The Art of Manliness: Classic Skills and Manners for the Modern Man (21 page)

5. Scrub up and prepare the birthing area.
You don’t want to risk giving the baby or Mom an infection by handling them with your grubby paws. Wash your hands and arms with hot water and plenty of antibacterial soap. Birth is a messy process, so make sure you place clean sheets or a shower curtain under Mom. You’ll also need to have some clean towels handy to wipe off and wrap up the newly arrived bundle of joy. If you’re in a taxi, you can use your shirt.

6. Watch and guide.
Nature is pretty dang amazing. For the most part the baby doesn’t need much assistance to make it into the world. Avoid barking instructions for your wife to push and breathe. You’ll just stress her out and cause her to possibly push when she shouldn’t. Let her push when it feels natural. When the head makes it out of the vagina, the baby will turn to one side. That’s completely normal. He or she is just trying to get in the best position to make an escape. Simply place your hand under the baby’s head and gently guide it downward. Don’t try to speed the process along by pulling on the baby. Just gently guide the shoulders out, one at a time. As the baby makes his entrance into the world, be ready to receive him; babies are slippery!

7. Rub the baby down.
Take that clean towel and gently rub the baby down to clean off the fluid and blood. The rubbing will also help stimulate the baby so it starts breathing. Wipe any fluids out of its nose and mouth. If you have a straw, take it and suction out the fluids by inserting the straw into the nostril and then placing your finger on the open end. No need for holding it upside down and slapping its tush. That practice went away along with polio and celebratory cigars in the waiting room. Just place the baby, skin to skin, on Mom’s stomach and cover the new arrival with a towel or shirt.

8. Don’t cut or tie the cord.
Wait for a trained professional to do this.

9. Deliver the placenta.
About fifteen to thirty minutes after the baby is delivered, Mom will expel the placenta, the sack that’s been nurturing your baby for the past five months. When you see the placenta start coming out, don’t pull on it to make it come out faster; just let it slip out naturally. If it’s not coming out right away, you can massage the mother’s abdomen to help it along.

10. Get medical attention ASAP.
By now the ambulance should be there. If not, get Mom and new baby to the hospital as soon as possible so doctors can take care of the umbilical cord and examine the goods.

11. Bully for you!
You’re a dad. And you didn’t even have to boil any water!

Change a Diaper

A new baby is a poop and pee machine. You’ll be amazed that such a small person can produce so much waste. With a newborn, you can expect to change a diaper every two hours. That’s twelve changes in a single twenty-four-hour day! Wowza! As the baby gets older, the changings will get less frequent, but you’ll still be plowing through a lot of diapers. Unfortunately science has yet to create a self-cleaning baby, so it’s up to you and your wife to clean your little champ/princess and keep their waste-producing faculties in shipshape condition. If you’re working while your wife is at home, she’ll probably be saddled with much of the diaper-changing responsibility; a dirty diaper waits for no man. But whenever you’re home, you need to put that clothespin on your nose and get to work.

1. Assess the damage.
If you smell something funky, you know you need to change your little turd machine’s diaper. When you go to check the damage, be prepared for anything. You might have just a small little nugget waiting for you, or you could have a runny, hazardous waste explosion that has left the confines of the diaper. If it’s the latter, it’s best to move the baby near the bath, so you can thoroughly clean him or her.

2. Get your materials.
Grab a clean diaper and five or six baby wipes. Place them to the side.

3. Put your gas mask on and assume the position.
If your baby is formula fed, be prepared for a gut-wrenching, nauseating smell. If your baby is breastfed, the smell isn’t quite as bad. If you have boy, it’s always a good idea to juke to the side lest his little sprinkler baptize you into the Church of the Yellow Stream.

4. Undo the dirty diaper and lift your baby’s butt off the diaper.
Lifting of the tukus can be done by grabbing your baby’s ankles and gently lifting their feet into the air. Use a clean part of the dirty diaper to wipe any excess poo from the baby’s behind.

5. Wipe.
With your baby’s little butt lifted off the ground, grab a baby wipe and start wiping front to back. The front to back motion reduces the chance of spreading bacteria into their privates, which can cause a urinary tract infection. Make sure you don’t miss a spot. Place the used wipes on top of the soiled diaper. Then, with your baby’s feet still suspended in the air, remove the soiled diaper.

6. Close the dirty diaper and dispose.
Fold the diaper on itself with the hazardous waste and used wipes still in it. Use the sticky tabs to make a tight bundle. Hook shot the used diaper into the diaper bin.

7. Slide the new diaper under your progeny.
In order for a diaper to function correctly, it needs to be on right. If you have it on backwards, you’ll have a bigger mess to clean next time. The back of the diaper has the sticky tabs on it. Lay your baby down on this part.

