Secrets (22 page)

“Coming out the shower.”

“What’d he have to say?” was Terrell’s next question.

This conversation was only irritating me further seeing as how I still hadn’t wrapped my head around what’d happened.  “He denied it.  What you
think
he said?  Tried to act like he didn’t even know she was there,” I scoffed, thinking of how absurd that sounded.  “I should’ve seen this coming.”

Maisha stroked my arm sympathetically.  “You had no way of knowing.”

But that’s the thing…I received warning weeks ahead of time and chose not to take heed.

“Now…I know it
looked
bad…but what if he’s telling the truth?”  Terrell asked.  Maisha and I both looked at him like he was stupid.  Realizing how asinine his question was, he shrugged and sat quietly.

Terrell’s question led me to believe that he needed more proof of AJ’s guilt, so I went ahead and told him what Antonio had seen.  “I got a call after we came back from Thanksgiving break from someone.  Apparently AJ was spending time with this girl back when we were in Virginia, too.  There’s no telling how long this has been going on.”

“Who snitched?”  Terrell asked.

Maisha shot him a look because of his word choice.

With a sigh, I admitted, “Antonio.”

Terrell cocked his head to the side, confused.  “I thought you weren’t talking to him anymore.”

“I wasn’t, but it’s easier to avoid phone calls than it is to avoid someone showing up at your door.”

Terrell’s posture stiffened.  “Where was I?”

I shrugged.  “In your room I think.  Yeah…it was the day you were waiting to go get Maisha from work.”

“Why didn’t you call me?”
He asked.

I didn’t see what any of this had to do with my story?
  “Because I didn’t
need
you; that’s why.  He just wanted to talk.”  I couldn’t take Terrell’s antics at the moment; my emotions were all over the place and here he was wanting petty details that didn’t even matter.  When I gripped my hair in frustration, he left it alone.  “My point is, today wasn’t the first incident; today was just confirmation.” 

A rogue tear raced down my face and I swiped it away angrily.
 

Terrell watched me for a moment, and then pulled out his phone. 
“Who’re you calling?”  Maisha asked.

“Who you think?
  AJ.”

No!”  Maisha and I both protested in unison.  “What’s wrong with you?”  She asked.

“Nothing’s wrong with me; I just wanna talk to him, hear what he has to say.” 

Maisha snatched Terrell’s phone away and gave him the death stare.  “Don’t do that!  Mind your business!”

“Well, we’re not gonna leave you here by yourself tonight,” Terrell stated with a matter-of-fact tone.  “Maisha has to work first thing in the morning, so I’ll sleep on the floor.”

“Y
ou don’t have to do that.  I’ll be alright.” 

He saw the fresh tears in my eyes and decided to hold his ground
. “I’m staying.”

Maisha rubbed my s
houlder.  “You shouldn’t be alone.  I’ll stop by as soon as I get off at four.”  She hugged me gently and left Terrell and I sitting there. 

“So,
now
what?”  I asked, prompting Terrell to shrug his shoulders.  “I don’t even know how to do this without him.”

“Do what?”  He asked.

“
Life!
 
Everything
!  It all revolved around
him
; all my plans included him. How do you recover from that?”

“I’m sure y’all are
gonna work this out.  Just give yourself some time to calm down and then y’all can talk and…”

“No…….not this time.”

My chest burned as that realization cut straight through to my soul.  There would be no talking and hugging it out.  Another girl?  I shook my head in disbelief; this had to be a bad dream.

My entire night was spent lying awake, crying off and on. 
Terrell’s snoring was surprisingly a comfort.  It reminded me that I wasn’t alone, physically or emotionally, thanks to him.  A million and one thoughts ran through my head. 
Was that girl still with AJ?  Lying in his arms like I loved to do?  Did he feel even a
little
remorseful for ruining my life?

This must’
ve been how Antonio felt when I hurt
him
.  It’s baffling how things come full circle, isn’t it?  Once upon a time, Antonio and I were in love and then here comes AJ.  Now look at the mess that one seemingly minor adjustment made.  It was a mistake ever letting AJ get in my head in the first place.  Had I stayed with Antonio, none of this would’ve happened.

When Terrell awoke, I
was sitting up against the headboard staring off into space.  He stood from the floor where he’d slept and sat beside me on my bed, wrapping his arm around my shoulder.

“Did you ge
t any sleep?”  He actually sounded hopeful when he asked.

“No
pe.”

“W
ell…..wanna go get something to eat?  I’ll buy,” he offered.

“No
, thanks.  I feel a little queasy.”

When he got tired of t
rying to get me to talk, he reached over to the nightstand and grabbed the TV remote, bringing my attention to the alarm clock.  He was supposed to be in class about an hour ago. 

“Why’d you skip?”

Terrell shrugged his shoulders and changed the channel without responding. 

“Because of me
?”

“D
idn’t feel right leaving you here by yourself,” he replied. 

I smiled at him
, grateful and baffled all at the same time.  “Thank you.”

He
nodded dismissively like I’d expected him to and continued to watch TV.  My phone rang and, surprisingly enough, Terrell passed it without looking to see who was calling.  When I threw it to the edge of the bed, he had a pretty good idea that it was AJ.

“Do you think you should hear him out?”  Terrell asked
, treading lightly.

“Nope.
  He’s a liar and it gives me a migraine trying to figure out when he’s telling the truth and when he’s not.”  I leaned my head back and stared up at the ceiling.

