Tantric Orgasm for Women (13 page)

Isolating and Relaxing the Vaginal Muscles while Moving

We can begin to think about movement in a few alternative ways. One way of moving is to change positions frequently without losing the contact
between the penis and vagina. The penis-vagina unit is the central point around which all movements happen. (See figures 9.1 and 9.2 on the following pages for two sequences of positions that rotate around the penis and vagina.) When you want to move the pelvis, attempt to isolate the vaginal muscles and keep them relaxed and open while moving the pelvis itself. The pelvis is actually moved by a muscle in front of the spine (the iliopsoas), so when moving the pelvis, try to connect with that area behind the belly and in front of the spine. This is not so easy; it demands awareness. Check to see what other muscles are
not
needed for the movement (there are many, such as the buttocks, belly, and thighs), and be sure to use the muscles that
are
needed in a relaxed, slow, easy, conscious way. Slow movements guarantee awareness and increase sensuality. At times the two bodies will unexpectedly take off and move of their own accord in a rolling fashion as an outcome of the magnetic attraction and a circular movement of energy. Also, a whole range of reduced or smaller movements of the penis within the vagina are possible that do not result in much rubbing of the penis against the vaginal walls, and these are delightful to do any time or all the time.

Fig. 9.1. Sequence of rotating positions through front

Figure 9.2 Sequence of rotating positions through rear

The essential thing to know is that tensions in general do not invite the deeper experience of orgasm, and can even work against it. In conventional sex there is a fair amount of activity and movement because we believe this is a prerequisite to sexual pleasure. But relaxation, not tension, is at the source of female orgasm as a prolonged, sustained state.

Using Breath, Words, Eyes, Lips

Relaxation hails the present moment, with nothing to do and nowhere to go. Lovers can greatly intensify the here and now in a few significant ways. They can use breath, words, eyes, kissing, and embracing all of the senses—each of these has an impact on the sexual exchange. Breath in itself is enough to lead to the orgasmic state. Breath keeps you in the present in your body, which is a good thing because you won’t easily have an orgasm while you are in your mind thinking about something else. Breath helps you to merge with the body and become one with the source of life.

Ideally, breathing should be rhythmic, deep, and slow. Attempt to take the breath down into the belly; avoid taking it into the chest. Breathing through the nose is a more refined breath; however, breathing through the mouth is at times more comfortable or appropriate. Take the breath in the direction of the genitals to expand your sensitivity there.

You have probably noticed that, in practice, it can be extremely difficult to
keep attention on the breath—especially while you are so involved with awareness
on other levels. However, do return with awareness to your breath whenever it
strikes you that you are not present to it. Consider your breath as a best
friend that can help you out whenever you feel a bit less than alive and
present. Breath always has a positive impact. If you are interested in pursuing
the breath more deeply, it is helpful to create a balance between the length of the in breath and the length of the out breath. Count along with the exhale and the inhale for five or seven counts each way, or for whatever count suits you. With practice you will establish deep and regular breathing. Balancing the breath will also bring awareness to the moment between breaths, the
no breath
—a moment in which, floating ecstatically in the gap between the out breath and the next in breath, we
glimpse eternal life. You can intensify the effects of the breath by using imagination too, which works wonders for some people. Imagine golden light streaming from the breasts on the out breath and golden light being drawn in through the vagina on the in breath.

Kissing brings a tremendous feeling of unity, in your own body and with your partner. When lovers’ lips come together it is as if a circle has been completed, so the body sensations will intensify. Kissing helps a woman merge with her body. Kissing with the tongue penetrating the mouth easily leads to excitement, especially for a man, so it is a treat to be saved for rare occasions. But far more interesting than the tongue are the lips themselves. Keep your mouth closed and bring the lips together in a relaxed way. Infuse them with your awareness and then bring them into juicy contact with the lips of your partner, who with luck is doing the same thing with his lips. Make good, succulent contact, not a light and airy touch. Be as present as possible in your lips; imagine you are drinking from one another. I was touched in one workshop I led when a woman told me she and her husband had learned to kiss after twenty years of marriage. She was ecstatic about it—a new level of sensuality had opened up through the effects of truly kissing to her heart’s content.

At times when you are not kissing, keep scanning with your awareness at the lips and mouth, because habitual tensions gather here very quickly. The habit is to pull the corners of the lips down. Experiment with this setting of the lips and pay attention to your mood; you will notice that you start to feel a bit miserable. Numerous people display this unconscious tension, especially women, because it is here that disappointment in life begins to reflect itself. To offset the drooping lip corners you can consciously raise your lip corners a few millimeters, into the tiniest hint of a smile. If you are observant you will notice an immediate sense of well-being: a contentment and a lightness rises up, lifting the face, and you may even experience the energy circling into the third eye area between the eyebrows.

Finally, speaking out loud what you are experiencing in your body is a way to amplify inner experiences immensely. Simply say what you feel and where you feel it. Start with the words “I feel . . .” and only talk about yourself, not your partner. The moment the words are spoken, your body
will instantly respond with a spreading of the sensations already present. It is as if they answer to the acknowledgment with a kind of applause. We probably
have all had the experience of putting a name to something and having a sense of ease follow. The same thing happens in making love. First, in communicating this way you are acknowledging your own body with your awareness. Second, sharing and speaking up has the benefit of informing your partner about what is going on for you. This in turn relaxes him because he doesn’t have to guess. Through sharing
in the sexual exchange, a man is able to learn from his woman what suits her and how it suits her.

