—No. No, massa.
—Well, maybe yer eyes have different plans from the rest o’ ye, but I’d say yer weeping. What is it, this cause for all this melancholy? Is this because I shouted at ye?
—No, massa. Something fly in me eye, massa. Lilith run to her room. She look behind her, thinking he might follow. She turn, waiting. He don’t come. Plenty time pass. She think he gone. She get up and go into the kitchen.
—Ye composed enough to tell me now? Robert Quinn say. Not my practise to ask women more than once.
Lilith look at him. Ever since he take her to bed she don’t know what to say to him or how to say it. He talk to her sometimes with a voice that white people don’t give black people and sometime not to white people either. Things would be easier if she was just a whore or a tool that get use, then put back in a box. But him want to hold her in bed even when they not sexing and he want to talk, and him talk to her in white people voice. She listen to him sometimes and think of milk flowing. Him smile. Negro people not to fuss about what white people thinking. Negro people not to think that they is anything more than a dog or a parrot to white people.
—Lilith?
He call her name again. Lilith want a woman to tell her about man things. What man want and if she must desire him, desire as the Bible say. But her head heavy. She have three burden and have to let go at least one.
—Fine. Keep yer business to yourself, then, he say and rise up.
—Have supper ready when I get back.
If
I get back, the way crop time is lookin’, he say and leave.
Lilith go to her room and look through her belongings for the piece of looking glass. The one time she go back to Coulibre after the fire, a time she go with Robert Quinn, she find it sticking out from ashes and ready to cut her foot if she did step without looking. Lilith pull out the looking glass in the dim light. She look at herself, at the one thing that make her not black. She not black, she mulatto. Mulatto, mulatto, mulatto. Maybe she be family to both and to hurt white man just as bad as hurting black man. Lilith wonder if green eye is the only thing she seeing that any good. Maybe she should use the piece of looking glass to cut her eyes out so that she can’t see herself.
Maybe if she start to think that she not black or white, then she won’t have to care about neither man’s affairs. Maybe if she don’t care what other people think she be and start think about what she think she be, maybe she can rise over backra and nigger business, since neither ever mean her any good. Since the blood that run through her both black and white, maybe she be her own thing. But what thing she be? Even Robert Quinn look at her queer-like sometimes cause he can’t look below the eyes. Lilith used to think that green eye put her one step higher than other nigger; she think it put her on a perch so that Massa Humphrey could see her better. But then he have man beat her till she near dead, and since then he is monster to her.
Since then, anything to do with loving make her sick and angry, but then Robert Quinn take her in. They eat together for the most part and she bathe him like a boy on Saturday morning and find nothing sweeter than when he say ahhhhh as she pour warm water over him head. She think of Massa Roget the first time, but when she realise afterwards that all he want from a bath was water she didn’t mix him up with that fat sum’bitch again. Lilith would get up from the table when she done eat and Robert Quinn would hold her and pull her back gentle-like because he don’t want to eat alone. Lilith trying not to count, not to add up. The same day she meet with the womens he walk up to her in the kitchen with him shirt off and slap him big belly two time and say that she is to be blamed, she and that heavenly cooking of hers. She say, What a way backra get fat so quick, then shut her mouth for giving him backtalk.
—On the contrary, I do nothing faster or slower than need be, he say and smile as he go back to the bedroom.
—Have you ever ridden a horse? he ask when he come back out, and she shake her head. He promise to teach her one night when he is home.
Home.
Lilith need a new way. She tired of thinking that she have to hate Robert Quinn. Need to hate him. She tired of knowing what she supposed to do but not doing it. Tired of guarding her hate and forcing her hate and thinking that if she just tell hate to come and stay, it goin’ come and stay. Mayhaps she hating too big. Hatred still be like love, stronger when what you hate right in front of you. She remember that between Massa and Mistress Roget be a monstrous hatred, but they don’t hate one big thing. They despise little things, like how he fart and how she stupid, and them little things add up, spread out like plague. Mayhaps that be the way. Under him arm can smell like a dog. He leave the most unholy stink in the outhouse. He shout at her when the food not right. And when he piss in the commode, everywhere wet up but the commode itself.
—Here’s wot methinks. Methinks I’s going ta sail right down that cockstream o’ yers. Sounds right nice, ennit? Does that sweet ya, pussycat?
