The Art of Manliness: Classic Skills and Manners for the Modern Man (18 page)

But don’t worry, she probably isn’t as cool as you thought she was since she doesn’t appreciate your charms. Start pursuing another lady who will.

Nice Guys Don’t Have to Finish Last

Oftentimes when a man sees yet another bombshell on the arm of a dude who from all appearances is
fragrant man swine
, he is compelled to shake his fist at the sky and wonder if there is any justice in the world. “What does she see in him?” he asks in exasperation.

This man believes his well-mannered ways are at the root of the problem, somehow repelling women who inexplicably prefer to date jerks. But the problem is not that this man is a nice guy; it’s that he’s allowed his niceness to travel down the slippery slope into weinerdom.

Too many men use their niceness as a cover for the fact that they’re insecure. It’s this lack of confidence and swagger that kills their chances with the ladies, not their amiable personality. Men often set up a false dichotomy. You can either be an arrogant scallywag or a demure nice guy. But there is a middle ground, the combination women are truly looking for: the extremely confident gentlemen.

Biology 101

Throughout time and across species, reproductive differences between men and women have led women to be quite choosy when it comes to picking a mate. A male must stand out from the pack to win a female’s attention. Whether manifested in an elk’s handsome antlers or a caveman’s demonstration of hunting prowess, the male must show the female he’s a
huckleberry above a persimmon
.

Happily, the modern man need not strap on some peacock plumage to attract the ladies. Cultivating talent, confidence and mad skills will do the trick just as well.

Become the Supremely Confident Gentleman

Be a leader and a decision-maker—not a pushover.
Yes, couples are equal partners in our modern society. Yes, men should absolutely respect a woman’s viewpoint and a couple should strive to make decisions together. But no matter how liberated she is, no woman wants to wear the pants all the time. She doesn’t want to be the one who takes care of every single thing. She wants you to take charge sometimes. The reason women sometimes go for total jerks is that they’re usually take-charge kinds of guys.

Be ambitious.
Primitive women wanted to land the tribe’s alpha male, as these men were more likely to be the best providers for their young. You may no longer need to prove to your lady that you can spear a woolly mammoth, but you still need to show her that you’re an alpha male, or at least you’re working towards that goal. If you’re a corporate guy, show her that you’re working your way up to the corner office. If you’re a fireman, let her know that you dream of one day becoming the chief.

Have a cool man skill or hobby.
Men often have a single-minded fixation on a hobby or interest, and these man passions are really attractive and intriguing to women. I’m not talking about being passionate about collecting
Star Wars
action figures. I’m talking about being really into music and being able to turn your girlfriend on to new bands and burn her CDs you think she’ll love. I’m talking about things like woodworking, cooking and guitar playing (on a real guitar, not on
Guitar Hero
).

Figure 4.2 Men often have a single-minded fixation on a hobby or interest, and these man passions are really attractive and intriguing to women.

Not only do cool man skills make you seem interesting and unique, women also like bragging to their friends about you. Remember, women want to feel like they’ve found a good catch, a man respected by men and envied by women. Napoleon Dynamite was right: Girls like guys with skills.

Be supremely confident about your relationship.
A woman wants to feel like you could have had your pick of any woman in the room and you chose her, so never act awestruck by the fact that she actually went out with you or dumbfounded when she says yes to things like a second date or a kiss. Don’t constantly express your worry that you might lose her.

Always act like you knew she would say yes and you knew she would fall in love with you from the beginning. There was never a doubt in your mind. Because you’re the man, and why wouldn’t she fall for you? It’s not about being arrogant; it’s about being completely confident in what you have to offer a woman.

Be supremely confident and comfortable in your own skin.
If you’re a little homely, never let on that you think so. If you’re a little quirky, act like those quirks make you the coolest man in the room. Witness the curious case of the strange and unattractive starving artist. He doesn’t have the looks, the brawn or the money. But women flock to him because a) he’s got a cool man skill, b) he’s mysterious and c) he’s completely comfortable in his skin and couldn’t give a rat’s behind what people think about him. Radiate the fact that you are wholly and completely your own man.

