The Art of Manliness: Classic Skills and Manners for the Modern Man (19 page)

Saying I’m Sorry.
If you want to get out of the doghouse, bring flowers along with an apology. The extra effort may show the lady in your life that you’re really sorry. But make that apology sincere. A bunch of flowers with only a weak or nonexistent apology will backfire; your woman doesn’t want to be bought off with cheap gestures. Note: Don’t bother with flowers if you’ve been caught cheating. There aren’t enough flowers in the world to cover the stench of a philandering lout.

A Special Date.
Whether you are still dating or have been married for years, making time for special dates is essential to keeping your love burning brightly. When planning those romantic outings, put buying flowers on your list of preparations. There’s no better way to set the mood for a special night out then to show up at the door with a beautiful bouquet. She’ll melt.

Surprise Her.
Who says you need a reason to buy the woman in your life flowers? Surprise her! Make it habit to stop by the florist on the way home every now and then to pick up some flowers for your lady.

Break up With a Woman Like a Gentleman

Like every variety of trouble, it’s easier to get into a relationship than it is to get out of one. Before you find your true love, you’ll likely pursue a few relationships that don’t work out. Perhaps you discover that she has different values and goals than you. Perhaps your personalities clash too much. You know that the best thing for both of you is to end the relationship. But how do you do it without being a jerk? Even if you don’t think this gal is the one for you, she still deserves to be treated with respect. Here are some suggestions on how to break up with a woman like a gentleman.

Make the decision.
Before you make a date to tell your gal you’re calling it quits, make sure you know for certain that you want to break up. Once you say you want to break up, there’s no going back. Also, make sure you know exactly why you’re breaking up with her. She deserves to know the reasons for the split.

Tell her in person and let her be the first to know.
A gentleman will tell a woman that he wants to break up in person. Don’t do it by e-mail, don’t text it and especially don’t break up with her via Facebook. Only a
thorough-paced scoundrel
would do such a thing. She deserves to hear it from you face-to-face. Will it be tough? You bet. But you’re a man and men don’t shirk from challenges. Also, don’t tell your friends/family that you’re breaking up with your girlfriend before you tell your girlfriend. Rumors fly. The last thing you want is a confused, angry girlfriend calling you to ask why you’re breaking up with her.

Pick a neutral location.
Don’t break up in familiar settings, like your place, her place or your “favorite” place. You need to find a place where the both of you can speak freely. Most men choose restaurants, but that’s not always a good idea. At a restaurant you can either tell her at the beginning or at the end of the meal. Either option leaves you with undesirable outcomes. If you do it at the beginning, you might end up awkwardly sitting across from an understandably irate woman while you eat your steak. If you wait until the end, you might back out of your decision. Go to a park or coffee shop instead.

Pick a neutral time.
Have the respect of not breaking up with a woman around emotionally significant dates. Her birthday, holidays, your anniversary and especially Valentine’s Day are lousy times to break up with a woman. To many women, breaking up on such dates can be seen as a kicking her when she’s already down.

Be honest and keep it simple.
Don’t come up with some long-winded explanation about why you’re breaking up with her. It only makes you sound like more of a jerk. Simply tell her the truth of why you’re breaking up with her as tactfully and respectfully as you can. Since you already know why you’re breaking up, this shouldn’t be hard. A woman deserves to know a specific reason for the split; otherwise, she’ll be obsessing over the meaning of your cowardly vaguities for a long time to come. Also, let her know this decision was difficult for you. It will slightly cushion the blow; no woman wants to feel like she was easily discarded.

Stay calm.
There’s a good chance your now ex-girlfriend will start crying after you tell her the news. Don’t get nervous. Be a rock, but be a sympathetic rock. No need to get angry or tell her to not make a scene. You’ll only make things worse.

Figure 4.4 There’s a good chance your now ex-girlfriend will start crying after you tell her the news. Don’t get nervous. Be a rock, but be a sympathetic rock.

Move on.
Once you tell her, move on. Don’t say things that may leave open the opportunity to continue the relationship unless you really mean it. For example, don’t say “I hope we can be still friends.” First, it might give a woman a false sense of hope that there’s some way to continue the relationship. Second, most people know this phrase is a bunch of crap. You might as well have said, “It’s not you; it’s me.”

How Do You Know When She’s the One?

“There is nothing nobler or more admirable than when two people who see eye to eye keep house as man and wife, confounding their enemies and delighting their friends.”

