Authors: Delia Delaney
I only talked to Tyse on the phone
a few times
, and
each time
lasted less than two minutes. It was almost like he called me back at the most inconvenient times
(like while he was stepping into a classroom or right before batting practice)
, just so he didn’t have to talk for long. Other than that, he would only return my calls with a quick text message.
I even challenged him about his reluctance to talk to me and he laughed it off. He said, “Believe it or not Ellie, but I really am that busy. I kind of warned you about that before, didn’t I?”
Yeah, he did. I guess I was expecting more from him than he was able to give, and between school, a job he was putting thirty hours towards a week, and baseball, he was probably busier than I was.
And no, I didn’t get any further with expressing how I truly felt about him. It just d
idn’t seem real to me anymore—l
ike I’d originally had this plan, this idea, and now it didn’t seem feasible any longer. I couldn’t just stop how I felt about him with a snap of my fingers, but I guess I was counting on the fact that other things
might be helping me move on.
I hoped that
Tyse
only liking me as
just
a friend would gradually stop disappointing me. I was counting on that,
praying
that my life would be filled with enough to get over it.
Based on my original thoughts of Harlan, I never thought he would be
the one to fill
some of
that space. He had become quite important to me, and yes we were on official boyfriend/girlfriend terms. There wasn’t really any sort of “decision” about it; it just evolved that way naturally. His coworkers knew me well, my coworkers knew him
well.
Even radio listeners in Portland knew Harlan well because of how often our personal lives came up during our shows. It was standard for Ken and Jack to say
“
my wife
”
this, or
“
my kids
”
that, and it had also become standard for me to bring up Harlan. We even randomly called him up one morning while he was at home because Jack wanted to ask him some weird ER questions. It was actually a pretty funny show, and Harlan—being the smart and clever lad he is—really had listeners
captivated.
“So at what age did you start playing doctor with the girls?” Jack
eventually
asked him.
I had rolled my eyes, but Harlan was pretty charming about it, teasing that all the lasses in the neighborhood were lined up around the block for treatment. After Ken and Jack had a good laugh about that, Harlan truthfully explained that he was a pretty big troublemaker, and that he really didn’t have much direction in his life until he was about fourteen.
Ken kind of chuckled and asked, “So…
you’re saying you were fourteen when your doctor instincts kicked in?”
Harlan was a great sport, and I had later asked him to tell me (truthfully) if calling him was okay. He was all right with it, even claiming that it was “fantastic” because he got to spend more time with me—even if it
was
on air with thousands of listeners.
I guess it was all the little things
about him
that won me over. If you assessed all the big things that were attractive about a guy—looks, personality, and overall
grasp
of life in general—Harlan had it all. But when you add all of the things that made Harlan unique—all of the things that
I
found tipped the scale—he was by far one of the most amazing guys that I had ever met. He did have this really mature, really experienced side to him when it was necessary—maybe that was because of the way he grew up, or
where
he grew up—but at the same time
,
his playfulness could completely take me by surprise. He was funny, and sometimes he would use his British background as a way to get away with silly things like
not
do
ing
something
or not understanding me
because
I
didn’t use the “right” word.
We got along pretty well and we never really had any serious arguments except about something in a joking manner. There was only one time that he raised his voice at me, and it all started because he had decided to turn down a job
in Salem
that he’d applied for a year prior. After much back-and-forth discussion about it (
I was
worried
that I was
the real reason that he turned down the job)
Harlan, after the fifth time asking
why he would turn down something he really wanted, finally yelled, “Because I love you, damn it!”
Needless to say there was some odd tension in the air at that moment. I knew he didn’t want me to know that, fearing it would change things in our relationship and scare me away, but at that point I couldn’t help laughing. He was kind of ticked at first, not understanding my true feelings at the moment, but when I replied, “Well I love you too,
damn it
!” it kind of changed his mood.
“What?” he ended up replying. He seemed pretty shocked, which caused me to wonder why he would be so surprised. Surely he felt that from me, didn’t he? So then, instead of kissing and showing each other how we really felt about our new status, we had to stand there for two minutes and discuss it. Finally he just said, “Stop talking,” and he kissed me, telling me how much he loved me a dozen more times that night. A week later we took our trip to England, and it was one of
the
most amazing vacations I’d ever experienced.
Now it was pretty customary to hear one of us add a “damn it” to the end of an “I love you.”
I did think about Tyse during that time
. M
ore than just a little
,
actually
. It was, in fact, a week that I had planned on spending with him. I hadn’t even told him about the trip to Europe before he just decided to blow me off the
month before
anyway. He told me he was pretty busy and that I shouldn’t bother coming. I didn’t protest
,
of course
—b
ecause of the vacation I had
planned with Harlan—b
ut I did say several things like, “Even if you had just a day or two for me I’d be okay with that,” or “You know you don’t have to humor me every second of my time there…” It didn’t make a difference though because Tyse just apologized and said we could hang out another time. That time I did argue
with him, claiming that he was making it really hard to have any kind of friendship with him. He only apologized again and said, “You know how I hate saying these things out loud, but I’ll try and make it up there this summer, Ellie.” I felt like he was just trying to pacify me.
