Secrets of the Fall

SECRETS OF THE

FALL

kailin
gow

A
New Adult/Contemporary Adult Loving Summer Novel

Secrets
of the Fall

Published by THE EDGE

THE EDGE is an imprint of
Sparklesoup Inc.

Copyright © 2013 Kailin Gow

All Rights Reserved. No part of
this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means,
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or by any information storage or retrieval system, without the permission in
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contact:

THE EDGE at
Sparklesoup

1
4
252 Culver Dr., A732

Irvine, CA
92604

www.theEdgeBooks.com

First Edition.

Printed in the
United States of America.

ISBN:
978-1-59748-076-5

Prologue

Nat’s Letter to Summer

My
Perfect Summer,

I
know we’re used to calling or texting each other whenever we needed to talk to
each other, but I wanted to try something different this time, because this is
one of those times that I wish to preserve in memory, as well as paper in hopes
that someday our children or future generation could read and cherish.  

Aunt
Sookie had always been fond of letters, written in the old fashioned way. That
when forced to sit down to write a letter, taking pen to paper, you spend more
time thinking about what you want to say, and how to say it.

She
told me once that traditions like that are worth preserving. And when it comes
to anything to do with you, I want to make sure it is preserved.

Aunt
Sookie lived life to the fullest. She taught us to learn from the past, enjoy
the now, and prepare for the future.  You have always been part of my past, my
now, and even my future.

I
have avoided love for so long. I have been too afraid to open myself up to it,
afraid I will only be disappointed. But when you came along into my life, so
new to the world at only four years old to my five years old, I felt the
stirrings of love and friendship. It wasn’t until we were beginning our teens
that the love I felt for you was the kind a man has for a woman.

My
instructions to you when you’re ready to read this letter is to live life to
the fullest. To love life to the fullest. Regardless of who you end up with,
who is blessed to be the man to spend the rest of your life with, I wish you happiness.
And a lifetime of lasting love.

Wherever
you go, whatever the weather and time of year; with you, it’ll always be a
Perfect Summer.

I
love you with all my heart.

Your
Nat in Shining Armor

Summer

I’
ve read Nat’s letter to me again today. Two
weeks after finding out he had gone missing. Two whole freaking weeks. It felt
like a lifetime when all you’ve been doing was crying and drowning in
incredible indescribable pain.

No,
actually I did more than cry…I nearly lost my mind.

I
never thought missing someone could hurt so much. When Aunt Sookie died and
left me alone to live at her Malibu beach house, known as the “Pad” and to
manage her acting academy, I was in shock, but I was able to manage. Somehow.
Somewhere inside of me, there was a strength that I could draw from, instilled
by Aunt Sookie herself, that gave me hope that I can make it through. There was
grief no doubt, but I did managed to pull myself together enough to finish high
school, get a volleyball scholarship to USC and on an early admissions, and run
the acting school Aunt Sookie had left me to run.

To
go on living my life day to day.

To
get up and out of bed, to brush my teeth, get dressed, and go on about my day
like it was just another day.

I
could manage.

Because
it was what Aunt Sookie had taught me to do. To carry on. Aunt Sookie had asked
me, had made me promise that I would carry on. Just like Nat had asked me to do
in his last letter to me…before he disappeared.

Before
I got word from Drew that Nat had not returned from his life and death mission.

The
thought was in back of everyone’s mind, but we didn’t want to say it aloud. Nat
had gone to Afghanistan on a rescue mission to find and bring back his father,
the billionaire tycoon of Donovan Dynamics, who was there for a secret security
mission. The danger was immense, and if Nat and Mr. Donovan did not return,
chances were they weren’t going to.

It
was the hardest thing I’ve ever face…more so than the cyber-attacks or even the
near attempts on my life by the stalker, because with Nat gone, it was as
though a large part of me went missing, too. I didn’t know this at the time,
but loving Nat had been the most constant thing I’ve had throughout my life.
I’ve always loved him, but when we finally got together physically, it was as
though a part of me had awaken. When he and I finally made love, I became
further attached to Nat in so many ways. He really was my knight in shining
armor. My pirate to my princess in the fairy tale play Aunt Sookie had cast us
in when we were little.

When
Aunt Sookie died and I had to take over running the school, take over taking
care of myself and managing all of Aunt Sookie’s bills, the Pad, and everything
else she was involved in, I had to grow up overnight. I wasn’t the same Summer
Jones as I was the last summer Aunt Sookie was alive. I wasn’t the sweet and
naïve girl I was who stayed with her aunt during the summers and then school
year while her mother traveled the world on military business. I became Summer
Jones, college student, owner of Aunt Sookie’s Acting Academy, and inheritor of
the Pad. Also, thrown into public briefly as hottie actor Astor Fairway’s girl.
Briefly until we broke up. Me first, and then Astor. That was a whole different
story altogether, which maybe someday I will tell…the whole dating Astor
Fairway the celebrity thing…but I digress. Sometimes, life could be too much to
handle all by yourself. Sometimes, you couldn’t be that strong, but have to let
go of yourself to fall and get rebuilt again.