—Homer

So how do you know if you’re picking the right woman to settle down with? Some men agonize over the decision, afraid the wrong choice will leave them trapped in a loveless marriage or scarred by a bitter divorce. The truth is that knowing you’ve found the right woman to marry is not rocket science. It can honestly be one the easiest decisions of your life. Here are four guidelines that will let you know if your woman is the one.

The relationship goes smoothly from the beginning.
The best relationships happen completely naturally from start to finish. The couple meets, they get along swimmingly, they start dating and then they get married. The courtship process is not saddled with DTRs (Define the Relationship talks), frequent fighting and numerous breakups and reconciliations. This is not to say that men in such volatile relationships shouldn’t get hitched. But the volatility will most likely continue into the marriage. Whether that volatility is acceptable is up to each individual man and his sense of the strength of that relationship.

She gets along well with your family and friends.
There are exceptions to this rule: Your girlfriend and one of your friends or family members may simply have clashing personality traits. But in general, it’s a red flag if your girlfriend does not mix well with your loved ones. Think about it—your family raised you and made you who you are, and you picked your friends based on your common interests and values. If she doesn’t like them and they don’t like her, then it may mean you’re not seeing something important about your girlfriend that they do. Love often blurs your vision and judgment. Your loved ones have an outsider’s perspective on the relationship. This doesn’t mean you should break up with a woman just because your friends and family don’t like her. If you’re sure of your relationship, be confident in moving forward with it. But it’s wise to seek honest feedback from others.

There is nothing major you want to change about her.
There will always be differences and conflicts in a relationship. But if there is something truly significant about your girlfriend that you wish she would change, that is a red flag. In the initial stages of a relationship, when your brain is bathed with love chemicals, you may be willing to overlook the flaw or even find it strangely endearing. But after several years, when the love chemicals have ebbed, this trait may begin to grate on your soul. Remember, people seldom change, and marriage won’t magically resolve your issues.

She’s your best friend.
Physical attraction and chemistry are obviously crucial to any relationship. But at the core of the relationship should be a strong and deeply rooted friendship. Forty years down the line you’re both going to be soft, wrinkly and saddled with low libidos. The thing that will hold your marriage together when you’re old and gray is your friendship. Therefore, if you feel like your girlfriend is your best friend in the world, there is a very good chance that she is the one for you. Do you want to spend all your time with her? Does she make any situation from going to a ballgame to doing your taxes more enjoyable? Do you feel like you could tell her anything and that she knows more about you than anyone in the world? Yes? Well then, she’s a keeper.

Figure 4.5 If you feel like your girlfriend is your best friend in the world, there is a very good chance that she is the one for you.

Stop Dragging Your Feet and make a commitment

Lately marriage has gotten a bad rap. It seems like many men these days feel marriage is an archaic arrangement that holds them back from realizing their full potential. Even if men aren’t particularly anti-marriage, they will avoid getting hitched for as long as they can.

Men often delay marriage because they believe that dating and cohabitation offer all of the benefits (particularly sex) of marriage without the commitment and responsibility. They are fooling themselves. Nearly all of the true advantages of marriage (yes, even sex) apply only to actual married couples, not those couples living together, and certainly not to those simply dating.

While it is seriously unwise for men to rush into marriage willy-nilly, once you’ve found your true love and you’re sure she’s the one, there’s no reason to delay your nuptials. Why? Marriage offers truly significant benefits that cannot be found outside of it. Here are six reasons you should grow up, man up and stopping being so scared of walking down the aisle.

The Benefits of Marriage

“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.”

—Joseph Barth

More and better sex.
The popular belief is that marriage stifles sexual fulfillment. The reality is that married men are having better and more frequent sex than their single buddies who go to clubs each weekend trolling for a woman who’s willing to take them home. Married sex is even better than cohabitation sex; 50 percent of married men find their sex life physically and emotionally fulfilling, compared to only 38 percent of cohabiting couples. Married sex produces an environment of trust and openness, allowing couples to honestly express their sexual needs and desires to their spouse. This results in better, more satisfying whoopee.

More money.
Married men are wealthier men. Married men earn between 10 and 40 percent more than single men. They also receive promotions more frequently and earn more glowing performance reviews than their single coworkers. Employers often see married men as more settled and responsible than their single counterparts.

Better health. Married men are healthier men. They stay healthier and live longer than their single or cohabiting peers. Just how much healthier are they? Take a look at these statistics: