Secrets (28 page)

Desperately, he used his last bit of strength to try tossing me to the floor, but there was no way I was going to miss this opportunity to make him feel the same pain that he’d inflicted
on her.  I clasped my blood-coated hands firmly around his throat and squeezed until I nearly lost feeling in my fingers.  The smell of fear was heavy in the air and I couldn’t get enough of it.  I was drunk with the need to make these his final breaths.  As his eyes dimmed I smiled as consciousness began to slip further away from his grasp.  

             
This was the first time that I’d actually seen red.  I’ve heard people say it before, but I didn’t fully understand what that meant until this moment.  My blood felt like ice flowing through my limbs as I brought him within inches of death.  As he stared up at me, I somehow managed to squeeze tighter as the blood vessels in his eyes burst and the last bit of air sputtered from his mouth.  It was such a rush knowing that in this instant I could end his life like he deserved.  I continued to stare at his lifeless body lying on the floor long after I’d let him go.  Watching him, I still felt like I hadn’t done enough compared to what he’d done to Sam.  My fists were clenched as another wave of rage rolled through me.  I couldn’t control it.  The feel of his slick, warm blood on my hands made me want to hurt him more; one hit was all it would take at this point and I could see to it that the only way he’d be leaving here would be in a body bag.   

He twitched twice and gave up the fight.  With that, I stood over his body as f
lashes of him on top of Sam flooded my mind and I yelled out in anguish and rage; I could almost hear her screaming out in pain.  He took from her something that was never meant to belong to him.  I stood there, fully prepared to stomp his head in, but then I thought of
her
, alone, vulnerable, and unprotected if anything happened to me. 

I tried to focus.  I couldn’t do anything that would keep me away from her,
not again, so I reached into his pocket and stole his wallet and cell phone and then messed up his apartment so it would look like a robbery gone wrong.  I quickly grabbed a towel from the sink and used it to open the door, leaving it open so that someone would find him before he eventually took his last breath; however, if they
didn’t
find him in time, that’d be fine too.  

I did a thorough scan of the parking lot bef
ore running to my car.  About halfway there, something wasn’t sitting right with me, though.  I couldn’t leave with there being a possibility that he could get back up and walk away from all this like nothing happened.  I needed to finish what I started.  And that’s exactly what I intended to do when I turned around and headed back inside....

C
hapte
r
15

Sam

When I awoke from my nap, AJ was gone.  Maisha waited for me to fully come to, and then sat across from me on the other bed.  After asking the same question they’d all been asking me nonstop – “How do you feel?” – she relayed a message.

“AJ
said that if you wake up before he gets back to tell you that he loves you.”

I cocked my head to the side.  “Did he say where he was headed?”

She shook her head.  “Nope.”

The statemen
t was simple enough, but still it seemed odd.  I eventually shrugged it off and relaxed against the headboard. 

“
Wanna watch something?”  Maisha asked, handing me the remote.

“Nah…actually…I think I’m
gonna call my mom.”

She
glanced over, her expression sympathetic.  “I think that’s a good idea.”

I smiled a little, not totally sure I agreed with her, but knowing that it was unavoidable.
  Maisha excused herself so that I could get it over with.  This was by far going to be the hardest conversation I’d ever had with anyone in my entire life.  And actually….it was only the first of
two
very difficult conversations to be had. 

“Hey, baby!  We were just talking about you.  I made some of that caramel cake that you love for dessert,” my mother forced out all in one breath.  When I didn’t respond at all, she thought the call had failed.
  “Hello?” 

Clearing my throat, I tried to get my
words together; however, this wasn’t the kind of phone call that you could prepare for ahead of time.  “I’m here,” I finally replied.  Without saying anything more than this, my mother detected that something was wrong. 

“Is everything okay?”  It was difficult for her to hide the panic that all of a sudden crept into her tone.

“Not really.” 
How am I supposed to say this?
  A warm tear raced down my face, dropping onto the comforter.  “Mom, I-“

“Samantha, baby, you’re scaring me.”  I could hear my father questioning her in the background, wondering what was going on.  She quieted him and asked again, “Is everything okay?”

I sniffed back more tears and let my eyes close.  “I need you guys to come out here.  Please.”

My father’s questions persisted in the background, only for my mother to continue ignoring him.  “What happened?”  She was trying as hard as she could to remain calm.

