Tantric Orgasm for Women (2 page)

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The Intrinsic Potential for Orgasm

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ach and every woman arrives on this earth with the intrinsic capacity to experience the uplifting joy of orgasm. Mother Nature in her unswerving wisdom has graced the female body with a special design so that this experience can arise. Women have the potential to live sex fully, as a conscious, guiding force. However, even though nature may have sincerely intended this for us, in real life very few women can say that they have genuine command over their orgasmic experiences. Instead, for most women, orgasm remains quite elusive, happening now and then, depending more on good orchestration than on an intimate understanding of our inner design. Love becomes an experience filled with ups and downs: it doesn’t seem to last long enough; is as changeable as the wind; is one day here and gone the next. Women living without the ambience of love suffer tremendously, often experiencing states of acute depression and despair.

In part this unhappy situation can be attributed to a lack of insight into feminine energy and the female body. Women have no information on how
to intentionally create the orgasmic state or how to embrace the gift of orgasm. In this void of wisdom, woman does not understand herself as intimately or expertly as she could. As a consequence, this naiveté about her body operates unconsciously against her better interests—in life, in love, and in sex.

Recently, at the end of a couples workshop, a man participating with his wife summed up his experience to the group: “It is quite incredible. After spending the last thirty-five years trying to become a really good lover, I discovered during this week that everything I think turns a woman on in actual fact turns her off.” His observation was correct. I too have observed that the opposite of almost everything people think or say about sex has proved to be the truth. As a result of these misconceptions, women on the whole are not at all satisfied with the state of their sex lives, finding them unfulfilling for any number of reasons. Perhaps this may not be so at the beginning of a sexual relationship, but after a period of time many women report that dissatisfaction has become the norm. The body gradually closes down and a general disinterest and disappointment in sex begins to creep in. For some women this shift can occur within a few months, for others it happens over the course of a few years. The length of time involved is not relevant; what is most significant is the fact that this withdrawal from sex happens repeatedly for women.

Not knowing her body and the “how” of expanding into her feminine energy automatically places a restriction and limitation on a woman’s experience of sex, and therefore of love. And if this reality is true for woman, it is equally true for man. If woman is living and loving at a sexual minimum, her male partner also exists at this same level.

For women this sexual minimum is reflected in their tremendous difficulties at achieving orgasm. So often women share with me their fear that something is seriously wrong with them because they cannot manage to experience any kind of orgasm. Or they’re worried because they need an hour or more to feel a full
yes
to penetration. Or they report that sex has gradually lost its attraction, though the longing for tenderness and intimacy remains. With these negative thoughts passing through the mind, old and unexpressed feelings of unworthiness or inadequacy can ripple to
the surface; soon insecurity begins to erode the joy of a loving heart. For a woman, unhappiness and dissatisfaction with sex can easily become the acceptable, expectable norm. Women’s magazines routinely give tips on sex and female orgasm and advice about how to achieve orgasm more easily. Simply because these articles speak openly about sex (a rare occurrence in everyday conversation), they might gratify and relax a woman for a short while. But the guidance these magazines offer barely scratches the surface of the deeper sexual realm that exists for every human being. The advice found in magazines also reflects the widespread absence of concrete information on the female body. When last did we hear anything new or inspiring? When did we last hear about something that works? something that sounds right or feels right? something that resonates in the body, heart, and soul?

The truth is that your body is fully capable of experiencing deep, rich, satisfying orgasm. The key is to step inward and observe the physical sensations of your own body without judgment. How do you feel when you are having sex with your partner? How do you feel when you are having sex by yourself? Gather information about your body’s responses. What do
you enjoy? What irritates you? What leaves you feeling profoundly disappointed? Remember that, as long as you look at them honestly, feelings are always true. No feeling is ever “wrong.”

When your partner, consumed by excitement, begins to move ever harder and faster toward his own climax (the so-called jackhammer mode), do you feel invisible, left behind, engulfed by a wave of disappointment that once again he will be all finished before you even begin to get warmed up? Or perhaps your partner dutifully feels that he should satisfy you before he allows himself to be satisfied, so he works hard to bring you to orgasm by stimulating your clitoris. He’s doing the “right” thing, so you don’t want to be critical. But is he rubbing too hard? too fast? Do you need more lubrication? Do you feel pressured to get on with it, to hurry up and climax so that he can move on to the “real” part of sex—that is, penetration and ejaculation? Do you worry that he’s getting bored while he’s stimulating you? Do you find yourself getting bored? Do you leave your body altogether and make a grocery list in your head or remember that your second child needs to take a picnic lunch for his field trip tomorrow? Or do you need to leave
your physical body in another way and engage in a steamy sexual fantasy in order to come to climax? Do you actually feel disinterested but work hard at that fantasy, nevertheless, because your partner will be disappointed or feel diminished if he can’t bring you to orgasm? Do you sometimes fake orgasm just to get the whole thing over with?

You are not alone. Unfortunately, most women in our modern-day cultures have felt some or all of these ways. And all of these scenarios miss the essential truth that your body is fully capable of a deep, sustained, fully satisfying orgasmic state. Orgasm is not a destination that we arrive at by trying—by doing the right thing or thinking the right thoughts. Rather, orgasm is a state of being that arises naturally when we are more relaxed in sex. In relaxation woman opens to her inner world, bringing herself into the focus of her attention. Doing so reveals the exquisite interplay of active male and receptive female energy, which flowers into prolonged pleasure for both the man and the woman.

