The Family (21 page)

“I was really wild, always hard to control. I just always did whatever I wanted. The more people—my parents; Cary, your father; his parents—tried to tell me what to do, the more I went the other way.

“It’s ironic that I’ve ended up here. Caged in the lovely mountains of Costa Rica with the personal freedoms of a parakeet.” Avery gave a smirk and shook her head.

“Anyway, to make a really long story short, I met Adam at NYU. He wasn’t a student, but he was holding these meetings on campus.” Avery turned her attention to Twig. “Take another bite of banana.” Twig did.

“You have to understand, Twig, I was really young. I married too young, I got pregnant too young, and I wasn’t exactly working with a full deck to begin with.”

“Mom.”

Avery held up her hand. “It’s okay. Back home I was diagnosed with something called bipolar disorder, which basically means I would dip into major episodes of depression and every now and then have some really intense, destructive highs. Your father really did try to help me. He took me to the best doctors, and I started taking medication.” Avery looked wistful, her expression full of what could have been. “I mean, he wasn’t perfect by any means. He was always away at work and completely under his parent’s thrall, but he did genuinely care about me and tried to help. And he loved you, Twig.”

“He did?” Twig asked quietly.

“Yes, like crazy. I can’t imagine how deeply I’ve hurt him.”

Twig felt a nauseating blend of feelings surge up in her stomach.

“So, along came Adam with his ideas and his charm. I was a perfect target.”

“Target?”

“Yeah, target. He was collecting people for this.” Avery gestured in the general direction of the compound. “The Family.”

“Where’s Evelyn?” Twig suddenly interjected, looking around her. She didn’t want to stop talking, but they had to be vigilant. Adam would be watching.

“Evelyn will probably be at Rose’s and Thomas’ house again tonight. I don’t think she is going to take her eyes off Rose until that baby is safely in this world. We can talk more after dinner.”

“Rose is pregnant?”

Avery nodded. Twig’s eyes popped open. Wow. That was fast.

Twig looked down, suddenly feeling ashamed. “I have to bathe before dinner. We can’t be late.” She let her voice harden, “We
will
keep talking after.” Avery looked back at her daughter with compassion.

“Yes. I’m so sorry, Twig.” Avery took Twig’s hand. “Let me help you. I’ll run your bath while you undress. Give me your dress, too—I’ll wash it.” Twig followed her mother toward the bathroom. She dreaded going to dinner. What would everyone be thinking of her? What did they know? What had been said about her? She had the strange realization that it didn’t matter what they thought. She was Adam’s fiancé. She would be their Mother before long.

And she would trade places with any one of them.

* * *

Avery and Twig were seated in the living room of their cottage, big glasses of icy lemonade in front of them on their coffee table. Avery hadn’t taken a bite of her dinner, and Twig had managed what she could. Now she sat with her head on her mother’s shoulder.

As Avery had predicted, Evelyn was with Rose and Thomas. She said she was going to spend the night there. It was a blessing having the place to themselves for the night. They could breathe more freely without her craning presence.

“I already miss Sapph so much. I feel like this will never stop hurting. It was so senseless, such a waste of life. Such a good, sweet life.”

“I know, sweetie.” Avery held Twig’s hand and just sat quietly with her, holding her pain.

“I wish we had a stereo. It would be nice to have music,” Twig said quietly, suddenly remembering the Nano. She’d have to show Avery after they talked.

“I’ve gotten so used to it, I don’t really miss it anymore,” Avery said.

Twig knew she should be spitting venom at Avery or giving her the silent treatment. She should be demanding answers and apologies. But everything in Twig’s experience with her mother kept her from these reactions. She was so hungry for Avery’s love, her companionship. It was such a balm after what she’d been through in the last twenty-four hours.

And they had never had an evening like this to themselves. Never. Maybe if they’d had years of sitting on the couch together like this, drinking iced teas and talking or reading or doing nothing. But there had always been people around, or else Avery wasn’t around—physically or mentally.

It was also such a relief to be able to talk to Avery about what had been tormenting her for weeks.

“Okay, so continue. Distract me. Please.”

Avery stared at Twig for a moment. “You’ve been through a lot lately.”

