“Yes.
I promise you.” She assures me, taking hold of my hand.
I
nod my head in acceptance, scarcely able to believe what I’ve just given my
consent to. All I can do now is hope and pray that tonight goes well, that I
remain free from the shame and stigmatisation that has been placed upon me for
the past year.
Six
hours later and it’s almost time. Lisa said she would pick me up at nine and it’s
already 8.45. I’ve spent the last few hours trying to figure out what I’m going
to wear, searching through my stuff in a state of despair. It’s not like I have
anything decent and my pride simply won’t allow me to call Lisa to see if she
has anything I could borrow. I’m stuck.
I
should just phone her and cancel. I could always make up some excuse and hope
to God she believes me.
She
wouldn’t.
Lisa
knows me far too well and she would see right through my cowardice. She won’t
let me worm my way out of this so I might as well face the inevitable.
Deciding
to search through my wardrobe one final time, I finally come across a small
T-shirt I can’t even remember buying. I pair it with a faded denim skirt I’ve
already selected and quickly change into my chosen outfit, hoping it will look
ok. I don’t want to appear like I’m trying too hard and that’s why it was so
important for me to find the right combination of cute and comfortable.
Now
that I’m changed there’s nothing else to do but wait. I make my way downstairs
and switch on the TV, muting the sound so I can watch the silent images
onscreen. I’m so nervous, I can barely concentrate, struggling to focus on
anything but my erratic breathing.
The
only sound to be heard comes from the living room clock. The seconds tick by as
I wring my hands together, waiting for Lisa to pull up outside in her car.
She’s only just passed her test and is still a little nervous when it comes to
driving. That’s the reason she still walks home with me every night after we
finish college. She’s hesitant about turning up at school and embarrassing
herself by reversing into a teacher’s car or something.
I
chuckle to myself, imagining Lisa in a panic as she tries to pull out of the
school parking lot. She’s a bit like me in the sense that she gets stressed so
easily and worries about everything. We’ve been friends for ten years and even
though we look nothing alike, she sometimes feels like the sister I never had.
Being an only child can be lonely, especially when you feel like you live by
yourself most of the time.
I
came home from college to find a note from mum. She must have popped home at
lunchtime and left it for me then. It was straight to the point, advising me to
order some takeout food for me to eat because she wouldn’t be here to make
anything. I knew that meant she wouldn’t be home for the rest of the night and
felt angry with myself for being disappointed. Why do I continue to expect
something different from her? She’s been like this for as long as I can
remember and I have to realise that nothing will ever change. My mum prefers
men, alcohol and her job as a receptionist at the local hospital over me and
that’s how it’s always been.
The
sound of a car pulling up outside forces me to jump up from the sofa as I race
over towards the window. Sure enough it’s Lisa, waving at me behind the
steering wheel. I take a deep breath, grab my small bag which is waiting for me
by the door and lock up. I’m very careful walking down the front door steps
because of the heels that I’m wearing. They’re not too high but they’re
certainly taller than I’m used to. I did consider choosing my flats instead but
realised how tiny that would make me. I felt like I needed an extra bit of
height to feel more confident and capable of getting through this evening.
“Wow,
you look gorgeous!” Lisa compliments me as soon as I climb in the car next to
her.
“Thank
you.” I murmur softly, not used to someone praising me so warmly. “So do you.”
I
genuinely mean it. Lisa’s outfit is a stylish blend of chic and casual, opting
to wear a sparkly blue top with a pair of smart jeans. She’s the complete
opposite of me when it comes to her outer appearance. She has long blonde hair,
blue eyes and is a few inches taller than I am. She has curves that would make
any woman envious (including me) and she’s also got a much darker skin tone than
my own.
I
suddenly notice that she’s got on her knee high boots and I instantly regret my
own choice of clothing, wishing I had chosen something a little less revealing
instead.
“What’s
wrong?” My best friend inquires, immediately sensing that something is wrong.
“Maybe
I should go and change.” I whisper, staring down at my skirt. “There’s a pair
of jeans I could change into, I think I’m going to wear them instead.”
I
grab hold of the handle on the car door, desperate to get back inside and
change before I start freaking out completely.
“Serena,
wait.” She grabs hold of my arm, preventing me from getting out. “You have to
stop worrying about this because you look amazing. You’re going to ruin your
whole outfit if you wear a pair of jeans with that everyday T-shirt. The cute
denim skirt you’ve picked really works. Please don’t be nervous and please
don’t go and change.”
“Ok.”
I acquiesce, smiling gratefully.
She
grins back at me and stars the car, taking off around the corner before I have
a chance to fasten my seatbelt.
It
only takes us a few minutes before we arrive outside Stacey’s house. She’s
quite popular at school and has many friends but I’m still surprised to see the
amount of people who have actually turned up. There are cars everywhere as well
as a large group of people outside, expanding the anxiety which has already
built up inside of me during our journey over here.
I
try to remain calm, remind myself over and over that it’s just a house party. A
simple gathering which I can choose to leave at any moment. I have every right
to be here and I cannot let my past or the one mistake that I made to take away
any more of my happiness.
I
won’t let it.
“Ready?”
Lisa asks, turning around to face me with an optimistic expression on her face.
“Ready
as I’ll ever be.” I respond faintly.
“Let’s
do this.” She gives my hand a reassuring squeeze before stepping out of the car
with so much ease and confidence.
I
take another deep breath and prepare myself for the worst. People around here
don’t forget and I’m convinced that someone will intentionally say or do
something that will make me uncomfortable. However, I realise that Lisa is
right. I
do
need to rebuild my life and start to live again. For the
past year I’ve existed without happiness and I am determined that is one of the
things that is going to change.
