Tantric Orgasm for Women (17 page)

One Woman’s Journey

I am fortunate to be able to include here a written report by a woman from Switzerland, now a good friend, whom I first met during a “Making Love” retreat several years ago. She and her partner have been experimenting very sincerely with tantra since then. Recently I slipped her an email asking her to write, if she wished, a few lines to quickly encapsulate her experience. Instead of the two or three lines I expected she sent a comprehensive and sincere assessment of her transformation, and I am grateful to her for doing so. Her experience can be an encouragement and inspiration to every woman.

The most amazing development in our sexuality and lovemaking is this: The plugging in (the “tantric quickie”), which we do at least twice a day when we are together [they live together half of the week] is somehow healing deep wounds in our bodies
and
souls without our conscious effort or contribution. Fully beyond our heads (quite unusual for us), the bodies are doing this healing all by themselves! I enjoy sex much more, am always ready to make love provided there is enough time, and the pressure to perform is gone, as well as the fear of being hurt again. S. now knows his penis can come into my vagina anytime, which makes it less desirable somehow. But also, his urgent physical “baby needs” are finally fulfilled. He really seems to finally get what he needed most throughout his life with the plugging in!

So when we are exhausted from working too much, we now peacefully plug in and go to sleep instead of the earlier dramas of having to have an exciting sex act at any cost because if we didn’t have sex every day, something wasn’t normal in the relationship (thus spending two or more difficult hours trying to achieve something, under performance pressure, with fancy underwear and toys, etc., instead of sleeping, which
was what our bodies really needed . . .). When we wake up at night, we either
plug in again or make love. The first one to awaken in the morning asks the other one to plug in once more.

This has made us into peaceful human beings—no more fighting in the office, which we did daily before we learned from you. And if we do fight, we know that we are not taking enough time for love and have skipped our weekly appointments for making love. This skipping unfortunately still happens quite often. We are so performance-driven and responsible for our company, with twelve employees, and our garden, that we have difficulties with making time for love a top priority. (Interestingly, when we do just that and go away for a full week to a “Making Love” workshop, orders come in like crazy—this has happened two times now!) S. is getting what he needs to a point where I feel he really wants me as his partner, and has stopped wondering if there is anyone better out there. I feel the same way, especially when life with him is not stressful. Then it’s all that I have ever dreamed of; we come into love deeper and deeper! We’re even talking about getting married.

The other great help was your teaching about the difference between
emotions and feelings. We are still both working hard at the “daring to express
our feelings” part. I still sometimes don’t dare to express them in order to
minimize stress when it is already here. But then my resentments toward the stress come out in other ways, in aggressions—so I don’t serve the whole if I don’t say what I feel! My head knows that, but the little girl inside is still afraid to lose the love she needs so badly.

I’m working on that. It was amazing how few times we had to go jogging or screaming or cleaning before we recognized being emotional quickly enough to stop the fighting. Only a total of about five times—but we are used to recognizing patterns amongst the two of us, which was also very helpful. My breasts are still very sensitive and accept touch only when it happens in a fully loving way. They want S.’s or my own hands to go away immediately again when they feel manipulated. This is a tough one. It would take several sessions of loving touch to more easily welcome touch at my breasts—I better start planning for them!

In our third time of attending your “Making Love” workshop I had a beautiful release inside. A great pain came up in my vagina or uterus
shortly before my period. I usually never have that. When I got up at night to
go to the toilet and came back, it had gotten so bad I woke up S. and asked him
to plug in to make it better. We started talking about the pain, and at some
point I said “I carry this pain with pride.” S. asked “For whom?” and I
instantly replied “For my father, of course.” S. said, “But your father doesn’t
see you, is not interested in you, and thinks you’re crazy anyway!” All of which
is true. I realized the little girl in me still does everything she can to win
her father’s love, because she wasn’t able to reach him with her great love for
him when she was little. So I took my pillow (standing for the little girl) into my arms and finally cried about this. The tears and mourning washed away my core belief that love doesn’t have a chance (because it didn’t have one back then). This belief had led to my subtle dismantling of love whenever it showed itself, with a little criticism here and some aggression there—I seem to have done that in order not to reexperience the disappointment of not reaching somebody with my love, which was so overwhelmingly big when I was a child and had left me so very lonely. After the crying and recognizing what it was telling me, the pain in my belly slowly went away. I’m very careful now to give love a real chance, especially with S. and my children. . . .

Women Sharing Experiences

“Another ‘aha!’ realization that keeps coming to me is never to take anything of my partner’s response as personal
and
not to exclude anything. It reminds me of the well-used phrase ‘Tantra does not exclude anything.’ I also had to let go very early in the process of this idea and identification that I am a very fucked up and wounded woman. To disengage from the emotional, over and over, is a delight.”

“I connected with my own rejection wound. I’ve been in it for days—in pain and panic and not able to see my way. It’s like a rewinding. Right now I’m back to ages seven to eleven, realizing how much this little flower has been abused. I feel compassion for myself, my partner, all the unconsciousness. . . . From this wound I have rejected others, especially men. Everything has been about projection. I cried for hours.”

