The Art of Manliness: Classic Skills and Manners for the Modern Man (11 page)

Don’t
expect a response to your text message right away. And if you don’t get one, don’t text follow-up messages, asking the person if they received your first one.

Don’t
check your text messages while at dinner, checking out at a store or conversing with another person.
The crack-berry habit is tough to break, but people deserve your undivided attention.

The Internet

The beauty of the Internet is that it allows for free-flowing communication in an unprecedented way. But in the euphoria of this new freedom, we have forgotten the importance of common courtesy. Greater accessibility to others does not negate the need for respect. Even when interacting as anonymous, disembodied versions of ourselves, the rules of civility still apply.

Blogs and Forums

Never say something to a stranger on the Internet that you would not say to a stranger in person.
The Internet provides a cloak of anonymity behind which people feel free to say whatever they want. Yet the words which we both write and speak are our creations. We must take ownership of them. Never write something you would not be proud to have attached with your real name. Before you hit send, stop and ask yourself: “Would I use these words if this person was standing right in front of me?” If not, reword your communication.

Don’t attack people personally.
Blogs and websites provide forums for the respectful exchange of ideas. You should thus never personally attack the people behind those ideas. Blog users will sometimes make a valid comment, only to end with “You’re an idiot!” And some will dispense with the valid argument part altogether. Using personal attacks adds nothing to the conversation and only shows that you do not have anything insightful or intelligent to offer.

Don’t just tear things down.
Many an Internet user’s energy is devoted to poking holes in every idea that crosses their path. But cynicism is easy. Chronic debunkers don’t do any of the hard work it takes to create something, and then they barely lift a finger to tear things down. There’s nothing wrong with criticism, but be constructive with your comments. If you have nothing substantive to add to the conversation, then it’s best to
cheese it
.

Don’t use excessive vulgarity.
Nothing shows a juvenile mentality and a lack of class like excessive vulgarity. While salty language has been on the rise in normal conversation as well, the proliferation of profanity on the Internet is excessive. Because of the information glut on the Internet, men feel they must pepper their comments with over-the-top language to keep them from being lost in the shuffle. But if such additions are needed to get attention, you clearly did not have anything meaningful to say in the first place.

E-mail

The modern gentleman knows how to deftly use e-mail. He recognizes that it is a tool to be used and is not a slave to checking it constantly. Gentlemen show their e-mail recipients the same respect they would give them if they were meeting face to face.

Be concise and to the point.
Don’t make e-mails longer than they should be. People use e-mail to save time, so writing your magnus opus in an e-mail message will probably irritate people. As a general guideline, try to keep e-mails shorter than five sentences.

Use proper spelling and grammar.
Every piece of communication you send out to the world is a reflection of you. An e-mail filled with spelling and grammatical mistakes will leave a bad impression. It tells the reader that they’re not important enough for you to run a simple spell check. Show your readers respect by proofreading your e-mails before you hit send.

Respond within twenty-four hours.
If there’s a question that you don’t know the answer to and will take some time to research, go ahead and send a response saying you’ll get back to them soon with the answer.

Answer all questions and preempt future questions.
Failing to answer all the questions in an e-mail forces your contact to e-mail you again. Don’t waste people’s time by making them write another e-mail. Also, if appropriate, try to preempt other possible questions in your e-mail. It will save your correspondent time, and they’ll appreciate your thoughtfulness.

Make it personal.
Show your contact that you have them in mind when writing your e-mail. Address them by name and add information which will give your e-mail a personal touch.

Do not write in all capitals.
Writing an e-mail IN ALL CAPS indicates shouting. This can irritate people, and you’ll get a response you probably weren’t looking for. Gentlemen don’t shout in normal conversation, so don’t do it in your e-mail either.

Don’t overuse Reply to All.
Use this function only if your message needs to be seen by each person who received the original message. If you use this function all the time, you will irritate people by filling up their e-mail box with needless responses.

Don’t use abbreviations or emoticons.
LOL! WTF! THX 4 UR HLP! You’re not fifteen anymore so stop writing your e-mails like you are. A gentleman uses proper language when speaking and writing.

Don’t forward chain letters or stupid jokes.
Nothing says “I
have a brain that functions at six guinea-pig power
” like forwarding chain letters. Gentlemen recognize that e-mail chain letters are dumb, childish and a huge waste of time for the recipient.

Use discretion with what you put in an e-mail.
Don’t put anything that would embarrass you if it went public. In just one click, your reputation as a gentleman can be ruined.

Facebook

Gentlemen only use Facebook. MySpace is for cads and scallywags.

Don’t poke.
Would a gentleman poke someone in real life? Of course not! So don’t do it online. Poking is not an acceptable form of flirtation; neither are the other actions that some Facebook applications allow you to do. If you want to show someone you’re interested in them, man up and send a private message to them. Better yet, call them.

Use discretion when wall posting.
Do not use Facebook’s wall to have entire conversations. You’ll look like a boob if you do. Use wall posts for well wishes and hellos. Also, do not post anything too personal on a person’s wall. Remember, walls are public spaces, so treat them as such.

