The Art of Manliness: Classic Skills and Manners for the Modern Man (17 page)

10. Get the person off to a tire shop. Spare tires aren’t supposed to be driven on for long distances, so they’ll need to get their flat tire fixed and replaced as soon as possible.

How to Jump-Start a Car With Cables

Tools needed: Another car, jumper cables.

1. Make sure both cars are turned off.

2. Connect one end of the red (positive) jumper cable to the positive terminal on the stalled battery.

3. Then connect the other red (positive) cable clamp to the positive terminal of the good battery.

4. Connect one end of the black (negative) jumper cable to the negative terminal of the good battery.

5. Then connect the other black (negative) cable to a clean, unpainted metal surface under the disabled car’s hood. Somewhere on the engine block is a good place. Unless you want to see flying sparks and a possible explosion, do not connect the negative cable to the negative terminal of the dead battery.

6. Start the car that’s doing the jumping and allow it to run for about two to three minutes before starting the dead car.

7. Remove cables in reverse order of how you connected them.

8. Keep the jumped car running for at least thirty minutes to give the battery sufficient time to recharge itself.

9. Give yourself a pat on the back for a manly job well done.

How to Jump-Start a Car Without Cables

If the car has a standard transmission, you can jump-start that bad boy without using cables. Here’s how you do it.

Tools Needed: Elbow grease, a hill or compliant friends.

1. Find a stretch of downhill road that’s clear.

2. Fully depress the clutch and put the car in second gear.

3. Turn the ignition to the on position.

4. Take your foot off the brake and start rolling down the hill, keeping the clutch fully depressed.

5. Coast down the hill until you reach 5 to 7 miles per hour.

6. Release the clutch quickly. You should feel the engine turn and start. If it doesn’t start the first time, depress the clutch and release it again.

7. If you don’t have a hill, get some of your buddies to help push and follow the steps above.

Mayday! Mayday! Land a Plane in an Emergency

“Self-trust is the essence of heroism.”

—Ralph Waldo Emerson

We’ve all had the thought cross our mind while flying, “What if the pilot(s) somehow became incapacitated and I had to land this thing? What would I do?” Or maybe more timely for today’s world, “What if a terrorist takes over the plane, and I have to save the day by knocking him out with a Chuck Norris-style thump to the head?”

You’re a hero, boo-yah! But if the pilot’s unconscious, you may have to get the plane on the ground. Relax, it’s not as hard as it looks, and if you follow a few simple steps, you’ll be on the ground safely and in one piece for your press conference and hero shots.

Maintain Aircraft Control (Straight and Level)

When you first arrive in the cockpit, take the left seat if possible. This is generally where the captain or aircraft commander sits, and it often has easier access to some of the instruments you’ll need to fly. However, the majority of dual seat aircraft can be flown from either side.

As soon as you sit down, take a deep breath and look outside to see if the aircraft is in a dive, climb, turn, etc. If it appears to be straight and level, then don’t touch the flight controls; the autopilot is most likely on and there’s no need to interfere. If, however, the airplane is racing towards the ground or in a steep turn, you need to use the stick or yoke (pilot speak for steering wheel) to bring it back to level flight. Just like in the video games, you pull back on the yoke to make it climb, push forward to make it descend, and move it right or left to turn.

If you are in the clouds and can’t tell the attitude of the aircraft, it will be necessary to use the altitude indicator, also referred to as the artificial horizon. This is an instrument that gives a representation of the aircraft in relation to the ground and sky. If you’re on a jet of some sort, chances are high that it will be displayed on the screen directly in front of you. The W shape in the middle represents the wings of the aircraft, the brown represents ground and the blue represents sky. So if you see half brown, half blue it means you are in level flight, which is what you want. If you see anything else, make corrections with the stick as necessary to line up the wings of the aircraft with the horizon line.

Make a Radio Call

After you have the aircraft under control, the next step is to contact Air Traffic Control (ATC) over the radio to explain the situation and ask for help. The majority of aircraft have a radio mic switch on the yoke on the back where your index finger would rest when you grasped it normally. The problem is that the autopilot disconnect switch is often placed on the yoke as well and without proper knowledge of the autopilot system, an inadvertent disconnect of the autopilot could result in a major disaster. A safer alternative is using the handheld radio normally mounted to the left of the pilot’s seat just below the side window. Use it just like you would use a CB radio: Push to talk and release to listen.

Try making a call on the radio frequency currently selected and see if you get a response. Say “Mayday” and state who you are and what has happened. Don’t worry about radio etiquette; it’s an emergency, so just use plain English and tell them you don’t know what you’re doing and need some help. Don’t sound too panicked. You’re a man after all and completely in control of the situation.

Figure 3.13 Try making a call on the radio frequency currently selected and see if you get a response. Say “Mayday” and state who you are and what has happened.

