Afterwards,
we sneak out of the storage closet and across the hall to Cole’s locker so I
can grab my text books and my school bag before we go. I also decide to text
Lisa as we’re leaving school, letting her know I’m ok after what just happened
in the dining hall. I tell her I won’t be needing a lift home from school
because I decided to leave early with Cole and she responds back quickly,
relieved that I’m ok but concerned about me skipping classes.
Cole
walks me home and promises he will come back later on before bed. I agree and
we share one breath-taking kiss before I go indoors.
I
watch him leave, still struggling to believe how I’ve managed to capture the
attention of a man like Cole. He’s someone I could imagine admiring from afar,
dreaming about to the point of obsession but someone I would never think would
reciprocate my feelings.
The
highs and lows with him are constant and I know that my life will never go back
to how it was before. I also understand that Cole has his own demons, demons I
have yet to know about but despite it all… I’m falling for him.
I
can’t imagine a single day of my life without him and that’s what scares me so
much. In such a short space of time Cole has changed me. It’s only been around
six weeks since the school year started and six weeks since I met him but he’s
already altered so much. I still can’t believe I actually let him convince me
to do what we just did at school. A part of me is still in shock, completely
mortified with myself and consumed by the thought of someone finding out about what
we did. However, there is another part of me that feels exhilarated, exuberant
and invigorated about it, wondering how I’ve even managed to live my life
without experiencing anything like it before now.
Cole
is my addiction and I have no doubt that’s what I am; addicted to him. He’s the
beginning and end of my world, he infiltrates every single thought in my head
until I can’t identify where Cole ends and I begins. It’s like I’m not a whole
person without him and when we’re apart… my soul
knows
the other half of
it is missing.
Entering
my house is like waking up from an incredible, all-consuming, unobtainable
dream. It brings me right back down to earth when I would much sooner stay
outside and dance among the stars. I’ve been awakened. I’ve now seen the world
in technicolour, I’ve viewed its vibrant colours and don’t wish to go back to
how it used to be. Why would I ever want to return to my world which is so grey
and insignificant?
I
end up finding my mum sprawled out across the sofa once I enter the sitting
room. She’s got a bottle of wine in one hand and the TV remote in the other,
oblivious to my presence. I decide to head on into the kitchen so I can get
myself a drink before I go upstairs, deciding the best thing for me to do is
make myself scarce.
Of
course she has no intention of letting me sneak right past her as she grabs
hold of my wrist.
“I
don’t know who the hell you think you are.” She snarls contemptuously, digging
her long fingernails into my small wrist. “You just walked right past your own
mother without asking how her day has been.”
“How
was your day?” I reply instantaneously, deciding that the easiest solution
would be to pacify her when she’s behaving like this.
“Fucking
awful.” She snaps spitefully, relinquishing her hold on me. “How was yours?”
“Lunchtime
was terrible but my afternoon was better.” I answer simply, biting the inside
of my cheek so my mischievous smirk can’t be noticed by her.
Illicit
memories of me and Cole inside that small closet flash through my mind,
conjuring up all sorts of sexual images and flashbacks.
I’m
halfway across the living room when she speaks again, stopping me in my tracks
by her announcement.
“Your
father called again and wanted to speak to you. He said he’ll be coming into
town to see you soon.”
“What?
I thought he wasn’t supposed to be here for another two weeks.” I complain
angrily. “Why the change of plans?”
“Oh,
I don’t know. He mentioned something about some business trip he has to go on.”
She responds with little interest, her attention drawn back to the TV.
“So
when is he coming?”
“I
don’t know the exact date but he said it might be sometime this week.”
“He
was supposed to be coming into town for my birthday and I don’t turn eighteen
for another two weeks.” I remind her, wondering why my estranged father has
suddenly decided he wants to see me in the first place.
It’s
been years since he had any involvement in my life so why now?
“Look,
why don’t you pick up the phone and say all of this to him? I’m sick of you
moaning onto me about him when there’s nothing I can do about it!” She yells,
using her foot to shove me out of the way of the television.
“Forget
it.” I mumble, realising I won’t find out anything from her.
I
storm upstairs and slam my bedroom door behind me. I know it’s infantile and more
than a little childish but I don’t care less about that right now.