“The wounds seem all to be in the heart—all about receiving love and giving love. When a lot of rejection is there, there is a closing to receiving love and a disbelief that my love has value to a man.”

“Today I really connected with the eyes as a key. Keeping eye contact kept us both present and lifted me right out of the emotions and past movies, and I found that I can trust my intuition about how to move into this space. Also, opening my eyes with the focus being ‘in’ and not ‘out’ helps me to stay connected almost as much as if I have my eyes closed.”

“I had major energy release happening during the lovemaking; it was electrical. The non-movement brought up all my ‘no’ to penetration, ‘no’ to man.”

“After six or seven days I felt so much energy building up inside. We had an exquisite meeting where I felt all the boundaries in my vagina melt away, which made my man’s erection very strong. We were very blissful, present for a long time. After that for three days everything went the other way, my Christian judgments coming in full force—bad sleep, feeling restless and prudish, all kind of things came up for me. Our sexual meetings have gone to a deeper level it seems. The mind freaks out, reacts; the vagina has become more and more tense to a point that the whole pelvic floor is in contraction. This morning it was impossible to make love. We talked through our genitals—abuse was strong on both sides—both from outside. I have three rapes in my history as well as my personal abuse of my genitals by fucking when I didn’t feel like it. It is still tight everywhere, but strangely enough, by sharing our tightness, lying very close together, I still feel very connected to my partner and loving and friendly.”

“I got the impression I never learned so much about real love as I did in this week. I was always looking for this feeling and hoping I would meet it one day. Yes, I came near to it but in a different way in certain moments in meditations in the awareness training I’ve done over the past ten years. But in my daily life with my husband I had many returning moments of sadness. Our relationship was really good and deep; we have been together
for twenty-three years and I always had the impression we loved each other, were there for each other, cared about the other, went through difficult times together, enjoyed life together, had good conventional sex, all was so good, and—there was a big and—I many times felt a big sadness deep in me. I had this ‘idea’ of love that I felt was covered over on a very deep level. In all these years I carried big doubts within myself. Doubts about whether I really loved my man compared to the love I had as an ‘idea.’ Then I doubted whether that love could exist on our Earth-level of existence. I carried all these questions in me. During the week I started to get closer to real love. I could not imagine that my love for my man could get so strong and fine at the same time. We spent such wonderful hours, we shared so many things, I was crying sometimes just because I was so happy to get closer to this deep love. I am so thankful for this big gift!”

Awareness and Sensitivity Exercise
Self-Massage of the Solar Plexus

If you find the solar plexus congested or uncomfortable at any time, it is very important to dissolve the tensions that have collected there; otherwise you may discharge them in other ways. Massage is helpful for increasing awareness of the area.

Lie on your back with your arms at your sides, in an aligned position as suggested in previous exercises, with about twenty to thirty minutes to yourself. Take a few deep breaths into the belly and solar plexus area. Then make your fingertips into a pointy tool by placing them back to back, with fingernails touching. Bring your hands to the solar plexus area and very lightly place this tool on the skin about half way between the arch of your rib cage and your navel. Rest here for a few moments using hardly any pressure—like a butterfly alighting on a flower—and soon you will begin to feel the heartbeat pulsing in the solar plexus. If you feel no pulse after several minutes, increase the pressure slightly. Keep your attention on your fingertips and feel the pulsing of the heart.

After a few minutes pull the fingers away from the heartbeat but don’t lose
contact with the skin. It is a fraction of a movement, just a hairbreadth. Take two or three nice deep breaths through the solar plexus into the belly, and then deepen your contact again to return your fingertips to the pulse of the heart-beat. Continue this process of feeling the pulse and then giving the pulse space by pulling away for as long as you are comfortable with the exercise. When you have finished, pull away from the solar plexus extremely slowly. Place one hand on top of the other over the solar plexus, keeping your eyes closed and resting for a few minutes.

Awareness and Sensitivity Exercise
Cathartic Exercise for Repressed Emotions

It is an excellent idea to create the space to intentionally contact unexpressed anger. Whenever you feel that you cannot get below the stomach, that you are not reaching into your belly, when you feel somehow superficial, you can walk and pant like a dog. You will need three things: a half hour of privacy; a room with the door closed; and, ideally, the liberty to make some sound without arousing the curiosity of your neighbors. This kind of anger is usually embedded deep in the body, which makes it difficult to work with directly. However, indirectly something can be done with anger so as to release accumulated frustrations.

Simply pretend that you are a dog by letting your tongue stick out and hang down. Walk around on the floor on all fours (hands and knees) and take fast panting breaths through your mouth. As you do this, the passage down the throat to the belly will open. Pant for thirty minutes and soon anger will flow easily and beautifully. Let your whole body become involved in it. You can even bark and growl at your reflection in the mirror.

If anger is a constant stumbling block for you, I suggest you do this panting exercise daily for a period of about three weeks. Once anger is released, you will have the feeling of body energies awakened very deeply and you will feel an inner freedom—you will no longer be in bondage to unexpressed feelings held in the body.