Secrets (25 page)

He was on his feet in seconds.  I looked him up and down.  “What’re you doing here?”

He slipped his hands inside the pockets of
his black hoodie.  “Sam…you can’t just ignore me; it’s been months.  Don’t you think we need to talk about what happened?”

“We
have
talked about it; I just don’t believe you,” I reasoned.  My lock clicked and I took a step inside, placing my hand on AJ’s chest when he attempted to follow me.  His eyes were pleading when I finally let myself look into them.

“Please….
I’ve been sitting out here for four hours waiting.  Just…just listen to what I have to say.  After this, if you still don’t wanna deal with me….I’ll stop trying,” he lied.  I could see it all over his face; no matter how this went, he was still going to keep at it.  That flutter in my heart returned and I let that desperate look on his face get to me.  When I dropped my hand from his chest, he came in.

“What do you
wanna say?”  I asked, folding my arms as I rested my back against the door.

He took a seat on the edge of my bed and stared at the floor.  “You can’t possibly think I slept with that girl.”

I took a deep breath and then released it.

“Now…I’ll be the first to say that this is
all my fault.  Trust me, I’ve gone over it all in my head.  I know the part I played in all this, but I swear I never touched her.  Regardless of how it
looked,
I’d never cheat on you, Sam.  I mean…come on.  You have to know that.  Tell me that a small piece of you doesn’t believe me.”

I shifted against the door
when he challenged me.  Of course it was hard to believe that he’d cheat
initially
, but after all the lies…

“Sam…
I love you and I’m miserable.”  When he stood and closed the distance between us I shuttered, tightening my arms over my chest.  We were now close enough that I had to tilt my chin upward to see his face.  The slow drag of air that left my lungs released some of the animosity that I’d built up over the months.  Being in his atmosphere – seeing him, smelling his cologne, being close enough to touch him – I felt vulnerable, but unfortunately I was no longer comfortable being vulnerable in his presence.

“I think you should leave,” I forced out, hearing the weakness in my tone.  He probably did too.

“At least give me a chance to make things right between us.  Even if you don’t trust me, we can get back to that.”  He took my hand in his and I couldn’t pull away.  What little space there was between our bodies disappeared even more as he came closer.

“Please.  Just agree to have dinner with me tomorrow.  That’s it.  We can talk, not talk, whatever.  Just say that you’ll come with me.”  His finger
s slipped along my jaw line, around to the back of my neck, and up into my hair just enough to send a chill down my spine.  A labored breath slipped from my lips as I stared up into his eyes.  My heart was pulling me in his direction, but my logical side still had a wall as thick as the Hoover Dam thrust up between us.

“AJ, I can’t
.  I-“

Amid my protest, he
pressed his lips to mine and I inhaled him like a nicotine addict taking a hit from the first cigarette they’d had in years.  Every single one of my senses blared to life and I couldn’t stop myself form kissing him back.  My arms unfolded and fell to my sides.  The loss of control was obvious to the point that AJ pressed his body flush up against mine because he knew I wouldn’t put up a fight, sandwiching me between him and the door.  My heart raced so fast that it scared me. It’d been so long and I never stopped wanting him simply because we weren’t speaking.  Still…I couldn’t let my physical weakness for this man cloud my judgment.

“
AJ…we have to stop,” I whispered against his lips, still unable to open my eyes.  “My mind’s made up.”

The raw magnetism between us made it difficult for him to back away, and just as difficult for me to let him go.  I didn’t even realize my hands had made their way beneath his hoodie
and shirt to his waist.  As hard as it was, I released him and folded my arms over my chest again.

AJ took a couple steps back and nodded to let me know that he understood.  I ran the back of my hand over my damp lips and left it there, secretly wishing I hadn’t stopped the flow of whatever would’ve gone down between us.

“I’ll go if that’s what you want.” 

All I could do was nod.  If I opened my mouth, I was sure to say the wrong thing
– like invite him to stay regardless of what he’d done.