I
used to wonder what it must be like to actually have a mother who cares you,
who cares what have for breakfast, how school was and who your friends are. The
only person my mum has ever cared about is herself.
I
clasp my hands together as I sit down on the edge of my bed, contemplating
something I haven’t thought about for several weeks.
Scratching.
I
haven’t done it since the day before I started my senior year and I’ve been so
proud of myself for going all this time without resorting to something which
will only hurt me. Except now… the temptation is too strong.
I
reach for the pair of scissors I keep in my bedside drawer and stare at the silver
blades for a long time, cradling them in my lap as I try and decide what I
should do next. In the end my decision is far too easy.
I
decide to do it.
Exhaling
slowly, my hands tremble as I drag the cool blades across my pale skin. The red
marks which the scissors leave behind glare back at me, unrepentant and
defiant. It hurts but I keep on going, hoping it will relieve some of the pain
inside of me.
Of
course it doesn’t and that’s when I find myself exerting even more pressure on
my arm. I gasp when the blade actually draws blood, startling me into action as
I race towards the bathroom. Grabbing some tissue paper, I press it against my
cut, hoping it will be enough to stop the bleeding.
I
sit on the edge of the bath and hold the tissue in place, questioning why I’ve
suddenly taken it this far, especially when I’ve never done anything like it
before. I’ve never made myself bleed before now.
I
breathe a sigh of relief when I slowly peel away the soft tissue from my arm.
Thank goodness the bleeding has stopped and I can now pretend like this never
happened. No one can know about this. Ever.
Especially
not Cole.
Chapter Eight
I’m
fast asleep when Cole turns up outside my house later on that night. The sound
of my phone wakes me up with a message from Cole letting me know he’s outside. I
hurry down the stairs, making sure I don’t make any noise as I creep past my
mum’s bedroom.
I
heard her come up to bed a couple of hours ago and it’s a known fact that she
always sleeps for a long time after she’s spent the night drinking, meaning
Cole and I shouldn’t be disturbed.
“There’s
my girl.” Cole greets warmly, pulling me into his arms the moment I open the
back door for him.
“Shh.”
I whisper, placing my finger on my lips. “We have to be quiet, my mum is at home
tonight.”
“That
sucks.” He grumbles, closing the back door quietly. “She’s fast asleep though,
right?”
“I
think so. There’s no noise coming from her bedroom.”
I
turn around so I can lead the way back through the living room when he grabs
hold of me from behind, tugging me back until I’m pressed against his hard
chest. His strong arms encircle my waist as his lips make contact with my neck,
covering me with kisses.
“I
missed you.” He tells me softly, allowing his thumbs to draw circles against
the bare skin of my hips.
“Cole,
it’s only been a few hours since you walked me home.” I chuckle lightly,
turning around to face him.
“That’s
a long time.”
“You’re
crazy.” I joke, reaching up onto my tip toes so I can ruffle his hair. “Come
on, you best come upstairs.”
Cole
shoves one of his hands inside his pocket and leans against my bedroom door once
we’re safely ensconced inside my room. He lowers his head and strokes his thumb
against his bottom lip, resembling a man in deep contemplation.
“What’s
the matter?” I ask him, choosing to take a seat on the edge of my bed as I
watch him with caution.
“Serena,
I need to talk to you about what happened today. First, the dining hall
incident and then what we did afterwards.”
My
heartrate accelerates as my mind races with possibilities. Is this the part
where he plans on breaking up with me? Is this the part I should get really
scared?
“Ok…”
I reply, exhaling slowly.
“I
have to be honest with you because I regret all of it. I never wanted you to
witness me being violent again, even if that fucker in the cafeteria did
deserve it. In the end my actions only made things worse for you because Louise
used that opportunity to hurt you.” He pauses for a few moments, roughly raking
his fingers through his hair before he continues. “And then after all of that,
I took advantage of you. I can’t believe I actually made you do that fucked up
shit inside the store cupboard. It was unforgivable and I just need you to know
how sorry I am if I did anything that made you feel uncomfortable. I really am.”
