Saving You, Saving Me (19 page)

What I saw chilled my heart. Collins was looking down at his hands. He had removed his hand from my cheek and was gripping his knees and rocking.

“Collins?” I asked. “What’s wrong?”

“You’re not an angel?” he asked in a little lost boy’s voice. “You don’t want to make love to me because I scare you. You’re afraid of me. I’m dirty, too dirty for you.”

“No, Daggers,” I said, trying to address the poor lost boy in Collins. “I don’t think you’re dirty. You’re beautiful…so beautiful it hurts when I think how much I love you. I want you, I want you to make love to me someday, but I’m afraid. It’s something within me. It’s me, Daggers. Something about me that is holding back.  Not you.” I pulled his face to mine and kissed him gently on his lips.

He didn’t respond, but kept looking at my eyes, with that empty gaze. I kissed him, holding him in my arms, stroking his hair, hugging him tightly until slowly his expression changed back to Collins. He turned his head towards me and calmly said, “Let’s go home.”

H
e gently grabbed my hand and held onto it until we arrived at his mansion.

It was when we were climbing out of the car and headed up the stairs to the living room, that I turned to him and said, “How could I forget to ask, but where’s Tate, your brother? Wasn’t he supposed to come home with you?”

At the mention of his brother’s name, Collins’ face filled with anger. “Let’s not mention him ever again,” he said quietly.

I saw him hunch his back and all of a sudden, I realized how tired he was.  I walked over to him, took off his coat, and began massaging his back. “I don’t know what happened, but I’m sorry to hear it did not work out.”

He walked away from me, went to the kitchen and took out two wine glasses. He walked down to the cellars and came back up the stairs, holding a chilled bottle of wine. He popped the cork and poured one glass. He was about to pour another glass for me, but said, “I was going to give you some wine, but you’re not even of age to have it.” He said it bitterly and I cringed inside. Was he angry at me?

“I’ll have some,” I said.

“I can’t offer you any, Sam,” he said. “You’re not of drinking age.”

“When did you care about that?” I asked, feeling like I’d done something wrong.

“Since when I found you in the arms of a younger man. How old is Mr. Psych?  19 or 20?  Someone much closer to your age than me?”

“Collins, that’s not it at all. You’re not much older than me.”

“But we’re worlds apart in experiences, aren’t we?” Collins said, taking a sip from the glass.

“Why are we having this conversation?” I asked.

Collins closed his eyes and looked pained. He bunched his fists and pounded on the counter. “Because Sam,” he said in an anguished voice. “I want to keep you, but I can’t. You’re the woman of my dreams, but I can’t hold onto you. I’m dark, I have needs that are dark, and I’ve tried to keep it from surfacing.”

I watched in horror as Collins went on, “Susan knows how dark Daggers is. Susan knows that Daggers is holding on by the thin threads of his life to some kind of dignity, some kind of peace, if only he can stop his addiction.”

“Daggers,” I said approaching Collins/Daggers. “I’m here. I’m Susan. You don’t need your addictions, you don’t need to be abused in your relationships with women.  You can have a healthy one with the girl you love who loves you just as much.”

Collins/Daggers fixed me a gaze with his ice blue eyes that was so piercing, I couldn’t move. “You know what happened in Chicago?  I got there, and it was a seedy part of town where the jail was kept, but I had to go. Tate, my 14-year-old half-brother was being let out of jail for good behavior. He’s only 14, and he has a rap sheet that could set him for life. I tried to get him out because he’s the only family I think I have. I spent hundreds of thousands on lawyers to get him out. I used my influences to try to get him released on probation. We would have gotten him released today except for some legalities that came up. I would have my lawyers fight it, but then I thought of you.”

“Me?”

“I thought how can I bring home a kid who was as troubled as I was when I was a kid, another Daggers to you. How can I do that to you? I’m already a handful for you, Sam.” He ran his hand through his hair. “At his age, Sam, I was already sexually promiscuous. He’s a hormonally-charged young virile man who spent months in jail, and you’re God’s gift to man – you’re like Venus, to a sex-starved man.  I began worrying about your safety with him around.”

“He’s only 14,” I said.

“Doesn’t matter,” Collins said. “His body doesn’t know that when he reacts to seeing you.”

“Collins…” I said, making a face. “You overestimate my appeal.”

“No, I don’t,” he said. “You don’t even realize how men react around you, Sam. Michael’s a pastor, and he’s practically throwing himself at you. Mr. Psych can’t keep his hands off you…” 

“So you’re going to let him stay in jail?” I asked.

“Until I can figure out how to get him help, without putting you at risk.”

“The longer he’s in jail, the worst his influences. He’s going to learn worst criminal behavior…”

“I know, and at the same time, I think he should stay there.  Luckily most of what he’s done is due to the need to eat and survive – theft and other crimes. Not that I’m excusing it, but at least he hasn’t physically harmed anyone.”

“So you were hoping to enroll him at Cliffside Academy?” I asked looking bewildered.

“Seems like a nice school with teachers who are good with keeping students in line,” Collins said smiling. “Alright, Cliffside Academy would be the ideal school to enroll him, and Principal Lowry seems to like me,” Collins said. “I would see no problem getting Tate enrolled in school, and with a pretty tutor to help him get up to speed…”

“Me,” I said. “The bait to get him to stay in school and to get him studying…”

“Hire the straight-A pretty girl who needed a scholarship to college to tutor and attract the ex-con brother of mine. Call it an internship or whatever, but then Tate would have an instant friend and maybe a girlfriend.”

“That’s why you asked if I had friends or a boyfriend that day,” I said. I closed my eyes and tears of anger spilled from the corners. “You were going to use me, prostitute me to your brother.” I wanted to scream, to beat his chest with my fists. I wanted to go to the corner of the room and sob until I couldn’t cry any longer. How could Collins be so cruel? How could he think people can be bought like that? But then that’s what he’d known all his life. He had warned me that’s all he’d known.

Collins was standing there, his back pressed against the table, staring at me with his pale icy blue eyes. They were glistening with unshed tears. “You’re looking at me like I’m a two-headed monster,” he said. “I probably deserve that, but you have to know something about me. I had planned all this out, but when you bumped into me and fell into my arms looking so cute, sweet, and flustered; I fell in love with you then. All thoughts of any boy or man touching you, sent rage throughout my body. I couldn’t bear thinking of it. I didn’t even think about whether or not you fit into the typical type of lovers I had. I didn’t care about that for the first time in my life.”

“Until now?” I asked, my voice husky and sad.

Collins looked down, ashamed. “Every time we touch, every time we kiss; it becomes torture for me. I want to go all the way with you, but I can’t because I’m afraid to scare you. I’m afraid you’ll react like you did before, break down. I don’t know if it’s truly because of a subconscious fear you may have of having sex with a freak or if it’s something that happened to you.”  He walked over to me and pulled me into his arms then. “I want to be there for you, I really do, but baby, I can’t handle being this close to you and not being able to touch you like I want to…You know I have a fragile ego, and I’m still fighting for control over my desires…”

“Oh Collins,” I cried. “I’ll still be here for you.”

“No, that’s not enough Sam. With your issues and my issues; this may not work out. It’s too much. I’m so so sorry, Sam.”

My heart sank, and I couldn’t get up. Collins couldn’t even look at me as he left the room. I must have been crying all night when Mrs. Anderson came and got me from the ground. She fed me breakfast and helped me get dressed, and then she called for Vincent to drive me back to my parents’ house. My suitcases had already been packed and loaded. I was no longer part of his life.

Moments That Change Your Life – This was the First

I
was 13-years-old when my father caught me and Billy in the music room, with Billy’s 14-year-old inexperienced hands all over my half-dressed body.  Worse, his pants were down, and his thing was out. He was rubbing it against my panties and pushing his hips up and down against mine. It felt strange and uncomfortable, and I did not want to be there, but if I didn’t, he would go on with his endless teasing and bullying. Months of harassing me and threatening me with harm if I told anyone about what he had planned, until I gave in and was going to let him have his way with me. He had me pinned down on the table while he tried to undress me. He had torn off my t-shirt and had pushed up my training bra so that my breasts were bared while his hands groped at them roughly.