Strength
came in different ways, and when Aunt Sookie got sick, when the Donovans faced
divorce and suicide at their home, we all learned that strength came from helping
each other and standing by each other when the going got tough. So when Nat,
who had always been my rock, went missing on his mission to find his father, I
went ballistic. Sobbed for days, didn’t eat or sleep for days, missed classes,
and even refused to crawl out of bed.

It
was too much to handle. Missing Nat and wondering if he would ever come back,
chewed me up inside and out…screaming about it, crying about it could not take
away the pain enough.

So
I did the best I could and turned to my friend who had always been there for
me, too. Someone who knew what I was going through, who was close to Nat and
loved him too. I turned to the only other rock in my life and fell into his
arms. And now…it was more complicated than ever.

I
glanced over at the tanned bare chest of the naked man next to me in bed. Even
in the early morning grey light of Southern California fog, he had one of the
most impressive body I’ve seen. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t attracted to
him at least one bit. Any girl who had eyes would be.

He
opened his beautiful blue ones and stared lovingly at me while I took him all
in.

“Hi
Beautiful,” he said, reaching a finger to brush a strand of my long chestnut
hair behind my ear. He smiled his slow sexy smile that revealed his straight
white teeth. My breath caught in my throat. He really was that good-looking…the
guy who modeled those underwear ads, that guy who had random girls stopping him
on the streets or at supermarkets to give him their numbers…that guy was Drew
Donovan…Nat’s younger brother.

The
guy who made hot passionate love to me last night when he came over and found
me sobbing in the bathtub with Nat’s letter in my hands. And a razor nearby.

Drew
Donovan had saved my life last night.

It
wasn’t the first time he had saved my life, but this time, it was the first
time I succumbed to my feelings for him, and it made everything much more
complicated.

Chapter
1

Drew

I
t takes a major screw up to fuck up a
situation even further than it could be.  

Me
making love to Summer at her most vulnerable was a major screw up.

Did
I regret it? Part of me wished it didn’t happen under those circumstances…that
Summer had wanted me to make love to her because she loved me and wanted me for
myself, and not as Nat’s stand-in.

The
other part of me, which you could imagine which, was loving Summer a whole lot
more. There were no regrets there.

And
judging by the way Summer responded, she enjoyed it immensely.

Was
it good? The question should be…how could it not be? When you’re making love to
a woman you cherish, and all you want to do is make her feel good, how could it
not be good?

Talking
about it almost cheapens the experience. To me, making love to Summer for the
first time, was mind-blowing. I’d go to hell and back for her because she’s
that woman for me. She’s the woman who can launch wars…my Helen of Troy. She’s
the queen who can bring powerful men to their knees…my Cleopatra. She is the
woman who helped me reach my potential, the woman who saw through my bullshit,
called me out on it, and still loved me for all my flaws and imperfections. 
All packaged up nicely in a killer Victoria Secret model body with a wicked
sense of justice.

As
always, when Summer walks into a room, she brings all the sunshine in, no
matter how dark it is. Even when I found her sobbing in the bathtub with Nat’s
letter in her hands and a razor blade nearby; there was still a thread of hope
within her that made it possible for me to push that razor blade away, take her
into my arms, and kiss the tears away, and have her come back to me.

“Summer!”
I shook her in the middle of her bedroom. “Don’t even think about it,” I
scolded her while desperately kissing her lips, her cheeks, and her eyelids.
“I’m here. I’m here for you. Please, don’t do this to yourself. Please don’t
hurt yourself.”

Summer’s
naked body was whacked with sobs as she realized what she was about to do. “Oh,
Drew,” she cried. “This hurts.  It hurts so much. What am I going to do? I
don’t know…”

“Dammit,
Summer,” I said almost angrily. “Don’t you dare leave me, too.” I held her
tight against my chest, not caring that her wet skin and hair was soaking
through my t-shirt. “Don’t you pull a Nat on me and leave, Summer. I need you.
I miss Nat, too, but I so desperately…” I kissed her on the mouth hungrily now,
my tongue dipping in to taste her tongue as I press hard against her soft wet
body, kissing her with all that I have, trying hard to get through to her,
trying hard to make her feel something…anything…so that she can feel me alive
with her. “I’m here, Summer. I am here in the flesh. I know you can feel me. I
know you can touch and taste me. In the flesh…for you. I’m here for you, and
you can have me. Any way you want me. Summer. I’m yours. I. Desperately…” my
hands cupped her smooth firm but round butt and press my jeans-clad crotch
against her. “Need you.”

