Saving You, Saving Me (18 page)

“Oh baby,” Mom said. “You weren’t supposed to hear that. I’ve tried to shield you from your father’s wrath. He didn’t want to marry me, but did it because I was pregnant with his child, or so he thought. He never wanted it, and had already started dating another girl before he found out I was pregnant.”

So it was worse than I thought.

A look of surprise came over Mom’s face. “Sam I just remembered. Be sure to use birth control when you’re with Collins. You can get caught up in the moment and forget.”

I tensed before telling her, “Mom, Collins and I haven’t done it yet,” I blushed pink.

“You haven’t?” she asked shocked. “But Collins must be so experienced.”

“No, we haven’t done it,” I said, embarrassed to have this conversation with my mother, who apparently did not follow the advice she just gave me and was pregnant with me before she married Dad. 

“But you’ve been living together all this time…”

“Mom, don’t you have some faith in me for not being so stupid as to get knocked up like you?” As soon as the words came out of my mouth, I felt awful, so awful I couldn’t face Mom.

Mom looked like I had slapped her. She took a sip of water before facing me, though, and said, “As you would like to believe, I did not sleep around when I became pregnant with you. I was a virgin, and the first boy who came along who showed me any attention, we had sex. And because I was so naïve about it, and so overprotected by my parents about sex, I didn’t use any protection. I was 21 years old, and I didn’t even know how to use a condom to save my life. As naïve as I was, I thought I would know all that when I got married and my husband would show me, but guys expect the girl to know what to do, too. As much as I’d like to believe the guy would take care of the situation, it’s our bodies, and we have to be the one prepared. I wasn’t so I became pregnant, and I had started dating a boy from church about the same time who was slow to get me to bed. We did and I told him I was pregnant, and he believed it was his, and so we married.”

I was numb.

“It didn’t mean I didn’t love you less just because you weren’t Samuel’s daughter. In fact it made me love you more because you were mine. My little baby girl,” she said tears glistening in her eyes.

I didn’t know what to say. For the first time in all my life, I didn’t know what to say to my mother. I sat there while Mom took another sip of her water.

Finally, I said, “I love you, too,” realizing how true that was. No matter where I came from, this crazy drunk messed up woman in pearls, neatly styled hair and Pastor’s wife chic was my mother. I was programmed genetically and naturally to love her. Just like Daggers was programmed to love his abusive mother, no matter what.

*****

After lunch, I drove Mom back to church where she picked up Nydia from Music class. “What are you going to do about Dad wanting a divorce?”

Mom’s face nearly crumbled, and I held her in my arms. Jeez, my mother had just told me I was a bastard, and that I was never Samuel Sullivan’s daughter, and here I was comforting her instead of the other way around.  I held her in my arms, but at the same time, I hoped to God, I was not like her, that I would not turn into her. At that moment, Dad’s words to Mom that night they had the argument came back to me. “She’s a whore just like you.” 

           
I
had to talk to someone about all the crap I was going through. It felt like I would explode with all the emotions I was feeling…anger, hurt, betrayal, sadness, guilt…  I didn’t want to be the strong one. I didn’t want to be the one who had to tell everyone things were going to be fine. I didn’t want to be the one who had to keep picking up the pieces for everyone. I could only be so strong…

            I called Collins’ number, but got his voicemail. He was probably in a meeting and couldn’t pick up. I waited and waited. I called him again, and got his voicemail. “Hey, I miss you. How is everything? Collins, I’m feeling vulnerable right now. I wish you could be here to hold me…” I took a deep breath and tried to remain calm. “I’m just…I miss you.” I hung up and drove to Sawyer House, where maybe I could focus on other people’s problems so much that I could forget my own. It was what helped me through that awful time when Collins and I were apart. This was what I needed.

            Finally I drove to Sawyer House and punched the number to walk in.  I hadn’t been there for a few weeks, mainly because of my breakdown. Gail had thought I needed some time off to rest and get over stress and exhaustion. I didn’t argue with her, knowing the reason for the breakdown was because of Daggers.

            “Oh hi,” I said as I walked into the break room to grab a bottle of water. Derek was there finishing his drink. When he saw me, his eyes lit up, and he came over.

