The Beginning of Us (199 page)

The thought of going on without Reid is just unbearable, but I have to. I have to do this for me, for my baby – to protect us.

With walls firmly in place, I ready myself for the inevitable broken heart.

“Yes, Reid. I…I can’t stay with you. This baby deserves love -- ” he opens his mouth to say something, to tell me he does love the baby and that he loves me, but I know he’ll say anything at this point to keep me from saying the rest, “ -- I deserve love, and until you realize that you deserve love, that you are not to blame for Shane dying, and that your mother deserves love, too, I know I can’t be with you.”

Eyes wide and sincere, his heart bleeds open in front of me. He looks like a lost little boy – and that’s essentially what he is.

“But I can’t be without you. You can push me away all you want, but I will fight for us. I will fight until my last breath to show you just how much I love you, how much I will always love you.”

Our eyes are locked, and he’s furiously searching mine for some clue that I’m balking here, that I don’t mean what I’m saying. He’s pleading with me to take back my words, but the Reid I know is fully aware of their truth.

The knock on the door startles us from our hell. Momma peeks around the corner.

“Guess who’s all cleared to go home?” Her cheery sing-song voice is a stark contrast to the icy atmosphere. Lost in the happiness that’s consuming her with me being well enough to finally leave, she doesn’t even notice what’s going on.

She stands next to me and pulls me to her side. I rest my head on her shoulder and try to refrain from crying and sobbing in pain at my broken heart.

“I just saw Dr. McNamara in the hall, and she gave me these.” She waves a few papers in front of me, indicating that I’m all set to leave.

I turn away from Reid because I just can’t bear to see what I imagine is my pain reflected in his eyes. I reach down for the handle on my suitcase and, with my good hand, click the button to extend the handle.

Momma wraps her arm around my shoulder and starts walking toward the door. She’s starting to figure out that something’s not right. “Smile, Maddy. You’re going home. You’ve got me, Mel, and Reid to take care of you. Everything is going to be just fine. Well, just fine as soon as we make this five-hour car trip.”

I only wish that last part were true. I would give anything at this point to know in my heart that Reid will be there to take care of me and our baby.

As Momma and I walk toward the door, Reid lingers behind us in the room. Momma stares at him blankly. “Aren’t you coming home with us, Reid?”

He regains his composure and swallows his pain. “Yeah, of course, Momma. I just need to head back to the hotel and get Cammie and Jack. I’ve got his car. Actually, why don’t I drive back with them, and that’ll give Maddy enough room to stretch out in the back seat for the long drive. I’ll meet up with you guys later.”

He walks toward me slowly, and I’m savoring every last second I have with him. I want to memorize the rough stubble that’s grown on his hard, chiseled jaw, his deep ocean-blue eyes that are swirling in anguish at the moment, his soft, full lips, his rich brown hair that feels like silk between my fingertips.

He stops directly in front of me and cradles my cheeks in his large palms. He gently strokes the pads of his thumbs under my eyes, where tears are streaming down. Leaning into my ear, he whispers, “Goodbye for now, sweet Maddy. I love you. I’ll always love you, no matter what, and I will prove it to you.” His lips softly graze my cheek, and then he’s gone. He’s walking past me - out of the door and out of my life.

As Momma and I enter the hallway, I can see Reid all the way at the end. His dark silhouette is illuminated by the bright sun shining through the sliding glass doors.

I can’t help but think how fitting an image it is.

Reid, the love of my life, has always been the darkness in search of the light.

I hope for his sake, for my sake, and for the sake of our baby that he can finally find it.

The End

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Copyright © 2014 S. Moose

Vision of Love

Editing by Pamela Snyder @ PS Editing
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Proofreading by Janett Gomez

Cover design by Amy Queau

Photography by Matt Stuart

Model: Nate Tebow

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All rights reserved. No part of this publication, may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, included photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher.

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are the products of the author’s imagination or are used factitiously. Any resemblance to actual events, locales, or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Dedication

To anyone who has ever felt alone and lost.

Don’t ever give up. Even when it seems like you’ve lost your way look deep inside your heart and you’ll find your answer.

Sometimes the best thing to do is say

goodbye because everything happens for a reason.

Prologue

May 15, 2007

Karly

I walked into my house holding bags from my latest shopping adventure. I got a perfect 4.0 GPA on my last report card, and dad told me to go shopping and buy myself some new things. He’s been in a really great mood lately, compared to the other nights he’s been yelling and hating the world. Last night we went out as a family. It was the first time in months; just my mom, dad and me. It was something that I’ve been hoping for. We talked and laughed, things felt normal again.

The Erikson home has been on a twisting and fast roller coaster ride. All the ups and downs have affected all of us and I wasn’t sure what to expect.

I put my things away in my room and made my way downstairs. No one was around and I thought it was weird. I looked around for Lydia, our housekeeper, but she wasn’t around either. I check my parents’ room and found it empty. There were empty alcohol and pill bottles lying around. Everything was a mess!
What the hell happened?
I started going downstairs and saw my dad pacing the foyer.

“Daddy? You okay?” He turned and looked at me.
Fuck.

I never saw it coming. He punched my face and dragged me down the last few steps of the stairs. He kept muttering something but I wasn’t sure what he was saying. All I focused on was trying to get out of his death grip. He was high and drunk
again
.

