Saving You, Saving Me (16 page)

“Something must be so deep within her that she doesn’t even know what’s going on with her,” Megan suggested. “I’ve never seen anyone shake like that out of some kind of fear.”

            “I don’t know what it is, but I want to help her,” Derek said. “If she’ll let me.”

            I felt Derek carrying me in his strong arms through the hallway.

            “Where are you taking her?” Megan asked.

            “If you’ll watch the phones tonight,” Derek said calmly. “I’m taking her back to her home. I have the address from her paperwork.”

            “Alright,” Megan said. “Go, this has shaken me up some.”

            “She’ll be okay,” Derek said again, grabbing my coat and my bag from my desk and making his way to the door. He got to the door, and had opened it before he stepped back and said, “Holy…”

            “Sam?” Collins’ voice asked with worry. “Why are you carrying Sam like that?”

            “Who are you?” Derek demanded.

            “I’m Sam’s friend,” Collins said. His worry replaced with calmness. “I’m taking her out to dinner,” he added with a hint of possessiveness.

            “She’s in no state to go out to dinner with you,” Derek said, some steel to his voice. “If you’re a friend of hers, you’d understand.”

            “Then I’ll take her home,” said Collins. I felt his hands on my waist, as he tried to take me into his arms from Derek’s.

            Derek stepped back. “If you’re that guy she’s been seeing and has been trying to forget about this whole month, then I’m not letting you near her. I think she collapsed out of exhaustion and stress, worrying about you.”

            “That’s why I’m here,” Collins said, his voice betraying how he felt for me.

            Some force in me surged up to make me cry out for him, wanting him near me. “Collins,” I whispered. “Oh God, Collins…”

            “Sam,” Derek said, his eyes shining. “You’re up. I was worried for a moment, but…”

            “Can you put me down?” I asked.

            “Oh yeah, sorry, I forgot I was holding you,” Derek said, nearly dropping me.

            I stumbled to my feet, as Collins placed his hand on my waist, steadying me as I looked up into his beautiful face. This beautiful man with the blazing adoring icy blue eyes and full lips was the poor baby boy whose mother verbally and physically abused at birth. My Mr. Collins McGregor was Daggers. My sexy Caller who craved verbal abuse was the man I couldn’t get enough of.

“Sammy,” he said, “I have to talk to you.” His face was in such anguish, it made me want to cry. There was so much between us that was unspoken as we stared into each other’s eyes.

I looked over at Derek, whose face had turned to stone, as he watched Collins take my hand and lovingly caress it. “Derek,” I said. “Thank you for helping me. I have to go, but I’ll see you soon.”

Derek looked down to the ground, before he turned his brown eyes to me hiding some bitterness and anger. “Yeah, I’ll see you later.” He glanced over at Collins with anger in his eyes, turned and walked away.

W
e left my car in the parking lot, while I slid into the backseat with Collins. Instead of his Aston Martin, we were being driven by his driver in his black Cadillac Escalade.

I cocked my eyebrows at him and tilted my head. “What happened to the Aston?” I asked.

“At home,” he said. “The state I was in before I headed here to see you, I’d have crashed the Aston.” He took a deep breath and said, “I wanted to tell you, but I was so scared if you knew about me, about my need for an abusive sick relationship; I would scare you off.”

“So you became Daggers?” I asked.

“I
am
Daggers,” Collins said. “That was my nickname for when I was a street punk, growing up on the fringe of gangs and drug dealers in Santa Ana. I was a walking hating disaster, always picking fights, always trying to get myself beaten senseless or killed.”

I traced the outline of his face with my fingers, feeling him, touching him, not quite ready to believe the voice I had listened to was this beautiful creature before me. My Daggers was my Collins. My poor Collins…when I thought how he grew up and what he had become today, I did not think I could ever love him more than I did now.

 “Sam,” Collins said, “like you, I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around you being Susan from Sawyer House. I mean, in the back of my mind I knew you were Susan, but being Daggers and talking to Susan as Daggers was the only way I could tell you about my past and my sick need. I wanted to see how you would react to Dagger’s dark secret. I never thought you would figure out who Daggers was nor want to get close to him because of his cravings, but you seemed so accepting of Daggers.”