“But before I do, you’re taking this back,” he demanded gently enough that I didn’t protest.  Taking my hand in his, AJ slipped the ring back on my finger that I’d given back to him when we broke up.  His eyes lingered on the sight of it on my hand as I fought against how right it felt having it back in place.  “Whether you come or not, I’ll be down at the fountain in the courtyard at seven
tomorrow, waiting for you.”

My heart fluttered again as I stepped off from the door and unlocked it, realizing that he’d have to leave if I was
gonna stick to my guns.  I opened it and AJ stepped back out into the hallway, staring me down. 

“I won’t be there,” I assured him.

He nodded, but had this look on his face that led me to believe that he still had hope despite what I said.

“Either way…I’ll wait,” were his parting
words, leaving me to watch him walk down the hallway until he disappeared down the stairwell. 

When I closed the door back, it felt like I’d dreamt him coming here, dreamt that he kissed me.  My heart still hadn’t slowed to its normal pace yet.  Thoughts s
wam through my head and I had to take a seat on my bed. 

Meet him?
  I couldn’t.  My thoughts hadn’t changed, but I had to admit, he was inside my head now.  While I couldn’t deny what I’d seen, what if….nah.  All signs pointed toward him messing around with this girl behind my back.  Still, though, even when he kissed me tonight, it felt like no other woman existed in his world other than me; he’d
always
had a way of making me feel that way.  Didn’t make it reality though.  As far as I was concerned, we were still in the same boat as before, only now I couldn’t say that my heart was as hard toward him.  Call me a sucker, but…I still loved him.

C
hapte
r
13

AJ

“She turned you down, though, right?”  Terrell asked, clearly not understanding why I sounded so optimistic.

“Yeah, but…I know Sam.  I think I might have a chance.”  I couldn’t stop smiling – good thing we were on the phone and not talking face to face. 

I was already imagining how the night could go.  I’d take her to dinner just like I told her I would, giving me a chance to let her know that things with my dad and the business had all worked out.  After that, it didn’t really matter where we ended up – I just wanted to be with her.

“Well…you know her better than
I do.  Hopefully she shows up.  But for real, you waited outside her door for four hours?”

I laughed a little, something I hadn’t done in weeks.  “And I’d do it again.”

“If I thought there was something I could do or say to increase your chances, I’d help you out, but she wasn’t exactly receptive to me when I called her yesterday.”

I
stretched out on my bed and listened.

“I was asking her about where she’d been – asked her if there was another dude.”

The silence on the other end of the phone left me wondering.  “What, you do think she’s with somebody?”  I asked.  Yeah, I’d considered it when I realized how much time she spent off campus, but…

“
Naw, I‘m not saying
that
necessarily.  She wouldn’t give me a clear cut answer, though…I just want you to be prepared, you know?  That’s all.  If there’s another guy.”

And there went my
confidence.  What if she
didn’t
show?  Would she really choose some guy she’d just met over me? 

“I shouldn’t have said anything,”
Terrell added when I didn’t respond.

Whether he said something or not, it wouldn’t have changed the facts, just my perception of the situation.  “You know what?  I’m just
gonna stick to my plan.  If I know Sam, she’ll be there,” I reiterated.  Granted I was less certain than before, but there was still just this feeling of knowing that she’d be there.

“Well, you know
I’m
rooting for y’all.  Call and let me know how everything turns out,” Terrell concluded just before getting off the phone to call Maisha.  I was left lying there, wondering if I was making a mistake getting my hopes up.  But that kiss, though.  She had to have felt the same thing I did.  I could tell that, even though she’s mad and doesn’t know how to take me right now, she missed me.  She was supposed to be with
me
and she couldn’t deny that even if she wanted to.