Finally, use appropriate language when writing on someone else’s wall.
Avoid off-color comments and gossip. And check for spelling mistakes. Just think, “What kind of impression do I want to give others?”

Keep photos of yourself to a minimum.
Especially photos taken of yourself by yourself, by holding the camera away from your face. A gentleman is modest and discreet. Hundreds of photos of yourself reveal your vanity.

Remove compromising photos of yourself.
If you’re a true gentleman, you shouldn’t have to worry about any incriminating photos of you winding up on Facebook. However, if a photo of you in a compromising pose does slip by, ask the poster to take it down. At least remove the tag of you in the photo.

Do not break up with a woman through Facebook.
Only a
being who belongs to the cult of non-virility
would use Facebook’s relationship status feature to break up with their girlfriend. If you are not man enough to look a woman in the eyes and tell her it’s over, you weren’t man enough to be in a relationship to begin with.

Take it easy on the applications.
Don’t overload your profile with unnecessary applications such as Superpoke, Food Fight, etc. Also, be careful with the kind of applications you install on your profile. A gentleman avoids applications that demonstrate a lack of judgment ormaturity. That means no “Sex Position” or “Beer Wars” applications.

Join Facebook groups with discretion.
The groups you choose to join, even as a joke, say a lot about you. Use discretion. Additionally, keep the number of groups you join to a minimum.

Don’t “friend” someone you don’t know or hardly know.
Facebook has degraded the meaning of
friend
. A gentleman respects semantics and only includes people in his Facebook network that are truly his friends. Don’t be afraid to say no to random people who try to befriend you.

Your favorites should be just that.
Listing your favorites means listing the things you like the best not every single thing you’ve ever listened to, seen or read. Having a huge list of favorites shows you don’t have enough taste to pick what things you like the best. Being ultra-inclusive doesn’t make you seem cultured … it makes you seem insecure.

Respond to people’s Facebook wall posts and messages.
Respond within twenty-four hours. If you feeloverwhelmed with Facebook messages, let others know you prefer to be contacted by e-mail.

Chapter Two. The Friend

“My father always used to say that when you die, if you’ve got five real friends, you’ve had a great life.”

—Lee Iacocca

Friendships are an important part of a man’s life. Friends are those men you can count on when the chips are down. They’ll back you up even when the whole world is against you. Friends are those men who’ll buy you a beer when you lose a job or your lady dumps you. Sadly the mighty bonds of man friendship have been greatly eroded during our modern age.

The History of Man Friendships

Men who know no differently accept the current state of man friendships as inevitable. But a brief look at the history of male friendship shows otherwise and points the way toward recapturing the glory of brotherly bonds.

The Heroic Friendship

In ancient times, men viewed male friendship as the most fulfilling relationship a person could have. Friendships were seen as nobler than marital love with a woman because women were seen as inferior. Aristotle and other philosophers extolled the virtues of platonic relationships—a relationship of emotional connection without sexual intimacy. Platonic relationships, according to Aristotle, were the ideal.

During this period of time, the idea of the heroic friendship developed. The heroic friendship was a friendship between two men that was intense on an emotional and intellectual level. Heroic friends felt bound to protect one another from danger. Examples of heroic friendships exist in many ancient texts from the Bible (David and Jonathan) to ancient Greek writings (Achilles and Patroclus).

Male Friendships in Colonial and Nineteenth-Century America

Male friendships during the colonial period and nineteenth century were marked by an intense bond and filled with sympathy and sentimentality. Friendships between men, in many instances, had a similar intensity as romantic relationships between men and women. Essentially it was a continuation of the heroic friendship of the ancient world, coupled with the emphasis on emotion common to the Romantic Age. A fervent bond did not necessarily imply a sexual relationship; the idea that these ardent friendships in some way compromised their heterosexuality is largely a modern conception.

Men during this time freely used endearing language with each other in daily interaction and letters. And they weren’t afraid to get all touchy-feely with one another either; many men would give no thought to draping their arms around their bud, sitting on one another’s lap or even holding hands. It was also quite common for men to share a bed to save money. Men were free to have affectionate friendships with each other without fear of being called a queer because the modern concept of homosexuality and the strict straight/gay dichotomy did not yet exist. It wasn’t until the turn of the twentieth century that psychologists started analyzing homosexuality. When that happened, men in America started to become much more self-conscious about their relationships with their friends and traded the close embraces for a stiff pat on the back. The man hug was born.

Male Friendships in Twentieth-Century America

“The better part of one’s life consists of his friendships.”

—Abraham Lincoln

The man friendship underwent serious transformations during the twentieth century. Men went from lavishing endearing words on each other and holding hands to avoiding too much emotional bonding or any sort of physical affections whatsoever. Fear of being called gay drove much of the transformation. Ministers and politicians decried homosexuality as being incompatible with true manhood.

Figure 2.1 During the twentieth century, the man friendship went from lavishing endearing words on each other and holding hands to avoiding any sort of physical affections whatsoever.