            “Sam,” his eyes perused my face. “I didn’t think I’d see you back here.”

            “I still want to get a scholarship to Stanford, Derek…”

            “But wouldn’t Collins take care of that?” Derek asked, a hint of bitterness in his voice. “He could buy his way…”

            I turned to Derek, “What are you saying, Derek? You don’t even know him. He wouldn’t want to buy…”

            “He was the one who donated that large donation to Sawyer House, Sam. He got you that scholarship. Now he wants to keep you in his bed by buying you,” Derek said.

            “That is not true,” I said. “It had nothing to do with how I feel about Collins.”

            “Then why are you with him?” Derek asked.

            “Because he needs me, and I need him,” I said simply.

            Derek walked up to me and looked me in the eyes. “Tell me, is he the real reason why you had that breakdown?”

            “It’s not his fault,” I said.

            “I’m worried about you, Sam. And I’m mad as hell at him for whatever he did to make you break down like that.”

            “There’s nothing wrong, Derek,” I said weakly.

            “Then why did your body shut down like that?” he said. “What is his hold on you, Sam?”

            “Nothing. It’s nothing he’s done, Derek.”

            “Subconsciously you’re holding back with him, Sam. There’s something about him that you haven’t accepted or have a hard time accepting.”

            “Why do you say that?”

            “Because the whole time you were here trying to get him out of your head, you acted so guarded, like you had some deep dark secret. Turns out Collins was your deep dark secret.”

            My heart raced as I thought, could Derek know about Collins being Daggers? “Derek, I’m fine,” I said.

            “Tell me then,” Derek moved in close, and his hands were on mine. “Why you haven’t completely committed to him?”

            “What do you mean?” I was fully aware of his hands on mine and how close he was standing, so close that if I moved, my face would be on his chest.

            “Meaning, this,” He kissed me then, a tender kiss that grew passionate as he pulled me closer. Because of my vulnerable state of mind, because God knows what, I opened my mouth, and his tongue darted in to taste mine. Derek groaned with satisfaction, before I pulled back and stepped away. “You responded to me, Sam,” Derek grinned. “There’s chemistry there. If you’re so taken in by Collins McGregor, you wouldn’t have responded, you wouldn’t have all these issues – doubts, breakdowns…”

            “How dare you!” I said rushing over to him, and slapping him across the face.

            He grabbed my hands and pulled them down. “I’m sorry, Sam, I wanted to prove…” He pulled me into his chest and held me, while I began crying. I was happy. I was deliriously happy with Collins, so why was I crying?  Why did I feel like I had to hold back?

            “Do you have sex with him?” Derek asked.

            “That’s none of your business,” I said fiercely.

            “I’ve seen pictures of Derek with a girl always by his side. The guy’s a player, and the girls he’s with are no innocents like you are.”

            “He respects me,” I said.

            “He’s not sleeping with you,” Derek said. “Trust me, if a guy has a girl like you at his house every day… if I had you, Sam, I’d be making love to you every day, every hour.” His eyes blazed with such hunger, my body began to get warmer. He reached up a finger and traced my face. “Sam, any guy would be crazy not to want all of you.”

            “Derek, he’s got issues and I have issues…”

            “Which I want to figure out,” Derek said softly against my cheeks. “You know I care for you a lot, and when you broke down like that, I was so damn worried. I didn’t know if you were going to come out of it. All I knew was that someone had hurt you once so badly to make you react so traumatized.” Derek traced my cheeks with his fingers. “When I saw him walk in and the look on your face as soon as you saw him, I knew he had to be the reason. And all I wanted was to punch him out for making you react like that.”

            “Do you want to punch me out now?” a voice came from the doorway of the break room. Collins stood there, his face seething with steel fury hidden underneath. “Get your hands off my girlfriend or I will walk over there and make sure you never walk again.”

            Derek jumped away from me, and I closed my eyes. “Collins…” He was looking at me with hurt, anger, and love in his icy blue eyes. “Derek was just worried about me, that’s all.”

