The Beginning of Us (195 page)

I reach across the console, and grab his hand and squeeze to try to reassure him. He calms a little, but I know his outburst is inevitable.

“Reid, I have to tell you something. Please don’t be mad.” I register the look of shock on his beautiful face as he careful considers his next words.

“ Okay, I promise that I’ll try not to, but when you’re suspicious of me all of a sudden, it might not happen.”

I see glimpses of the Reid I knew when I first met him – cold, hard, mercurial. I inhale deeply and brace myself for the fallout.

“Back around Thanksgiving, I noticed that you were always checking your phone. One time while you were in the shower -- well, it rang, and I picked it up.”

“You did what?” His eyes widen in shock, and I can hear the hurt in his voice. “Why would you do that? What did you expect to find out?” He’s baiting me and I know he knows the answer; he just wants to hear me say it.

“I…I don’t know why, but I just thought it was some girl you had on the side. I knew that you slept around a lot before me. I knew that you had needs, needs I hadn’t met until the night before, and I just figured you were keeping up with your old ways while you were waiting for me to come around.”

He recoils from my words as if I’ve physically slapped him. He roars back at me, “I can’t fucking believe that, Maddy! You’re really going to throw my past in my face like this? Haven’t I done everything in my power to make you realize how much I fucking love you? And one stupid little insignificant thing like a few calls - from a number that I don’t even know - and you automatically assume the worst of me? How could you fucking think that I’m cheating on you?” His voice is venomous and booming; it’s angry, and it’s laced with hurt. He’s clenching his fists at his side and I can see veins bulging in his neck as he’s trying to rein in his rightful anger.

“Baby, I’m…”

“Don’t fucking call me baby!” He’s yelling at me, and I can feel tears sting the backs of my eyes. His shoulders slump and he rests his head on the steering wheel. He looks defeated and pained. “I love you and I trusted you with everything, and you go and snoop on me. Tell me, Maddy, who was it? When you picked up the phone, who was it?”

I know that if I start talking, I’ll cry, and I have no right to be upset, to want his sympathy, but I just want him to pull me into his arms and tell me that everything will be okay. When I don’t answer immediately, he slams his fists against the steering wheel, making me jump.

“Who the fuck was it, Maddy?”

“It was a girl. She didn’t say anything more than hello. I didn’t say anything to her. I didn’t know what to say, but when I heard a woman’s voice on the line, I…I’m sorry I jumped to conclusions. It’s just that…I was scared. I thought you were going behind my back, and I love you so much that the thought of losing you took over in my mind. I’m so sorry. I never meant to hurt you.”

It’s menacingly quiet. I know I have to tell him the rest. It’s now or never. I made my bed, and now I have to sleep in it.

“There’s more.” My voice is small, barely a whisper.

“What do you mean, ‘there’s more’? What more can there be? You don’t trust me.”

His quiet and hurt tone makes my gut clench. I messed up so bad. I just wish I could take his pain away.

Now seething, he says, “Fucking tell me, Maddy. Tell me everything.”

Here goes nothing.

“After the call ended, I saw that you had a ton of calls from the same number, so I wrote it down and brought it to Bryan. I figured he could help me find out who it was.”

His sarcasm is getting the best of him – eyes rolling, face contorting in various shapes of disbelief. “And did he? Did you find out what you needed? Why the fuck couldn’t you just come to me? God, Maddy, I don’t know what to fucking do with all of this!”

I can hear the anxiety and panic rising in his voice. In the small confines of his car, he looks like a caged animal.

“I don’t know why I didn’t go to you. I’m so sorry. It’s been killing me.”

“You? This is killing you? Oh, that’s rich!” He laughs sarcastically. “Tell me what he found.” His tone is deadly flat and the calm that’s at the surface belies the fury that I know is simmering below.