By five I was jumping in the shower, trying to forget Terrell’
s theory.  Sam would show.  She
had
to.  When I got out, I picked out one of her favorite shirts to see me in and was ready and sitting on my bed fully dressed, a little nervous, and waiting a full hour and fifteen minutes before we were even supposed to even meet.  It dawned on me that I shouldn’t be empty handed when she got there.  I had to get her flowers, a gift,
something
.  Checking the time again, I hurried out to my car with my heart set on showing Sam that I was still the same guy that she fell in love with over a year ago.  It’d take time, but I fully believed that this was possible.  The night had to be perfect, though.  No half-stepping on the restaurant
or
the gift; everything had to be just right.  After all, it’s not every day that a man has the chance to win back his girls’ heart.  The thought of this all finally working out brought a smile to my face as I left the parking lot.  I loved the way that sounded…
my
girl.

Sam

6:06 pm

I’d tossed and turned in my bed all night, going back and forth between being dead-set against meeting AJ for dinner, and asking myself what the harm would be in the two of us sharing a meal. 
Why’d he have to come over and make me doubt myself in the first place?
Granted, I wasn’t exactly satisfied with the way things were going, but at least I was sure how I felt about the two of us being apart.  It felt like I was doing the right thing, but now I wasn’t so sure.

After class, I came back to my room and showered again, put on
my long-sleeve, black and white striped sweater dress that hit about mid-thigh, topped it off with a pair of black tights, black cinching belt, black knee-high boots, and silver hoop earrings with matching bangles.  Of course AJ’s ring was still on my finger, too.  A smile crossed my face at the thought of seeing him. 

“Stop it, Sam.  What’re you doing?”  I said aloud to myself
, subconsciously choosing to spritz on the perfume I knew AJ loved.  This wasn’t quite a date even if it did feel like it.  We were just meeting up so we could talk.  That was it.  However, I can admit that I missed him like crazy. 

First, I’d go to Antonio’s and tell him in person why I had to change our plans.  He deserved at least that.  After all, I wasn’t sure how I would’ve made it through this time without him.  He probably wouldn’
t like the idea of AJ and I speaking again, but I decided that if we were going to be friends, we’d have to start with being honest.  I wouldn’t throw AJ in his face, but I wanted him to know that if this wasn’t important to me, I wouldn’t be canceling.  That’d sound better coming from me face to face than it would via text or a phone call.   When Antonio texted me an hour before to make sure I was coming, I simply replied that I was still coming by, but that we needed to talk about something.  He seemed okay with that.

After g
rabbing my coat, I was on the road.  The whole way over, I rehearsed what I’d say, imagining that Antonio would be irritated, but that he’d ultimately understand why I needed to do this.  Believing that he genuinely had my best interest at heart is what gave me the confidence to walk up to his apartment.  However, when I approached his door, the sound of soft music and the scent of vanilla heavy in the air caught me off guard.  Hesitantly, I knocked and waited.

The door unlatched and Antonio greeted me
with a smile.  Stepping aside, he practically eye-banged me when I passed by him to walk in.  My eyes wandered around his living room slowly as I took it all in.  Candles?  Music?  Mood lighting?  Maybe he misread my “we need to talk”. 

“Hey,” he said casually
, like I didn’t notice that our evening alone wasn’t just supposed to be us kicking it…as
friends
.  Now I was uncomfortable.  It wasn’t going to be as easy as I thought to let him down, not if he had his hopes so high.  Reluctantly, I took a seat.

“So…what’s up with the mu
sic and stuff?”  I asked, easing out of my jacket while Antonio went to turn the stereo down a few notches.

He shrugged.  “
Nothing’s
up with the music,” he replied with a smile.

I took a breath and looked everywhere but at him.  This was easier when I was just talking to myself in the car.  Now that I had him sitting in front of me listening, my nerve faltered a little.  It had to be said, though, before he got too comfortable with me being here.  The sooner I let him know what I needed to say, the better.

“You look….
amazing
,” he said, letting his eyes roam up my legs to where the dress hugged my hips and everything else.  Subconsciously, I tried to tuck my body inward. 

“Listen, I need to talk to you about something,” I forced out, realizing that there wouldn’t be a ‘good’ time to do it. 

Antonio’s eyes flickered with confusion. “O-kayyy…what’s on your mind?”

I had to take a breath first.  “I can’t stay.  I know we made plans to hang out, but…something else came up.”

