“But
you saw me. You actually saw me watching you and you just carried on. Why would
you do that? Why would you want me to see that?”
“Because
I’m fucked up, alright?! I always have been and I always will be. Believe me,
I’ve seen enough therapists and doctors to prove it.”
“Don’t
say that.” I beg him, closing the distance between us.
I
place a tentative hand on his shoulder, willing him to turn around and face me.
“You
don’t know the first thing about me or what I’m capable of.” He whispers
menacingly, clenching his fists. “My anger… sometimes I can’t control it, no
matter how hard I try. I just see red and lash out before I can do anything to
stop it. Like today with that son of a bitch who was trying to hurt you.”
“Have
you tried to get any help with this? Anger management classes or something?”
“They’re
useless.” He scoffs, striding across the room until he reaches the kitchen
window. “None of it works… at least none of it works for
me
.”
The
window he’s now standing at is the same one I saw him out of the night I got
back from Stacey’s party. The night I first noticed his tall silhouette outside
my house.
“Remember
the night you were stood out there?” I ask, joining him at the window. “You
really frightened me when I first saw you that night.”
“I’m
sorry. I shouldn’t have followed you home after the party but I just wanted to
make sure that you were ok. I know it must have scared you but I didn’t really
care about any of that at the time and that’s what makes me so fucked up. I got
off on the fact that you had seen me with another girl, Serena. A girl I don’t
give a shit about and then I wanted you to know that I was capable of finding
you, that I had the power of tracking you down. I suppose I didn’t want you to
think that you have the same amount of freedom as I do. I wanted you to know that
I’ll always be here, keeping a close eye on you… watching. No man can ever
touch you besides me, you do know that, don’t you?”
“Cole…”
“I
mean it, Serena. You’re mine. You’ve been mine since the first moment I laid
eyes on you and I’m done fighting it. I’m done with fucking other girls in an
attempt to get over you and get you out of my head. None of it works and I can
finally see that now.”
“Y-you’ve
been sleeping with other girls?”
My
voice is barely audible and a part of me hopes that he didn’t even hear me.
Mainly because I don’t know if I will be able to deal with hearing the answer
to my question.
“Yeah.
Too many.” He replies casually, raking his fingers through his hair.
“Why
would you even tell me that?”
“I
guess I’m just curious.” He says softly, turning his head to look at me. “I’ve
been wanting to see how you would react when I told you. I’ve been trying so hard
to free myself from the hold you already have over me. I swear to God I’ve tried!
I even called out your name last night when I was with someone else.”
“What?
You actually said my name? I can’t believe you’re telling me all of this, Cole.
I really don’t want to hear anymore and I think you should leave.”
I
move towards the kitchen door, hoping he will take the hint and follow me.
He
doesn’t.
He
ignores my request and continues, oblivious to the fact that his explicit
revelation has the power to crush me.
“Let’s
just say that she didn’t take too kindly to me crying out another girl’s name.
She was furious and disgusted with me for thinking of someone else when I was
supposed to be right there with her.”
I
still can’t erase the image I now have of him with someone else. I keep on
picturing a row of nameless, faceless women with exquisite bodies just waiting
for Cole to throw a glance in their direction. I can’t help comparing myself
and my own average appearance to the gorgeous girl I caught Cole with at
Stacey’s party. I know I could never live up to his high expectations, not if
that’s the type of girl he normally goes for.
“Cole,
this is beyond crazy.” I confess, struggling to digest everything that has
happened to me in the short space of twenty-four hours.
My
body is weary and my head is spinning, all I want to do is fall into bed, close
my eyes and forget about everything. I want this entire day to have been one
hideous nightmare, something I can wake up from like a bad dream that never
really happened.
“I
know it’s crazy!” He yells, startling me by the harshness in his voice. “It’s
insane and messed up. That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you!”
“What
is it you want from me?”
“
You
.
I just want you.” He says decidedly, grabbing hold of my shoulders in a
vice-like grip.
“You
mean… you want us to be together?” I whisper, sounding incredulous.
The
idea of us being in an actual relationship is utterly inconceivable to me. How
could someone like him be interested in someone as ordinary as myself? It’s
impossible and I’m almost waiting for him to burst out laughing at my expense.
Perhaps all of this is one big joke to him? He could be in on it with some of
the guys from college, all of this could be a malicious and vindicate prank.
Something they will broadcast online and find hysterical for years to come.
“Of
course I do.” He declares boldly. “Don’t you know that by now? I can’t sleep, I
can’t even fucking eat because I can’t get the damn thought of you out of my
head. It’s driving me insane.”
He
refuses to let go, glaring down at me with a blend of passion and… animosity in
his eyes.
“I-I
don’t know what to say.”
“Look,
I know all of this must have come as a bit of a shock but I just wanted to be
honest with you, Serena. I needed to explain why I lost control with that piece
of scum who followed you home this afternoon and I didn’t want you to go back
to school tomorrow and believe any of the bullshit that people will no doubt be
saying about me.”
“You
really think I would listen to anything those idiots have to say? The rumours
they’ve spread about me this past year have ruined me. I’ve had to take every
single ounce of their cruelty and malicious gossip without saying a word. Don’t
fool yourself that I will ever believe anything they tell me.”
“What
are you talking about? What malicious rumours?” He challenges me, tilting my
face up towards his.
“Oh…
I-I thought you knew.”
“Knew
what?”
“The
reason behind Jonathan being such a creep to me and thinking he had the right
to touch me.”
“Serena,
tell me.”
