The Art of Manliness: Classic Skills and Manners for the Modern Man (14 page)

Stay sober.
Sure, you want to enjoy yourself, and yes, alcohol may help take the edge off of giving a speech in front of hundreds of strangers, but make sure you’re not sloppy drunk when you give your speech. You don’t want to be completely uninhibited or you might say something you’ll regret later on. Besides, a real man doesn’t need a crutch to help him tackle a challenge. Be man enough to postpone your own gratification until after the speech is completed.

Tell a story that makes a connection. The ideal way to structure a best man speech is to find a connection between a story about your friend and your support for the couple. Share a story about how your friend would always lament that he would never find a woman with x,y and z qualities, but how he finally did in his new bride. Or tell a story about the moment when you were hanging out with the couple and you realized your friend had found his match. Another good angle is to talk about the way that the bride and groom balance one another. Relate a funny (not embarrassing, see below) anecdote in which one of your buddy’s personality traits tripped him up in some way. For example, the story could be about how your friend is very shy and how this shyness caused some humorous event to occur. You then talk about how bubbly and outgoing his bride is, and how they therefore make a perfect team.

Avoid controversial, offensive or embarrassing topics. You would think this is common sense, but people somehow forget this when they’re standing with a microphone in their hand in front of a crowd of people. What gets people in trouble is attempting to be funny by sharing an embarrassing story or cracking some lame joke about a ball and chain. Such shtick usually bombs. It’s okay to share a humorous anecdote, but not one that gets laughs at the expense of your friend and his new wife and embarrasses them and their guests.

Figure 2.8 Avoid controversial, offensive or embarrassing topics in your best man speech.

Avoid inside jokes. If you want to keep people’s attention, save the inside jokes for when it’s just you and your friend.

Keep it short.
Nothing irritates people more than some rambling drunk going on and on and on. People have probably already listened to the maid of honor and the bride’s father give their spiel. By the time they get to you, the crowd is ready to eat cake and get on with it. Shoot for no more than five minutes.

Other don’ts.
Don’t talk about the groom’s past relationships, don’t tell people what you really thought of your buddy’s wife when you first met her, don’t slam the food, don’t make comments about looking forward to the honeymoon while winking at the bride—basically just use some tact and class.

Remember to be yourself.
No need to get formal or try to be someone you’re not. And there’s no need to follow these instructions exactly either. Simply use them as a guide and be yourself. Let it flow naturally. Use your natural voice and mannerisms. Make it personal and sincere and say things from the heart and you should be golden.

Manly Advice: Best Man Speech Crib Sheet

1. Open by thanking those who made the day possible. Single out the bride and groom’s parents by name, and offer a toast to them for not only putting on the wedding but for raising two fine people. Thank the guests for coming.

2. Transition to your speech: “I am especially glad to be here on this occasion to celebrate this wonderful day with my friend/brother.”

3. Talk about how you know the groom, why you’re grateful for having him as your friend and why he’s such an upstanding guy.

4. Share a story about your friend and connect it to the couple.

5. Raise your glass and say something to the effect of: “Here’s to a lifetime of happiness and love for ____ and ____!”

6. Let out a sigh of relief.

Chapter Three. The Hero

“The difference between a hero and a coward is one step sideways.”

—Gene Hackman

As little boys, we all dreamed of growing up to be just like the superheroes in comic books. We wanted to have the supercool gadgets, the sweet costume and the extraordinary powers necessary to swoop in and save the day. Somewhere along the way, whether the epiphany came when jumping from a roof with only a sheet cape for wings, or waiting in vain for that spider bite to develop into something more than an itchy bump, we grew up and realized that we were never going to be the next Superman or develop Spidey sense.

But every man, even sans tights, can be a hero. The annals of history are filled with tales of ordinary men who risked their own lives to save others. In our time, we have stories of well-known heroes like Todd Beamer and his plan to overthrow the terrorists of Flight 93, and Wesley Autrey who covered himself over a seizure victim to protect him from an oncoming subway train. And every local community has lesser-known tales like that of William Kirby, who broke down the door of his neighbor’s burning house to save her. Everyone loves to hear of such heroic acts not only because they are inspiring but because they are rarer in an increasingly anonymous and isolated society, a world where it is far easier to step over the man in need than to risk life and limb to save him.

Yet sacrifice is one of the key qualities of true men. Every man must be ready to put aside thoughts of his own welfare or pressing schedule and be willing to come to the aid of those in need. No man knows precisely how he will act in the moment of crisis. But he can prepare himself to make the right choice when that day comes by daily cultivating a generous and compassionate attitude and by learning the skills necessary to be able to step in to help without hesitation. The chaos of an emergency is not the time to figure out how to proceed, you must learn now the knowledge needed to become a real hero.

Manly Advice: Fight Like a Gentleman

“I always believe in being prepared, even when I’m dressed in white tie and tails.”

—George S. Patton Jr.

Let’s say you’re out with your buddies (or maybe a lovely young lady) having a good time, when all of a sudden some
thorough-paced scoundrel
shoves you. You didn’t do anything to instigate the guy, but it doesn’t matter. There is a special breed of males, that when inebriated, start fights with random people. This breed, when found in their wild habitat, are often accompanied by their similarly boneheaded buddies.

Or perhaps you and your posse end up in a rumble with the Socs because one of your buddies killed a Soc while trying to save Ponyboy from being drowned by some punk Soc. Man, I hate them Socs.

