Authors: Z. Elizabeth
“Then one day this new family moved down the street. God, we must have been about fourteen, fifteen years old by this point and we were helping John's father fix his car. We didn’t pay any attention to what was happening but then John elbowed me and in all her glory there was this girl. She looked like a ray of sunshine. Blonde hair that shimmered in the light, and she had on a pale blue dress. She was the perfect girl for both of us and I think we both knew we had to befriend her, get to know her and that was the beginning of the end.
“We met her that evening when our parents went to introduce themselves and invited her family to a BBQ John's family was hosting. She was still in her blue dress and converse but she had put her hair up. She was timid, stuck to her mothers side until John and I took her away to get to know her. She opened up when we stole some alcohol from the cabinet and the three of us sat in the basement playing get-to-know-me games. We were in deep shit that night, for stealing and drinking under-age but that night changed everything. We adopted Kerry into our group and the three of us became inseparable. The older we got, the more attractive she got and the more John and I fought for her attention and she loved it. Loved that we both wanted her and she played on it. We were both in deep with her that neither of us saw what was happening. She was trying to tear us apart and now I think about it, the more I can't believe that we let this happen. One night when Kerry and me were hanging out, she kissed me and one thing let to another.”
I make a face at the confession, willing my dad to not go too far because I do not want to know about his sex life, nor about sex with my mother. I have to say, this confession isn’t so bad yet, but I know the worst is yet to come. I know nothing of my dad's childhood, and it's nice to hear, even though it's for the worst. I clear my throat and encourage my dad to carry on his story. Craig hasn’t butted in yet so I am assuming he either doesn’t know this side or everything is correct right now. I wrap my arm around his stomach and he kisses my head, offering comfort to both him and me.
“Anyway, she told me she had wanted me for years, but she didn’t want to do anything because she knew John liked her too but she couldn’t keep it inside any more. Thing is I should have know she was lying as she then told me we had to keep it a secret. We were about seventeen and I was in love with her, I mean, I had liked her for years and she liked me back? I would do anything to keep her so I agreed to the secrets. We sneaked around for months, but what I didn’t know was that she had told John the same thing. When she wasn't with me, she was with John. It all came to blows when she was rushed to hospital one night. We both raced to see her and when we got there we found out she had had a miscarriage. When the Doctors asked who the father was, we both answered. And that was the moment we knew she played us. She cheated on us both and manipulated us. But the thing is we didn’t blame her, we blamed each other. We promised one another we wouldn’t do anything with Kerry but we both lied. Kerry was crying on the hospital bad, apologising to both of us but we didn’t blame her, all we did was fuss over her, glaring holes into one another. Thinking back I should have told her to fuck herself but she had just had a miscarriage and regardless of whose kid it was, I wanted to be there for her.” My dad watches me closely as he relays this information to me. I freeze against Craig and I know all this is true because he's keeping tight-lipped and kissing my head repeatedly while I'm fisting his shirt tightly, my jaw clenched over what I am hearing.
Holy crap. My mother broke up a childhood friendship because she couldn’t keep it in her knickers. She wanted her cake and wanted to eat it too. No wonder she didn’t want me to know, it's changed my whole view on her. I'm not sure I can go near her for a while, if ever. She has ruined a great friendship and I am determined more than ever to get them back together. They have missed out on so much the last thirty years and it's taken getting married to Craig to open the can full of worms to get the ball rolling. I unravel myself from Craig and I take my dad's hands in mine. He looks sullen reliving this painful memory and I want nothing more than to take it away, but I needed to know and he needed to relive it, to think it over without my mother in his ear. He needs to re-evaluate being with her and I can see that in his eyes, in his features. And I will do whatever I can to help him through it.
“Dad, I am so sorry about the miscarriage, regardless of whose baby it was. But mum was a skank. What possessed you to stay with her? What happened? Is this the big fall out because if it is, holy crap, dad, I thought it would be worse than this. Why the hell didn’t you just tell me? Was it because of mum? She didn't want me to know and change my opinion of her? Shit.”
I babble to him, spilling out everything I want to know. Craig was right, this feud really is petty. It's high school drama. It's something that could have been fixed but has been left alone, both choosing my mum than each other. I hate that my mum did this, I hate that our fathers were like brothers and my mother wanted both of them that she would actually do whatever she could to have them and then not do a single thing when she broke up their friendship. I cannot think of a more selfish person right now. I push back the tears that are rising for the pain my dad went through and give him a warm smile, awaiting the answers to my questions. He wraps his hands around mine and returns my smile. Right now, it's just me and my dad in the flat. I tune Kelsie and Craig out because this is my time to find out the secret. Craig already knows and Kelsie is here for me, to protect me. I am so grateful for her love for me and I know my dad would want her to know the truth too.
“A few days after your mum was released from the hospital John and I went round to see her while her parents were out. We didn't want them to know what happened that night. John and I weren't talking but we needed to know if she was okay, after all we both loved her. Your mum picked me, she wanted to stay with me and that's what tore us up. I loved her too much to let her go, no matter how much John told me that if I stayed with her, that was it, our friendship was over. That he would never be able to forgive me for choosing her over our friendship, but that's what I did. I told him I loved her, that I wanted her and that we could work it out. We couldn't let seventeen years of friendship slip away. But he told me to fuck myself and that he never wanted to see either of us again.
“He'd had a few days to think about everything and he blamed Kerry way more than he blamed me. He called her some pretty nasty names and I punched him. Told him to get out, to calm down and that we would talk about this. That was the last time the three of us spoke. John point-out blanked us every time we saw him and the more time passed, the more I gave up trying to salvage any sort of relationship with him so I put all my effort into making it work with your mum. John went off to university in Portsmouth, I stayed behind in Swansea to be closer to your mum.