Silence. 

“I’m actually
gonna have to be leaving in a few minutes,” I added.

“Was it the music and candles?”  He asked.  “I wasn’t expecting for anything to happen, I was just –“

I stopped him.  “It’s nothing you did.  Trust me.  I just need to go take care of something.”  It dawned on me that, while I wanted us to be honest, telling him that I was leaving for AJ was inconsiderate given the history that the three of us shared.

“I should go,” I announced, reaching for my coat that I’d draped over the arm of the couch beside me.  When I stood, Antonio reached for my hand, gripping it lightly, but still holding me in place.  When I looked down at him, his eyes were clearly fixed on my ring.

He chuffed a cynical laugh and released me.  “Wow…I guess I should’ve seen this coming.”

Now I couldn’t avoid having this conversation with him like I intended to.  “Antonio, I-“

“Didn’t you just tell me yesterday that you didn’t want to talk to him again?”  He asked, cutting me off.  “What happened to
that
?”

I was taken aback by the stern tone that he took, but chocked it up to his emotions starting to get the best of him.  “Well…when I got back to my room he came by and we talked,” I explained vaguely.  As far as I was concerned, that was the only explanation Antonio was owed.

He shook his head and stared at the wall.  My eyes shifted to the clock – I only had fifteen minutes to get to AJ.

“Look, I have to go, but I’ll call you later if you’re okay with that,” I said flatly, feeling slightly
irritated with him thinking he had the right to check me.  I slipped into my coat, but as soon as I reached for my purse, Antonio was on his feet and had my arm – this time squeezing it tighter, sending a cold chill down my back.

I shot him a look.  “Antonio, get your hands off me.  I’m not even playing right now.”  My blood ran cold in my veins when I looked into his
eyes.

He sighed.  “When are you
gonna realize that he’s not good for you?  Why is it that this dude can do no wrong in your eyes?  Even cheating wasn’t enough to make you see him for who he really is!”  Antonio’s voice boomed against the walls and I shuttered, unable to speak.  When he realized that his behavior was scaring me a little, his eyes softened.

“Sam, I’m just
sayin’…how will you ever get over him if you just keep holding on?”

I tried to relax
, but he still hadn’t let my arm go.  “Antonio, we both need to just calm down and talk about this some other time,” I reasoned.  “I’ll call you tomorrow like I said I would, and we can hash it out then.”

“Why?  ‘
Cause he’s waiting for you?”  He blurted.  “After everything he’s done to you and after I’ve rearranged my whole life to be here with you?”  The hairs on the back of my neck stood on end.  “My WHOLE life, Sam…and you’re seriously leaving me to go to him.”  He shook his head, not making eye contact, mumbling to himself.  “Still playing games.”

I didn’t respond.  His expression softened more, but his grip still hadn’t.  One step at a time, Antonio positioned himself directly in front of me, lifting my chin so o
ur eyes were locked.  My breath quickened as I tried to calculate his next move.  There was honestly a look of pity in his eyes when he shook his head. 

“You don’t even realize that everything you’re looking for is right in front of you.  A man who loves you, who’s loyal, trustworthy,” he rambled.  I balled my fist and
wouldn’t let him know that his stare intimidated me when he added, “All I’ve tried to do is help you forget him.”

Those words bounced around inside my brain. 
Help me forget him?
  I didn’t understand what he meant until he pressed his lips to mine with such violent force that I could taste my own blood in my mouth.  With my free hand, I pushed against Antonio’s shoulder for leverage, trying to turn my face away.  When I managed to separate my mouth from his, anger washed over him again and, all at once, I realized that this was going to go very wrong if I didn’t get out of there.

“What?  I can’t kiss you now?  You didn’t mind back in the
day
.”  He smiled a little, glancing down at my lips like he was thinking about kissing me again.

I didn’t even respond to his statement.  My eyes were set on my purse I already
had my phone and keys in my coat pocket, so if I could just grab my purse, I might…

Another rough kiss interrupted my plans for making an exit.  “Antonio!  What the
hell’re you doing!?!”