Lilith watching herself in the looking glass so long that she didn’t hear the man come in or see him standing in the doorway. Is not evening yet but the man look like a shadow. He tall and skinny like scarecrow. Him yellow hair wild and poking out from him hat like hay. Two teeth missing and the others yellow when he smile. He smiling plenty. Him shirt dirty and boot cake up with mud and him breeches brown. The man grabbing himself through the breeches. Lilith know is who.
—Quinn downright built a love den fer us, yes ’e did, pussycat, yes ’e did. The gentlemanly sort that Quinn be, the gentlemanly sort, always looking out fer ’is fellow man, the man say.
—I’d give me last quid to vouch fer ’is character, that I would, he say.
Lilith look around but there be nowhere to go.
—Keep ya noodle down, pretty, keep ya noodle down and nobody needs ta get ’urt. All of us’re just doing as the Bible intended, innit? the man say as he step inside more.
—The Good Book says that a man, a strapping man like meself, can’t be burning of passion. Say so right there in the Good Book, it does. If man got some passion in ’im ’e gots ta release it, ya know? We gots ta release it now, doesn’t we? he say.
—Ah, quit with the crying, dearie, I’ll be right sortin’ ya out in a minute . . . or two.
The man shift to the side and pull down him breeches a little. Light peek out from behind him and Lilith try to run and push herself past him, but he catch her.
—Now, where do ya think yer goin’? Eh? Where do you think yer goin’?
Lilith try to push him off but he grab her by her two arm, push her back in and slap her across her face. Lilith claw him face, but he smile and all she can see is the blackness beyond him yellow teeth.
—Jaysus Christ, behave yerself now, pussycat! he say.
Then he pounce on her like cat ’pon rat. She scream but he slap her again.—Enough of that, he say. He pinning her down on her sheets with one hand and pulling down him breeches with the other. Then he hike up Lilith dress and push him way between her legs. Lilith close up but then he start to slap her, saying, Open up, nigger bitch. Lilith bawling and fighting but the man strong and him hard. Then she hear music. Music starting and stopping and starting again. Music coming from inside as she feel stone underneath her outside. She smell a sourness, a sourness from white man hair and a sourness from the music. The music was inside. Outside. Outside was the yellow hair, straight and sour. Sour and yellow, like the man who was on top of her before she black out. Sour and yellow, like the man of top of her now. Lilith scream and scream and scream. He slap her on the cheek. Lilith feel him miss her pussy at first, then feel him taking him hand to guide it in so that he don’t miss.
—We’re pickin’ up right where we left off on New Year’s, darlin’, innit? the man say.
Then the man scream but the scream drown out with a thunder-crack. He scream loud like a girl and he screaming louder and louder. —Goddamn! Goddamn! Ya damn fuckin’ killed me, oh my God, oh my God!
He jump off Lilith and grab the back of him arse that full with buckshot.
—McClusky, I barely scratched ye.
Now
I’m going to kill you, Quinn say and hold up him musket.
—Oh my God! Oh my God!
—God can’t help the likes of ye right now. Is this the full day’s work Master Humphrey get for a full day’s pay? And how come I can’t remember inviting you to my house?
—Blazes! Me apologies, sir, me apologies. Oh lordy, the pain, sir! Lordy, the pain!
—There’s more where that came from, ye son of a bitch!
—Pardon me, sir, pardon me. Me thinkin’ there was a free meal to be ’ad ’ere, sir, that’s all.
—Really, McClusky? Who in all fuck gave ye so wrong a news as that?
—Aye, sir, I means you no offence, sir, that be all to it, yeah?
—Maybe you didn’t, but yer dingus here had other plans. Maybe I should shoot the little fucker off?
—Oh, lordy no, sir, please sir, ’tis the only dingus I ’ave, sir, kind sir.
—Aye. But since you’re so burning with passion to dock yer dingus, I tell ye what. How about I shoot ye a new arsehole so that you can fuck yerself. How does that suit ye?
The man look like he goin’ cry. Lilith pull down her dress and run out of the room.—Get up, Robert Quinn say. Lilith in the kitchen, the man run past her, limping as blood drip on the floor. The man turn east outside and vanish.