I
was full-on devouring her mouth and making my way down her neck and shoulders
when I stopped and took a look at her. She was standing still with her big
hazel eyes staring straight at me…her lips glistening and slightly open from my
kisses. Oh God, I wanted to dip right in again and take her mouth fully in mine
and kiss the living breath out of her. Despite this situation of finding her in
her bathtub, I found myself hotter for her than ever. I’ve never seen her more
vulnerable, and it brought out my most primal urge to protect her, comfort her,
and do everything I could to make her feel safe again.

“Drew,”
she said calmly, her tears drying on her cheeks. She reached up a finger to
touch my cheeks softly and gently. I stared at her, mesmerized by her calmness
as she leaned in towards me. I think I even held my breath as she stared into
my eyes briefly before leaning in to kiss my cheeks with her soft sexy lips.
She kissed one cheek and then the other before raising her eyes to look into
mine again. That look of intensity in her eyes. That look of desire mixed with
vulnerability, nearly made me lose all control. I wanted to grab her and carry
her off to bed. “Drew,” she said again, calmly and softly. “Don’t cry, too. I’m
here. I’m still here.”

It
hit me then that I had been crying when I found her in the tub, grabbed her out
of it, and began kissing her furiously and desperately. I didn’t even realize I
had been crying, I was so lost in trying to save Summer from taking her own
life.

The
thought of losing her at that moment caused something in me to break, to lose all
my inhibitions, and to just be me at my most rawest, my most primal self…with
Summer. I didn’t care about my image as a walking one-night stand. I didn’t
care about football.  I didn’t care about anything about me.  All I cared about
was Summer. She was what mattered. Nothing else.

I
knew then that I had to tell her. I had to let Summer know how much she meant
to me. No more playing games. No more being friend-zoned. I desperately wanted
her. I desperately loved her, more than my own life.

She
needed to know how much she meant to me. She needed to know that if she took
her own life and left me standing there alone, I could never recover from it.
“Summer,” I said, my voice shaking with emotion. If I cried, I didn’t care.
Getting her to understand I wanted her to live was more important than any
stupid male macho crap. I was suddenly that little boy at Aunt Sookie’s Malibu
pad along with my twin sister Rachel, playing with and crushing on cute little
Summer when we were little. I was the boy who watched Summer grow into a beauty
every summer, while being able to joke around, swim with, and even run along
the beach with. She was the only girl besides Rachel whom I cared about other
than as a sexual conquest. So now here she was, naked, vulnerable, beautifully
wild, and looking at me with a look that melted me.

“You’re
the only girl who can make me cry like that, Summer. You’re the only girl who
can see straight through me and into my heart. If I lost you, I don’t know what
I’d do. You are my lifeline to sanity, my window of hope. If you dare attempt
to do what you were thinking of doing, you may as well kill me, too.”

Summer’s
eyes widen as she gasped and took a deep breath in. “No, no, Drew,” she cried,
shaking her head. “This isn’t about you. It’s about me, but no. I would never
want to hurt you like that. Oh God...what was I think? I wasn’t thinking…I
don’t know what got into me…I’m sorry.”

I
took her hands and held them tightly in my own. “I swear Summer, if you even
attempt to do what you were thinking of doing, you’ve signed my death warrant,
too. Think about that. If you go, you’re taking me down with you. I will not
let you do it. Because no matter how bleak it may seem, no matter how far
you’ve fallen, there is always hope. There is always another way. Believe me, I
had been there before…and then you realize that when you’ve hit rock bottom,
that it’s a good thing. There’s nowhere else to go but up. You may not see it
now, but you will.”

I
took her hands and begin kissing her knuckles. “A few months ago, I was having
such dark dreams that it scared me. I never thought I would, but then it crept
up on me, and I was suddenly feeling all these emotions. I was on the brink,
but then something happened.”

Summer
looked at me and her eyes filled with unshed tears. “What?”

“I
thought of you…how you may need me one day. How I wanted to be there for you. I
thought of Rachel, who would no longer have a brother. I thought of Nat, who
needed me to help him deal with Mom and Dad. I thought of Mom, who needed all
of us to pull through for her. I even thought of my asshole cheating father. I
even thought of Aunt Sookie, and how much she enjoyed life to the fullest. How
she lived her short life to the fullest with no regrets. If I left, if I had
given up, I would have so many regrets, Summer. And one of the most biggest
regrets I’ll ever have is that I never got to experience, not took a chance on
loving you.”

