The Art of Manliness: Classic Skills and Manners for the Modern Man (22 page)

—Theodore Roosevelt

Back in your grandpa’s time, a man was just expected to bring home the bacon and was excused from being too hands-on in the child rearing department. Today’s man is expected to be both a provider and a highly involved parent. These two demands can burn out even the strongest of men. Here are a few suggestions on how to be a corporate warrior and a superdad at the same time.

Have family dinner.
Studies have shown children from families that have meals together do better in school and are less likely to get involved with drugs. Make it home each evening to have dinner with your family. If this means getting to work extra early in the morning, so be it. At mealtime, ask about what’s going on in your kid’s life. If you can get home early enough, cook dinner with your kids.

Take each kid out once a month for dad time.
Each month, set aside a date night for each kid. Take them out individually and do something they enjoy. It’s a great way to get one-on-one time with each kid and ensure that jealousy between siblings remains in check.

Limit work on weekends and holidays.
Try to devote your time off from work to your family. Sure, you’ll have to spend time doing chores and running errands to get ready for the next week, but you can kill two birds (and rake many more leaves) by getting your children involved with those tasks.

Use your vacation.
Many Americans are
working like grave diggers
and taking less and less of their vacation time. Don’t be one of these men. Use your full two weeks and take your family on the great American road trip or on a camping adventure in a national park. Don’t bring along your laptop or Blackberry. Family vacations will be some of your kids’ best childhood memories. Don’t deny them these experiences by being a workaholic.

Take your kid to work with you for the day.
You’ll get to spend some quality bonding time together. And your kid will see what Dad does all day and will better understand why you can’t be home all the time.

Make it to all your kids’ activities.
Even if this means bringing some work with you to do during the time-outs and halftime of their football game, at least you are there. It will mean a lot to your kid to see their dad in the stands rooting them on.

Schedule a weekly Family Night.
Make this a nonnegotiable date, and schedule all other activities around it. Play board games, watch a video or go out and get some ice cream.

Tuck your kids in bed and read them a book.
Bedtimes routines aren’t just for tykes. Even when your kid gets older, make it a tradition to read to them. You can move from
The Very Hungry Caterpillar
to
Treasure Island
as they grow up.

Figure 5.4 Bedtimes routines aren’t just for tykes. Even when your kid gets older, make it a tradition to read to them.

Raise Resilient Kids

“It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men.”

—Frederick Douglass

Today it’s hard not to notice that kids are becoming less resilient and more clueless on how to survive in the real world. There’s a proliferation of
unlicked cubs
that whine when they don’t get what they want and think they are entitled to all the comforts of the world without having to lift a finger. As a dad, you can prevent the wussification of your children. Here are six ways fathers can raise strong, resilient, independent children.

1. Give them some independence.
Kids can’t venture a half a mile from their homes these days without parents worrying for their safety. This culture of obsessive overprotectiveness is bred by the media. As the twenty-four-hour news networks and people like Nancy Grace regurgitate stories of abduction over and over and over again, it begins to seem like the world outside your suburban castle is a very dangerous place indeed. Yet the reality is very different from how the media spins it. The chance of your child being taken by a stranger is more than one in a million, and 90 percent of sexual abuse cases are committed by someone the victim knows. There’s a far greater chance of your child dying in the SUV you pick him up from school in than there is in letting him walk home.

So don’t coddle your kids by keeping them under lock and key and only letting them out if you can keep a constant eye on them. You’re squelching their development and sense of independence. Teach your kids how to stay out of trouble and away from strangers, and then turn them loose to ride their bikes, roam the neighborhoods, run errands and walk to school by themselves.

2. Let them do unsafe things.
Everything today is childproof and fun proof. Have you been to a playground lately? Did you notice what was missing? Teeter-totters, merry-go-rounds and sometimes even swings are going extinct, replaced by plastic-coated, low-to-the-ground snooze-inducing apparatuses. Some playgrounds even have signs that say “no running.” I kid you not. While these changes are often pushed by city managers worried about liability, parents are equally at fault in trying to clear any dangers from the path of their children. They fail to understand that while sticking kids in a protective bubble may keep them safe in the short term, it leaves them more vulnerable down the road. Some lessons in safety must be learned from trial and error. If children don’t learn to deal with dangerous tools and situations growing up, when they finally leave the nest, they may lack the skills necessary to negotiate the real world.