“I told you to stop fucking charging things on the fucking credit cards! Who the fuck is gonna pay for your shit huh?”

“Daddy! Please stop. You said I could use my card and it’d be okay,” I cried out. I wasn’t sure why he was doing this. I told him I’d get a job to help pay for the things I wanted, but he told me I needed to focus on school. “Please,” I begged him.

He stopped and looked at me. I swore I saw some ounce of sadness in his eyes. I slowly got up and tried to smile. He was my dad, but when he was drinking and took drugs, he was a monster.

“It’s me daddy. Karly,” I explained taking his hand. He looked at me again and smiled.

“Karly?” He softly said, pulling me in his arms. I felt relief when he was hugging me. My dad was back.

As much as I should hate my parents I couldn’t. They gave me a great life and everything I wanted. We had a huge house, I had the best education and life was comfortable. 

It was just my parents and me; I was their miracle child. My mom was told she wasn’t able to have kids, but one day she felt sick and took a pregnancy test. Nine months later I was born. We did everything together and I was happy. Life was great up until last year after I turned seventeen. Things changed. My parents would sometimes go on binges and not make it home for the night or days at a time.

One night I overheard my parents talking. My mom was yelling and I wasn’t sure what was going on until I heard her saying that he better fix things, and put my trust fund back. I went to my room and slid down against the wall. Things only got worse from there.

The house phone constantly rang. Bills and letters were piling up. My parents were home a lot more than ever before and when they were, all they did was get drunk and high I even overheard mom telling Lydia they were going bankrupt. In order to process everything that was happening I confided in Bradley, my boyfriend, and he assured me that he’d protect me and be there for me.

My dad’s arms were tightening around my body. I felt safe and starting thinking maybe this was the turning point we needed. The feeling was short-lived. Without warning he pushed me on the ground and started kicking me.

“Everything’s your fault!” He kicked me over and over again. I cried, begging him to stop. With each kick to my stomach I felt sick and was in agonizing pain. I wanted him to stop. I begged him to stop, but he didn’t listen. Suddenly he grabbed the vase on the table and dropped it on the floor. He took a piece of the jagged glass, flipped me on my back, got on top of me and placed the glass against my face.

“Daddy please!” I cried, but it didn’t work. Nothing worked. His dark eyes were empty. The drugs and alcohol possessed him.

His manic laugh filled the room. His wide eyes were empty. The darkness took over and I knew I was going to die tonight. No one was going to save me. When he pressed the jagged glass against my face I closed my eyes and prayed for him to kill me fast. With one fast swipe he cut me deep on my cheek. I could feel the blood rush from my face. He brought the glass up to my face once again and this time dragged it from the side of my forehead down to my chin. I felt everything. Every cut. Every pressure. Everything. I screamed. I cried. I just wanted him to stop. I closed my eyes and remembered the happier times, us on the beach, and him teaching me how to drive. The day he came home with a gift for my mom and me to have a girl’s day at the spa. I remembered all our talks and his dreams for me.

Bang. Bang.

Chapter 1
Karly

I look around my empty dorm room and a bittersweet feeling takes over my body. I’ve spent the last four years in this room, and as I’m looking around I can still see myself as a freshman unpacking my things and starting over. Now that my life is back in boxes I am ready to embark on a new journey, a new chapter of life.

A sense of accomplishment runs through me. This is finally it. I’m a Summa Cum Laude college grad and will be getting my Bachelors of Arts diploma in May. Things are falling into place and I feel stronger. Happier. It’s in this moment I can finally breathe and let go of the fears that I held onto for so long.

At long last I’m able to start a new chapter and take on life headfirst. I’ve been in Chapel Hill, attending UNC for four years and now it’s time to move on. It’s strange leaving the place I’ve called home, but I’m ready to begin something new. True I’ve accomplished four grueling years of studying and pulling all nighters, but this dorm room has been the place where I’ve cried, laughed, smiled and made a name for myself.

“Hey you ready?”

I turn around and see my ex-boyfriend, slash best friend standing impossibly sexy in the doorway waiting for me. His pale gray eyes look at me and those dimples! God I miss those dimples. The way his black shirt hugs his broad shoulders, enhancing his washboard abs, yum!
But
he’s my best friend and we’re not dating anymore. I love that we’re able to maintain a friendship without all the awkwardness. I even suggested being friends with benefits, but Neil doesn’t want me feeling like he’s using me. That’s one of the things I love about him; he’s
always
putting me first.

I walk up to him, wrapping my arms around his waist and breathing him in. When I look up into his eyes my heart breaks. He’s leaving tomorrow for a few months to travel Europe and find meaning to life-his words not mine. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do without my Neil. “Yeah,” I nod grabbing my purse. “I’m ready to go.”

I started over at UNC with no one, but myself. It was hard and I felt like giving up. I didn’t have any friends because I didn’t trust anyone. It was just me. After everything that happened in Boston I walked away and created a new life for myself. I knew it wasn’t going to be easy, but I kept going. It was my only option. If I gave up then, they won. I fought through each day to prove everyone who doubted me and left me to fend on my own wrong. There were so many times I wanted to give up, but then his words came and broke me.
You’re a worthless bitch, Karly.