I
took a deep jagged breath and continued while Summer covered her mouth with her
hands, overcome with emotions. “You have me, Summer. And I have you. When the
going gets tough, I’ll always be here for you.” I kissed her fully on the
mouth. “I’ll always be here for you because Summer…as much as I’ve been
fighting it, as much as I’ve tried to stay away, I can’t. I love you. I love
you so much that just the thought of you not being in my life, broke me.”

“Drew…I,”
Summer began with tears rolling down her cheeks again but I captured her mouth
with mine as my tongue tangled with hers.

She
moaned a deep moan before I deepen the kiss and wrapped my arms around her
small waist, lifting her so that her legs straddled my waist. Oh heavenly
mother of God, I could not stop myself then, just feeling her naked skin and
her open warm core pressed against me. There were times when we were naked or
heavily making out before, but this time was different. This time, I felt as
though if I didn’t have her, if I didn’t show her how much I loved her, it
would be a matter of life and death. Literally.

“Summer…”
I began, but she hushed me while raking her fingers through my hair.

“Drew…you
are all I have now. I’m sorry for scaring you like that. I am so messed up
right now, and Nat’s not even here, and I…”

“Hush,”
I said, cupping her chin with my hand and lifting her face up to meet my gaze.
“Like I said, I’m here now and I’ll do anything to help make your pain go away.
Anything, Summer, especially my body. Do what you will with me. Everything I
have is yours.”

“Your
what?” Summer asked almost incredulously.

“My
body,” I repeated, a little huskier this second knowing how it was more of a
benefit to me than to Summer, actually. Damn, I wanted her body to do with it
as I so pleased.

“If
it can ease your pain and fill that void of missing Nat, Summer, I want you to
pretend I’m Nat, use me, use my body as though I was Nat, to help you not miss
him so badly.”  As soon as I said this, I felt a pang of regret. It was like
that one time Summer wanted to experience no-holds bar casual sex just to know
how meaningless it was. To her it was meaningless, but to me…giving her Drewgasms
(pleasuring her with everything I’ve got except without me going all the way) made
it painful for me. She thought it was meaningless, but I fell deeper and deeper
in love with her. She once said she couldn’t have sex with anyone without it
meaning something. I once thought it was just something I like doing as part of
me being a guy. But all that’s changed. The tables have been turned. I was now
the one who needed more. So, as soon as the word was out about my offer for her
to use my body as a substitute for Nat just so she can get over missing him, I
knew I was going to lose my heart once more to her…hard.

“You
mean it?” Summer asked.

“Yes,”
I said. “I want you to get it out of your system, and to be able to rely on me
to do whatever it takes to get you through it.” 
Even if I was going to end
up having my heart broken for it.

“No
attachments then?” Summer asked. “I can’t handle getting attached like that to
anyone again. I can’t let myself get as attached to Nat as I was.”

I
felt myself tense up. As much as my body craved Summer, I still wanted
everything else with her. Everything including her attachment and her love for
me.

I
was about to change my mind and tell her it probably wasn’t a good idea when
Summer grabbed my t-shirt, rolled it off me, and began kissing my chest. Just
looking at her, naked, hot, and full of desire in her eyes made me instantly
forget my protest. She taking charge like this ignited my most primal urge as a
man, and I grabbed her by her waist, turned her around and flung her onto bed.
With frantic hands, I unbuckled my belt, unbuttoned my jeans, and slipped it
off.  I wasn’t even wearing underwear today, which brought a smile to my face
when I noticed Summer’s surprised expression.

“You
really have earned your rep as a ladies’ man,” she joked.

“What
ladies’ man?” I said, sliding on top of her, my heated flesh against hers. The
movement had us both take in a breath, it felt so good. I kissed her breasts
and then licked her skin down to her very core, where I worked her with my
tongue and fingers until she was crying out my name as one Drewgasm after
another whacked her tantalizing body. I moved up to kiss her face and her lips,
positioning myself up against her and loving how I was able to rub up against her. 
After some intense kissing and pleasuring, I cupped her face in my hands before
I said, “I love you, Summer. My God, I want you.”

She
looked into my eyes with unwavering clarity and said, “I want you too.”

That
was all it took for me to ease myself into her, plunging deep into her before
we both succumbed to rocking each other to the point of release.

Oh
man, was it worth the wait.

I’ve
had countless numbers of girls before, but none of them compared to what I’ve experienced
with Summer then. It was not just a physical connection, but an intense
emotional one filled with passionate and deep love. I saw the sky explode
before my eyes, and felt a tremor go through my entire body. I was in awe of
her. I could not believe I was holding, kissing, and making love to the girl
I’ve been in love with since I could remember ever knowing what a girl was.

As
much as I loved the sex, I knew if I continued on, and if she didn’t feel the
same about me, I would be the one sitting in a tub with the razor blade nearby.
Making love to her fully and finally, meant the world and more to me.