3. Don’t be their best friend.
While many parents today strive to be their children’s best friend, this is fundamentally the wrong way to raise a child. Parents want to believe they can be their child’s bosom buddy because they enjoy such a healthy, close relationship. The reality is that parents want to be their child’s buddy because they’re afraid of their kid not liking them. But parenting is not a popularity contest. Being a true parent means that sometimes you have to lay down the rules, and oftentimes your kid is not going to like it. While tough love may be painful for both child and parent in the short term, it greatly benefits both in the long term. Kids don’t need a pal; they need an authority figure. Deep down, they
do
want someone to give them boundaries and structure. Best friends are equals; parents and children are not. If you insist on being your kids’ best friend, a situation will inevitably arise where you finally try to reign them in and make them respect you. But it will be too late; they’ll feel free to toss your advice aside like they would for any friend.

Figure 5.5 Parenting is not a popularity contest. Being a true parent means that sometimes you have to lay down the rules, and oftentimes your kid is not going to like it.

4. Don’t automatically take their side.
While it’s natural to think the best of your children, don’t be overly defensive when others criticize them. Teachers and friends typically do not have ulterior motives when sharing a story of your child’s misbehavior. As outside observers, they may have valuable insight into something about your kid that you have overlooked and need to address. Your child needs to earn your trust, just as anyone else does. Don’t give it to them automatically.

5. Make them work for what they get.
If children are not given responsibilities and work at a young age, it’s harder to instill the ethic when they’re older. You’re doing your child a great disservice if you buy every stinking thing they want. Sure, it’s easier to buy them the ten dollar toy just to shut down their tantrum. But all you’re doing is conditioning them to the idea that if you whine enough, you’ll get what you want.

By encouraging your children to work for what they get, you’ll be teaching them essential skills they will carry with them the rest of their life. Not only will they develop an appreciation for work, they’ll learn valuable lessons in money management, responsibility and initiative.

During the early 1900s, kids were working sixty hours a week in factories and coal mines. While it was a deplorable situation, it shows that kids are capable of taking on far greater tasks than parents today are willing to give them. They may no longer have to break slate, but they can at least clean the bathroom and mow the lawn.

6. Don’t praise them indiscriminately.
What’s the point of an award if everyone gets one? What’s the point in striving to be your best, if everyone is equally rewarded? In such situations, praise loses all of its meaning, even for those who really deserve it. Every parent believes their kid is special; that’s natural. But if you heap enormous and unwarranted praise on your kids, it’s going to end up debilitating them. Praising your child indiscriminately sends the message that praise is not earned, it is something one is naturally entitled to. And it will end up dissolving their competitive drive. These children grow up believing they can do anything and everything well. As adults, they become restless at every job, forever unsure of which field is best suited for their “infinite” talents.

The reality is that there are certain things we are good at, and certain things we are not. If you praise your kids for everything, they’ll have a harder time honing in on their true abilities and strengths. So instead of praising them indiscriminately, center your praise on specific achievements. For example, say, “You did a great job on your math test.” Not, “You are so smart and wonderful!”

Teach Your Kid to Ride a Bike

It’s a rite of passage every child must go through—learning how to ride a bike. While the path to bike riding mastery is often strewn with scraped elbows and bruised knees, it’s a skill they’ll never forget. As their dad, you have the honor of guiding your child through one of suburbia’s most important coming-of-age rituals. Here’s how you can quickly get your child up, riding and experiencing the most exhilarating sense of freedom a six-year-old can enjoy: pedaling away from their parents.

Start ’em young with a tricycle.
Get your kid a tricycle when he’s just a few years old. The tricycle will teach him two important biking skills: steering and pedaling. What’s great about tricycles is that they can be used inside, so your kid can practice his skills on the safety of your hardwood floors (provided Mom approves).

Graduate to training wheels.
Once your child has the steering and pedaling thing down, it’s time to upgrade to a bike with training wheels. Training wheels enable her to learn two additional biking skills: balance and braking. Find a bike that’s appropriate for her height and attach the training wheels. The key to effectively using training wheels is to gradually adjust their height. When first starting out, angle the wheels so that they are in constant contact with the ground. This provides maximum stability for your fledging biker. Then, as she gets more comfortable on the bike, increasingly angle the wheels off the ground. This allows the bike to tilt to the side and helps your child learn how to balance.