I didn’t even tell him about Europe until the next time I talked to him, which
was two weeks after that.
He was the one that actually called me for once, and it was just to tell me that the paper he wrote about me got him an ‘A.’
“Really?” I replied with a smile. “Now was this a work of fact or fiction?”
He laughed. “Uh, I’d say it was definitely fact.”
“Hmm, you’ll have to mail me such paper so I can see for myself.”
“Uh, well, sorry, but I just tossed it.”
“Tossed it?
In the garbage?
Get it!” I demanded. “I want to read this thing.”
“Nah, it’s not that big of a deal. But hey, I
gotta
get going. Heading for practice so I’ll catch you later. I’ll try to call you next week, let you know how our games go this weekend.”
And that’s when I told him I’d be in a different continent for the week. He just had a general response like, “Oh, hey, that’s cool. You’ll have fun. Okay, I
gotta
go, Ells. Bye.”
And that was the last time I talked to him. Now it was almost
three weeks later
and I’d only received one tiny little text that answered my question about his team’s current standing, and then another tiny text that replied, “I’ll have to see” when I asked if he could still come north this summer.
I no longer confided in Harlan about my frustrations with Tyse. He knew we barely communicated because Tyse was “too busy,” but I refrained from regressing to that routine that was so
prevalent
i
n the beginning of our
relationship. Patient or not, I was smart enough to realize that Harlan put our relationship with one another first, and I would be wise to do the same. I just couldn’t figure Tyse out anymore, and I decided it was time to stop worrying about
it and focus on what I had, what was in front of me, what was my life now…and that was Harlan.
Chapter Thirty-Three
They say when life gives you lemons make lemonade. But if life gives you lemonade, do you drink it, or question why you got it?
Harlan had the intent to marry me. I knew that because we’d talked about it several times. I could easily see myself married to Harlan. I knew he would treat me with respect and always put my needs first, and I knew he’d be a great father to our kids.
I had no doubt that he loved me, and our life together seemed like a pretty logical fit. There was no ring, no proposal
,
and no promises of marriage, but he flat out told me he wanted to get married, and if I was ever ready to take that step with him to let him know. There was no plan set, no timeline or agenda, and no pressure. He assured me that what we had was perfect if that
’s what I wanted to stick to
, and that I could take all the time I needed.
It was the beginning of June; I was twenty-one and Harlan had just turned twenty-six. I felt ready to become a wife, settle down in Portland with Harlan, and raise a family. I loved my job, Harlan loved his job, and we were both happy.
There was only one negative aspect about marrying Harlan: I just couldn’t do it.
He had asked me flat out one day if I still had feelings for Tyse, and even though I said I barely felt like we were friends anymore, he gave me a look—much like the look he gave me when I
wouldn’t take my sister’s call the day before. He was disappo
inted in me, or in his words, “w
orried,” and I could tell he wished for a different response. I guess with Dawn I always thought his concern had to do with the fact that we were sisters and not on very good terms. I knew he wanted us to make up and move forward, but I guess I never wanted to admit out loud why I couldn’t do that. Apparently Harlan knew why but never said so, so when the question about Tyse came up, everything was out in the air.
“Ellie, this has gone on for far too long,” he said.
It was a beautiful Sunday afternoon and we were sitting on his back patio drinking
lemonade
. He had asked the question, I
evaded
it with what I thought was an appropriate answer, and Harlan was obviously not
satisfied
.
“Please don’t deflect from the actual question, Ellie,” he sighed. The way he looked at me literally broke my heart. He was heartbroken himself, and I was the reason for it. I knew this day would come—maybe not entirely, but I worried that it would—and I still wasn’t ready to face it.
“Harlan, sometimes I think you’re just waiting for me to say I’m in love with him or something—like it’s the only way you’re actually going to believe anything I say.”
“Are you?” he asked quietly. “Are you in love with him?”
I couldn’t answer yes
or
no. I wasn’t even sure. How would I even know? I was about to explain how on-the-fence I felt about it because I
’d
never actually
dated
Tyse to
know
how I truly felt, but would you believe that his name came up on my phone that very second? No joke, it sat there on the patio table, vibrating with his name in plain sight.
Harlan stood
up from his chair and kissed the top of my
head. “I want you to answer the call Ellie, and
I want you to be honest with him. T
hen we’ll continue this conversation when you’re done.” He took the phone from the table, pressed the answer button, and handed it to me before he went inside.
I was
nearly shaking when I put the phone to my ear. I had no idea what Harlan was going to say when I was done. What did he want me to say? Was he going to change things between us?
“Uh, Ellie? Are you there?”
“Oh, hey Tyse,” I forced myself to reply.
“Uh, you okay? You don’t sound good.”
“Oh, no I’m…I’m just outside…”
“Oh. Well I have some news for you,” he said.
I could even tell he was pretty excited
,
so I took a deep breath to rel
ease some of my Harlan worries.
“Really? What kind of news?”