The Beginning of Us (190 page)

When Reid comes back into the room, I pretend to be asleep. He spoons up behind me and nuzzles his lips up against my neck, kissing me in that sweet spot that sends shivers down my spine.

“Rain check on the massage, too, baby?”

My heart thaws a little at the tender tone of his words. “Is that okay? I think I’m even too tired to simply roll over.” I know I’m being foolish, shutting him out like this, but feeling his hands all over my body while thinking about him possibly being with someone else has my insides churning. I know if he starts touching me, I’ll break down.

“Shh. It’s okay. Let’s just sleep. I love you, Maddy. I love you so much. I don’t know where I would be without you in my life. Thank you for giving me the chance to prove to you that I’m not a complete and total asshole.”

I feel his smile against my neck. I want to believe him, and there’s a very large part of me that does. Hell, four hours ago there wouldn’t have been a doubt in my mind that he loves me and that he means every word he just said. But now -- now everything is different. I don’t want it to be, but it is. Even though I’m afraid he’s going to crush me, that this girl, whoever she is, is going to come between us, I can’t help but tell him that I love him, too.

Because I do. I love him so much. But love makes you weak, vulnerable.

It makes me everything I’ve been trying not to be.

*****

It’s the Sunday after Thanksgiving, and I still haven’t found the courage to talk to Reid about the situation with the phone calls. I was able to avoid seeing him on Friday, since Momma, Mel, Cammie, Lia, and I hit up a bunch of Black Friday sales. Because Saturday was Momma’s last day here, I was able to use spending time with her as an excuse to avoid him. I know I’ve been a coward, and I’m ashamed of myself that today I just pretended to be busy studying for finals, which start tomorrow.

I’m sitting on my bed back at my dorm stuck in a heated debate with myself over what to do about it all. I know that I can’t talk to Mel about it. As much as she loves me, I know she and Reid are friends, too. Don’t get me wrong -- if Reid and I ever broke up, I’d like to think that Mel would be “Team Maddy,” but I just don’t want her to have to get involved until I know for certain what’s going on.

I think I’ve figured out a way to get to the bottom of all of this. I nervously dial the digits of the number I’ve been dreading to call. I know that once I make this call, I’ll have my answers. Whether they are the answers I want or not, I don’t know; only time will tell. I steel my resolve and dial.

The other line picks up on the second ring, and a deep male voice carries over the receiver.

“Hello?”

“Hi, Bryan. It’s Maddy, Mel’s roommate.”

“Oh, hi, Maddy. I didn’t recognize your number. What’s up?”

“Um, well, I kind of have a favor to ask you.”

“ Okay, sure. What can I do for you?” He’s such a good guy.

“Well, I figured since you’re, like, a tech-god, that you’d be able to help me figure out who a cell phone number belongs to and help me do a little digging into who they are.” I really don’t want to give him too much more than that. It’s unfair to expect him not to lie to Mel. They’re getting along so great, and I would hate myself if I put anything between them.

“What’s it for, Maddy? I don’t usually do that kind of stuff.” He sounds unsure.

I know I’m going to have to give him something, so I do what anyone in my situation would do: I lie. “I’ve been getting a ton of calls from this number that I don’t know. I’m not sure who it is, and I’m worried that it’s that guy Mike who tried to drug me earlier in the semester. I can’t remember if I gave him my number, but I think I might have. I’m just worried that he’s stalking me or something. I don’t want to get Melanie all worried, and I sure as hell don’t want Reid to flip out over this. I just figured you were a good place to start.” I’m all but pouting at him, and then I realize he can’t see me.

Dork.

“Oh, wow. I didn’t realize it was for something like that. Yeah, of course I’ll look into it. I’ll see what I can do. And I won’t say anything to anyone until we know some details.”

“Thanks, Bryan. You’re good peeps.” As I give him the number, I feel my guilt start to consume me. 

