Authors: Z. Elizabeth
“Nic, can you tell Craig that Karen knows I told him about the fued? She is ripping my arse to pieces for telling him!”
My hand reaches up to cover my mouth. Tears cloud my vision, my stomach drops a few thousand feet and bile starts rising up. Cramps begin in my stomach and I am still holding the phone to my ear with John happily chatting to me, not knowing that he just landed Craig in it. Craig knows, he fucking knows. I told him to leave it alone, to not let the past mix up our future and just like men, he didn't listen to me! He couldn't leave it alone, couldn't just let it be. And now everything is ruined. He knows the secret and I don't. He can hold it against me. Holy shit, he can hold it against me!
I end the call, not caring about cutting John off and throw the phone on the sofa before barging into the bedroom. I can't stay here. He's lied to me for months, and knowing that means he could be lying to me about everything else – about loving me. That makes me gag and I hold my stomach tighter, the pain spreading everywhere while I blink the tears away. He is not getting my fucking tears. I spilled my fucking guts out to him, bared my soul and if all he said was a lie, then I’m the biggest moron around for believing him. Kudos to him, he is a brilliant actor if his feelings have been one massive lie. I dig out the suitcase from under the bed and begin chucking clothes in. I don't even hear Craig enter the room until he grabs my arm, anger and confusing clouding his face.
“What the fuck is going on, Nic? Why are you packing?” He asks but I just glare at him. I rip my arm from his and continue to pack my belongings. But Craig, being Craig pulls me away from the bed and dumps me on the edge, his hands digging in my shoulders to keep me still. I shoot daggers at him and grit my teeth together, snarling. He looks taken aback by this side of me, but fuck him. Fuck everything about him.
“What is going on? Answer me!”
“I'm leaving.”
He gives me an ‘and I can fucking see that' look. I sigh angrily and push him away from me but his strength overpowers me, and I am pinned to the bed the instant I try to get up. Craig is in a towel, and the water droplets are dripping onto my face and my clothes. I am not in the mood for this. “Let me the fuck up now, Craig.” I seethe but it only makes him hold me tighter while I fight against the constraints.
“What happened, Nic, please tell me so I can make it better. I don't know what happened between going in the shower to this.” He sounds defeated, his eyes showing his confusion and pain as he quickly glances at the suitcase next to us. If I wasn't in so much pain at being deceived I would feel sorry for him. But I don't.
“You lied to me, Craig. You've been lying for fucking months. I know that you know about the fued, about what happened between our fathers even after I asked you not to. You lied and you know the truth and I don't. What else are you lying about huh? Your love for me? Is this just a joke to you? Get me to confess my love, have a laugh behind my back, and when the year is up you tell me you don't love me and we go our separate ways, you with the money, me with the heartbreak?” I shout in his face and it obviously shocks him because he shakes his head at me.
“I needed to know so we could be together for real. I found out for us, Nic. I fucking love you, how can you say I don't? I would die for you, so don't you ever fucking question my love for you or say that I am lying about that because you will have my heart for-fucking-ever.”
“If you really loved me you wouldn't have gone behind my back!” I scream back, pushing him off me and jumping off the bed.
“I FUCKING DID IT FOR US, NIC.” He screams back and I am rooted to the spot. He has never raised his voice at or to me before and holy crap, it terrifies me to see this side of him. “I did it for us. This family fued will always be hanging over us like a bad omen and I thought if I knew what it was, I could fix it. I'm so sorry I lied to you, went behind your back, but I promise you, the secret? It's nothing. It could easily be solved if we both helped.”
“I don't want to know, Craig. I can't be here. I don't know what else you've been lying to me about and right now I don't want to be around you. I'm going to go stay with Kelsie for a while. I need to sort my head out and figure out some things. Please don't ring me or visit me, I need some space.” I spit out, zipping up my suitcase before dragging it off the bed and to the front door. I'm alone for a few seconds before I spy a clothed Craig hot on my heels but I don't look at him, I can't look at him because my heart is breaking into tiny pieces of glass ready to tear my chest open and fall to the floor in a bloody heap. I grab my bag and car keys and slip on my shoes.
“Please, please don't go, Nic. Don't leave me.” Craig sniffs and I know that he is crying while I try to keep my tears in check until I leave the flat. I swallow them back and look to the door, begging it to grab me and throw me out.
“You made your choice. Goodbye, Craig.” I shrug angrily. And with that I open the door, pulling my suitcase behind me until I hear the latch shut. Then I break down and let out the sob I’ve been holding in.