Twig sighed. “So you were at NYU, studying anthropology…” Twig lifted her chin toward Avery to signal for her to continue her story.

“It’s very strange to talk this way about the man who is supposed to be your future husband, but here goes:

“I was at NYU, and Adam was more…well, he was different. He has his whole leader-of-the-Family, Adam-with-a-capital-A persona now. But back then, he was…” Avery took a breath, searching for the word, “…unformed. Unformed and vulnerable.

“He was really romantic. He would pick me up from class with a picnic basket, and we’d find some grass and shade and eat cheese, drink wine from plastic cups, and talk and talk. Wow, could we talk to one another back in those days.” Avery looked over at Twig. “Is this too weird?”

“No, it’s fine. I’m getting to hear about this part of you that I’ve never known. I’m sort of pushing the Adam part aside for now.”

“Well, brace yourself, because this story does not have a happy ending.”

“Braced,” Twig replied. The past was twisted and barbed, but this moment felt safe, and the whole evening stretched out before them. She was drained and deeply grieved, but this moment felt still. A break in the chaos surrounding her lately.

“He told me there was nothing wrong with me, that society’s norms were too narrow, that they were suffocating me. He said society didn’t have a place for me and made me feel crazy as a way of try to keep me under control. That “bipolar” was just a concept made up by the medical community. A label, a metaphor. It wasn’t real. He said he had a place for me. That I would never feel like an outsider again.” Avery let out a big, sad laugh.

“What a bunch of crap, but I bought every word of it. I was so young. You believe that kind of stuff when you’re young.” Avery shrugged. “As you know, Adam didn’t turn out to be some purveyor of worldview expansion, making room for my quirks and ticks. He did the opposite.”

“That’s what I’ve been wrestling with lately,” Twig answered thoughtfully. “I thought there were all of these good things about our lives, our Family. But I keep finding out about all of these lies and secrets. What happened? Or was it always this way? Why would you come here if it was?”

“That’s what I was trying to explain before. Adam
was
different. He had these out-there, friendly ideas, and he was more of a hippie. He became corrupted.” Avery shook her head. “Well, he became corrupted, and his vision for a utopia became perverted with power.

“This is so hard. I know you’ve been raised to admire him. And now you’re supposed to
marry
him—”

“It’s okay,” Twig said. “I need to hear this. I need to hear all of it, and we haven’t even started talking about my father or my grandparents.”

Avery looked hard at Twig. She seemed to be taking a mental x-ray, trying to assess whether Twig was going to crack or unravel if she continued with her story.

“Mom, yesterday I thought I was crazy. Everything else is up from there.” Twig tried to sound cavalier. “Just tell me. Stop worrying about me.”

“It feels nice to worry about you for a change,” Avery said humbly.

Twig grabbed Avery’s hand.

“So, your father was in politics,” Avery continued. “His whole family was in politics and pretty much always had been. Big politics—senators, governors, etcetera. I was kind of apolitical, more interested in the human aspect of things. At the time, Adam’s way of looking at the world seemed more humane, more enlightened than your father’s. I was really attracted to that. Joke’s on me, huh?” Avery said sourly.

“Add in his flattery, his attention when I was feeling both alienated from your father and as if I were falling off the map being a new mother, and
ta-da
”—Avery flung her long fingers in front of her as if the gesture were the final ingredient to a spell she was casting—“a Family member is born.”

“I don’t totally understand.” Twig didn’t. Why would her mother leave her father, her life, for Adam?

“I mean that I would have followed him anywhere. In my defense, I thought I was in love, and I thought the feelings were mutual.”

Twig tried to keep herself from judging her mother. She wanted to ask Avery how she could betray her father, how she could leave him, and how she could take his daughter away from him because he was boring or had the wrong political views. She forced herself to keep those thoughts to herself. Avery was on a roll. Talking was obviously having a therapeutic effect on her. She had shed her usually skittishness for the moment. Twig didn’t want to ruin that.

“There’s more to this story, but imagine a whirlwind romance and a lot of mind-blowing sex—”

“Ugh,” Twig groaned. The thought of Adam and her mother having sex was not something she needed to imagine.