“No problem. I’ll call you when I figure anything out.”

I feel like a horrible person when I hang up with Bryan. I’m glad I’m all alone so that I can wallow in my own self-pity over this whole fucked-up mess. I don’t need anyone seeing me like this. I’ve never been so thankful that all of the girls are out. Mel picked up another shift at the lab, and Cammie and Lia are at the library. They are incapable of studying here. Everything distracts them.

I could use a distraction. But instead, I’ve got nothing but silence and my own thoughts. On the one hand, Reid has been nothing short of amazing. And I love him, I really do. He loves me, too. That much is clear. But even if we do love each other, is that enough? I don’t think I can ever get past cheating. Then again, on the other hand, he might not be cheating.

The more I think about it, the more I lean toward him not being a cheater. It just goes against everything I know about him. He’s even said it himself, that no one knows him better than I do, and I just can’t imagine him turning to someone else for any kind of physical contact when he really does seem to be happy with me.

And then there’s the impossible-to-ignore fact that he makes me happier than I’ve ever been in my life. I could be lame and quote some cheesy-ass chick flick saying that he completes me, but that’s a load of crap. He doesn’t make me whole; he doesn’t erase the pain I’ve felt for most of my life. Being with him isn’t some cure-all to everything I’ve ever dealt with, but when I’m with him, I’m me. I’m the person I have always wanted to be – fun, lighthearted, playful, flirty, sexy, seductive, and loving. He’s opened me up to the possibility of a completely different future than I ever envisioned for myself – a future that I just can’t imagine him not being a part of.

If I’m being completely honest with myself, I know in my heart that he isn’t cheating. I think I’m just using the idea of him being a cheater to protect my heart from the pain of whatever secret it is that he’s hiding from me. I’m bracing myself for the unknown.

Before I drift off to sleep, my last visions are of Reid and me making love, and I remember the vows I made to myself back when the semester started, and ironically all three apply here.

I will choose to be happy and not let this – whatever it is – get in the way of here and now. There’s no sense in getting all upset over something that could be nothing.

I will appreciate the beauty in everything that Reid and I are together – in everything that we bring out in each other.

I’ve already let love in. He’s not only in my heart; he owns it. Now I just have to keep him there and never let him go.

Chapter 14

Reid

It’s the Monday of finals week – my last finals week – and I’m anxiously waiting at a table in the student café, waiting for my weekly lunch date with Melanie. Hanging out with Mel makes me fall even more in love with Maddy, if that’s possible. Melanie is like the little sister I never had, and I can’t help but smile and laugh when I’m around her. Mel’s happiness is that infectious.

Rather than getting straight to business – a.k.a. pulling one over on Maddy – I try for some normal conversation first.

“So how do you feel about your finals?”

She gives me the side-eye. She knows me too well at this point. “Oh, cut the crap, Reid. I see it in your eyes. What are you up to now?”

I fake a wounded look, but again she sees through it, so I just come clean. “Well, I’m graduating, and I thought what better way to celebrate that than with a vacation. It’s too damn cold up here in the winter, so I was thinking of taking Maddy away somewhere. You know, to celebrate me being done with this place and all. Well, done until my internship starts, but in my head I’m done.”

It has nothing to do with me wanting to see Maddy in a bikini for a week.

Or out of a bikini, for that matter.

Nope, not that at all.

“Eww! You are so thinking about her naked right now. You’ve got that far off-look in your eyes.” She throws a French fry at me.

I don’t admit that she’s right. I can daydream about my girlfriend – my hot, naked girlfriend - all I want.

“ Okay. Okay. I’ll help. You know I always do. So what do you need from me?” she asks.

“Well, has she ever wanted to go anywhere specific? I’d like to do something tropical, far away from this frigid wasteland. We’ve both had a really rough semester, and I’d like to just have her all to myself for a week.”

Melanie seems lost in thought. I can see her raking through her Maddy-files to try to dig up some useful tidbit for me. Then the light bulb goes off over her head.