I
stay silent, trying to process the words he just said to me, realising I really
don’t have the faintest idea when it comes to the complexities of this man or
his demons. There’s so much pain inside of him, pain which causes him to hate
himself and for that… I long to reach out and comfort him.
“Cole,
you’re not the only one who was responsible for what happened this afternoon. I
gave you my consent and I stand by my decision. I have to admit, I was a little
surprised by what we did but I don’t regret it. I just can’t.”
“You
really mean that?” He asks, sounding incredulous and disbelieving.
The
innocence I see in his big brown eyes takes my breath away and it slowly dawns
on me how vulnerable Cole really is. Observing him like this is extremely hard
for me because I’ve become so used to him being the one in control. His
physical presence is so strong, it’s hard to remember that there is still a
soul deep down inside of him which is remains broken. Our relationship has been
an absolute whirlwind so far and everything has happened so fast, I still
struggle to accept that there might be different sides of Cole I have yet to
understand. He once warned me that I should stay away from him, claiming to be
dangerous and too messed up for someone like me.
Of
course I ignored him and my instincts that night told me it was the right
decision. It’s one I will never go back on.
Ever.
“I
want to cherish every single moment with you, Cole.” I promise him sincerely,
walking across my bedroom towards him. “I don’t regret anything.”
He
takes my small hand in his and pulls me to the floor with him, settling me on
his lap as he remains leaning against the closed door behind him.
“You
know you’re the first, don’t you? The first one ever to make me feel like this,
the first one to get inside my head and the first woman that’s ever been able
to drive me crazy.”
“I
just can’t wait until we can be together properly.” I reveal, hoping he will
understand my meaning.
“I
know, baby. Me too.” He groans deeply, squeezing me even tighter.
“You
must be getting rather frustrated by now.” I mumble rather awkwardly, averting
my gaze towards the floor.
“Nah,
I’ll be ok.”
“But
you’re not… you’re not still sleeping with anyone, are you?”
“Serena,
look at me.” Cole demands, forcing me to look at him. “What the hell have I got
to say for you to start believing in me? I don’t want
anyone
but
you
and I’m not even remotely interested in someone who might try and pursue
anything with me when they know that I’m with you now.”
“Someone
like who? Has anyone tried anything with you since we’ve been together?”
“Green,
please don’t do this. Let’s just go to bed, ok? Come on.”
He
gently shifts me off his lap and stands up, offering his hand out for me to
take.
“Tell
me, Cole.” I persist, refusing to let this go.
“But
they mean nothing to me, Serena. None of them do.”
“So
there’s been more than one girl throwing herself at you on a daily basis?”
“Yes,
I mean… no. I-I wouldn’t put it quite like that.” He stammers, appearing
agitated.
“So
how would you put it?”
“They’re
just desperate and they know the only way to reach me now is through my phone.
I guess that’s why they do it.”
“Do
what, Cole? Do they send you their pictures?”
The
thought of it makes me feel nauseous and it churns my stomach. I experience
envy like I’ve never known as well as fury, remembering the amount of times all
of the girls at school made me suffer for doing the exact same thing last year.
“They
don’t… I mean… not all the time.”
“Are
you freaking serious?” I exclaim loudly, jumping up onto my feet.
“Green,
please don’t freak out on me. I’ve deleted all of them, I promise you.”
“But
you must have looked at them first to see what they were.”
“No,
well… yeah I did glance at them but only because I didn’t know what they were
or even who was sending them to me. I deleted every single girl out of my phone
the second you and I got together.”
I
sigh loudly, pushing him out the way as I walk over to my window. Gazing out at
the midnight sky, I start to count the stars. It’s something I used to do when
I was a little girl and was forced to spend yet another night in the house by
myself. My mum must have been working or out drinking and I remember thinking
that if I managed to count every single star in the sky, she would hurry home
and be with me.
It
didn’t happen.
“I
just don’t understand it. How can they do that when they know you’re with me?
And how
dare
the girls from school condemn me for making the exact same
mistake as them? I sent a photo of myself to someone and none of them allowed
me to forget it. The names they’ve called me and the things they’ve done to me
are unforgivable.”
Cole
grabs me by the shoulders, staring down at me with so much intensity and
passion.
