Authors: Delia Delaney
“Why do you sound so cranky?”
“I’m not cranky; I just don’t want to spend any time with you,” I nearly growled.
Harlan turned his attention from the game to give me a curious look.
Dawn scoffed on the other end and made a comment in return, but I really didn’t want to get into it with her in front of Harlan. However, I just couldn’t hold off any longer, and I told her that I couldn’t believe what she did to Tyse.
“What?
Why are you bringing
him
up
?!
”
“Because I just talked to him the other day and I had to apologize profusely about how rude and unbelievably stupid my sister is!”
“What
!?
Did you just call me stupid?”
“Yes, I did. I can’t believe you would tell a person all of those things, Dawn. How inconsiderate
are
you?”
“Inconsiderate? I did you a favor, honey. You need to open your eyes, Ellie! Ever since Tyse has been out of the picture, you’ve finally focused on your relationship w
ith Harlan. It was a good thing and o
ne day you’ll thank me
for it
.”
“Thank you?” Oh, I wanted to scream at that moment. But all I could do was take a deep breath and rub the headache that was beginning to build. “I’m not going to do this right now,” I finally said. “No thank you for the dinner invite; I need some time to forgive you, Dawn. Bye.”
I just sat there for several seconds, blankly staring at the television. Harlan didn’t ask any questions, but he did put a hand on my
leg
and softly began to rub it. I didn’t know what to say other than, “Sorry about that.”
He casually shrugged as if to say, “No problem; no need to explain.”
I sighed because I was familiar with that response. I wasn’t always sure if he truly felt that way or just said it to be polite, but that time I felt the need to explain. Especially since it seemed to have a direct effect on my relationship with Harlan, and I knew he liked me to be open about any changes that might occur because of Tyse.
“Tyse canceled his trip for Christmas because Dawn pretty much forced him to,” I began.
Harlan turned slightly so he was facing me, and listened intently.
“She basically told him what a piece of garbage she thought he was.”
“Ouch,”
he
replied.
“And she told him he was causing problems in
our
family
, and uh, that he was interfering with my relationship with you. She, uh, also told him we were engaged.”
Harlan raised his eyebrows. “We are?” he smiled.
I smiled too, and it helped relieve some of the
tension
.
“Well I’d say he kind of took a verbal beating,” he said.
“Yeah, he did.
And that’s what he does. He just takes it.
”
We were both silent for several seconds, and I don’t think either of us knew what to say. Finally Harlan restarted the conversation by asking, “And what does this mean for you? You spoke to Tyse the other night. Did everything get cleared up?”
“Yes. I mean…we talked about all of it. He kind of sided with Dawn, though, claiming he understood that she was just looking out for me.”
“Dawn is like a mother bear,” Harlan smiled. “And even though her intentions are good, she doesn’t always react rationally.”
He knew
I didn’t really want to talk about Dawn, so Harlan asked, “So?
About Tyse.
What does it mean for you? You know why he backed off—between your sister and the job he took, it seems like enough to explain things—but did you tell him how you feel about him?”
This was the uncomfortable part. Even though Harlan very clearly stated, several times, that he wanted me to decide for myself what I really wanted, I still worried that his patience would end up running out.
“Ellie, no holding back, okay? This is your chance to get it all out there, and all I want is to know everything that you’re feeling. It doesn’t do me any good to break it gently.”
I smiled and shook my head. “I don’t have anything to break to you, Harlan. I just… I decided that I didn’t need to get into all of that with Tyse. I mean I did tell him how much he means to me, and that we still needed to keep in touch despite what my family may or may not think, but I didn’t feel that I needed to say anything further.”
“
Could you clarify
? You don’t feel that way about him anymore, or you didn’t
think he returned your feelings
so you didn’t even get to the heart of the matter?”
Yeah, leave it to Harlan to put things into perspective. Maybe one of these days his communication skills would rub off on me.
“Well…”
“Ellie,” he smiled. “Simple words. Just spit it out.”
“
Well,
I tried to tell him how I felt—you know, by gradually saying things to lead into the conversation—and then he’d say something that completely halted my progress. And then he just always throws in those ‘friend
’
phrases
, you know? And I don’t know if he just says that because that’s how he feels, or he says it because he knows all alon
g what I’ve been leading up to and
he doesn’t feel that way
about me
.
You know, as his way to stop me from making a fool of myself.
I always find myself resorting to the friend phrases too, so maybe it’s me that’s ruining any kind of progress.
”
Man that felt so weird to say out loud. It was like a conversation I’d have with Dawn, not the guy I was casually dating and had been kissing all day.
“Sounds like you’ve thought a lot about the possibilities,” he said. “So the bottom line is that you still have feelings other than friendship for him?”
I took a few seco
nds to gather my thoughts. H
e wanted straight answers, right?
“Yes, I still feel the same way. Not much has changed. Actually that’s not true,” I added.
Harlan tilted his head with question.
“Well I still feel the same about Tyse,” I clarified, “but, uh, at the same time…”
Why was I so emotionally challenged? Actually I knew what I felt, but maybe I was just verbally challenged since I couldn’t say things out loud.