8. Check for rashes and treat accordingly.
If your baby has a case of diaper rash, apply some ointment to it.

9. Pat dry.
If you want to avoid diaper rashes, make sure your baby’s bottom is nice and dry. With a name like “baby powder” you’d think a little of that white stuff would be just the thing, but it isn’t. Powder can cause potential lung problems if your baby inhales it. Try cornstarch instead.

10. Bring up the front of the diaper and attach the tabs.
You want it tight enough so that it doesn’t slide off but not so tight it cuts off circulation to your baby’s legs. Most disposable diapers have little ruffles around the leg. Make sure those are sticking out, or you’ll have some leaking problems.

11. Give your baby a high five.

Quiet a Crying Baby

“Being a great father is like shaving. No matter how good you shaved today, you have to do it again tomorrow.”

—Reed Markham

Before you became a new dad, you probably imagined fatherhood idyllically, with you holding an ever-smiling, giggling, cooing baby. When it’s 3
a.m.
and your baby once again rouses you from sleep with his supersonic cries, the reality of being a dad sets in. You walk to the crib, look down, and wonder, “Short of throwing him out the window, how can I get this little person to be quiet?” With a little practice and some know-how, you’ll be able to calm your baby’s
caterwauls
so you and your wife can get a bit more sleep at night and a tad more sanity during the day.

Why Is This Kid Crying?!

Although it might seem like it, babies don’t generally cry for the heck of it. Babies cry when they need something. It’s their only form of communication for a year and a half. So the first step in quieting your baby is to decipher the source of their wailing.

After you get to know your baby, you might be able to sense subtle differences in his cries indicating that he wants certain things. Until you achieve that sort of familiarity, it’s basically going to be trial and error in discovering what’s irking your scream machine.

Below we’ve included some common reasons a baby cries and what you can do to remedy the problem.

Hungry.
If your baby just woke up or has a full load in his pants, his tummy is probably empty. Give him to Mom or give him a bottle.

Tired.
If your baby’s crying has lots of intermittent yawning, the little guy is probably tuckered out. Lay him down for a nap.

Discomfort.
Just like you, your baby gets too hot or too cold. Unlike you, your baby can’t adjust the thermostat or strip down to his diaper. Also, laying in your own urine and fecal matter isn’t very comfortable. If it feels too cold or hot, adjust the temp. If your baby has soiled his diaper, change it.

Sickness.
When your baby’s sick, the cry might be more of a whimper. Check him to see if he has a fever or other signs of illness, and if the symptoms are serious, call your doctor.

Overstimulation.
Sometimes things just get too crazy for your baby. The womb was a pretty boring place, so a baby’s brain can only take so much stimulation. Whisk the little guy to a quiet place and rock the jitters away.

Loneliness.
The world is a big confusing place for your new baby. If he wakes up and no one familiar is around, he’ll start to feel lonely. He can’t seek solace by listening to The Cure, so in the beginning, pick him up and hang out with him. Then gradually teach him to soothe himself by going in less often and letting him cry himself to sleep.

Fussiness.
If you’ve got a persnickety baby on your hands, stick a pacifier in her mouth, or put on some soothing music. Some parents have had success taking their little one for a drive in the back of a car. Anyone who’s been on a road trip knows that the moving automobile has a very womb-like quality to it.

Manly Advice: What if I Have a Colicky Baby?

If your baby keeps caterwauling no matter what you do, you might have a colicky baby on your hands. Colicky babies have predictable, reoccurring and intense crying fits that last for hours. Your baby may also clench his fists and bring his legs into his stomach. To quiet a colicky baby, you need an attack plan. Here’s yours:

Swaddle him like baby Jesus.
Get a blanket and wrap your baby up in a little baby burrito. This will make him feel warm and secure. Black beans and salsa are optional.

Figure 5.3 Get a blanket and wrap your baby up in a little baby burrito. This will make him feel warm and secure.

Rock her.
Gently rock your baby. If your arms get tired, strengthen them by doing push-ups. In the meantime, let technology do the work for you by putting your baby in one of those automatic rockers.

Create some white noise.
It’s counterintuitive, but many babies need noise to fall asleep. The womb was a noisy place with all those bodily fluids flowing hither and thither. While rocking your swaddled baby, make a “shhhhh” noise. If that doesn’t work, try running the vacuum cleaner or put your baby near the clothes dryer. You can also take your baby for a late-night drive. Pick up some Taco Bell for yourself while you’re out.

Give him the pacifier.
Sucking on things can be comforting to a baby. Stick a pacifier into his wailing mouth and let the magical plastic teat quickly soothe his manic cries.

Balance Work and Family

“For unflagging interest and enjoyment, a household of children, if things go reasonably well, certainly all other forms of success and achievement lose their importance by comparison.”