“Well, it’s not tropical, but it’s still a beach, so I’m not sure if you’ll be interested. When we were in high school, I remember her mentioning something about wanting to go to Montauk Point out on Long Island. After her parents died and she moved in with her Aunt Maggie, she never had the chance to go back home again. I never asked her why going to Montauk was special – if it was a family vacation spot or something like that. She didn’t seem like she really wanted to talk about it, and she never mentioned it again. I remember her being very lost in thought while we were talking about it.”

“That’s perfect, Mel. Thanks.” The wheels are definitely turning in my head.

“Sure, no problem. So much for seeing her in a bathing suit for the week, huh? I mean, it’s not much warmer down there than it is up here.” She thinks she’s pulled one over on me. She thinks she’s so funny.

I lean in across the table and almost whisper, “There’s always the hot tub, Mel.”

*****

Maddy

It’s Wednesday morning, and I’m walking across campus to meet Bryan at the computer lab. He said he’s found out some information for me, and since Mel is busy at her economics final this morning, now is the perfect time for us to meet without anyone else finding out. I wonder if this is how Mel and Reid felt when they had lunch together that first time, like they were sneaking around, doing something they knew they weren’t supposed to be doing. There’s a big difference here, though; their intentions were always good. I have to admit that I feel like I’m sneaking around behind Reid’s back.

Absolutely nothing is going on with Bryan and me, but it just feels wrong. Whoever is attached to this number is a part of Reid’s life and not mine. And I went and just took it from him.

Bryan greets me warmly from behind his desk. It’s funny; I’ve seen him hundreds of times since Mel started dating him, and even though I know he is one, he’s never struck me as the geeky type. Yet seeing him here sitting high atop his desk like he’s King of the Computerland or something like that that makes me chuckle.

“Hey, Maddy. How are you? How did your psych final go yesterday?”

I know he’s genuinely interested because he helped me study the other night when he was over. “Ehh – I’ve been so distracted with everything that I’ll just be happy if I pass.” I’m really quite conscientious about my grades. Failing for me is getting anything less than an A, so for me to say that I’d be happy to get a D means some serious shit is going on upstairs.

Anxious to get this over with, I ask, “So what did you find, Bryan?”

He looks at me intently before saying, “Well, you’ll be glad to know that it wasn’t Mike who was calling you.” He’s searching my face for a relieved look, but it’s not there. When he doesn’t see it, he continues. “Which, by the look on your face, isn’t a surprise. What is this really about, Maddy?” His tone has changed; he’s all stern and serious now. He’s got me figured out already, and we’re only a few sentences into this conversation.

Shit.

Time to come clean, Maddy.

He stares me down for a few long moments, and I have no choice but to own up to the truth. If I don’t, he’ll just withhold the information I’m waiting on.

“You’re right, Bryan. This was never about Mike.” I take a deep breath, searching for the words. “It’s Reid. He keeps getting calls from this number, and he’s always on his phone. One night while he was in the shower, I looked through his call history and copied down the number. I figured you were my best bet at finding anything out. So did you find anything?”

He looks disappointed in me. Hell, I’m disappointed in me.

“What did you think I would find, Maddy? You know Reid loves you, right? Why didn’t you just go to him with this?”

His questions make me feel so incredibly guilty. Right now I wish I had just gone to Reid. It would have saved me so much restlessness this week.

“I don’t know. I mean, I have issues with letting people get too close. Reid has obviously worked past those issues, but when I saw the calls, my first thought was that he was cheating on me. I knew I just had to protect myself in case he actually was. It’s foolish, really, because if I find out he’s cheating, whether he tells me on his own or I find out through you, it will break my heart just the same.”

Bryan sees that this conversation is getting a bit too deep for the main room of the computer lab, so he pulls me off to a smaller section that no one is using. He powers up a computer and sits down in front of the screen.