I
follow Lisa up the garden path, making sure that my gaze is focused on the
ground in front of me. There’s a group of guys outside the front door, smoking
and drinking. They’re already intoxicated and the smell of alcohol makes me
uneasy. My hand instinctively reaches out for Lisa’s and I grab hold of it
firmly.
“Wow,
last year she provided us with some half decent wanking material and now she’s all
set for her first lesbian porno.” One malicious idiot from my year jokes,
slapping one of his friends on the back in a masculine display of camaraderie.
“Shit,
I didn’t bring my camera.” The second one replies. “Maybe she’ll let me take a
few pictures on my phone instead. What do you say, Serena?”
“Fuck
off, assholes.” Lisa retorts fiercely, positioning herself right in-between my
aggressors and myself.
“Guess
not.” The first one retaliates. “She must be on her period.”
“Wow,
that’s original.” She quips drily, rolling her eyes.
I
allow her to guide me through the front door to safety, far too embarrassed and
deflated to look back.
“I
can’t believe that just happened.” I whisper, unable to stop my body from
trembling.
“Shh,
it’s ok. It’s fine. You won’t have to see them again.” She assures me, tucking
a stray strand of my brown hair behind my ear.
“What
if they come in here?” I ask her, overwhelmed by the feeling of being helpless
and trapped.
My
eyes are already searching for the exit, certain that I will have to know where
my nearest escape route is.
“Nothing
is going to happen to you, Serena. We’ll leave if they come back inside, I
promise.”
I’m
just about to respond when we’re interrupted by Stacey, the hostess of
tonight’s party.
“Lisa,
you came!” She squeals excitedly, throwing her arms around my best friend as
she pulls her into a welcoming embrace.
“Yeah,
I decided it wouldn’t hurt to pop by and wish you a happy birthday.” Lisa says,
struggling to remove herself from Stacey’s hold. “I also brought my best
friend, Serena.”
She
turns Stacey around to face me and I smile at her, trying to ignore the terror
that’s swirling around inside of me from being exposed like this.
“I’ve
seen you before.” She giggles, swaying from side to side as she attempts to
keep her balance.
She’s
clearly a little worse for wear from all the alcohol she’s consumed and this in
itself makes me even more uneasy. I know that nothing good comes from drinking
and that’s the main reason I choose not to drink at all. I grew up with a
mother who depends upon alcohol. She needs it just to get through the day and I
never, ever want to end up like her. I refuse to tempt fate and that’s why I
abstain from it altogether.
“Well,
we are all in the same year at school.” Lisa explains slowly.
She’s
able to comprehend just how drunk Stacey is and if I’m being honest, I admire
her for not losing her patience altogether.
“I
know, I know.” Stacey slurs, throwing another arm around Lisa. “But what I mean
to say is that I’ve seen an awful lot more of Serena than I have of anyone
else… if you get what I mean.”
I
cringe and turn away, searching for the same exit I was looking for just a
moment ago.
“I
can’t do this.” I murmur, throwing a desperate glance at Lisa.
I
need to get the hell out of here and don’t waste another second, breaking off
from Stacey and my friend to find a way out. I stumble and collide with several
people, ignoring their vicious comments and snide remarks as I push and shove
my way through the crowds. The music is blaring but I can still hear Lisa
calling out my name.
I
blunder on, frantic and distraught, convinced that everything will be alright
as soon as I manage to get outside. Once I breathe in some fresh air and feel
my lungs expand, everything will be ok. I make my way into the kitchen and pray
that the back door in front of me will be unlocked, physically incapable of
going back the way I came.
It’s
open. Thank God.
I
slam the back door shut behind me and make me way into the back garden. There’s
no one out here for some reason and I take a moment to appreciate the
magnificence that comes with being alone. I crave oxygen and breathe in deeply,
raking my fingers through my hair as I battle the rage which is threatening to
consume me.
Knowing
that Lisa will be out here any second, I decide to make my way around the side
of the house. I’m hoping it will buy me a few more minutes by myself before I’m
forced to go back indoors to find my friend. I can see now how stupid I was to
just head out here without knowing which way I had to go to actually leave the
premises.
A
noise to my left startles me, pulling me out of my deep contemplation. It’s
getting dark so I can’t really make out who it is but I know I heard something.
The noise came from behind, just by the side of the house where I’m standing
and the fact that whoever made it is so close to me is more than a little
creepy.
I
take a step back, trailing my fingertips across the brick wall to my left as I
attempt to find my way back into Stacey’s garden.
“Don’t
stop” I hear a girl moan, presumably in pleasure. “Please.” She begs, breathing
heavily.
I
have no desire to see whoever it is and panic, stumbling over my own feet in my
desperate struggle to get out of the way. I fall to the ground and scrape my
knees, having to bite down on my bottom lip to stop myself from crying out in
pain. I pull myself back up until I’m in a standing position and fumble for the
wall which I hope will guide me. The sound from the party draws near, meaning I
must be close to entering the back garden.
I’m
almost there, just a couple more feet and I’ll be standing outside the kitchen
window, soon to be free from this appalling nightmare.
That
is until I hear
his
voice.
“Green?”
Hearing
that word, hearing the nickname that
he
chose to give me three weeks ago
causes my entire body to freeze. Slowly turning around, I come face to face
with those eyes. The same eyes which have continued to haunt me for three
weeks. The same dark brown eyes which glimmer in the moonlight, fixated on my
frightened expression as his penetrating gaze remains steady and unfaltering.