Additionally, the Industrial Revolution and the country’s shift from an agrarian to a market economy affected the dynamics of all social relations. The resulting capitalistic culture, which gravitated to the new ideas of Social Darwinism and believed only the fittest would survive, influenced the way men viewed each other. Instead of being a potential friend, the man next to you became competition. In a dog-eat-dog world, it’s hard to get ahead when the guys you need to snack on are also your bosom buddies.

Increased mobility during the twentieth century also contributed to the decline in male friendships. With more men following their work, it was hard to set down roots and make true friends. Man friendships did not die out of course, but the basis of the relationship shifted from a bond based on deep emotional connections to one centered on common pursuits. As leisure time increased and men moved to the suburbs, they formed their friendships on the golf course, at the neighborhood block party and in the corporate workplace.

The Future of Man Friendships

It’s a shame that our society’s ingrained homophobia prevents men from connecting with each other on a more emotional and physical level. American men are missing out on the benefits of close friendships. Studies reveal that men who have several close friends are generally happier and live longer than men who don’t. And yet research shows that the number of friends and confidantes a man has has been steadily dropping for decades, leading to greater isolation and loneliness.

It’s high time modern men took their place in the glorious history of man friendships. We hope this chapter will help you do just that.

Band of Brothers: Making and Keeping Strong Friendships

When a young man is in high school or college, making friends comes easily and naturally. Yet when his school years conclude, and especially when he gets married and moves, a man begins to find it quite hard to make new friends and maintain the bond with his old pals. At this point in life, cultivating his friendships takes a little more effort and work, but it is infinitely worth it.

Recruiting Your Band of Brothers

Fraternize at work.
You spend more time with people at work than you do at home. And there are probably some dudes at work that you get along with swimmingly. Instead of keeping them in the
work
friend category, convert them into
friend
friends. Go for some drinks after work. Invite them over to your house to watch the game on Saturday. If you’re married, go out for dinner with him and his spouse.

Meet your neighbors.
It’s not only serial killers who can accurately be described as “quiet men who kept to themselves.” You can sadly live in a neighborhood for ten years and not know the people who live next door to you. But they might turn out to be your future best bud. So don’t be a Dahmer. A great way to meet your neighbors is by hosting a party or attending neighborhood events like block parties. If you’re feeling particularly brave, just go up and introduce yourself.

Join an organization.
Part of the difficulty today’s men face with making new friends is the isolated nature of their social lives. There’s work and home, and not much else. Joining an organization is quite possibly the best way to create a social circle for yourself.

Manly Advice: Potential Organizations to Join

Fraternal Organizations. They’re not just for your grandpa. Fraternal organizations are the perfect conduit for friendship making because they provide all the ingredients needed for brotherly bonding: common ideals, a sense of tradition and responsibility, and a focus on service. While there are several great fraternal organizations out there, it’s hard to refute that the Masons are the best.

Churches/Religious Organizations. Like fraternal orders, churches are a fruitful place to make man friendships as they are a place where you can find gents with similar values and goals. Many churches have groups that are for men only and are designed for both fellowship and spiritual growth.

Sports Leagues. If you love sports, instead of spending your weekend alone watching them on TV, join an intramural league and get back on the field. From flag football to ultimate frisbee, your town is sure to have clubs that meet for some good old-fashioned man competition. Joining up will whip you into shape, feed your man spirit and give you the kind of bond with other men that can only be found on the playing field.

Toastmasters. Toastmasters solves two fundamental problems in the life of modern man: a lack of friends and a deficiency in the art of public speaking. Not only will you learn to be a better orator, you’ll also meet lots of other men to befriend.

Book Clubs. For some reason (read: Oprah), book clubs have become associated with women, baring one’s soul and Kleenex. But there’s nothing sissy about books; discussing great literature was a pastime of many of the great men in history. Libraries sometimes offer male-only book clubs that read books men like. If your library doesn’t, why not start one at your house?

Keeping Your Friendships Alive

“Good fellowship and friendship are lasting, rational and manly pleasures.”

—William Wycherley

Set a common goal. Men experience the greatest bond when they are working together toward a common purpose, i.e., when they become a band of brothers. The same is true whether you’re storming Omaha Beach or simply living in the burbs. So set a goal to attain with your friend or a group of friends. Decide to run a marathon, quit smoking or lose weight. Don’t forget to set up a system to ensure accountability.

Create a competition. Competition in life can drive people apart; a friendly competition among men can bring them together. Create a competition with your friends and set a friendly wager; something a bit embarrassing for the loser is always fun and will keep the group motivated.

Figure 2.2 A friendly competition among men can bring them together.

Take a mancation. Mancations are occasions for pure, uninterrupted male bonding. They can be as short as a weekend or as long as a week. The destination can be anywhere, but it should involve manly activities. The key to the mancation is to make it an immutable tradition. Set a time and make it an annual happening. You can plan the other things in your life around that nonnegotiable date.