After talking, remember to release the mic button to listen. If no one responds, try changing the VHF radio frequency to 121.5 MHz (this is known as “Guard” and is monitored by everyone). The radio unit will normally be located on the center pedestal in between the pilot’s and copilot’s seats or directly in front of you on the center panel.

Do What They Tell You

Just like in the movies, what happens next is various agencies will be notified of your emergency and experts will walk you through getting the plane on the ground. They’ll know the cockpit layout and be able to tell you where a button or switch is located and what you need to do with it. They’ll also be working in conjunction with ATC to navigate you to an airport where you will be able to land. As long as you follow their instructions to the letter, everything should turn out just fine. You may not have the prettiest landing, but you’ll survive.

Get It on the Ground

While many of today’s jets are fully automated, they can’t quite land themselves. But thankfully for you, they do have the capability to get you lined up on the runway’s center line on a proper glide path so that you can take over at 50–100 feet off the ground. All you will have to do manually is:

1. Flare (pull up slightly on the stick just prior to touchdown so the main gear hit first)

2. Fly the nosewheel to the ground (push the stick forward until the front touches down)

3. Pull the throttles all the way back

4. Step on the brakes which are located on the tops of the rudder pedals down by your feet.

If you find yourself veering off the runway, lightly step on the rudder pedals to steer yourself back to centerline.

You’ve landed! It’s incredible; you’re now the hero of the day! Next stop: ticker tape parade.

Chapter Four. The Lover

“He is not a lover who does not love forever.”

—Euripides

It used to be that a man worked hard to be worthy of a woman’s love. Instead of being mere sexual objects, women were seen as people who deserved the very best from a man. Men would direct all their sexual passions to becoming the best man they could be so they could win the heart of the woman they loved. During medieval times, knights lived by the code of chivalry, roaming the countryside and gallantly protecting and winning the hearts of damsels in distress. In the Victorian era, men sought to win the affections of ladies through elaborate rituals of calling cards, parlor visits, balls and buggy rides. When men went off to fight the Big One, the memory of a beautiful dame back home carried them through many a long and dark night in the belly of a submarine. In the 1950s, a man asked his favorite girl to go steady and proved his affections by pinning her with his fraternity badge.

Fast-forward to the modern day. Women no longer want to be rescued by a man, “hanging out” has supplanted dating and “going steady” has been resigned to the dust pile of embarrassing terms alongside “necking and petting.” Of course, one shouldn’t look to the past through the glasses of uncritical nostalgia. History may be filled with golden examples of romantic love, but it was also marked by the assumption of a woman’s inferiority. Yet in our attempt to completely equalize the relations between the sexes, the art of gentlemanly courtship was thrown out with the bathwater.

Ask any woman today what her biggest complaint is about men and she’ll probably tell you that there aren’t any real men to be found. What they see are a bunch of boys walking around in men’s bodies. But they’re looking for a man who will take care of them, a man who knows how to treat a lady. They’re looking for men who take initiative in a relationship and are willing to commit.

Unfortunately for women, these manly qualities are in short supply. Men have forgotten the art of romance and the responsibilities of love. Under the guise of equality, they’ve stopped working for a woman’s love altogether. They want the benefits of relationships without any of the responsibilities.

A woman can still be a man’s equal, and yet be worthy of being treated with honor, respect and swoon-worthy romance. Relationships should still involve affectionate courting, romantic traditions and a little mystery. Sure, this may sound old-fashioned and quaint. But with all the ills that plague modern relationships, perhaps we can take a lesson from our forebears. Reading the letters and hearing the stories of our grandparents reveals how happy they were together and how much affection they had for one another. Perhaps we, too, can experience the happiness and joy that comes with being a gentlemanly lover.

The Art of Chivalry

“The motto of chivalry is also the motto of wisdom; to serve all, but love only one.”

—Honore de Balzac

Thankfully society has made great strides in the area of gender equality. Gone are the days where women were considered property and were thought incapable of doing anything other than housework. Yet the equality of the sexes has made the polite way of interacting with women confusing to some men. Too many fellows mistake equality with absolute sameness and treat a lady like they would any other dude.

Women still want to be treated with class. So set yourself apart from the multitudes of cads out there by practicing the simple but effective art of chivalry.

One caveat: Be attentive to the desires of women. While many women appreciate these gestures, some feel uncomfortable with them. Respect the request of a woman who does not wish to be treated chivalrously.

Open the door. A gentleman will always open and hold the door for a lady. This rule applies to car doors as well, of course. Open the car door, wait until she is seated, then close it.

Figure 4.1 A gentleman will always open and hold the door for a lady.

Carry a handkerchief.
A clean hanky should be a part of every man’s arsenal, ready to be handed to a woman in distress. They’ll be especially useful at funerals or sad movies.

Retrieve dropped items.
The polite thing to do is help pick up a lady’s dropped items. Lend your fellow gents a hand, too.t

Walk beside a lady on the stairs.
Never walk behind a woman on the stairway.