“I’m not pressuring y
ou, but if you wanna talk about it….” Terrell offered.  I knew he wanted to help, but he had no idea what I was going through.  Even if he did, he couldn’t do anything to make it better.  He and Maisha were happy, and here I was on the brink of losing everything.  I didn’t want to be around couples or
anyone
in love.  I
hated
love at the moment because it’d betrayed me so severely.  There was a heaviness in my chest and I felt like I was going to have a nervous breakdown all of a sudden.

“You know what
, Terrell?  Can I just call you later? I think I need to be alone,” I said flatly, not bothering to sugarcoat my words; I didn’t have the strength for niceties.  At first he seemed reluctant to leave me, but then he did as I asked. 

“Alright, but I’ll be right down the hall if you need me.”
  He looked back once as he shut the door.

Feeling a little guilty for dismissing him after he’d skipped class for me, I sank down into my bed and pulled the covers over my head.  Ano
ther crying spell came over me.  This time, the intensity of the sobbing and retching left my stomach in knots. 
Why did this have to happen to me?
  I loved AJ with everything I had and apparently it meant nothing.  If that wasn’t the truth, he wouldn’t have risked it all for another girl.

Thoughts of A
ntonio came back to mind; what I did to him was awful and now I understood what it was like to love someone and have a stranger creep in and snatch them away.  It wasn’t fair and I shouldn’t have done him that way.  Especially now that I was living in the aftermath of it all, I could admit that AJ wasn’t worth everything that I’d lost.

It shocked me how heavy Antonio was
on my mind, mostly because I felt guilty for dismissing him when he tried to tell me what was going on behind my back, but also because I found myself identifying with him more and more in the midst of all this.  It wasn’t until now that I was able to experience the full effect of what I’d done to him.  Serves me right, I suppose.

At around six that evening, Deanna returned because
apparently AJ called Karl and told him that we broke up.  She didn’t say much when she walked in and sat beside me on my bed.  I was still buried underneath the covers as she stroked my shoulder.

“I came to check on you,
hun,” she said softly.

“Thanks,” I replied, shocked that she’d climbed out from underneath Karl long enough to even notice that I was even upset.  Like I said…I was feeling a bit down on love and anyone
in
love.

“How’re you holding up?”  She asked.

I shrugged and then lie there motionless again. 

She paused and read more into my indifference than was necessary. 
“Are you mad at me for not being around?”  She added guiltily.

Not
gonna lie, I’d felt a bit lonely since moving here to Charleston.  Having Terrell and Maisha around, and AJ for a short time, had temporarily changed that, though, so I didn’t see the point in making her feel bad.  “No.  I just have a lot on my mind.  That’s all.”

She turned to look at me when my phone sounded off.  I again pulled the cov
er over my head and turned toward the wall, wishing that AJ would just…
stop
.  At least he’d respected my wishes enough not to come to my room.

“Want m
e to talk to him?” Deanna offered.

“
Don’t really care.” At this point, I was drained.  Ignoring him wasn’t working.  Maybe Deanna could make him leave me alone.

My bed creaked when she reached for my phone
.  “Hello?” 

There was silence while
AJ replied.

“She
doesn’t feel like talking,” Deanna said sweetly.  “Maybe try her back later.”

“No, don’
t try me back later!  I’ve said everything that I intend to say to you!”  I yelled, hoping he’d hear me.  There was a long pause. 

“Sam, he want
s me to put him on speaker.  Is that ok?”

I growled in frustration and pulled the pillow over my head.  The next thin
g I heard was his voice.  “Sam, let me come see you. 
Please
.  I can explain everything,” he begged.  I didn’t even justify his absurd request with a response.

He sighed into the p
hone.  “…..I love you. I’d never do what you’re thinking I did.”

The knots in my stomach tightened and I didn’t want to listen anymore.  “Just h
ang up, Dee,” I said as the tears started falling again.  She ended the call and the room fell silent again other than the sound of me sobbing.

Hadn’t h
e already done enough?  Did he really think that I wanted to hear more of his lies?
  There was no explanation that he could give for why that girl was naked in his room.  Or for why he didn’t tell me that she’d been at his house the entire time we were home for break.   He hadn’t said a word about it until he
had
to.  I was even beginning to wonder if the situation with his father had all been grossly exaggerated just to cloud my judgment and to get me to focus on something other than the overwhelming evidence stacked against him.

That night was possibly even harder than the first.  At around three in the morning, De
anna abandoned her bed and lay beside me; however, her thoughtful attempt to soothe me was in vain.  I felt bad for keeping her up with my crying, but I couldn’t help it.  The more time that passed, the more real it became……
it was over
.

I spent days cooped up there in my room like that, not eating, not getting much sleep,
missing class, just crying as I watched AJ’s name flash across my phone over and over again.  Between Deanna, Terrell, and Maisha, I was never alone, though.  I hated that they insisted on babying me, but it was nice knowing that they were there for me.  Per my request, Deanna managed to convince AJ to give me some time to process everything when he finally showed up at our door because he couldn’t get through to me otherwise.  He agreed not to come back for awhile, but continued to call almost hourly like I fully expected him to.  I let it ring and go to voicemail every time. 

Day six fell on a Monday
and that was the hardest day by far.  Mondays were supposed to be
our
days.  We’d become accustomed to staying holed up in my room from sunup to sundown, doing whatever we wanted as long as we were together.  All I thought about was him as I lay in bed, mostly staring at the walls and ceiling while Deanna watched TV.