“I
can’t. It’s too humiliating.” I wail, pulling myself free from his grasp.
“Tell
me.” He persists, determined to get the truth out of me.
“Fine.”
I eventually concede, certain that Cole won’t stop until I confess everything
to him. “Last year I made a mistake, the biggest mistake of my life so far.
There was this guy who went to our college, he left last year but before he
did... we started talking. Our conversations mainly took place over the phone,
text messages and phone calls. He was constantly telling me how beautiful and
sexy he thought I was and I was dumb enough to believe him. One night he
somehow managed to convince me that I should send him something. A photo… of
myself.”
“Please
tell me you didn’t...”
He
holds his breath, begging me with his desperate eyes to deny it and tell him it
isn’t true.
“I
did.” I murmur softly, fighting to gain control over my feelings of despair and
regret.
“Fuck,
Serena! How could you be so stupid?! What on earth possessed you to do
something like that? How could you think that he would keep it to himself? How
did you actually fall for any of that crap he was telling you? I can’t believe
someone as smart and intelligent as yourself could be so naive!”
“It
was a mistake, alright?! One which I have more than paid for since it
happened.” I sob, tugging on the ends of my hair in anguish. “You don’t know
what it was like! I had to go into school every single day with the knowledge
that everyone who went there had seen my picture. The guys still treat me like
a piece of meat and the girls despise me. You don’t understand how miserable
I’ve been or how close I came to giving in to it all. The only one who stuck by
me was Lisa and for that I will always be her best friend.”
“Shh,
baby. It’s ok. It’s all going to be ok, come here.” He grabs hold of me once more,
crushing my fragile body against his solid chest. “No one will hurt you now. I swear
to you I will never let that happen. I’ll protect you, Serena. You’re mine now
and I’m going to make damn sure everyone at that school knows it. They won’t
say anything to you, baby. Not now…”
“Cole,
you can’t make those kind of promises. You can’t be with me every second of
every day.”
“You’re
right.” He sighs heavily. “I can’t be with you all the time but the threat of
what I will do to anyone who is anything but kind and respectful towards you
will be enough to keep them quiet.” He assures me, reluctant to relinquish his
hold on me as I start to pull away from him.
“Really?”
I ask, staring up at him with tear-filled eyes.
“I
promise. It’s you and me now, ok? I won’t turn my back on you and I won’t let
you deal with any of this by yourself.”
“But
what about you? Even if you managed to convince Jonathan to drop the charges
against you, you’re still going to be in major trouble at college.”
“I
don’t give a shit about any of that. All I care about is being honest with you.
Before I came here tonight I knew I had to explain myself to you. I didn’t want
you to hear anything bad about me tomorrow when everyone will be talking about
what happened.”
“What
if they kick you out of school?” I ask suddenly, prising myself from him and
his relentless grasp.
“I’m
powerless to stop them if they decide to do that.”
“But…
but they can’t! They can’t chuck you out of school for defending me! Not when
Jonathan says he won’t press charges against you, right? They can’t do it, I
won’t let them!” I cry helplessly, mirroring Cole’s frustration from earlier by
pacing back and forth in agitation.
“Serena,
it’s ok. Stop. Look at me and calm down.”
He
tugs on my wrist, pulling me backwards against him. His chest is pressing
against my back, allowing me to feel the violent hammering of his heart through
his clothing.
“No
matter what happens… this is it. You and me, ok? Whether I get kicked out of
school or not, I don’t regret what I did. I would do it all again without a
second thought because I would sacrifice anything in this world to protect you.
You do believe me, don’t you?”
He
forces me to look up at him, penetrating my soul with his scorching gaze. It’s
as though he can see right through me, he can access the inside of my soul with
just one look and this is nothing short of unsettling for me. No one has ever
understood me, not my mum and certainly not my dad who I barely even see these
days. That’s the reason I now refer to my father as ‘Him’ in my phone. I
decided that I will no longer call him my dad until he starts behaving like one
again.
“Serena?
You do believe me, don’t you?”
Cole’s
question pulls me out of my deep contemplation. I’m almost surprised to find
that we’re still standing in my living room, I was so lost in my own thoughts.
“Yes.
Yes, I do believe you. All of this is crazy, Cole. Its absolute madness but I really
don’t care. Ever since we first spoke… I felt this indescribable pull towards
you. I’ve tried to ignore it and I’ve tried to escape it but now… I’m done
fighting it.”
“Thank
God.” He exhales loudly, surrendering himself to the unyielding turmoil of his
emotions.
It’s
clear for me to see how exhausted he is. God knows how many hours he spent in a
police cell before he got here and we both have school tomorrow. I realise with
a heavy heart that it is time for us to say goodnight and start to wonder if I
even have the strength to say goodbye to him.
“You
must be so tired. You really need to go home and get some rest.” I advise him.
He
interlaces our fingers and squeezes tightly, managing to encircle my entire
hand in his own.
“I
don’t want to leave you… it’s not right you spending the entire night in the
house by yourself.”
“I’m
used to it. It’s ok, I promise.” I lie, plastering an encouraging smile onto my
face.
“What
if I stay the night? I can always sleep on the sofa down here or in a spare
room upstairs. I’m not trying to suggest that we…” He fails to complete his
sentence,
“You
would really do that?”
“Of
course.”
“But
what about your mum? Wont she be wondering where you are?”
“I
highly doubt it. She doesn’t give a shit where I am so long as I’m not bringing
trouble to her door.” He replies bitterly.