“Why wouldn’t I be?”

“Because of the way you reacted when I showed you the sixth condition for my agreement.”

“I still have a problem with it, Collins because I can’t do it. Other people may have no problem with it, but I can’t. Of all the things in the world, that sixth condition baffled me, made me worried about you, made me worry about what you expected of me.  I could not agree to it, Collins.”

Collins pulled out the paper and read me the number six condition: 

6.
     
Must be willing to be videotaped during sex.

“I will remove it from the conditions, Sam, if you want me to, but if you want to keep it, I’m fine with it. As much as I thought I had to have it in our relationship, it no longer matters.”

I must had tears in my eyes, because Collins leaned in to kiss my eyelids, kissing away a tear, before kissing my lips softly. “But isn’t that one of your absolute conditions? The deal breaker?”

He was looking at me with such adoration. “I’ll be willing to try, for you. Don’t you understand? When it comes to you, there are no deal breakers.”

I looked at him, my beautiful tortured walking hating disaster, as he called himself.  He was my Daggers and my Collins rolled up in one yin/yan self-loathing/egotistical hot yet deeply disturbed package. I realized how much I cared for him, when I said, “Keep condition six.”

            Collins kissed my temple and asked me, “Are you sure?”

            I picked up his hand and held it to my cheeks. “Collins, when will you realize whatever happens will happen in a relationship sans paperwork.” I kissed the palm of his hand, and he closed his eyes. I took his hand and began kissing his fingertips. “Something happened today when I realized you were Daggers, and Daggers was you.”

            Collins pulled me into his lap and held me. “What?”

            “I had a breakdown, Collins, my mind and body couldn’t process it, it was as though I couldn’t handle my intense overwhelming feeling of love and desire for you, Collins. I was falling for Daggers, but I also loved you. I fell in love with both of you, I guess - past, present, and future.

            Collins’ face was shrouded in mystery. He pulled me in close so my head was resting against his chest. “Is that what happened when I arrived at Sawyer House? You had a breakdown?”

He looked so worried, “I don’t want to be the cause of your breakdown, Sam. I don’t want you having
any
breakdowns.” He looked at me seriously then. “Sam, you are the kindest, sweetest, and most loving woman I’ve met, and I know you would put everyone else’s wants and desires over your own to your detriment. There is something that is worrying you so much, deeply buried in you about us, that caused that breakdown, isn’t there? Is it your about your mother or father? I remember how you were constantly worried about what your father thought of you.”

As Susan, I did tell Daggers about the pressures of growing up under my father’s shadow. While looking at Collins, I had to remember he was also Daggers, who knew many things about me. Just like I knew more about Daggers than Collins.

The look on his face made my heart drop. He had doubt written all over his face. I threw my arms around him and began kissing him, wanting to erase that look of dread. My lips were on his, and when our tongues touched, all the tension and doubts we had, faded away as we were all lips, hands all over each other.

The car came to a stop and we pulled away from each other as Vincent came around back to open Collins’ door.

We had been driving for a while, and it didn’t occur to me where we were going until Collins said, “I promised I’d take you out to dinner tonight, so here we are.”

He extended his elbow, and I looped my arm through. “Where are we?” I asked.

“The Sky Room,” Collins said.

“But I’m not dressed for it,” I said, looking down at my jeans and blouse and jacket.

“Don’t worry, Vincent’s brought along a dress and shoes for you to change into,” Collins said, kissing my hand.

We took the elevator to the top of a building, and when we stepped out, we were in a restaurant with a view of the Long Beach harbor and city views. “It’s breathtaking,” I said.

“Not as breathtaking as you.” Collins nipped my ear, and I flushed.

A handsome young man in a suit walked by then and smiled at me, his eyes lingering on my tight skinny jeans before meeting my eyes.

Collins placed his arm around my shoulder, pulling me closer to him. The young man noticed Collins, then, frowned and walked past us to the other side of the restaurant. Collins muttered, “Even in just jeans, you’re the prettiest girl in this room. Maybe we can get away with wearing jeans.”

“I hope so,” I said.