“I missed John every single day, wanted to call him up, talk to him but my pride got in the way and I never did. Both your grandparents despised Kerry, and they did until their last breath. They saw what was happening a mile off, they knew what she was doing, what she was capable off and although they hated her, they still came to our wedding, they wanted me happy, and if I was happy with Kerry then they had to suck it up. They hated that John and I couldn’t save our friendship and I have had so many years to think it over, replay everything in my mind that I regret everything that has happened. I will never ever regret having you, Nic, you are my pride and joy, my little girl and don’t think for one second I never wanted you, because I did. But if I could have not been so blinded, John and I would still be friends.”
Tears are falling down my cheeks and they are falling down my dad's too. This emotional turmoil has him breaking down the barriers and telling me things he never would have. He's not one to express such feelings and crying in front of me and Craig and Kelsie is a big deal so I know this cuts him so deep he can't control it. I look to Kelsie for guidance but she is wiping her tears away. I have to be strong, I have to be there for my dad. I blink away the tears and slap my hands against my knees, turning to face the love of my life who looks disheartened it shoots through to me.
“Craig, ring your dad and get him over here. We are fixing this now!” I order, pleading with him to do it. He shakes his head and my stomach falls. He looks at me with regret shining in his eyes.
“I can't. I screamed at him for telling you, I said some pretty disgusting things and I haven’t heard from him.” He admits, and I swivel around and take his face in my hands. I lightly kiss him and rest my forehead against his.
“Baby, it was in the heat of the moment. I'm sure he knows you were just upset and angry and I know he told me you knew to hurt me, but it's not about us right now, it's about them so go and ring him up and tell him to come over.” I glance at my dad who looks anxious, afraid, scared of the outcome if John does come over. I look back at Craig. “Didn’t you say it was up to us to fix this? That our grandparents made us get married to do just this? Well I’ve thought about it and you were right. We'll have time to talk all night long but now, now we have to do this, okay?”
He takes some time deliberating my request and in the end he gives in. He sighs and nods his head. I kiss him again and let him go. He gets up and leaves the room, closing our bedroom door behind him. I then turn to Kelsie and give her a hug, releasing all the worry and fretting into the air to disappear. I close my eyes and hide my face in her shoulder. It's my time to be consoled, if only for a few minutes before all the panic comes back up.
“You're doing so well, Nic, you're holding up. You can do this. You have me and Craig and the whole freaking gang to lean on, but this is now the time for your dad and John to work things out. If they don’t want to, don’t force it but make a start.”
“Thank you for everything, Kels, for being here for me. I know you didn’t have to, but it means a lot. I love you.” I say into her neck and she chuckles, before pinching me.
“You know I am here whenever you need me, you numpty. Always have, always will be. You are my best friend and if you hurt, I want to make it better. And right now I know you are hurting, but you need this, and that is why I am here.”
I offer her another small smile and squeeze her hand as a thank you. Craig is still behind closed doors but I try not to worry about his conversation and focus on my father. He's been a bit too quiet for my liking, and he looks pale, deep in thought. He's twiddling his thumbs, and glaring holes into the bedroom door. My heart drops for him. This is a big moment for him. It's been over thirty years since they have said one word to one another and even at our wedding they tried to stay away, only acknowledging each other when guests pulled them together. I could see the strain on both their faces, the look on my mothers face and Craig's auntie when they were stood side by side. I was hyper alert all day but the best thing about having friends? They try to defuse the bomb and by that I mean they ploughed us with alcohol until I stopped worrying and started to unwind, enjoy myself and I think that’s also the reason why I ended up sleeping with Craig that night...okay I know it was but I will never forget that day. How happy I was, how in love with Craig I was – still am – and now it's time to make my father that happy again; get his surrogate brother back in his life.
“It will be okay, dad, you will see. Our grandparents wanted us to fix this and we will. It's taken me months to finally get to the point where I needed to know, and now I do, it can be fixable. But you have a lot to think about regarding mum because I don’t know if I can face her again, not after the pain she put you both through.” I get up and sit on the edge of the armchair, arms wrapped around one another. I can feel the tension rolling through his body and I hate this. But I have to put him through this.
“I've had a lot of time thinking about your mother, Nic. And I have to be honest, I just can't do it any more, can't be with her. I've been wanting to tell you for years, and when you stopped asking, I just thought you got over it but I knew somewhere deep down it was locked away, just waiting for someone to unlock the thought and get the ball rolling, get you wondering, asking again and it wasn’t until Craig showed up, wasn’t until the deal that you were slowly cracking. I could see it in your eyes every time you came over. I feel relieved that you both know. It's a massive weight off my shoulders and my conscious. I'm just petrified at what is going to happen now. If John does come over, what are we going to say? What is there to say?”
I didn't even hear Craig step back into the room until his voice rang out, answering my dad's rhetorical questions. We both look in his direction and he takes a seat back on the sofa, folding his hands together on his lap, his phone tucked in between.
“Dad is coming over. We had a quick heart-to-heart about the call the other night and he wants to make this right. He wants to apologise to you, Nic, for the way you found out about me knowing, but he also wants his brother back, Peter. He's just as scared as you are to face this, and you both admitted to me this was a stupid teenager fallout and yes, it is Kerry's fault but you are both to blame too and I know that despite the thirty years flying by there will always be things to say. You can't just lose that bond, it's still there. It's going to be awkward at the start but dad really wants to rekindle your friendship.”
“Peter, it will be fine. You know how gobby I am so if things get a bit strained then I can jump right in.” Kelsie winks at him and a notch of tension escapes him. He chuckles and gives her a thankful smile.
“Thanks, Kels, why do you think you are here, you bomb diffuser?”