Chapter Twenty
Craig
I punch the wall and let the tears fall as soon the door closes behind Nic. All I want to do is open the damn door and run after her, but I know she doesn't want to see me and although my heart is being ripped apart, I have to respect her. But this cannot be happening right now. She cannot leave me, I fucking need her in my life. She is my life and no one is ever going to replace her. I can't believe she found out I knew. I know I should have told her months ago, yet I was too chicken shit to ruin what we had, and now I have. She doesn't trust me, doesn’t even think I love her. Thinks it's all one big lie. I scream and tug at my hair, my eyes just resting on the door she walked out of. I know she needs space, but I need her back here. I need her to understand why I kept it quiet, why I didn't tell her – because the secret isn't a big deal at all. Okay so as a teenage thing, it was a big deal but now? In adult life? No way in hell. The main person it is all down to is Kerry and she is the one I need to have a little chat with before I put a plan into action to win my girl back. And I fucking will win her back if it takes weeks or months. She is mine and no one else’s.
I harshly wipe away the remains of my tears and pin my eyes to the door, willing her to walk back in. To let me explain. But as moments pass I know she is really gone and I know I have to give her the space she wants. She's getting a week and that is it. I'm going after her and dragging her arse back home, with me, where it belongs. One more punch to the wall and I let out a deep breath, collapsing onto the floor. I have no idea how long I have been sat this way until I get my hopes up with the front door opening only to feel deflated when Matt walks through it. He takes one look at me, one look at the pain etched everywhere, at my red, puffy eyes and a glance at my hands and he is rushing towards me. I know he thinks the worst of me at this moment in time because he looks so angry. Before he can grab me and pin me against the wall, I hold my hand out to stop him. I think I would rather him beat the living shit out of me, I deserve it for being such a fucking chicken and not letting Nic know I knew.
“I've lost her, Matt. I didn't tell her, and she fucking left me.” I choke out, tears rushing to my eyes yet again. I know he doesn't understand what I am talking about, so he pulls me up and drags me into the living room. He dumps me on the sofa, and like the best friend he is, he gets us two beers and hands one to me.
“I was about to kick the shit into you, man, looking at your hands I thought you had hit her.” I shake my head and run a hand down my face. “But you'll have to start at the beginning, I have no fucking clue what you are on about.”
I chug back the beer and Matt has to pull it away before I down the can. He looks so concerned for me. He shouldn't have to see me this way, his fucking parents are the biggest dickheads in the world and now he can add me to that list. I know he looked up to mine and Nic's relationship as one that can withstand anything and now we are broken. I've broken us.
“I asked my father about the fued behind Nic's back. She told me to leave it because it could tear us apart. Then I asked her father about it too.” I sniff and Matt just sits, listening to me. “I had to know, Matt, our grandparents obviously did this for us to push them back together but she just doesn't want to know – about the fued or my explanation. I don't know what to do, I can't lose her, I've loved her for six years.” I tug the end of my curls and clench my eyes shut. I only open them when I feel Matt's hand on my shoulder, his other hand pulling mine from my hair. He's sympathetic and I know he will do whatever he can to help me get her back. It's written all over his face.
“Firstly, dude, we all knew how in love with Nic you were in school, kinda obvious to everyone, apart from her I guess. And secondly, you should have told her the moment you found out about the fued and dealt with the fallout then. You've been dragging it on for months and however she found out was not the right way. Fuck, no offence but I would leave your arse too.” I go to retaliate, to tell him he can go fuck himself but he continues before I get the chance. “She will come back, Craig. She needs time to cool down, to get her head around the fact you know and she doesn't. She trusted that you wouldn't snoop and you did, now you have to face the consequences.”
I know everything Matt is saying is the truth, but I don't want to hear it. I want my wife back. That's all I want. I sit in silence, staring at the wall whilst Matt sits beside me quietly, waiting for me to say anything, but there is nothing I can do or say that will make this situation better. The quietness takes over until I hear the screech of my ringtone. I slide my hand down the side of the sofa where the noise is coming from and see my father is ringing me. I crease my forehead in confusion because I didn't leave my phone on the sofa. Then it hits me. Nic must have answered my phone and someone – my father – must have told her. Absolute motherfucker. I swipe to answer the call and scream down the phone. Call my father every name under the sun and let him know he has ruined my life before I hang up the phone and throw it against the wall. I scream, letting the anger and pain and frustration out. Matt has to slap my face, pretty fucking hard to get me back to earth. I can't even feel the pain, I am too numb. My father just destroyed my relationship, taken away the one girl who has always had my heart and made her doubt me, made her trust waver. It all becomes too much to take and I break down, sobbing into my hands. Matt wraps me in his arms and I grab onto his shirt. I can hear him clicking on his phone and then his voice rings out.