“When Bryan told me that it was a cell phone from Denning, I, well, I just didn’t know what to think. I was concerned for you, honestly. I thought it was Alex. I don’t know why she would be calling you after all this time, but I didn’t want her to hurt you again. You had just told me about Shane and your family, and, baby, please believe me. I was really worried.”

His anger recedes
marginally
, and it seems as if he’s softening to me
slightly
as I voice my genuine concern.

“Once he told me that the number was from Denning, I immediately dismissed the idea of you cheating. Please, you have to believe that. I can’t apologize enough for going there first. It’s just that I kept my heart guarded for so long that it was a knee-jerk reaction.”

He pinches the bridge of his nose and then rubs his eyes as if that will erase the tension. Regaining his sense of the Reid I know and love, he turns in his seat and looks me in the eyes. “That’s why I never picked it up. It’s not a number I know, but I recognized the area code immediately. There’s no one from there I want to talk to.” He’s trying to explain everything calmly, but he’s far beyond that.

I try to reach for his hand, but he pulls away. He’s right to still be angry with me, but it hurts that he doesn’t want me to touch him.

He sees my hurt, and I can tell he’s debating what to do. The sense of relief I feel when his fingers lace with mine is huge. Maybe there’s a chance we can recover from this.

“Please, Reid, you have to believe me. I’m so sorry. I love you so much, and I will do everything I can to prove that to you. I’m so, so sorry, baby.”

He doesn’t say anything in response. He just holds my hand, running his thumb across my knuckles. I pull our entwined hands up to my lips and kiss his hand tenderly, lovingly. Tears are streaming down my cheeks, not because I want him to feel bad for me, but because of the overwhelming emotion I feel in this moment.

A weight has been lifted that I’ve told him all of this and that he hasn’t gone running from me. I love him so much, and I know I will do everything that I can to make this right. We’ve survived so much worse than this; we have to make it through to the other side.

With his other hand, he reaches up to wipe away my tears. The feel of his hand on my skin makes my heart swell. We’ll be okay. We have to be.

He speaks first, breaking the long, emotion-filled silence. “I’m not going to lie, Maddy. I’m mad – really fucking mad. But,” he pauses and takes a deep breath, “I love you. As much as I don’t want to understand why you thought I would cheat, I do. I was a complete dick before I met you, and I treated you like shit at first. Just promise me that from now on you’ll come to me.”

Just as I’m about to make that promise to him, his phone buzzes again. It’s the elephant in the room at this point, and he just chooses to ignore it. He says nothing; he just hits the “ignore” button and returns it to the compartment in the console. As soon as the phone returns to its cradle, it buzzes again. The sound of it vibrating against the hard plastic of the gearshift reflects the return of the tension that I thought was gone.

“Reid? Why don’t you answer it?”

He gives me a look that suggests I’ve sprouted another head, then sighs in disbelief at my suggestion. “Why? Because there’s no one from that hellhole of a place that I used to call home who I want to talk to.”

As much as he wants to make it seem like he’s done with that place, I can hear the hurt in his voice; I can see the pain in his eyes. He’s a long way from healed.

When it buzzes for the third time, I surprise even myself at the suggestion that I answer it for him. It’s simple, really: if he’s not strong enough to do something, then I’ll do it for him – with him. I will be the rope of light when he is in the darkness.

“Why would I let you answer it? I don’t even know who it is. Nothing good is going to come of it, so let’s just leave it at that.”

Maybe if he knows who it is, he’ll talk to her. Maybe he’ll recall something about the name? It’s a small town, after all; maybe they knew each other. I have to take a chance and share my last piece of information.

“Her name is Katelyn Donovan. She’s a freshman at New Paltz. She grew up in Denning and was raised by her father. Her mom left when she was a kid and hasn’t been back since.”

He looks shocked and terrified at the same time, but he doesn’t say anything.

“Reid, please let me do this with you. She obviously has something to share with you if she’s been calling this much. Let’s just see what she has to say, and we’ll deal with it. I’ll be by your side the whole time -- I promise. I love you.”