Give Flowers Like a Victorian Gentleman

Giving a woman flowers is a standard romantic gesture that can help you woo women. But it has unfortunately become a pretty ho-hum cliché. Instead of giving your lady flowers like every other schmo out there, try resurrecting the Victorian tradition of giving flowers. It will infuse the gesture with new life and romance and bring back some of the subtlety, mystery and fun of courtship.

Figure 4.3 Instead of giving your lady flowers like every other schmo out there, try resurrecting the Victorian tradition of giving flowers.

During the Victorian era, a whole romantic language developed around the giving and receiving of flowers. Everything from the type and size of the flower to the way it was held or presented conveyed layers of meaning and communicated a gentleman’s feelings and intentions. Each bouquet contained a secret message for a lady to eagerly interpret and endlessly dissect.

Your lady will swoon that you put far more thought into your selection of flowers than grabbing a bouquet out of the case at Wal-Mart. You’ll come off as a real gentleman and a hopeless romantic. Of course, the language of flowers now lies next to Latin in the graveyard of dead discourse. Even in Victorian times, flower meanings were never set in stone and varied from dictionary to dictionary. Therefore, for this tradition to work, you and your love must be using the same source. (You don’t want to send a bouquet meant to declare your love and have her interpret it as a message of rejection!) So use the flower list below as your dictionary, or let your lady browse the list in
Appendix C. Words of Wisdom
.

Manly Advice: Flower Meanings

Here’s a partial list of meanings to help you get started. Follow them, and you’ll need smelling salts to revive your date when she swoons for you.

Ambrosia—Your love is reciprocated

Baby’s Breath—Our love is innocent

Camellia, pink—I long for you

Camellia, red—You’re a flame in my heart

Camellia, white—You’re adorable

Carnation, pink—I will never forget you

Carnation, red—My heart aches for you

Carnation, white—My love is pure

Chrysanthemum, red—I love you

Daffodil—Your feelings are unrequited

Daisy—Love conquers all

Forget-me-not—Remember me forever

Forsythia—I can’t wait to see you again

Geranium—I messed up

Gloxinia—It was love at first sight

Hyacinth, purple—I am sorry, please forgive me

Lilac, mauve—Do you still love me?

Lilac, white—You are my first love

Lily, calla—You are beautiful

Primrose—I can’t live without you

Rose, orange—I think about you all the time

Rose, pink—Please believe me

Rose, red—I am in passionately in love with you

Rose, red and white together—We’re united in our love for each other

Rose, white—You’re heavenly

Rose, yellow—Can we be friends?

Sweet Pea—I have to go; good-bye

Tulip, red—I’ve fallen in love with you

Tulip, yellow—There’s sunshine in your smile

Violet, blue—I will always be faithful

Violet, white—Let’s take a chance

When to Give Flowers

Once you are versed in the language of flowers, you’ll be able to create bouquets that will add meaning and significance to any occasion. Here are some times when you’ll want to warm your true love’s heart with flowers:

Her Birthday.
It’s her day. Make it extra special by buying her a bouquet of flowers. It doesn’t have to be too elaborate.

Your Anniversary.
You can’t go wrong with buying your wife a bouquet of the same type of flowers you had at your wedding. The very sight of them will create a wave of warm and fuzzy memories. And the fact that you remembered the right flower will send her heart aflutter and score you major romance points.

Valentine’s Day.
Many women will tell you they don’t want anything for Valentine’s Day. But this is actually a secret code which means they don’t want anything above and beyond flowers. Flowers are so standard as to not even merit mentioning.

New Baby/Mother’s Day.
Your wife just went through nine months of pain and discomfort to bring forth your progeny. The least you can do is buy her some flowers. Flowers represent new life, and you’ll be cradling new life in your arms. Later on, show your wife your appreciation for all the work she puts into mothering by buying flowers each Mother’s Day.