“Rob, you need to get to Craig's now.”
Nic
The pain shooting through me is unbearable. It's like tiny needles stabbing me everywhere with every breath I take. The worst stabbing is in my heart. I park up through my clouded vision and see that I've ended up outside of Kelsie's. I can't even remember getting here. I drag myself from my car, pick up my suitcase and zombie walk up to her flat door. I weakly knock and when Kelsie opens the door, one look is all it takes to gasp and pull me inside. She wraps an arm around my shoulder, directing me to the sofa and settles me down. No tears are falling, I am just staring ahead at the canvas above Kelsie's TV. The phone call keeps playing on a loop in my head and then the sound of Craig crying when I slammed the door shut. I just feel utterly numb. I actually do not give a shit if I overreacted at this situation. I told him that we should leave it, that we shouldn't try to fix something that is so noticeably broken but he didn't listen to me and now both our hearts are ripping apart.
Kelsie smooth’s my hair away from my face and tucks it behind my ear. I turn to face her and seeing the concern cracks me and the river erupts. I cling onto her, tears streaming down my face, sobs spilling from my mouth and my body is shaking. I'm breaking and I don't know what to do. I need direction and I need Kelsie to tell me what to do. All she does is wrap her arms tight and rocks me to calm me down.
Minutes pass before my sobs turn to hiccups but I still cling to Kelsie, not ready to let her go nor to be let go either. She pulls me forward when her phone goes off and I know that it's got to be Craig calling her, to see if I am with her. I whimper when I hear Rob's voice through the phone telling her he can't come over, that Matt called him to tell him to get over Craig's. Kelsie tells him that he should go because I'm here. That's when they both know something has definitely happened between the both of us. When the phone is hung up, she pushes me away from her slowly and takes a hold of my face. She wipes my tears away and softly asks me what has happened. I swallow back the tears and sniff.
“I found out Craig knows what the feud is about.” I reply and yes, thinking about that simple sentence and the way I reacted seems so stupid. And I can see that appearing on Kelsie's face. “I told him, I fucking told him not to get involved, to leave it but he couldn’t do that.”
“And you're over here, your heart breaking to smithereens because he asked and got told?” I glare at my best friend. She is meant to be on my side, not Craig's. “Oi! Stop your glaring and your inner hatred for me, bitch. You know I am always on your side and yes, Craig went behind your back but can you blame him? Really think it through, Nic. You have been asking for years and then gave up. He hardly asked and when he does he finds out. You can't hate him for wanting to fix this for you. Jesus girl, can't you see just how obsessed he is with you. If he thought fixing this would mean having you for real, then yes, he was going to do whatever he could to get your fathers to be friends again.”
“Are you for real, Kels? You say you are on my side but you basically just said that Craig was right in asking. No. He. Wasn't. I told him to stay out of it, just like my parents told me. Maybe you should go with Rob and console Craig instead.” I bite, moving across the sofa away from her.
“Don't you even think about taking this out on me, Nic. I will toss your arse on the street, best friend or not. Now, I'm going to make some hot chocolate and by the time I get back I want you to tone down the bitchiness towards me. I'm only trying to help you.” She glares at me and leaves me alone in the living room. I watch her slip through the door and I smack my head against the back of the sofa. Damn, why the fuck am I taking it out on Kelsie for? I run a hand through my hair and close my eyes, urging the stress headache forming to go away. She's right, I need to stop snapping at her, this isn't her fault and I am taking it out on the one person who has cancelled her evening to be there for me. I know she is staying in the kitchen until she absolutely has to come back to me so I slug myself from the sofa and tentatively walk into the kitchen. I stand behind her and wrap my arms around her waist, snuggling into her back. She just stands there, stirring our hot chocolates, not saying a word.
“I'm so sorry, Kels. I know you mean best but I'm just so damn angry and heart broken,” I whisper loud enough for her to hear. “I just, I love him with everything, Kels. It was going so well for us, and with only three months left I was so happy we were going to say 'fuck you' to the divorce and 'fuck you' to our parents and stay married. I just can't seem to get my head around it all. I feel so betrayed.”
Tears well up in my eyes again and I angrily wipe them away. I will not cry, I will not let Craig have the satisfaction of having my tears. I move around my best friend and she hands me over a mug, before taking her own. I lean against the counter, and glance up at her, puppy dog eyes with a hint of glassiness clouding them. She sighs dramatically, rolls her eyes and pops a tiny marshmallow in her mouth.
“Fine, you're forgiven, but don't even think about giving me fucking 'tude again, Nic. I will put a cap in your arse and kick it on the street.” She gives me a stern look before sipping her drink.