Once again the phone buzzes, but this time he picks it up out of the cradle. He just stares blankly at the screen, obviously contemplating whether or not to answer. Sliding his thumb across the bottom, he takes the plunge and answers.

Chapter 18

Reid

I’m scared out of my fucking mind, but Maddy’s right. The calls aren’t going to stop until I answer. “Donovan” sounds familiar, but then again, it’s not an uncommon name. Bracing myself for the unknown, I pick up the call.

“Hello?” The word trembles in my throat, and I hate that I sound weak.

“Hello. Is this Reid Connely?” Her soft, sweet voice wobbles with disbelief.

“Yeah, it is. Who’s this?” My weakness is gone. I’ve steeled myself for whatever it is she has to tell me.

“My name is Katelyn.” She pauses briefly before adding her last name.

“What do you want? Why have you been calling?” I’m being harsh – being an asshole, I know it, but honestly, I just want to get this over with and get on with my life.

“Um, well…it’s about your mom, Reid.”

My world spins. The phone almost slips out of my hand, but I catch it and pull it back up to my ear.

Slowly, and in as controlled a voice as I can muster, I say, “I don’t have a mother. She’s dead to me.”

I hang up and turn the power off. Shifting the car into drive, I pull out into traffic to head back to the hotel. I don’t look over at Maddy; I can’t. She’ll make me talk about it, and I just can’t right now. It’s easier to just bury it deep down and leave it there.

The fifteen-minute drive back to the hotel passes in complete silence. There’s nothing to say, really.

Walking into our room, Maddy wraps her small arms around me from behind and rests her cheek against my back.

“Do you want to talk about it, Reid?”

I chuckle a little at the ridiculousness of her question. “No, I most definitely do not want to talk about it. My parents are dead to me. They disowned Shane and stopped acknowledging my existence simply because I had recognized his. There’s nothing she has to say that I want to hear. I’m going to shower and go to bed. I just want this day to be over.” I stalk out of the room without a backward glance. I just want to be alone.

I take longer in the shower than I would normally, but I want the scalding water to burn away the memories and the pain. It doesn’t work.

I come out into the bedroom and am pulling on a pair of sweats and a T-shirt when I hear a voice out on the balcony. What the fuck?

I creep out into the living room area of the suite and stay out of view. I can hear Maddy’s end of the conversation in bits and pieces. I take a few steps closer but still remain hidden from her view.

“I understand, Katelyn…”

I don’t hear the rest of the sentence. My stomach flips, and my fists clench involuntarily. The blood is rushing in my ears with the fury I feel at her betrayal. How could she?

She’s talking again, and I refocus my efforts to hear what she’s saying.

“I will. I’ll try to talk to him. I can’t promise anything. He’s hurting, but I will try to talk to him about it.  Okay, I’ll call you tomorrow. ’Bye.” She hangs up and slides her phone into her back pocket. As she turns to come in through the double glass doors, she sees me and gasps in shock.

Imagine how I feel
.

“Oh…hi…I was just checking in with Mel.”

She’s stumbling over her words. She’s a terrible liar, but this time I’ve caught her red-handed, and I’m not going to let her get away with it. She tries to walk around me, but she can’t. A “deer in the headlights” look flashes across her face, and she looks up into my cold, hard eyes.

“Who were you on the phone with, Maddy?”

“I told you…”

“Don’t fucking tell me it was Mel!” The growl of my voice makes her jump back. “I heard you, so tell me the fucking truth. Who was on the phone?”

She’s shaking in panic. Her voice trembles as she begins her confession.

“It was Katelyn.”

I hold my stare. I knew this much already, but at least she’s telling me the truth now.

“And can you tell me why the fuck you called her?”

“I’m sorry, Reid.” Tears start to stream from her eyes; she’s beside herself with sobs. I don’t have the energy for her apologies, for her emotion. I’m engulfed in a sea of anger.