“They’re
worthless human beings, Serena. They don’t even deserve to breathe the same air
as you, let alone judge you for anything you might have done in the past.”
“They’re
just hypocrites!” I blurt out angrily. “And I don’t understand how they can be
so hateful towards me. Why do they despise me so much? What did I ever do to
them to make them hate me?”
“It’s
because they’re jealous of you, don’t you see that? They dislike you because
you are so much more than they could ever hope to be. You have far more beauty,
grace, intelligence and class than any one of them and they’re threatened by
you. That’s why they tried to bring you down this past year and it’s why
they’re trying to come between us right now.
Please
don’t let them.”
I
slowly nod my head, realising that everything Cole just said to me is true. For
a whole year I chose to punish myself for one foolish mistake and they enjoyed
every single second of my misery and discomfort. I now see that I could also
choose bitterness. It would be so easy to give in and allow myself to be
consumed by my jealousy and my anger towards them but who would that help? I
don’t want to be like them and therefore I decide I won’t be.
Cole
ends up cradling me in his arms throughout the whole night, whispering words of
comfort when I wake so I can go right back to sleep with the knowledge that
he’s still there, he’s always been there and won’t leave me.
I’m
woken up the next morning rather harshly when the covers are ripped from my
body and a furious Cole demands I wake up. He’s shaking me roughly, tugging at
my arm in vexation.
“What
the fuck is this?” He shouts furiously. “Serena, who did this to you? Wake up
and tell me what this is!”
I
rub my tired eyes, sitting up in bed as he tightens his grip on my arm. My
sleeve is rolled right up, exposing my fair skin and the large cut on my arm
from the day before can be seen clearly. I hastily attempt to cover it,
struggling to free myself from Cole’s unyielding grasp so I can do so.
“It’s
nothing. I don’t even know what it is. Don’t worry about it, ok?”
“You
have a huge fucking cut on your arm and I can tell you’ve been bleeding. I want
to know who the hell did that to you and you better tell me right now. You
don’t have a choice.”
“No
one has done anything to me, I promise.” I assure him, gazing up at him in
earnest.
“Was
it her?” He fires back at me, pointing in the direction of my mum’s bedroom. “Was
it that bitch still sleeping through there? Did she do this to you? Does she
hurt you?”
“No!
Please listen to me, Cole. My mum has never hurt me, she wouldn’t.”
“So
tell me who did it! Your arm is covered in scratches and you have a deep cut.
You need to tell me what happened.”
I
remain silent, despising myself for being so stupid. How could I allow myself
to fall asleep next to him and not think about him seeing this? I only have
myself to blame even if I genuinely forgot about it last night once the cut on
my arm stopped bleeding. I simply tried to erase it from my mind, promising
myself I would never, ever do it to myself again.
“I
did it.” I finally confess, unable to meet his gaze.
“You?”
Cole states in disbelief.
“I
didn’t mean to cut myself, I really didn’t… it’s just something I do sometimes
to make myself feel better.”
“Are
you telling me you self-harm?”
“No!”
I protest firmly, jumping to my feet so I can put some distance between us.
Cole remains standing, glowering at me across the room.
“If
you’ve done this more than once then that’s exactly what you do! How can you
not see that?”
“But
I haven’t done it in weeks.”
“So
why did you do it last night?”
“I…I
had to.”
“
Why
?”
He demands roughly, striding across the room towards me.
“I
had a row with my mum and then she told me about my dad who wants to come and
see me soon. I couldn’t handle it anymore and just… did it.”
“Jesus,
Serena…” He sighs deeply, resting his hands against the window sill behind me.
My
small frame is now confined by his arms on either side of me, almost making me
feel trapped as he closes his eyes and lowers his head.
“I’m
sorry you had to find out this way.”
“I
had no fucking idea you would do something like this.” He admits, shaking his
head in dismay.
“Cole,
you’re blowing it out of proportion. I’m not like those people who do it all
the time and I’ve never taken it that far before.”
“What
do you use?” He asks abruptly, gazing at me coldly.
“Cole,
please.”
“Tell
me, Serena.”
“I
used a pair of scissors.”
“And
where are they now?”
“Why
do you need to know that?”