The Beginning of Us (193 page)

“Just get changed and get your sweet ass in my car. I got this.” He leans back against the counter and crosses his legs in front of him. Tapping the face of his watch, he says, “Let’s get a move on.”

Five minutes and a completely pointless conversation with Mel about where Reid is taking me later, I’m walking out of my dorm and into the dark of the night to drive to some unknown location that my incredibly sweet boyfriend has determined to be an excellent vacation spot.

I can’t help but think that maybe this little vacation will give me the perfect opportunity to get everything off my chest. Smiling a little, I laugh at the idea that I’ll have the whole week to make everything up to him.

About an hour into our road trip, Reid stops at a gas station, and I am feeling sick to my stomach. I’ve never been good on long car rides. But this time is much worse because of all of the crap I ate earlier.

As Reid walks past my door to go inside to pay the attendant, he leans in the window and asks if I want anything.

“Dramamine, please. I’m not feeling so hot.” I know my insides are also churning for reasons other than the car sickness and bellyache, but I won’t share that with him just yet.

“Sure thing, babe. Be right out.” He kisses me briefly before walking away.

When he comes back to the car, he hands me my pills and a bottle of water. Reaching into the back seat, he pulls out a small travel pillow and a blanket.

“Why don’t you close your eyes and sleep a little?”

He kisses my forehead as he drapes the blanket around me. I recline the seat a little to try to get comfortable, and before I know it I’m drifting off to a peaceful slumber where little old lobsters walk around with their one true love.

*****

When I wake up a few hours later, it’s still dark. I don’t recognize where we are, not that there’s much around that would really help distinguish our location. The highway is small, two lanes in each direction, and it’s lined with tall pine trees. There aren’t any shopping centers or gas stations to note. There aren’t many other people on the road, either.

I pull the seat up and stretch a little before I lean my head over to rest on Reid’s shoulder.

“Where are we?” My voice is soft, sleepy.

“Somewhere.” 

Okay, I see how it is. He’s not going to tell me anything until we’re there. “Is it even worth it for me to ask any more questions?”

“You can ask whatever you’d like, sweetie, but I’m not answering anything.” He looks down at his watch and then glances out to the horizon. “Besides, we should be there soon.”

I relent and just nuzzle up close to him. It’s quiet and peaceful anyway, so I enjoy the silence. The only thing I hear is the rumble of the Mustang, and the only thing I feel is the beating of Reid’s heart beneath my hand.

After a few minutes, the sun begins peeking its head up over the horizon. It’s absolutely beautiful. Shades of red and orange dance with one another. They mingle and intertwine, creating colors that have never been seen before, that will never be seen again. As the sun gains height in the sky, the colors transform into a soft fuchsia and violet combination that is more beautiful than any picture of the sunrise I’ve ever seen before.

Reid catches me gazing out at the scene before me, and he smiles. This must have been part of his plan. He’s so incredible.

“It’s beautiful, Reid. Did you time it this way? I mean, is that why we left when we did?”

“Maybe. And yes, it’s beautiful, but not as beautiful as you.” He kisses the tip of my nose before returning his attention to the road.

We drive a little farther, and I’m so lost in the stunning sunrise before us that I’m not paying attention to much else. Before long, I see a lighthouse come into view. The pines have disappeared, and a smooth, flat landscape rises up to greet us. I look up and see a sign that tells me we’re five miles away from Montauk Point.

I can’t speak. I can’t think. Time stands still, and, while I’m sure that the rest of the world is still going about its business, for me everything has stopped.

A few minutes later, Reid pulls into a small parking lot that leads down to the beach. Before he turns off the ignition, I somehow register that Imagine Dragons’ “It’s Time” is playing over the radio. There’s no other song that’s more fitting for what I’m about to do.

Reid gets out of the car and walks around the hood to come open my door. He grabs my hand and pulls me out of my seat. I hold on to him for balance -- for strength, really.

“Still in a daze from sleeping, huh? Come on -- let’s take a walk down by the water. The sea air will wake you up.”

I can’t respond; my voice is stuck behind the huge lump of emotion forming in my throat, so I just take his hand and walk.

We reach the water’s edge, and the loud crash of the foamy white waves is both frenetic and soothing at the same time. The sand beneath my feet is soft and it gives under my weight, allowing my feet to sink in a little deeper. The water is lapping over my sneakers and is beginning to soak my feet. At the feel of the salt water on my skin, I collapse under the weight of my memories.

I don’t brace myself for the fall. My bottom crashes down into the wet sand, and my palms are scratched by the abrasive surface beneath me. I try to keep my emotions at bay, but, like the water moving before me, they’re too powerful, too huge to reel in. No longer having the energy to keep it all inside, I begin crying – full body-wracking sobs. Reid is beside me in an instant, holding me tight to his side, running calming fingers through my hair as he tries desperately to calm me down.

“Maddy…I…I don’t know what to say. What’s wrong, baby? Please talk to me. I hate seeing you like this. Please tell me what I did wrong.”

His voice is barely above a whisper, or maybe it’s a normal volume, but I just can’t hear it above the sound of my sobbing cries.

Rubbing circles on my back, he says, “Shh. Shh. It’s okay. I’m here for you. I’m so sorry, baby. I just wanted to take you away to somewhere relaxing. Melanie said you always wanted to come here, and I just thought…oh, God, I don’t know what I thought. I’m so sorry I upset you. Please talk to me. I want to make it better. Please.”

I can hear his voice a bit more clearly now that my tears are lessening, and there’s a rising panic in it.

He shifts slightly so that we can look at each other. He cups his palms around my face and swipes his thumbs under my eyes to wipe away the tears. It’s pointless, really, because more follow in their wake. His deep blue eyes search mine for some kind of answer, for some semblance of the Maddy he knows, but I just can’t find her right now.

