The Art of Manliness: Classic Skills and Manners for the Modern Man (12 page)

Guys’ night out. The cliché of the “guys’ night out” involves a man ditching his unhappy wife and household chores to spend time with his boys. So let’s be clear here: Your wife and her needs should always come first. At the same time, if you and she have spent ample time together, then guys’ night out is quite appropriate. Encourage her to have a girls’ night out as well. The quality of your relationship will improve as a result of having healthy friendships.

Staying in Touch with Your Buds

Any relationship, including the man friendship, needs communication to survive. Most guys aren’t keen on having heart-to-hearts. Spending regular time together, even without much talking can be enough. But if you move to different locales, you’ll have to make an effort to stay in touch. Guys generally don’t enjoy talking on the phone, and we usually aren’t big e-mail writers either. But there is a long-standing, centuries-old tradition that has kept man friends connected over whole lifetimes: letter writing.

Snail mail may have fallen out of favor with most of society, but it’s key in maintaining healthy friendships. Sure e-mail is easy, but it’s also easily ignored. We let it sit there and in a few days it has disappeared to another page and out of our brains. Letter writing is something altogether different: Real and tangible, it leaves your hands and physically plants itself in the life of your friend. There it is, a part of you, sitting on their kitchen counter. People can’t throw stuff like that away. A letter practically requires an answer. Commit to writing your friend once a month; it will keep alive your bond no matter where life takes the both of you.

Learn the Secret Handshake: Join a Fraternal Lodge

You see their emblems next to the “Welcome to Anytown, USA” sign when you drive into any locale in America. You can recognize them by a lapel pin they might wear or a bumper sticker they have on their car. And without them driving around in go-carts and three-wheelers, Fourth of July parades as we know them today would cease to exist.

They are the thousands of men who belong to fraternal lodges.

While fraternal lodges like the Freemasons and Oddfellows are often the butt of jokes or fodder for conspiracy theories, fraternal lodges played an important part in the history of male socialization in America. Becoming a member of a fraternal lodge was once a common rite of passage for American men. It was a way for a man to make new friends, network with others and find meaning in their lives. Your grandpa probably belonged or still belongs to one. Sadly this once vibrant and manly tradition has been on the decline for several decades. But the fraternal lodge is due for a revival.

The History of Fraternal Lodges

“Friendship is the only thing in the world concerning the usefulness of which all mankind are agreed.”

—Cicero

During the nineteenth century, the number of different fraternal lodges as well as membership in lodges exploded in America. The home, transformed by the period’s so-called “cult of domesticity,” had become an effeminate, doily-laden foo-foo abode, and men from all walks of life flocked to lodges as bastions of unfettered manliness. The lodge was a man hangout, where men could socialize, play pool, throw back a few and vigorously discuss the pressing issues of the day.

Membership in fraternal lodges continued to grow through the early part of the twentieth century, peaked during the 1930s but then quickly began to decline. Men began to find the elaborate rituals of fraternal lodges off-putting, found new sources of entertainment in radio, television and movies, and looked to organized sports and the emerging corporate culture for social opportunities. Additionally, increasing pressure and desire for men to spend more time with their families forced many men to give up lodge life.

Today many fraternal lodges are on the verge of extinction. Their ranks are getting older, and young men have very little interest in replacing them. It wouldn’t be surprising if in a few decades fraternal lodges began to disappear completely.

Why Modern Men Should Join a Fraternal Lodge

This manly tradition need not fade away. Fraternal lodges aren’t just for your grandpa. You, too, can take part in these manly institutions. Here are five reasons you should look past the silly hats and become a member of a fraternal lodge:

1. You’ll be taking part in a storied tradition.
This tradition is shared by some of the greatest men in history. George Washington, Isaac Newton, Ben Franklin and Theodore Roosevelt were all Masons. How awesome would it be to join the ranks of these great and noble men?

2. The ritual.
Our modern world is sadly lacking in ritual. Even churches are dumping their rituals in order to be more hip and edgy. But ritual is an important part of the human experience. Through ritual we can learn important truths, explore the mysteries of the universe and quiet our busy minds. Also, if you feel like you lack a rite of passage into manhood, the ritual of fraternal lodges can provide one for you.

3. You’ll make new friends.
Sure, these new friends will probably be seventy-five years old, but who better to glean manly wisdom from? What’s great about fraternal lodges is that they attract men from all backgrounds, but who all have the same goal of becoming better men. So you’ll get to interact with a wide variety of people. Lodge brothers are extremely loyal to one another and will always have your back.