“I don’t really want to say over the phone, but…I need you guys to come here.  Okay?”  My voice was shaking and so were my hands as I held the phone.

“We’re leaving in ten minutes,”
she said hurriedly.  I could hear her shuffling around.

“
No, I don’t want you guys driving through the night.  It can wait until morning.  There’s not an emergency,” I breathed, still trying to hold it all in.

There was a long pause on both ends before my mother spoke again.  “At least tell me that you’re not in any danger.  Where
are you?”

“I’m not in danger,” I assured her.  “And I’m at a hotel.”

“A hotel?  Did something happen at the dorm, or –“

“Mom….just please get here,” I pleaded as calmly as I could.
  “We’ll talk then.”

“We’
ll be there.  I promise.  And I’m gonna keep calling, you hear me?  And when I do, you answer,” she demanded.  “I mean it.  You answer that phone so I know you’re okay.”

“I’m safe now, Mom. 
You don’t have to do that.  Just get here.”

She fell silent again and I knew that she was dwelling on that ‘now’ that I let slip out.

“We’ll be there by morning,” she reiterated, finally letting me end the call.

I sat there staring at my phone, wondering what I’d say to them when they showed up. 
Would I have to give them all of the gruesome details?

By the time Maisha came
back, I was settled in bed like before.  She turned off the lights and lowered the volume on the TV so I could rest.  It didn’t take me long to doze again, thanks to the medication the doctor prescribed.  When I awoke later in the middle of the night – make that early morning - I stared at AJ lying beside me.  He’d changed his clothes and came back sometime during the night while I slept. 

I felt
like I’d been in a fog for the past two days, and I was honestly afraid of what would be left of me when it all cleared away.  I imagined that all of the feelings and emotions I’d been trying to bottle up would eventually make me explode.  Feeling alone despite the fact that there were two other people in the room, I was unable to help myself from reaching out and touching AJ’s face.  There were so many things I needed to say to him – things that I didn’t even know how to put to words honestly.  When it was all over and done with, he’d either understand me or hate me.  Either way, I had to look out for myself at this point. 

Without waking
, he stirred a little and pulled my hand to his chest where he continued to hold it.  His breathing returned to its deep, slow rhythm as I lay there staring at him through the darkness, his heart beating against my palm.  For a fraction of a second, I questioned whether I’d be strong enough to do what I knew needed to be done, but then I sobered up.  I had to look out for
me.

I wanted to feel normal
again so badly, but it was as if my perspective of life and the world had shifted.   I couldn’t help but to wonder if I would ever feel whole. 
What would it take for me to get back to the old Sam?  Did she even exist anymore? 
I felt lost and very confused.  Nothing made sense or seemed like a plausible solution to fix the pieces of my soul that Antonio had broken.  No, I take that back; he didn’t break them, he
stole
them.

Life had been relentless this past year
and I’d been forced to reflect on the part I played in it all – the decisions I’d made that led me to my current predicament.  It just seemed like the chips were stacked against me and had been since the onset of this relationship.  In essence, being with AJ had set off a chain reaction in my life that caused one thing after another to unravel.  From day one, drama just seemed to follow us wherever we went, leaving me to believe that our being together would
always
come at a price – a price that I wasn’t sure I could afford to pay anymore.  It seemed like it always came down to me being the one needing to be pieced back together; literally and figuratively.  This incident, however, felt like the breaking point.  I knew without a doubt that I needed to make some changes – one of which would be drastic and those around me would probably never understand how I reached the conclusion I came to.

Five thirty rolled around and I finally dozed
back off with the sun just peeking over the horizon.  When I returned to consciousness, Maisha was in the shower and Terrell was back; he sat talking with AJ about something quietly at the table until they saw that I was up.

“Sleep ok?”  Terrell asked. 

I shrugged my shoulders and yawned.  “I guess you could say that,” I lied.  Truthfully, I was too troubled to find peace even while I slept.

After watching me for a few seconds
a look of concern crossed his face.  “You hungry?”

I shook my head ‘no’.

Terrell frowned.  “Sam, Maisha said you haven’t eaten anything since you’ve been here.  I’ll get you ice cream or whatever you want.  Just eat something,” he added.  I don’t think I’ve ever seen him look so worried before.  My mind was made up that I wasn’t in the mood for food, but I couldn’t bring myself to turn him down.