            “And he couldn’t keep his hands off you too?” Collins asked, crossing his arms. “I got your message and was so worried that I dropped everything to get back to you. The crew for my private jet was not prepared to take off last minute like that, but we made the best of it, getting here earlier than we expected. I traced your phone to here, just to find you in the arms of another man.” He gestured at Derek in disgust.

I ran over to Collins then. I grabbed hold of him and tried to put my arms around him. “Collins, I’m sorry…”

            He pointed a finger at Derek. “I heard what you said to my girlfriend about me, and I want to be clear about this. She’s my girlfriend, and if she has any issues with me, she should be addressing it with me rather than you.”

            His face still masked in fury, Collins placed his arms around me and pulled me into him to kiss me hard, lifting me to slide my entire body against his so that my legs had to wrap around his waist, straddling his hips. He pushed me unto the wall and began taking off his jacket. “Mr. Psych there thinks I don’t desire you enough to make love to you 24 hours every day, we’ll see about that.”

            With my legs wrapped around Collins’ waist, and my face buried in his hair, I glanced over at Derek, who was fixated in his place, watching us, as Collins began unbuttoning my shirt until all I was wearing on top was my black lace bra.  Derek’s eyes caught mine, and he had a look of anger mixed with desire. He shook his head, bunched his hands into fists and walked out, not looking at either of us.

            I raised my hands and was about to slap Collins when he caught my wrist midair. I was so mad that I tried wrenching it free. “That was cruel, Collins,” I said. “You didn’t have to do this in front of Derek. He just wanted to help me.”

            “He wanted to get into your pants anyway he knew how,” Collins said.

            Anger flashed in my eyes as I looked at Collins. “He’s a friend, and he’s right about some things. I know how he feels about me, and this?  This is cruel, mean, and…” I raised my hand again.

His eyes grew darker and his lips curled into a sensual wicked grin. “So you want to play?” he said. “It’s about time.”

            He lifted me and flipped me over his shoulders, walked to the break room table, grabbed my purse, and carried me out of Sawyer House out to the parking lot where his black Escalade SUV was parked in front of the building.  Vincent was sitting in front when Collins opened the back seat door and sat me down, buckling my seat belt in place while he clamored over to his side.

            He nodded at Vincent to begin driving when he was buckled in.  Then he pressed a button and a tinted glass pane came out of the front seats to enclose the area between Vincent and us, giving us privacy. Collins raised his eyebrows, unbuckled his seat and slid to me, taking my face in his hands and kissing me hungrily. “Ah, all I thought about today was you,” he said. “I wanted you to come with me to Chicago so badly, I should have insisted. Instead I get your weird phone message and it scared me so much I had to rush back.” He took a deep breath and said. “You know you nearly gave me a heart attack?”

            He lifted me so I was sitting in his lap with my arms around his neck. I nuzzled my face into his. “I’m glad you’re back,” I smiled up at him.

            “Me too,” he kissed the top of my nose. “Baby, why did you call me like that? What’s going on?”

             I dropped my head on his shoulders and sighed. “Collins, I’m not who I thought I was. I mean, I’ve been trying to be this perfect girl, this perfect daughter. A good girl, the girl who was generous and kind and worked so hard to put everyone’s interests ahead of her own, that I didn’t see what it was doing to me.”

            “But Baby,” Collins said, entwining my fingers through his. “You are perfect for me, you’re my angel, the Susan to my Daggers. You help me deal with my demons in a way no one else can.”

            “But I’m not perfect, Collins,” I said. “I’m perfectly flawed. That’s what has me so upset. I’m not this perfect girl you thought I was. I have demons myself that I don’t even know about. I’ve literally just found out a few hours ago that Dad was not my real father. That I was born from an inconsequential sex act between my mom and some boy, the first boy who paid her any attention.”

Collins stared at me for a moment, surprise registering in his beautiful face. He didn’t respond so I continued on.

“On top of that…I don’t know why I broke down like that at Sawyer House.  I don’t know why every time we get to the point of wanting to have sex, I freeze, I break down.  It isn’t as though I don’t want to because I do, very much with you, Collins.” I took his hand and kissed his palm and rested his hand to my cheeks where I held it lovingly. Then I raised my eyes to meet his icy blue ones.