“Okay, okay I understand. I don't want a cap in my arse thanks, I'd rather something else in my arse.” I giggle but then I feel bad and the pain travels through me again. I mask it by downing the hot chocolate, welcoming the burning feelings conveying inside me. The more agonising it is, the more numb I feel. “But what can I do? You have to tell me what to do!”
I collapse on the kitchen counter, tears filling my eyes. I have no direction. No knowing which way to turn, or where to go from here. I'm in agony and I've been twisted upside down. Kelsie takes my hand and leads me through the living room into her room. She leaves me to retrieve my suitcase and tells me to change into my nightwear whilst she does the same. Once changed, we snuggle under the duvet and lay face to face. She wraps her arms around me and I cuddle into her. We used to do this when we were younger when one of us felt sad. Excluding my dad and Craig, I always feel safe in her arms.
“I can't tell you what to do because you are a stubborn fuck, but I am telling you this. I'm giving you two days to wallow in self-pity but that's it. On Saturday we are going over to your parents and demanding they tell you the truth.” I go to argue with her, to tell her that no way in hell do I want to know, but she pinches my arm and I yelp out in pain, rubbing the skin. She gives me a stern look and I relent. “Do not disagree. You need to know the details, it's been dragging on for years and it's time. I'll be there with you, I won't leave you alone. And if they don't tell you we are going straight to Craig's dad and asking him. We are going to get you back to Craig one way or another. You have both spent too long hiding away your feelings. Yes, this isn't the greatest situation and it is a huge roadblock in your relationship, but once we find out, we can easily make this better. You will see.”
Kelsie kisses my head and rubs my back. I am shitting myself over the fact that she won't back down from this, she will drag me to my parents kicking and screaming, tie me and them to a chair and get them to spill the secret. She's not one to hold back and in a way I am glad I have someone like that, pushing me every step of the way. But this? This she will need to be by my side, because I can't do it alone and I don't have Craig.
“Get some sleep, sugar, and if you don't want to go to work tomorrow, I’ll call in sick for you. I'm just going to ring Rob and see what is happening on the other side, then I’ll be back.” Another kiss to my head and she is gone. She closes the bedroom door behind her and I look around the room. Now I am alone the pain crashes onto me and I clutch my chest, screwing up my eyes. I curse my grandparents for getting me into this situation. For making me marry the one person who has always had my heart and into the one family who hates my own. Tears sting my eyes and I cry into the pillow, cradling it like it's my home – Craig. I want to be with him but I can't. I broke his and my own heart when I closed the door and left him on the other side of it.
The only way I am even going to attempt some form of sleep tonight is if I read some really fucked up book. No lovey dovey shit. I reach into my suitcase, ignoring the itch to grab my phone and see if Craig has rang me. I bypass the item and pull of my Kindle. I wipe the tears away and find just the book I need to read. Time to get fucked in the head.
I drift in and out of sleep throughout the night. The same dream haunts me, yet it's not a dream because it's my reality. I keep hearing the anguish in his voice, the sniffing to hold his tears back and I can hear the sob that breaks through him when I shut the door. It's on a loop and I see it every time I close my eyes. I can't get rid of it and I ache every time I wake up, looking over to the right to see if Craig is there but it's always Kelsie. Emotions I didn't even know I could convey surge through me and I can't do it, I have to check my phone, have to see how affected Craig is, if he's tried to ring me. I climb from the bed, scramble around for the lost phone and tiptoe from the bedroom. Once firmly seated, I run a hand through my hair and take deep breaths, before pressing the middle button to see numerous notifications lighting up the screen.
An array of texts from Craig, Matt and Rob grace my screen. Missed calls from Matt and Craig and a couple of voicemails too. I swipe it open and proceed to go through each text one by one. It's a little over four in the morning and I’m sat in the dark looking over worried texts from Matt and Rob and heartbreaking texts off Craig. I can't even bare to listen to the voicemails. I just know I will fall apart if I hear Craig's voice so I ignore calling the number and curl up on the sofa, dragging the blanket over me and cry. This is a total deja-vu of when this happened after sex with Craig that it makes me blub even harder and wail out loud. I miss him so much and it's only been one night. I miss him but I hate him and my head is all jumbled up.
Fuck work and fuck this. I need those two days to cool down, get my head around everything and psyche myself up to demand the truth from my parents. Two days without contacting Craig and when I know the reason of the feud then can I go over and see him; talk to him and figure out just what in the hell we are going to do. But before I can even think to close my eyes, my phone begins to vibrate in my hand.