“At the same time, what?” Harlan asked softly. Just his concern made my heart
grow
. He was so caring and considerate about everything in my life. I felt like I didn’t deserve him.
“At the same time I love being with you,” I replied quietly. “I care about Tyse, but right now my life seems to be with you. That still confuses me,” I
made sure he knew
, and he nodded, “but…that’s how I feel and…that’s where I am at this point.”
I shrugged, not sure if any of that made sense, or if Harlan would be upset that I still hadn’t figured things out. But he only smiled and took my hand in his. After he kissed it he said, “There. It’s all out,
yes
?”
I nodded.
“And
is there anything I can do for you? Anything I can say or do to make life easier for you?”
I smiled. “Harlan, I don’t even know what you could possibly do that you don’t do already. You spoil me and I don’t even deserve it.”
“Says who?” he scowled. “That’s poppycock. You deserve more but you’re too stubbo
rn to accept it. But then again…
I could always stop letting you beat me at billiards.”
I laughed out loud and playfully shoved him. “You do not.”
“Ye
s, I do,” he nodded seriously.
“Really? And I just thought you were absolutely horrible because I’m not even that good.”
He had a funny smile on his face, so I wasn’t sure if he was serious or not. We decided that he would just have to prove himself the next time we played.
“So earlier on the phone you said you had something you wanted to tell me,” he said. “Was that it? –Your conversation with Tyse? What your sister did?”
“Oh. Uh…yeah, that was on my mind. I didn’t really know how to confront my sister about it, but I guess
it’s
taken
care
of now,” I frowned.
He barely nodded. “It will work out, Ellie.”
“I hope so. I’m not sure I’ve ever been this angry with her.”
“Delicate issue. It’s kind of in her nature to interfere with your life, eh?” he smiled.
I chuckled. “Yeah, she thinks it’s her job. She’s totally on your side though, just so you know.”
“Oh? I have the support of the sister you strongly dislike right now? Is that supposed to help or hinder?”
“Yeah, I guess I see your point,” I smiled. “But Dawn doesn’t have much influence on my life anymore. I guess I’m gradually learning to decide things on my own. Which reminds me… There was something else I wanted to share with you.”
“Oh? And what’s that?
”
“Europe.”
He raised his eyebrows. “Oh. You’ve made a decision?”
I nodded. “Yes. I’d very much like to go with you, Harlan.”
I loved the smile he gave me. It was kind of a mixture
of
happiness and relief, and it assured me that my choice was right.
“I’m very happy to hear that,” he replied. “You didn’t have to have an answer so soon.”
“But I’ve always known it was my answer, so why would I want to wait any longer to tell you?”
“You’ve always known?”
“
Mm
-
hmm
. My first instinct was to tell you yes, but I decided to think about it like you said.”
“But your decision really must have been solidified after you talked to Tyse, right? Did that have anything to do with it?”
Honest answers
, I told myself.
“Yes, it did. But your first impression or feeling is usually correct, right? At least that’s how I looked at it. I really wanted to go with you but…”
He seemed to wave it off. “There’s no need to explain your decision
, Ellie. I shouldn’t have asked.
I’m just happy that you’ve decided to come.”
“You have a right to ask, Harlan. Maybe that’s what we should be talking about, too. How are
you
doing? What are your thoughts and feelings about everything? Are you completely frustrated with me?”
He chuckled. “Well, I’m fine. You’ve actually just made my entire year by agreeing to travel with me.
And my thoughts and feelings about
everything
?
That could take a while.”
I rolled my eyes. “Okay, not about
everything
.”
“And the level of frustration I feel
for
you is…pretty low. Maybe the frustration I feel
because
of you is a little more prominent, but that is just a facet of life.”
“Hmm, sounds like you should expound.”
With a smile he replied, “Yes, it’s hard to share your attention with another fellow. Even though I do understand, it
is
difficult.
But I enjoy every moment I have with you, and I
don’t want to take that for granted. I’ll take whatever you have to give me, Ellie. I
wish
I could be the sole recipient of your devotion, but you have every right to shop around. I’m very happy to be in your life—any little part of it that I can be.”
Harlan could have said that to me a month ago and it wouldn’t have affected me. He’d expressed feelings like that from the beginning, and whereas I only took it as casual flirting back then, I couldn’t view it that way anymore. Now that I knew him, now that I’d spent so much time with him and shared so many honest aspects of my life, the gravity of those words hit me a lot deeper. I believed that he truly felt that way about me, and even though it was amazing to have someone like him in my life, it made me feel guilty. It made me look at how much of himself he was actually giving to me, even knowing that I might not do the same for him. He had once said that the heart could give more than we realize, but sometimes it has to learn to prioritize.
Harlan was basically waiting for me to prioritize.
For the next
couple of months
my life consisted of work and Harlan. I occasionally spoke to my parents, had dinner with them a
few
times
with
Harlan, and they were smart to not bring up anything about Tyse or my sister. I still wasn’t speaking to Dawn, especially after she called Harlan and tried to convince him that I was being really irrational about everything, and
that he should
be firmer with me and not let me get away with being such a brat. From what I gather, Harlan put her in her place, so now she didn’t want to speak to either of us.