“I know.” Avery cringed. “There is no justifying it. I just want you to have some idea of what I was going through at the time.”

“What is he thinking, wanting to marry me? Does he want to torture you? Actually, never mind.” Twig held her hand up and tried to wave away the images that were flying uninvited through her mind.

“Now, honey, this part is going to upset you.” Avery squeezed Twig’s knee.

“It gets worse?”

Avery sighed.

“Okay, go on,” Twig said, holding her breath.

“I decided to leave your father and go with Adam. He wouldn’t tell me where we were going, but he said he was starting a community. He said the only way I could show him that I really loved him, that I was truly committed to him, was to go with him. He said I was the woman he needed at his side to realize his vision for this group.”

The very words Adam had said to Twig.

“All of this sounds so insane now, so stupid. But this is what happened: I was supposed to meet him at a bus station in New Jersey and bring all the money I could. For weeks I emptied accounts, stashing hoards of cash in my underwear drawer, shoeboxes, anywhere I could hide it.” Avery began to cry quietly. “I’ve gone over this night so many times in my head. Wishing I had never gone. Thinking of ways I could have gotten away.”

Twig listened. Her heart was pounding.

“I stole away in the middle of the night. You were fast asleep. So little and so sweet and so innocent. I just took you.” Avery’s tears dried up and her voice became serrated, filled with self-hatred.

“I had this big suitcase full of cash, our clothes, and all of your sweet little toddler things, your sippy cup and your blankie.” Avery stopped for a moment.

“Anyway, I got to the bus station. It was almost 2 a.m. Adam was there with a bunch of other people. They had a bus, which they probably had stolen. He was so dismissive of me, like he didn’t know me. I don’t even care about any of that now. It’s thinking of you in your little car seat, sleeping, so trusting. How could I have—”

“Mom, it’s over. I’m here. That little girl is me. She’s not there anymore.” Twig had tears in her eyes. Especially after today, that little girl was gone.

“I know. I know you are. This is painful. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. Take your time.”

“I had this little, mallard-green BMW. I had renounced consumerism for Adam, but I loved that car. He took my suitcase and slammed it on the trunk. He removed the money and handed the rest to one of his cronies, who tossed it like it was trash into a nearby dumpster.” Twig gasped hearing this.

“And here is where I always get stuck. There was a split second where I could have jumped in the car, gotten us away. But I froze. I was so shocked and so scared, I froze. I just wanted to get you out of the car and in my arms, and then he demanded my keys and my phone. They went in the dumpster after the suitcase.”

“Mom.” Twig covered her mouth with her hand.

“I pleaded with him to take the money and leave us. And that’s when he turned his charm back on. He said he was just stressed. He held me and kissed me and said everything was going to be just how we talked about.” Avery shook her head bitterly. “That’s another moment I replay. If I had persisted, would he have let us go?

“They led us to the bus. I was holding on to you for dear life. I already knew I had made a mistake. Yasmine came and sat next to me. She took you, saying that you would be fine. I fought to hold you, but Doc came and stuck a needle in my arm.

“When I woke up, I was here. You were playing with Sophie and Ryan, and Adam showed up and introduced me to his wife, Tina, and their daughter.”

“Did you try to get away?”

“I think you’ve heard enough horror stories for one day. In a nutshell, they kept me busy from the minute I woke up until I had to pour myself into bed every night. That is, if they let me or any of the newcomers sleep at all. Between exhaustion, the emotional violence of the Meetings, and being completely cut off from everyone I knew, I didn’t have much energy to try to find a way off the compound. I couldn’t even find a phone. And Doc was pretty trigger happy with the syringe back in those days.”

Avery’s voice became serious. “I did try a few times, and it ended badly. And then I found Gran. It was early on. Every now and then, just when I thought I couldn’t take anymore, Adam would let me ride out alone. There weren’t so many people back then. The rules were different. It was on one of those rides, as I was half trying to relax and half looking for some kind of escape route, that I came upon Gran’s place. I stopped trying to leave once I found Gran.”

“So why don’t we just leave now?” Twig knew it wouldn’t be simple, but they could do it.