“Chocolate
,” I mumbled.  Terrell smiled, hopped to his feet, and then headed down to the restaurant on the first floor.  The door slammed and I turned back to face AJ who met my gaze with a weak smile.  He stood from the table and came to kiss my forehead before coming to sit beside me.  When he touched me, my will faltered ever so slightly, but I had to stick to my guns.  I made up my mind to talk to him as soon as we were alone again.  There was no sense in prolonging the inevitable.  

“
What time did you get back?”  I asked, searching for something to talk about to distract myself.

He thought for a moment.  “It must’ve been
around midnight, I guess.”

I nodded.  “Where’d you go?”

Casually, he shrugged.  “I had to grab a few of my things from the dorm and…you know…stuff like that.

I nodded
again and the silence around us was so heavy that it literally felt like it was alive – a third person in the room observing the awkwardness that had developed between AJ and I.

We both looked up when
Maisha stepped out of the bathroom and sat on the edge of her bed, pulling her shoes on. 

“Where’re y
ou going?”  I asked. 

“Terrell’
s supposed to take me to see my mother today.”  She smiled and turned to look at me after she tied her laces.  “I figured you and your folks could use some privacy, too.”  Her expression was sympathetic when she smiled, probably knowing what a difficult step that’d be.

“
You called your mom and dad?  When?”  AJ asked.

“Last night while you were gone.
  They should be here within the next hour or so.”  In my head, I calculated how much time AJ and I would have to talk before they arrived.

AJ fell silent and Maisha grabbed her purse to leave
when Terrell walked back in with a Styrofoam cup of ice cream that he handed over to me with a smile.

“Thanks,” I smirked
. 

“ We
probably won’t be back until late,” Maisha announced.

I nodded.  “K, have fun.”

She smiled a little and then the two of them left AJ and I alone in the room.  The stifling silence crept in again.  Even though I wasn’t hungry, I started in on the ice cream just to avoid talking.  From my peripheral, I could see AJ watching me.  When I turned to meet his gaze, he looked away.

“What’re you thinking?”  I asked.

He looked lost when he shrugged.  “Just wish I could make this all go away for you.  That’s all.”  Our eyes locked again.  If I stared too long, I’d change my mind and I couldn’t let that happen. 

Do it now, Sam. 
Do it now, or you’ll lose your nerve…

“I think we need to talk before my parents get in.”

It looked like I dropped a ton of bricks right on top of him.  His already weary expression dimmed even more. 
Did he know?  Could he feel it in the air like I could?

I set the cup aside and stared at my hands.  “I know we’re technically not together anymore, so this may seem like a strange thing to say, but…” 
I couldn’t do it.

He sat there still as ever, waiting for me to finish.  As if I hadn’t cried enough, more tears fell
.  When he reached for my hand, that only made matters worse.  As if he knew that his touch was making me weak, he squeezed my fingers gently.  I swiped tears away from my cheek with my shoulder. 

Look at him so he knows
you’re serious…

I met AJ’s gaze, tears and all, and let the words tumble from my mouth like an avalanche – that was the only way I’d ever get them out.  “I’m leaving and we can’t be together anymore.”

Stunned.  Silent.  Motionless.  He stared with a look fixed on his face that I couldn’t place.

I choked back a tear
and pulled my hand free from his.

“What do you mean you’re leaving?”  He asked the question so calmly that I didn’t know what to think.

“I’m leaving Charleston.”

He took a deep breath and blew it back out slowly.  “Are you going back home?  Or –“

I shook my head.  There was no way I could show my face in Fairfax again.  Once word spread about what happened with Antonio, there’d be too much talk and speculation for me to handle.  I needed to be somewhere that no one knew me, what I’d been through – a place where I could reinvent myself and start over.

“W-where?
  Where’re you gonna be?”  Now there was panic in his tone.

“I haven’t decided yet.  When my parents get here, I’ll talk to them about it and make my plans from there, but…even when I
do
decide…I don’t think –“

AJ closed his eyes and shook his head.  “Don’t do that to me,” he replied without me even finishing my statement.  “You can’t just disappear and not tell me where you’re going.”

But that was how it had to be.  If I didn’t, he’d be walking up and down the streets of whatever city I settled in, just like he’d done when I tried to distance myself here at school.  It’d be healthier for both of us if I just left and ceased communication.  He might not understand that now, but he would eventually.  One day, he’d be ready to move on and he’d get it then.  He’d see how my leaving was meant to set us
both
free.

You could’ve heard a pin drop.

“I have to do this.”