Walk on the outside of a sidewalk.
This allows your lady to be farther from the traffic. This way, if someone is going to be splashed, it will be you, not her.

Give up your seat.
If a lady arrives at a table or boards a subway or bus, and there are no available seats, you should stand up and offer yours to her. This rule also applies to the elderly and physically handicapped of either gender.

Get out of your car.
When you pick up a date, get out of the car and come to her door. A honk or call from your cell phone letting her know you have arrived demonstrates a true lack of class.

Introduce her to people.
Whenever you run into acquaintances, introduce your date to them. This invites her into the conversation and doesn’t leave her standing there in social limbo.

Put on her coat.
Always help a lady put on her coat or overgarment. This simple gesture truly marks you as a gentleman.

Make sure she gets home safely.
You should always offer to walk or drive her home. If she doesn’t feel comfortable having you accompany her, put her in a cab and pay the driver.

Walk her to the door.
When the date is over, get out of the car and offer to walk her to the door. Don’t presume she wants you to go to the door because she might not yet be comfortable with you doing so. Even if your date declines, still get out of the vehicle, open her car door and bid her good night.

Pay attention to the weather.
If the weather is cold and your date is chilly, offer your jacket. If it’s raining, hold the umbrella. If it’s icy, snowing or pouring rain, play valet and go get the car so she doesn’t have to brave the elements.

Stop Hanging out With Women and Start Dating Them

“A single man has not nearly the value he would have in a state of union. He is an incomplete animal. He resembles the odd half of a pair of scissors.”

—Benjamin Franklin

Over the past few years, many social observers have noted that young adults are dating less. Instead, dating is being replaced by “hanging out” with members of the opposite sex. Dating and hanging out are two completely different things.

Hanging out consists of people getting together in groups and doing stuff together. The atmosphere is relaxed and relations in the group rarely rise above the level of friendship (or friendship with benefits).

Dating consists of pairing off with someone in a temporary commitment so you can get to know the person better and perhaps start a long-term relationship with them.

There is nothing wrong with hanging out, but it’s not a replacement for dating. Dating is the pathway to finding your true love. Love is a one-on-one relationship, so you need to start getting to know women on a one-on-one basis. Bottom line: Start dating and stop hanging out. It really is not that hard to get a date with a woman. Here are some guidelines to remember as you take hanging out up a level to dating.

She wants you to ask.
Despite the rhetoric you hear about the liberated woman, women still appreciate when guys ask them on a date. They like when men take the initiative. I’ve heard lots of successful young professional women lament the fact that men don’t ask them out. They’re beautiful, smart and charming, but don’t have a man. Be a man and ask these women on a date.

Asking is easy.
Asking a woman out on a date isn’t rocket science. When you ask, though, do it in person or over the phone. If you’re poking a woman you’re interested in on Facebook, you’re a
white-livered weakling
and lose any credibility as a man.

Keep dates simple.
Dates don’t have to be elaborate expensive affairs. Keep it simple. If you want to keep things informal, ask her out for lunch or coffee. If you want a more romantic date, have a picnic in the park. The whole point of dating is to get some one-on-one interaction with a woman to find out if she is someone you’d like to start a long-term relationship with. Simple and frequent dates will assist you in this.

Prepare for rejection.
Face it. Not every woman you ask out is going to say yes. Prepare for that. It’s no big deal if she says no. Think about it. You’re no worse off getting rejected than you were before you asked. You didn’t have a date with her before, you don’t have a date with her now. Your situation has not changed.

Manly Advice: The Brad Pitt Rule

So you’ve decided to stop hanging out with women and start dating them. Congrats. But negotiating the waters of dating can be tricky. A little bit of rejection is part of the game, but no man wants to make a frequent habit of it. Fortunately, there’s an almost fail proof way to know whether a lady is into you or not. The Brad Pitt Rule.Here’s how it works:

Call up the woman you like and ask her on a date. Did she say yes? Great, she probably likes you. What if she makes up an excuse for why she can’t go out? Now is the time to employ the Brad Pitt Rule.

Imagine that instead of you, Brad Pitt had asked this same woman out. Would she use the same excuse with him? If Brad Pitt asked her on a date, would she still say she had to study or was going to the movies with friends that night? Nope. She would have dropped pretty much anything and everything to be able to accept a date with Brad.

Now you’re not Pitt obviously. But if a woman is interested in you, she will drop her other plans to be available to go out with you.

Of course there are exceptions; the woman may have a legitimate reason she cannot make the date. Perhaps she has to work or go to a funeral. But if this is the case—and here is the real clincher—she will then suggest a different time for the date. She will say something along the lines of, “I can’t do it Saturday night; do you want to hang out next weekend instead?”

If she makes up an excuse and she does not suggest an alternative plan, you have been shut out. She is not interested. Do not ask her out again. Doing so will only result in awkwardness and you feeling like an emasculated mass of inanity.