The Art of Manliness: Classic Skills and Manners for the Modern Man (8 page)

Always arrive on time.
If you’re twenty minutes late, you will significantly add to the cook’s stress by having them worry not only about the taste but whether the food is getting cold. If the food is not ready by the time you arrive, you simply have more time to mingle.

If the party is a large “come and go as you please” type of shindig, being “fashionably late” is acceptable.

Bring the phone number with you on the way over.
If you get lost or have an emergency, you will need to call the host to keep them abreast. Don’t keep the party waiting without any word from you.

Bring a gift for the host.
A bottle of wine or a bouquet of flowers are excellent choices. This is particularly appropriate for dinner parties.

Come prepared for conversation.
Don’t be a party dud. On the way over, think of a few things you can talk about—movies you’ve seen, funny stories from work, and interesting news about yourself and your mutual friends. Think about the host and the other guests; what are they interested in and what kinds of questions can you ask them? Remember, you should almost always avoid controversial subjects such as politics and religion.

Eat and drink responsibly.
Don’t come to the party
savage as a meat axe,
ready to devour anything and everything in sight. At a party in which hors d’oeuvres are being passed around, don’t put a ton on your plate. You’ll look like a hog. And no double dipping! Finally, don’t become inebriated.

Compliment the host.
Tell the host what great food or what a great party it is at the midpoint of the night and then again when you are saying your good-byes.

Don’t overstay your welcome.
The appropriate time to leave is something you just have to feel in your bones. Things will be winding down, and conversation will hit a lag. At this point say, “Well, we’ve had a wonderful time tonight. I think we should get going. Thank you very much for having us.”

Write a thank-you note.
Within a few days of the party, always send a note of thanks to the host or hostess.

Table Manners for Gentlemen

While the rules of etiquette have largely disappeared from the public sphere, there is still an arena where your gentlemanly conduct will be put to the test: the dinner table. In the act of breaking bread, a man is revealed as a refined gentleman or an uncouth cad. Following these rules will mark you as someone anyone would be proud to have as a dinner guest.

1. Unless you are expecting a call that your wife’s water has broken, be sure your cell phone is turned off before sitting down to a meal.

2. If you are accompanying a lady to dinner, pull out her chair for her and allow her to be seated first.

Figure 1.17 If you are accompanying a lady to dinner, pull out her chair for her and allow her to be seated first.

3. When you sit down, immediately place your napkin upon your lap.

4. If you see multiple eating utensils set before you, do not panic. The rule to remember is to work your way from the outside to the inside. Here’s the nitty-gritty from there:

• Smallest fork: for eating seafood

• Next smallest fork: for eating salad

• Biggest fork: save for dinner

• Small spoon: for coffee

• Big spoon: for soup

5. Wait until you know whether grace will be said before diving into the food. No man wants to be caught with a mouth full of roll as everyone else bows their head.

6. Keep your elbows off the table.

7. Always say please when requesting a dish be handed to you.

8. Among good friends and family, it is okay to request a taste of another’s entree. But do not attempt to taste everyone’s food at the table.

9. When eating rolls or bread, put a pat of butter on your roll plate and pass the butter on. Then, do not butter the entire roll at once, but instead tear off a slice or piece, butter that segment, eat it and repeat.

10. Do not eat too fast. Chew slowly and savor your food. Make time for conversation in between bites. Match your pace with that of your dining companions.

11. Never chew with your mouth open. And naturally do not attempt to speak when it is full either. Finally, the “see-food diet” joke is only appropriate for five-year-olds.

12. If you have a mustache or beard, be sure to avoid getting food lodged in your hairy masterpiece. Mustaches should not literally be used as soup strainers.

13. If dining at a friend’s home and you find a hair in the food, quietly and inconspicuously remove it. Continue eating. If said situation happens at a restaurant, you may let the waiter know.

14. If you wish to consume the last item or portion of a dish, ask your fellow diners if anyone would like some before you polish it off.

15. Do not bring up unappetizing stories at the table. Your story about breaking open your head in a skateboarding accident may slay them at the frat house, but it will ruin the tomato soup at dinner.

The Dos and Don’ts of Conversation

We spend a great portion of our lives talking, whether in making small talk at parties, mingling around the watercooler at work, chatting with our date or discussing deeper issues with our friends. Through conversation we can win friends or alienate them, gain information and impart it, secure a job or lose one, improve our reputation or damage it. The difference between being a superior conversationalist and not is the difference between being the life of the party and being the ill-bespoken boor. The ability to engage others in winning conversation is an indispensable one and one of the keys to social and professional success. These guidelines, and continual practice, will have you on your way to becoming a master conversationalist.

The Don’ts

Don’t
continually look around the room as you have a conversation with someone. You may simply be curious about who is coming and going, but it will appear that you are not interested in the present conversation and are looking for someone else with whom to converse.

Don’t
continually glance at your watch or fidget. Don’t appear to be bored while engaged in a conversation.

Figure 1.18 Don’t continually glance at your watch or fidget. Don’t appear to be bored while engaged in a conversation.

Don’t
speak with only one person when mingling with a group. This will leave the others in the group standing there awkwardly. Engage each person with eye contact and questions.

Don’t
assume you are on the same page as a person you have just met when it comes to weighty issues. You should avoid issuing statements laden with value judgments. For example, don’t say, “Isn’t it wonderful that so-and-so won the election,” without knowing the person’s political sympathies.

Don’t
engage in gossip. If others do, always defend the person being spoken of.

Don’t
engage in one-upping or bragging. The latter is especially important if you are much better-off than the person with which you speak. The man who is a poor graduate student does not want to hear every detail of your luxury cruise to Rio de Janeiro.

Don’t
talk about inside jokes or “remember whens.” If you find yourself in a group which consists of a close friend and new acquaintances, do not alienate the latter by engaging your friend on conversation topics with which the others have no understanding and nothing to add.

Don’t
use profanity. Some people don’t mind. Some do. Better to stay on the safe side and come off as a polished gentleman.

Don’t
bore people with topics of conversation that are marginally interesting to the general public. You may find the intricacies of molecular biology to be quite scintillating, but most people do not.

Don’t
fill your conversation with complaints and criticism. No one wants to hang out with a
grumbletonian
. The man who issues a constant stream of negativity will be avoided.

Don’t
intentionally use big words. Dropping “opprobrium” into conservation doesn’t make you sound smart; it makes you sound pretentious. If you’re intelligent, it will shine though in what you say without the artificial garnishes.

Don’t
relate intensely personal stories to new acquaintances, otherwise known as the over-share. You may think that such unburdening will create a faster bond, but it will more likely make the other person feel awkward.

Don’t
speak on controversial topics. Don’t bring up subjects which are bound to cause contention. If others do, don’t engage them and create a tense dispute.

Don’t
monopolize the conversation. Don’t hold the floor for more than a few minutes at a time. Let others have their turn.

The Dos

Do
make the person feel as though they are the most important person in the room. Lock into the conversation with great interest. Keep steady, but non-creepy eye contact, nod your head, listen intently and add
hmmmms
and
ahhhhs
when appropriate.

Do
ask the person questions. Avoid talking about yourself too much. People like those who seem genuinely curious about their lives and interests.

Do
allow an opening for the person to move on and mingle with others if they wish. You don’t want to make someone feel trapped in conversation with you.

Do
always keep an arsenal of entertaining stories at your disposal. When an awkward silence arises, don’t make it worse by standing there staring into your cup. Be prepared with a myriad of topics with which to speak on.