What should you do in these situations? If possible, it’s best to follow the advice given to Ponyboy and stay golden. Always try to avoid the fight altogether. Attempt to defuse the situation by talking with the guy. Try to get him to calm down. If you did something to unknowingly
raise his bristles
(like looking at him funny), then apologize. Don’t let your ego get in the way of apologizing for something you didn’t do.

If talking to the knucklehead doesn’t work, start to leave the scene. But maintain alertness and walk away backwards, still facing your opponent. If he’s a no-good yellow-belly rat, he’ll attack you from behind.

If the ruffian is still threatening you and you have nowhere to go, then it’s time to get down to business. You could pull out some tried-and-true street-fighting moves and go in for the head butt or start brandishing a broken bottle. But now that you’re donning a hat and dressing like a gentleman, you might as well learn how to fight like one. For that, we must turn back the hands of time, walk the rough and tumble streets of nineteenth-century London and enter the hallowed halls of the Bartitsu Club.

The History of Bartitsu

Before Randy Couture and the Ultimate Fighting Championship, there was Edward William Barton-Wright and bartitsu. Born at the turn of the century, bartitsu was probably the first instance of what we know today as mixed martial arts. Mr. Barton, an English railroad conductor turned martial arts instructor, combined elements of boxing, jujitsu, cane fighting and French kickboxing to create a self-defense system that could be used by discerning gentlemen on the mean streets of Edwardian London. Bartitsu grew to such popularity that even Sherlock Holmes was employing it on his sleuthing adventures.

Barton taught bartitsu until the 1920s when its popularity and practice waned and then disappeared almost completely. Yet the legacy Barton left behind was a system of techniques and moves that can still foil the plans of pernicious scamps and scallywags that come your way.

The Martial Arts of Bartitsu

Bartitsu was a mix of several different marital arts. Each added distinct tactics that made bartitsu a versatile system for defending oneself and taking on an attacker. Below is a brief description of each.

Boxing

The boxing style implemented by Barton was the style used by golden age fisticuffers of the time. Unlike the modern style, boxers during the nineteenth and early twentieth centuries maintained a stiff and upright stance. Usually the lead hand was extended, with the rear forearm “barring the mark,” or covering their chest area.

Jujitsu

Bartitsu borrowed half of its name and many of its moves from the Japanese fighting style of jujitsu. During the late nineteenth century, jujitsu had become a popular sport among Westerners. In fact, President Teddy Roosevelt was a practitioner of this martial art. Barton brought in famous Japanese jujitsu instructors or jujutsukas K. Tani, S. Yamamonto and Yukio Tani to teach at his school, the Bartitsu Club. In a March 1899 issue of
Pearson’s Magazine
, Barton summarized jujitsu in three principles:

1. To disturb the equilibrium of your assailant.

2. To surprise him before he has time to regain his balance and use his strength.

3. If necessary to subject the joints of any parts of his body, whether neck, shoulder, elbow, wrist, back, knee, ankle, etc., to strains that they are anatomically and mechanically unable to resist.

La Savate

La savate (pronounced
savat
) is a French kickboxing system developed from street-fighting sailors in the port of Marseilles during the nineteenth century. Sailors in Marseilles had to develop a way to fight that didn’t involve closed fists because they were considered deadly weapons and carried legal penalties if used. Thus, savate consisted of different kicks, openhanded slaps and grappling.

Stick Fighting

Also known as “la canne,” stick fighting was another French martial art. Barton brought in Pierre Vigny, a Swiss master-at-arms, to teach stick fighting. Because many upper-class Englishmen carried canes and umbrellas, Vigny modified the traditional form of stick fighting to better implement these instruments. His system was simple and efficient, and it lent itself to defending oneself in an altercation in the streets. Strikes to the face, head, neck, wrists, knees and shins were used to eliminate the threat of an attacker.

Figure 3.1 Because many upper-class Englishmen carried canes and umbrellas, Vigny modified the traditional form of stick fighting to better implement these instruments.

Using Bartitsu in a Street Fight

“The unforgivable crime is soft hitting. Do not hit at all if it can be avoided; but never hit softly.”

—Theodore Roosevelt

If you’ve been accosted by some
rank spoon
, and they’re not backing down, it’s time to put up your dukes and fight. Start by assuming a stable fighting stance. Spread your stance to about shoulder width apart and slightly bend your knees. The goal is to maintain balance so you don’t end up on the ground. Keep your hands up to protect your face and clench your teeth. A solid punch to an open mouth can lead to a broken jaw. From here you are ready to go all Sherlock Holmes on this
chucklehead
.

Offensive Bartitsu Moves

Here’s how to perform some of the most effective moves Barton took from the marital arts above and incorporated into Bartitsu.

Basic Boxing Techniques

The jab.
While it’s not the most powerful punch, the jab is an important tool in your boxing arsenal. It’s used primarily to wear your opponent down and to open him up for the power punch. The jab is performed with your lead hand by quickly extending your arm. Twist your arm in a corkscrew like motion just before impact. The twist will give your jab some added oomph.
(

Figure 3.2 The jab is used primarily to wear your opponent down and to open him up for the power punch.

The hook.
Like the hook, the jab is performed with your lead hand. Unlike the jab, the power from the hook is coming from your core, not your arm. Bend your lead arm, as if you’re holding a shield. Pivot your front foot, like your squishing a bug. At the same time, twist your torso. Aim your fist at your opponent’s chin. If done correctly, a well-placed hook can knock out an opponent.
(

Figure 3.3 If done correctly, a well-placed hook can knock out an opponent.