“Sharing your now” means giving a short, concise report, a few words describing your inner experience. It does
not
mean having a long conversation about what is going on—on the contrary, the shorter the better. And you do not need a reply, although hearing your partner share
his
now in that moment, or any other, is wonderful. But if you turn a “sharing of now” into a conversation, you divert attention away from the intensity of the present moment, which leads to thinking and then, all too easily, to talking about old experiences that are not really relevant to the moment. The brief body reports help us keep track of what is happening moment by moment, without fantasy or imagination, past or future. Expressing tears or any feelings (again, simply) are also ways of sharing that increase body sensitivity.

A woman shares her experience:
“Sharing so far has been the major key for me. From the beginning we shared anything that disturbed
the new
. As the sharing was mutual it helped me to drop all judgments and really share
everything
, which feels like a revolution. It makes me aware of the collective, and the depth of my conditioning—how much my ego, my self-worth is related to sex, to my pussy.”

Communication is also greatly enhanced by the use of direct language; indeed, getting closer to one’s own experience in sex, and that of your lover, requires the use of direct terms. For this reason I continually use the biological words
vagina
and
penis.
Often people will use more romantic or euphemistic words for the male and female genitals, like
yoni
and
lingam,
but this still keeps us in slight mystification and distance from ourselves. Experience has shown that it is helpful to communication to use the culturally accepted biological terms.

An event in a recent workshop in Europe may serve to illustrate this point. During the translation of my words from English into German, the translator (a man) twice used a crude but commonly accepted German slang word for the penis. On the third occasion of my using the word
penis,
I leaned over and whispered quietly to him, asking him please to use the actual German word for penis. It was difficult for him to do so the first time, and later a few times he made the same slip, quickly correcting himself.

On the final day of the group a man came up to me and said how important it had been for him that I had insisted that the translator used the word
penis
. He said that for him this marked the start of real communication with his wife. For the first time they were really able to talk about sex. Over the course of the workshop they became comfortable using a common and shared language, and so suddenly they could describe and share many small details, which before was impossible. When I shared this feedback
with my partner, Raja, he said, “It’s true, you know. You can say
penis
and
vagina
happily a hundred times over and over and it sounds fine, but for sure you can’t keep saying
pussy
and
prick
. It just sounds wrong. Even
yoni
and
lingam
again and again is too hard.” Unfortunately, many of the slang words associated with sex are degrading to women (and some are degrading to men as well). We would do well to slowly ease those kinds of words out of our daily expression.

The moment is also tremendously intensified if you allow a meeting of your eyes while making love. The eyes should be used in the way of soft vision as explained in the exercise at the end of chapter 2—no hard and fast staring, but a passive, receptive, inward vision. This inverting of the energy that is usually dispersed in actively looking allows that energy to fall back and flow onto the heart, opening it. Closing your eyes is also fine—it enables you to sense more deeply into yourself in certain moments—but keep them open as much as you can. The eye contact helps enormously in releasing old patterns of self-consciousness, being embarrassed by sex and the like. At first it
can be challenging to be confronted by our limitations, but usually some tears or laughter, even a shiver or a shake, will do the trick and burn up our sexual confusions.

Women Sharing Experiences

“It is beautiful to keep eye connection. It makes it easier for my body and vagina to receive my partner. I experience energy moving from my eyes to my heart and from my vagina to my heart. I feel very good, very happy.”

“I was a bit apprehensive about the eye contact as I have been
used to keeping my eyes closed a lot of the time—but actually I liked the space it brought me to. It definitely added another loving flavor to the flow with my partner.”

“I realize the importance of being
inside
first, centered in oneself before connecting, and then
staying inside
while connecting—the more the better. It’s also important for me that I do not feel my partner ‘coming out,’ becoming disconnected to his own center. Then his desire can feel like a demand, a wanting. Feeling connected this way is a delicate space to get to. It requires practice when we are not so used to it.”

“Something exquisite is happening for me. I often feel, as I look in my partner’s eyes while we make love, that I am looking in the eyes of a Buddha. I thought such an unconditional love could only exist between me and my Master. Now it is right here.”

“I find more peace in me. I discover my female side more and more. I feel this quiet happiness. I feel there is a healing process occurring on many levels. Old patterns come up once in a while, but as long as we stay open about them I can deal with them. The awareness of the eyes receiving images instead of looking outward helps so much to relax us. The energy is so different. We have not experimented so much with different positions yet, but we did experiment with small changes in one or two positions. It
is amazing how a small change in a position or a small change in the movement can change the energy so much. How or where my lover is touching me is changing my own energy flow.”

“We are very well, feeling happy and fulfilled, our love warm, tender, and wonderful. We’re having fun experiencing more and more about love-making. For me it’s mainly experiencing the expanding orgasmic waves up to my solar plexus/heart area, which feels so ecstatic when it happens. It’s also great to feel that it doesn’t matter if it doesn’t happen because I can experiment again next time and again and again. It’s a wonderful release to experience that lovemaking has become an important part of our lives and has gained so much priority. This helps me a lot to relax and just be with whatever happens. My man is still ejaculating often, but we stay together for a long time before he does. I am really improving being in the here and now and enjoying what is instead of looking for something else to happen. Sometimes, in lovemaking, it’s like unseen doors are opening up, giving me deepest insight into questions I might have about
life or death. It’s like getting flashes of stunning clarity—comparable to experiences I’ve had in deep meditation. So it is wonderful, and I am very happy.”

“I must tell you my wonderful progress. I have had my first truly wonderful orgasm with my man’s penis in my vagina . . . with no pain! This has so far been unachievable in our twenty-three-year relationship! I still cannot believe how much has changed for us. We will keep going this way because it works—it is a healing process. It can change everything in the way we perceive ourselves and it makes us conscious in making love.”