“Let me help you forget,”
he whispered softly, pulling me closer by my waist.  “That’s all I wanna do.”

I felt faint.  This wasn’t happening. 

“Let me go, Antonio,” I grunted, pushing against him as hard as I could.  When that didn’t work, I cocked back to slap him, but to my surprise, he was expecting it and caught my wrist in midair. 

“
Lemme take you to the room,” he said calmly.  “I promise you won’t be thinking about anyone but me when we get done.”

I stared at him in disbelief.  My brain kicked into fight or flight mode and I was hell-bent on making it to his door and running whether I had my purse on me or not.  When Antonio gripped my other arm, I struggled ag
ainst his chest, locked in a stifling bear-hug.  I could hardly breathe, let alone scream, but that didn’t stop me from trying.  I yelled for help as loudly as I could as he lifted my feet from the ground and carried me down the dark hallway to his bedroom where two candles glowed on the dresser. 

My body flew about a foot into the air when Antonio t
ossed me on top of the bed.  I had enough control to claw my way to the edge, only to be snatched back in his direction by my ankles.

“No!”  I kicked and flailed as much as I could to keep him from getting a good grip on me, but my strength was no match to his. 

The sound of my coat ripping at the hem of the sleeve was sobering as I realized that he was about to take my lifelines away – my phone and my keys were in the pocket.  If I was gonna get out of this, I’d need both.  Antonio had it off with ease, and my keys flew out and slid across the floor somewhere.  My eyes slammed shut as my options became slimmer by the moment.

I cried out in pain as
his nails dragged down the length of my thighs when he yanked my tights down to my knees, deciding at that point just to rip them instead.  
This isn’t happening.  This isn’t happening.
  I fought him, half-dazed as he covered me with his weight and pinned my hands above my head with one of his own, and worked my dress up above my hips with the other before pulling the waistband of his sweats and underwear down.

God…no….please…

“Don’t do this,” I begged, tears streaming down my face.

He didn’t respond as he tried to separate my legs by pulling my knees apart.  It felt like at any minute someone was going to walk in and rescue me because this was not supposed to be happening.  I wasn’t perfect, but I hadn’t done anything bad enough to deserve this. 
Someone would come in and stop him.  They
had
to. 
They had to…

I continued to str
uggle with him, fighting as hard as I could.  With his hips set in between my legs, his other hand was now free to secure it firmly over my mouth.  Right before he could, I screamed out as a last-ditch effort to get
someone
to hear me.  He pushed down so hard that my teeth cut into my lips and cheek.

I looked up to find a smile
set on Antonio’s face just as he forced himself inside of me, sending a searing pain through my entire body.  I let out a muffled scream into his hand as more tears ran down my face and into my hair. 
Why is he doing this to me?
  His eyes rolled back in his head as I stared up at him.  I’d never seen anyone look so ugly in all my life.  With every thrust of his hips he grunted, his pleasure contrasting my pain.  I squirmed beneath him, but he didn’t seem to even notice.  My body was going numb and I didn’t feel like I was trapped there beneath his sweat drenched body anymore.  Instead, my mind forced an illusion that made me feel like I was floating above myself and not taking part in the violent act at all as he continued to heave and jerk on top of me.

“
I promise, you’re gonna forget all about him,” he whispered breathlessly against my neck as he continued with his quick, thrashing movements.  My phone went off in my coat pocket and I sobbed like a baby at the sound of AJ’s ringtone.  He was waiting for me and I wished so hard that I could wake up from this nightmare and be sitting there beside him.  My heart felt like it twisted inside my chest as I wretched and writhed beneath Antonio. 

The phone continued to ring from somewhere beside
the nightstand.  A sudden burst of energy shot through me and I started moving wildly, trying to discourage Antonio and possibly get him off of me.  He lifted his hand from my mouth, giving me hope that I’d be able to call out for help. I only managed a short scream before his fist careened into the side of my face, leaving me disoriented.  He replaced his hand over my mouth and kept going.