All I can muster up is the ten-year-old version of me, who stood in a place not unlike this one. The words of the priest echo in the background noise of my brain. I can feel Aunt Maggie’s hand squeezing mine lightly, the wind caressing the skin on my face, the sun forcing me to squint my eyes a little.  I feel the gut-wrenching pain – the kind of pain that is so much worse than any actual physical wound. The physical kind of hurt can be bandaged; it will heal in time. But the emotional wounds never heal fully, and they are so easily reopened, even when you think they’ve scabbed over. The scars remain, and mine have been brought right back to the surface.

In the scene that’s replaying in my mind, the priest is saying something about them “eternally resting in peace.” Aunt Maggie urges me forward, closer to the water. A small wave laps up over my shiny new black dress shoes. It’s cold, so cold, but I actually welcome the numbing feeling it brings. At the same time, we both drop two red roses into the deep blue water before us – one for each of my parents.

The priest begins saying the words of the Lord’s Prayer as he opens the urn that holds their ashes. Blessing what remains of my parents, he scatters their ashes into the wind, and then they’re gone. They’re off in their heaven, dancing to no music for no reason, riding the endless waves of the sea to the farthest corners of the world, leaping across the stars in the night sky,
forming
the clouds into whimsical
shapes
.

I’m brought back to the here and now by Reid’s voice, which, like mine, is laced with thick emotion. He’s on the edge of tears, and I realize that I still haven’t said anything.

Reid squeezes my hand and looks into my eyes, begging me to say something.

“You didn’t do anything wrong, Reid. Please believe me. You couldn’t have known what this place means to me. No one knows. I don’t think I even shared it with Melanie in all the years I’ve known her.”

“Will you share it with me? It’s obviously important, and I want to be here for you.”

I see a tear trickling down his cheek at the thought that he’s brought me pain somehow. I wipe it away with the pad of my thumb and lean into his side. He wraps a strong arm around my shoulders and kisses the top of my head with soft, loving lips.

“We scattered my parents’ ashes here. Well, not this exact spot, but it was a beach in Montauk. It was the last time I saw them, the last time I spoke to them and told them that I loved them. I watched them float away on a sea breeze, fall into the water, and wash out to sea. That was when I knew they were gone. Aunt Maggie didn’t have the money for a burial, definitely not for two, so she had them cremated. With me moving upstate to live with Aunt Maggie, there was no point in a gravesite and headstone anyway. There was no one to visit them. A few days after the ceremony, my house was sold, and my things were packed away. I moved in with Aunt Maggie right away and was never able to come back to see them, to see my parents again – to sit quietly on the beach and talk to them, to feel the comfort that their final resting place would give me.”

At my admission, his eyes are wide and apologetic. “Maddy, I am so, so sorry. I never would have brought you here if I’d known it would make you so sad.”

I dig deep into my soul and realize that I can look at this as either a sad moment or a happy one.

I choose happy.

“No, Reid. I mean, yes, I’m sad. I love my parents so much and miss them more than anything. After they died, there were mornings when I would wake up and almost forget that they were gone. Those few minutes when they still existed, if only in my mind, were the best minutes of my day. And then reality crashed down on me and the darkness set in.”

He shakes his head, acknowledging my feelings; he’s had the same ones, I’m sure.

“After a while, I stopped waking up in that blissfully unaware state. They were dead, and that wasn’t something I was going to forget. I always liked to think that they were wherever I was – their ashes following me everywhere. Still, I missed them.”

“I know what you mean about waking up unaware. Some days, you know when something big happened, my first thought would be ‘I can’t wait to tell Shane,’ but of course I couldn’t. I remember this one time. I hit a homerun during my last varsity baseball game of my high school career. As I was rounding the bases, I scanned the crowd for Shane’s face. Of course my parents weren’t there -- we’d stopped caring about each other long before that game. It was at that point that I realized I was completely on my own.”

Even in the midst of my own pain, I want to take his away his. I want to wash it all away and heal us both.

“I know my reaction isn’t very convincing, but please believe me that I’m not sad.”

He’s not buying it; I probably wouldn’t, either.

I try to explain it to him. “Don’t you see? You’ve brought me back to them.”

“You never cease to amaze me, Maddy. You are so strong, and I am constantly in awe of how you always look at good side of things. I love you.”

We spend a few long moments huddled together in the sand, just holding on to each other through the pain, both lost in raw memories of the families we no longer have.

But we have each other.

When some of the heaviness lifts, I remember the
Friends
episode from last night. Thinking that the beach scene before us is fairly fitting, I laugh a little.

“What’s so funny, baby?”

He’s going to think I’m a dork, but whatever. “Nothing’s wrong. I was just thinking that you’re my lobster.”

His face is contorted in all sorts of confusion, and he asks, “Is that a good thing or a bad thing?”

“It’s good, Reid. Really good. I love you.”

I stand and pull him up with me. We spend the rest of the morning walking up and down the shore of this beautiful beach, hands clasped together, reminiscing about the people we’ve loved and lost. It’s healing and cathartic for both of us, and when we get back to the car, I feel lighter and happier than I’ve ever felt before.

Chapter 17

Reid

Spending the morning walking along the shore of the beach is far better than any tropical vacation ever would have been. I’ve always felt close to Maddy, even when I was pushing her away, but after everything we shared this morning, both good and bad memories, I know that she is a part of me – heart and soul.

We pull up to the hotel and check in. It’s mid-morning, and the sun is shining brightly  The place is beautiful – a nautical theme without being lame.

I slide the key card in the door, and when Maddy sees the suite she nearly squeals with joy, clapping her hands together, jumping in the air a little.