You may well ask, “If this is true why don’t more people know about it? Why has sexual dissatisfaction become the rule for women, rather than the exception?”

It can be said that we human beings unconsciously remain short-sighted about our true sexual selves. We are unaware of our higher potential and how to access it. As it stands, in our conventional sexual expression we are not truly physically sensitive or psychologically receptive or available enough to invite higher sexual experiences into us—or rather, to be graced by the divine, which would be a more accurate description. We are as host, and the divine is as guest, and enormous space has to be created for the divine to enter us.

These days it has become virtually impossible to shine new light on sex, to look at it and see it in a fresh, innocent, enlightened way. This is because there is an inherent limitation in our viewing situation—woman’s role in the sex act is always looked at through the same spectacles, through the prevailing misconceptions about sex, the very misunderstandings that lie at the root of the orgasm issue. If you were to always look at the world through rose-tinted lenses you would begin to believe that everything was pink. If no one ever suggested that you take your spectacles off and see
how the world looked without them, you might continue to believe in your rose-tinted perceptions. They would become the norm for you, just as our misconceptions about female sexuality have become the norm for us in today’s world.

Take, for instance, the sometimes-proffered suggestion that a woman use
sexual fantasy to provoke an orgasm. In actual fact, sexual fantasy has nothing
to do with what is happening in the woman’s physical body in the here and now,
with this particular man. It is an imagined scenario. It is a deliberate switch
over from channel “body” to channel “mind,” using the power granted by
imagination. This can in fact trigger the response of sexual excitement in the
body. But it has nothing to do with the physical penis that is present right now
in the physical vagina. The issue here is that basic to lack of orgasm is a lack
of connection to the body and to its internal sensitivity, its kinesthetic sense. So the advice of fantasy as a solution to orgasm—which only absents a woman further from her physical body—keeps woman circling around in the same sexual frame in which she already finds herself.

Our conventional, socially conditioned view of sex is linear and
one-dimensional, lacking in balance, intelligence, and spiritual insight. Unless
we are taught the full potential of sex while we are young, we inherit a sexual
conditioning just by being a part of our society, by being surrounded by
cultural misinformation that we absorb unconsciously. The rare person is able to
access the uplifting dimension of sex intuitively; most of us are conditioned and live life in innocence of any sexual alternatives.

In response to the unconscious female conditioning of our society, the
essential female qualities often become distorted: Softness can become weakness;
receptivity can become passivity or resignation; the nurturing quality can
become overbearing; the beauty of surrender can become submission; absorption
might turn into sucking; the ability to sustain long-term waiting can shift into
indolence; love can turn to jealousy and the use of female qualities for
manipulation; the joy of non-doing and relaxation can express itself as the dead
weight of inertia and laziness. Feminine fluidity might become a state of collapse; the free expression of individual feelings shifts toward sentimentality or moodiness; intuition and psychic
abilities can slide over the line into paranoia and hysteria; the ability to allow events to unfold without trying to control them can become inappropriate
indecisiveness or lack of initiative; sensitivity twists into victimhood or is
used in the service of fear; appreciation for beauty becomes attachment to outer
appearance; the nesting impulse can become a compulsive obsession with security;
silent strength can turn to masochistic dependency; the awareness of connection
to the universe beyond one’s personal boundaries can go too far, resulting in an individual who is vague and spaced out and lacking enough personal definition.

The currently accepted view of “normal” sexual experience keeps women in bondage to an expression of a male type of sexuality, with no room for expression of the equally important female pole of sexual experience. The current male-oriented approach features an outward, sensation-directed expression of sexuality that effectively erases intrinsic female qualities, and in so doing firmly plants the roots of sexual dissatisfaction and dysfunction in both sexes. It is exactly the feminine, receptive qualities
(undistorted by cultural misinformation) that are absolutely essential for the
orgasmic state to arise in woman and also in man. Woman is required to be
physically more poised and at ease so as to absorb the true male force,
transform it, and channel it upward through her receptive feminine powers.

At this point in time women unconsciously, and sometimes consciously, support men in their male-oriented expression of sexuality. Many women report a high incidence of pain during and after sexual intercourse, but they endure it silently in order to satisfy their partners. Many others assume that sex will be a rough, aggressive experience with no expression of love or tenderness. I remember a woman telling me during a workshop that she had no idea that sex could be considerate and gentle. We collude with the dominant form of sexual expression simply because lovemaking has been “done” in this way for as long as we can remember. By now it seems utterly normal and we are unaware that alternatives exist.

While it appears that the conventional model of lovemaking is more satisfying for men than for women, in truth men’s sexual fulfillment could also be much fuller and deeper, more sustained and more satisfying
than it is now. One reason for this is that male ejaculation is commonly understood to be the male version of orgasm. For many men ejaculation
is
the sexual experience. However, ejaculation is not the equivalent of orgasm. There is another type of male orgasm that happens without ejaculation and release of semen, an orgasm in which the energy is retained in the body, expanding upward instead of being released outward.

Women have enormous difficulties in reaching any kind of satisfying orgasm, while ironically (and yet somehow not surprisingly), men face the completely opposite problem—orgasm (or at any rate, ejaculation) is uncontrollable. It is impossible to delay or avoid. Usually it happens immediately upon penetration (or shortly before), or else within a paltry few minutes. The amount of time that passes between penetration and ejaculation
is way too short for the purpose of raising a woman’s sexual temperature to a sufficiently high degree that she will experience orgasm.