—Goddamn worthless East End scum! The goddamned nerve to set into me own house. I’ll have him in irons, by all that’s holy, Quinn say.—Perhaps I should get a dog. What do you think, Lilith?
Lilith on the floor with the water bucket and a brush. She scrubbing the blood off the floor, moving from one spot to the next. She don’t look up. Robert Quinn move over to her and stoop down.
—I was talking to ye, luv. I said, What do you think of a dog? Quinn say. Lilith still scrubbing the floor.—Enough, Quinn say and touch her shoulder. Lilith scream and pull back. She push away from him like crab running sideways.
—Jesus, lassie, I’m not out to harm ye, he say. Lilith push herself over to a corner in the kitchen. She trembling like she just come back from white people weather. Quinn walk slow over to her and she push herself deeper into the corner until she can’t push no more. Quinn right in front of her. Him face next to her face. She turn away from him, her eye shut tight and her face set as if he about to punch her.
—Oh my stars, lass, you have nothing to fear from me, he say.
He touch her cheek and she yell again and scramble to her foot and run into her room.
Darkness fall and Quinn still in the house. He supposed to go back out ’cause it be crop time, but Lilith didn’t stop bawling until he promise to stay. Quinn on the right side of the bed, reading a book from Massa Humphrey. The lantern beside him throw light on him nose and cheek when he smile. Lilith didn’t know that he wear spectacles. She look at him for a while, look at how he just get older before her. She wonder if he do deep thinking. Quinn look up and see her.
—Are ye talking to me now, lassie? Quinn whisper as he put down the book and look at her.
—That son of a bitch McClusky has been dismissed. You have nothing to fear from the likes of him again. But I’ll wager you were troubled before that bastard set foot in here. Please don’t look at me like that, darlin’.
—Massa?
—Like, like that. Ye looked at me like yer seein’ him. McClusky. Jesus, lassie, I’d never harm ye. It wasn’t in my power before but it is now, so help me. Were it up to me nobody would have ever laid a hand on ye, not once, not even when that Coulibre bitch demanded that they whip you every week. You probably think I’ve forgotten but I have not, luv. So what is it? What is it that yer not willing to tell me?
Lilith push herself to talk.—Nothing, massa. Nothing.
—Come here.
Lilith start to pull off her dress.
—Good heavens, Lilith, I’m a man with a dingus, not the other way around. Come in the bed with me. Have ye ever laid eyes on a book, luv?
—Yes, massa.
—Aye? And have ye opened one as well? Do ye know how to read?
Lilith look ’pon the book hard and long but she know what it say,
The Faerie Queene
.
—Nigger don’t know them things, massa, she say.
Some time pass with Massa Quinn teaching Lilith word. She act like she don’t know anything. One time he read a line that go
A floud of poyson horrible and blacke,
and she frown ’cause she know is not so poison spell, nor flood, nor black.
—That no right, she say, but go quiet when Robert Quinn look at her queer-like.
—’Tis not right? What’s not right?
—Ahhhh, er, that the, that the woman so nasty. All that nastiness coming from her mouth.
—Aye! Indeed, nasty indeed. She’s quite the harridan, she is.
Lilith still perplex, for them words don’t sound like nobody she ever hear. Them way too speakey-spokey. And spell wrong. Even a dim nigger would know that son don’t spell like sonne. Quinn don’t even need the book, he just talk the book and tell her that everything that mankind ever needed to say Spenser say in
The Faerie Queene
. He nod off and she think he think she don’t understand. She about to say that she know what he mean without telling him that she know a Faerie Queene that still be sleeping until a man wake her, but he answer with a snore.
Lilith slip outside. She run to the broke-down wagon and hide. She think she hear a gallop but nothing come of it. Mayhaps Miss Isobel sleeping tonight. Most night she go but some night she don’t and Lilith can’t find no reason behind it. She wait. No moon in the sky.
A hard hand grab the back of her neck. Lilith jump. Robert Quinn.
Even in the dark she can see he furious.—I knew you were haunted by something, he say.—And if it’s freedom yer looking fer, I have half a mind to send you to heaven, how’s that fer true freedom? Lilith mouth wide open but no sound coming out. She know he looking at her. Then a sound catch her and him too. Quinn notice that it catch her first.