Figure 2.3 Lodge brothers are extremely loyal to one another and will always have your back.

4. You’ll become a better man.
While most fraternal orders require a belief in a Supreme Being (which is open to personal interpretation), very few require adherence to any set creed, church or political system. Instead fraternities exist to promote and inspire values that all men can get behind such as brotherhood, charity and loyalty.

5. You’ll have an opportunity to serve your community.
Most men want to give back but don’t know where or how to do so. Fraternal lodges will give you the motivation and direction you need to get off the couch and start serving your fellow man. While lodges still provide social activities like sports leagues and parties, their main function these days is to plan and carry out service projects from Habitat for Humanity to pancake breakfast fund-raisers. Giving back to your community is definitely a manly thing to do. And you might even get to pop a wheelie in the local parade.

How to Help a Friend With a Problem

If you see your buddy going through a rough patch in life, it’s only natural to want to offer some advice on how to remedy the situation. But helping a man friend with a problem can be a sticky situation; men don’t like heart-to-hearts, they’re often too prideful to ask for help and a marathon of watching
Sex and the City
reruns and eating pints of Ben and Jerry’s won’t soothe their troubles. So when helping your friend with a problem, you must walk softly and carry a fishing pole.

Go do something together.
Men tend to be uncomfortable with baring their souls. So instead of sitting your friend down and gazing into his eyes, go jogging, take him fishing or bowling, or play some pool. It’s easier to unburden yourself when you’re sitting looking outward, instead of face-to-face. In between fishing casts, ask your friend about his problem.

Figure 2.4 It’s easier to unburden yourself when you’re sitting looking outward, instead of face-to-face. Go jogging, take him fishing or bowling, or play some pool.

Get the facts.
Before you can successfully help someone, you need to know all the facts about the problem. Harness your inner news reporter by asking who, what, when, where and why questions. And make sure you listen attentively while your friend speaks.

Enable your friend to discover the solution himself.
Men are most likely to follow through with something if they feel like they thought of the idea themselves. And oftentimes a man simply needs to be able to think out loud to come up with the answer to his troubles. Therefore your job as a friend is to act as a facilitator. After you hear your friend’s problem, ask him very nonchalantly, “So what do you think you can do to fix your situation?” Usually he’ll start listing some things. When he says something that you think would be particularly effective, let him know and explore the idea further.

Ask if he wants your advice.
If helping them figure out their own solution isn’t going anywhere,
ask
your friend if he would like some advice. By asking before you jump into the fray, you respect your friend’s manly pride. If they say no, then it’s
no great shakes
. Just keep fishing or bowling and let your friend know you’re always willing to talk about it in the future. Don’t bug him about it; that’s the man code.

Don’t preach.
Men hate being preached to. Don’t put off a smug vibe that makes your friend feel you think you’re better than him for being in this pickle. Skip the patronizing sermon of “shoulds” and “musts”; instead offer suggestions. Say, “This is what I would do if I were in your situation,” “You could try doing X,” or “I once had a similar problem and here’s how I handled it.”

Give ’em some straight talk.
Men don’t like to be preached to, but they do appreciate a justified kick in the pants. If your friend’s been a
dunderhead
, then you need to call him on the carpet. Talk to him respectfully and honestly, man to man. Sometimes you have to tear a man down to bring him back up.

Naturally the specific situation should determine your approach. If the problem is more sensitive, like his girlfriend cheating on him, be more sympathetic.

The Mechanics of the Man Hug

The transition from the snuggling, hand-holding days of the nineteenth century to the less affectionate modern age has been a bumpy one, leaving man friends confused on how to properly show their affection. A firm, hearty handshake, always appropriate with acquaintances and business colleagues, falls quite short when dealing with one’s bosom buddies. Yet, neither are most men looking to spoon the afternoon away. Thus, a man must know how to take the middle path: the man hug.

Manly Advice: When to Hug

Women hug after their friend returns from a bathroom break. Men ration their hugs, doling them out only on certain occasions. These include:

• When you haven’t seen a friend for a long time. This is measured in months, not days or weeks.

• When a friend shares a bit of good news such as the announcement that he has gotten engaged or impregnated his wife. (If he has impregnated someone other than his wife, substitute a man slap in lieu of a man hug.)