“I don’t want this,” I cried. “Stop it now, Billy!”     

“You can’t tease me like that and expect me not to finish what I came for,” he sneered and then slapped me hard across the face. I struggled to get out from under him, but he slapped me again, saying, “Just because your daddy is a pastor doesn’t mean you don’t like this too. You’re a whore like any girl. You’re no better than anyone else, bitch.” He took his hands and shoved my panties down my legs, and was hovering above me when a familiar voice yelled at him, and yanked him off me. Father stood there panting as he looked from Billy to me and to Billy again. Father’s normally ruddy face turned a shade redder, clearly showing how angry he was. He didn’t say anything, but yanked Billy by the collar, pushed him, and told him to stay away from me and to never touch me again. If he caught him near me again or on the property, he’d call the cops on him.  He wasn’t going to tolerate any boy molesting his daughter right on his church property.

Billy was scared of course, being only 14, so he ran and I never saw him or his family at church again.

Dad then grabbed me by the collar, tried to push down my t-shirt, took me to the family restroom, took some soap and proceeded to wash my mouth out with it.

That wasn’t the worst part. What was worse was the way Dad looked at me – disgusted and with shame. His perfect pretty little princess was a slut, a whore, at 13, having sex with a trashy boy like Billy at her father’s own church.  How would he be able to live down the shame?

I had never seen him so angry. Mother had to intervene, pull him away before he did anything drastic. I was trembling like a leaf, feeling my whole body shake until I was exhausted. I didn’t want to think about what Billy did. I didn’t want to think about how he made me feel. I just wanted to be held, to have my parents assure me I was alright, that I was safe, and that whatever Billy did would never ever happen to me again.

That didn’t happen. Dad never looked me in the eye from then on, and instead of seeing Billy as the monster, I began thinking the monster was I.

*****

Today

I
remember Daggers’ words to me the day he left: “Chances are everything. Seize them when you can, because those are the moments that make life worth living.”

Life is measured in moments. Moments are measured by chance, and chances are everything. Had I not been at Dr. Green’s office the day after I turned eighteen, this story would have been very different.  Dangerously different. I thought I was the one who was doing all the saving, but in reality, the opposite was true.

Daggers/Collins came by to visit me at my parents’ house a month after he broke up with me and took me to the beach so we could talk. He was dress in faded jeans and a plaid shirt, while I wore a pink ruffled summer dress. It was awkward, and we both looked like hell, having lost weight.  Dressed like that, he looked very young, close to 19 or 20. “I’ve missed you,” he said reaching for my hand.

“I’ve missed you, too,” I said, gulping down the tears that threatened to spill down my face.

“Sammy baby,” he said reaching for my hand as we walked along the beach, “I wanted to tell you that I’ll have to go to Europe for a while for business. I’m setting up a subsidiary there, a business office, so I’ll be gone for a good month or two.”

I felt numb. Why was he telling me this? Was he trying to torture me?

 He leaned in to give me a quick kiss on my cheek and said, “I want you to have this. It’s the key to my heart.” He pressed it into my hands. “You have my heart already, you might as well have everything else.”

That’s when I had a waterworks of tears spill all over my face. He kissed away my tears and pulled me in close to his chest and held me tight.  “We’ve come a long ways, baby. You and I. But we still have some distance to cover, hurdles to jump, if you want to.” He laughed his soft gentle Daggers laugh that always sent flutters to my stomach. “I’m a many-layered SOB, a real messed up nut job, who others have given up on, yet you…you continue to peel away the layers.” He played with my hair and kissed my forehead. I sighed. My multi-layered Daggers. Each layer more intriguing than the last, each one bringing me closer to the edge of no return.

“I want to peel away those layers,” I protested. “I want to know who you are, deep down, if you’ll let me.”

Daggers closed his eyes for a moment and inhaled sharply. “I know, Sam, and I’ve been fighting it. If you knew what’s really hidden behind all those layers, you’d stay away from me as far away from me as possible.” He opened his eyes to look at me earnestly. “You deserve to know, though. And I’m giving you that chance. With the key…the key to my safe deposit box. But once you know, there’s no going back.”