The Girl I Last Loved (15 page)

No, it didn’t.

Love was all that mattered,

Yes, I was sad and shattered.

But in her, my love found its voice,

So no blames, she made her choice.

My love for her I’ll take to my grave,

And no, I’m not trying to be brave.

Did I mention ever, when you think back,

That I’ll love her only if she loves me back?

It’s been nine soft years since,

That love-light upon me was cast.

She was, will remain, and she is:

My first love, and my last.

—Prakash Kumar

I never started out to be a poet, I don’t know if anyone really does start out to be anything, but I now find myself one. I guess it’s largely due to my habit of penning down my inspirations, and I do seem to be getting a lot of them (Winner –
The Girl I Last Loved
Poem Contest).

... I Love you Rachu ...

Dear Frnds pls spread this msg until its reach to my rachu

I thinks see knows my name

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Chapter 14

When you knowingly or unknowingly break somebody’s heart, you don’t even think for a single moment.

When you are doing something wrong, why doesn’t your heart stop you?

But when you go to mend the very same heart that you broke, you lack ample of courage. Your heart will beat faster.

Your tongue will be all sloppy and words won’t come out.

How amazing is it that several miles seem easier to traverse but few steps look difficult?

Why doing something wrong is always easy?

Why making it right so tough?

Here I am standing at her doorstep, all impatient and still unable to bang on the door.

On my way, I kept on thinking what I would tell her.

Though now again I am feeling unprepared. For the past fifteen minutes I am standing here, trying to be able to confront her.

I guess I will never be ready.

I got close to pressing the bell several times and every time withdrew my hand.

It’s now or never as there is no other time.

I recollected myself and stretched my hand to knock on her door.

“Akash!” she banged the door open before I knocked.

“Hi… hi Divya!” I said as our eyes met.

We stood there like lifeless unmoving stones.

“Ahh… you were going somewhere…?” I asked.

“Yeah, but that can wait. Come on in,” Divya said with a little awkwardness in her voice and eyes.

There are two types of strangers.

First, where you know nothing about each other.

Second, where you know everything about each other, but whatever you went through made you strangers.

Clearly we were in the second category.

It felt really awkward to behave like strangers, going through all those formalities, when you have spent enough days together to appear for a CAT exam based on the other person.

It felt awkward to remain silent when you had so many things to discuss.

“I will get a cup of coffee for you,” Divya said.

“Wait, I will make for us both.”

I went to the kitchen and returned with two coffee mugs.

Divya reached out to take one.

“Oh no! That’s for me; this one’s for you, strong with extra sugar just the way you like it.”

I forwarded the other one to her. She gave me a surprised look.

“So, how’s work?” I mumbled.

“It’s great… how’s yours?”

“It’s great.”

Again there was a lull.

“Hey! I almost forgot…”

I gave her a long-stemmed red rose.

“Akash… I… can’t…,” Divya spoke with broken words.

“Oh, it’s for last Valentine’s Day when I forgot to bring one for you.”

“Last week I was in Dubai for a meet, so I got this chandelier. It may go with your yellow mirrored collection.”

I jumped to fix that.

“Akash! You don’t really need to do it.”

I stopped for a moment but then went ahead to fix it.

“The other day I was wandering in the mall with some associates and my eyes fell over this perfume. I had some faint memories of you using this one, so I bought it. Check if it is the same.”

“Yeah! It is…,” for once she seemed excited though it lasted a split second.

“You were counting on buying this Chopard secret limited edition watch and I knew you will forget, so I ordered one.”

“Stop it! Akash… don’t come back… you can’t just come back like this…”

She hid her face and I heard her suppressed sobs.

I knelt down on the ground in front of her, moved a lock of hair from her face and tucked them behind her ears.

“Divya, I am not trying to make it difficult.

“I am doing all these to let you know I was there…

“I listened to you…

“I cared for you…

“I knew you…

“I wasn’t able to show all that but I was almost that much into you…

“…as you were into me.

“I want you to know that the two years you spent with me and the immense love you gave me wasn’t a waste.”

She rubbed her face with her palms.

I pushed away her fingers from her face and looked directly into her eyes.

“I knew you loved me and I appreciate it. Divya, I really tried hard to feel the same way as you, but for some reason I wasn’t able to…

“Yet you have touched me and made my life beautiful in every possible manner.

“I will remember you throughout my life.”

I took her hand in mine.

“And I want you to remember me. Remember all those beautiful moments, little fights… all of them ‘because they are an integral part of our lives. They play a role in making us what we are. More importantly, I don’t want you to spend the rest of your life struggling to fight back memories of me… trying to forget… pushing back my thoughts.

“What’s the need to forget them? Why can’t we just live with them?

“We are not together now, but that doesn’t make ‘we were together’ a lie.

“So why try changing it?”

I gripped her hand firmly.