A pretty tall and thin girl with copper hair and blue eyes, dressed in a black A-line dress came over to us with a menu. Her blue eyes devoured Collins as she took him in from head to toe. “Mr. McGregor, it is a pleasure having you dine here tonight.” She smiled hungrily at Collins, while Collins took my hand in his and pressed his lips to my knuckles.

“I’m here for a special occasion,” he looked adoringly at me, “Katrina made reservations for us.”

The hostess glanced briefly at me, frowning at my outfit, before returning her gaze to Collins. “Well of course, Mr. McGregor.” She led us past the tables and into a private room with a gorgeous view of the ocean and city night lights. She seated us and handed us menus before leaving.

Collins squeezed my hand. “Well, we bypassed having to change you into a dress, altogether.”

I looked amazed at Collins. “How did you manage to bypass the dress code?”

Collins chuckled. “I own the building.”

“Oh,” I said. “Of course.”

Collins reached over to hold my hand. “I’ve made some pretty good calculated risks in real estate, among other things, and have done well because of it.” His icy blue eyes blazed at me. “Materially I’m considered rich, but it means nothing if I’m unhappy.”

 I leaned over to kiss him softly on his lips. “You deserve to be happy, Daggers.”

At the name “Daggers”, Collins’ eyes grew dark and a look of desire flash across them. “You make me happy, Sam.” He kissed me gently on the corners of my lips before kissing me fully, using his tongue to pry open my mouth to taste my tongue. The touch was electrifying, and my entire body filled with desire. I leaned in, and he grabbed the back of my head to kiss me harder on my lips, my jaws and neck.

“We’re in a restaurant,” I managed to say.

“In a private room with a lock on the door,” Collins now Daggers hissed, getting up to turn the lock.

“You knew that?”

“I’m always prepared, honey,” Daggers smiled wickedly.

“Oh you are, are you?” I teased. “That’s pretty bad, you naughty boy.” I leaned in to nibble his ears.

He groaned before grabbing me, and lifting me onto his lap while he pulled my head back and kissed me passionately.

I kissed back matching him in passion as his tongue tangled with mine in a delicious sensual dance. His hands had slipped under my blouse and were making their way to the back to unclasp my bra.

All of a sudden, my entire body tensed.

Collins stopped and jumped up from his seat, running his hand through his sexy ruffled dirty blonde hair, fear and trepidation replacing his look of desire. “What’s happening?” he asked. “What is it, Sam? Is it something I’ve done?”

I closed my eyes and started taking large gulps of air and breathing through my mouth. After a minute my body relaxed.

He took a big breath and let it out slowly. “Sam,” he bent down, hands on his knees, trying to catch his breath. “You’ve no idea how worried I was, seeing you like that.” He looked earnestly into my eyes. “Promise me you get some help with it. You were paralyzed with fear, and it scares me to think I may be causing it or something I’m doing may be causing it.”  He sat back down to take my hands in his, kneading them, massaging my palms and fingers. “You have no idea how much I’ve missed you. From day one, I couldn’t stop thinking about you. From day one, you’ve driven me crazy, and as a man who gets what I want all the time, you’re something I want so badly, but couldn’t have.” He closed his eyes and looked tortured.

“Collins?” I asked. “What is it?”

“I’m going to take away the sixth condition. I don’t want it. I want to get as far away from it as I can…not only was it bad for me, but I think, baby, it’s part of the reason you’re so frightened.”

My face froze. I had pushed his sixth condition to the back of my mind, trying to ignore it.

“When I first presented it to you, you looked at me like I was a two-headed monster,” Collins said. “It’s not something I’m proud of, either. It’s what I needed in a relationship with a woman because that’s how my messed up mind thinks.” He took a deep breath. “When you said you needed time to think about it, I knew you were going to have a problem with it. But at the time, that’s all I knew about how a relationship between a man and a woman could be, Sam. I tried to leave you alone. I tried all kinds of distractions, and worked extra hard. I even went on a business trip to Seattle and Vancouver. But I couldn’t stop thinking about you. And you wouldn’t return my calls. You texted me a few times, but I needed to hear your voice…”