“I won’t ask you to be friends, as I know how much it hurts when the person you love asks you to be friends. But I don’t want to be the reason for you to not fall in love again.”

A tear trickled down her cheek and fell on my palm.

I wiped her cheek and took her face in both my hands.

“Someone once told me, getting married, having kids, watching them grow, sharing those memories with your partner is much larger than ‘someone you loved and weren’t able to make them yours’. I want you to realise it and live your life ‘because it’s greater than
me
or
you
.”

She gave me a slow confused nod.

“This is a picture of us from our first date. Remember me, remember us as we were. Those are your own memories, but don’t let them come between, making fresh new memories.”

I got up and sat adjacent to her.

Rest of the afternoon we flunked our commitments, laughed over some memories, cried over some. That all happened because of someone. That someone was Kasam.

“Yeah! I guess I should leave,” I told Divya.

“You guess or you know?”

We both laughed.

As she was shutting the door behind me, she called out for me.

“Akash…”

“Yeah?” I turned back.

“Whoever she is… she is the one.”

I smiled and nodded at her.

For a slight moment you enjoy a position to be superior to the female league and then again, she surprises you with her emotional intuition.

“Hey Kasam,” I spoke as I picked her call.

“Hey… what’s up Mr Akash Kashyap?”

“Mr Akash Kashyap – that’s odd; what is Ms Kasam up to?”

“Oh! She is about to ask Mr Akash if he would like to accompany me to a local train ride.”

“What time?”

“Wow! That was easy. I thought getting the ones who travel by Audi to travel by train would offer me some hassles.

“So, be at Mumbai Central by 3:30.”

I puffed two sticks at a time ‘because I wouldn’t be able to, for a long time now.

3:30 p.m.… Mumbai Central

“Hey.”

“Hey.”

“So, who is this utterly handsome guy with you?” Kasam nudged me.

“Let me have this honour myself. Hi, I’m Ved.”

“Hi, Ved…,” Kasam extended her hand.

I felt that was unnecessary.

Just then I noticed her.

She was wearing a pink formal shirt with dark grey trousers, complimented with small diamond earrings.

“Hey… hey, so where were you headed?” I inquired.

“Oh! Had a meeting with the sponsors for opening an extension of Prayas on Mira Road.”

“Great, so how did it go?” Ved interrupted.

I gave him a look.

“It was good,” Kasam responded.

“Let us know if we can be of any help,” Ved spoke again and this was it.

“Ved, don’t you need some coffee?”

“No, so Kasam what was I saying?”

“Ved, you needed some coffee… you had a headache…”

This time I said it very slowly and clearly with my hands pressed over his shoulder.

“Yeah, I do need some coffee…,” he said with a slight irritation in his voice.

So it went back to normal, just me and Kasam.

“If you need any help at all, do let me know.”

“Mr Akash Kashyap, I am doing well and I am satisfied with my progress. Whenever I will need your help, I will let you know.

“As of now I’m just tired of all these meetings and formalities, so I decided to come here.”

Just then the train arrived. We got into the compartment. Then we were reminded of Ved. I looked around for him. He gave me a ‘thumbs up’ from the adjacent compartment. Then I turned back to look at Kasam. It was very crowded but I caught a glimpse of her at the other end. There were almost six people between us.

I asked the man standing just beside me, “Hey, I need to go that side.”

“So?” he replied rudely.

“Don’t misbehave… even I know…,” before I completed my sentence, I heard Kasam’s voice.

“Excuse me! I am with him,” her words brought a smile on to my face.

People slowly made way for her. How things change when a beauty enters the scene!

Soon she was standing by my side. In literal terms, close and together are almost synonymous. In general terms, they were vastly different. We were so close, still not together.

Dumbly I was displaying a static smile. Kasam ducked to avoid other bastards crashing into her. I surrounded her with one arm.

We had never been this close. Nobody except us noticed it, that’s why it was even more of an awkward closeness.

Kasam’s uneasiness made me even more uncomfortable. For making us at ease, I looked around to strike some topic. Without even thinking, I uttered, “That little boy, he looks kind a weird.” Kasam gave a very disappointed sigh and shook her head.

Even I felt stupid for bitching about a little kid. “You know Akash, people get on to make fun. If only they had given some time, they might have been able to look beyond.”

“I am sorry…,” I acted confused as I was.

“It’s fine ‘because you don’t know. Last month a few kids were making fun of him. I ignored,” she looked at him with affectionate eyes.

“Some other day, again few kids teased him.

“Then I went to his mother and asked her whether because of some tragedy they had tonsured his head. Then she told me he was going through chemotherapy.

“Then I noticed it’s not just his hair he doesn’t even have eyebrows. His mother went ahead to describe their financial problems while my eyes remained stuck at that poor boy.

“He silently listens to all those taunts and teasing.”

Kasam’s response left my lips sealed and mind shocked.

We both kept on looking at that boy till he and his mother got down.