The Girl I Last Loved (14 page)

“It’s nothing; it’s about a guy who after breaking up with his girlfriend dated her worst enemy, although the breakup was on mutual consent. He told all her secrets to his current girlfriend, including some of their intimate moments. Those secrets were later posted over the internet by someone anonymous.”

My phone rang again.

Kasam’s face turned exasperated.

I switched it off.

Her cheerful expression returned.

“This one’s my favourite,” Kasam handed me a beautiful pink coloured envelope.

Dear Angel of Love,

This is something which happened a long time ago. I don’t want any response or a solution. I just want you to share this with others so that they don’t lose someone they love over a ridiculous reason.

My brother and I, we never had an ideal sibling relationship from our early childhood. He was a notorious fellow back then and mostly I was his victim, be it pulling my hair or reading my diary in front of everyone. He seldom missed out on any single opportunity to embarrass me.

When I was in eighth grade, my father gifted me a rose plant. I got very attached to it. Before going to school, I used to water it. After coming back, I used to rush back to my room to check out on it. I was waiting for the day it would blossom. A few days later, it did. It was one of the most beautiful things I ever saw. It was the happiest day of my life.

I went to school, told all my friends about it. It was really hard for me to wait until I saw that rose again.

After returning back, I rushed to my room. My eyes welled on seeing that the rose had been plucked. I rushed to the kitchen. My Mom told me that she saw my brother with a rose.

I raced to his room. For the first time I confronted him, told him that he no longer existed for me and I would never talk to him again.

So, I never did. He complained to Papa but I didn’t budge.

Time passed. He went out to study and then joined Army. By that time we got so accustomed to being oblivious to each other’s existence that we were never comfortable with each other.

We seldom talked; having a conversation felt unnatural.

I got married a year back and moved to the US with my husband. My brother is married with two kids. Now we are so busy in our own lives that we never get a chance to catch up.

When I think about it now, I feel it was all so stupid. I missed on the time when we were together and now I can’t have it back. I do hope my story can correct a few mistakes before it’s too late.

Thanks for your time.

With love

Rashi

I was overwhelmed. I learned so many lessons today without even committing those mistakes. It was all because of Kasam. Today she connected me with so many people, so many stories and so many emotions.

I was honoured to be a part of their life. I was glad I was a part of Kasam’s life.

*Click!*

Kasam clicked a picture of the sun that was now setting.

*Click!* I clicked a picture of her.

“Why?” she questioned me.

“To remember this beautiful day I had with you.”

*Click!* Kasam clicked my picture.

“I too have a right to cherish this day,” Kasam chuckled.

“Allow me to take a picture of you both,” a man in his early seventies offered.

We looked up in astonishment.

“Uh! Sorry…,” Kasam looked at him and then at me.

“Ah! We are not together,” I explained.

“Is it?” the man smiled at me.

“No, no, we are not a couple,” Kasam reconfirmed.

“Sorry, normally I am not wrong. Sorry once again.” The man walked away with the same pleasant smile with which he came.

Our smiles were gone as he left us with a question.

People perceived us as a couple.

I looked at Kasam. She turned a bit uncomfortable as she started playing with her
dupatta
and jewellery.

She is nice, imaginative, funny, not sad at all times but not too optimistic as it is unrealistic to be. She is smart enough to talk about complicated issues. She has dreams and hopes; even the unrealistic ones. How can anyone not fall in love with her?

How can someone be this cruel to her?

As she unfolds before me, she turns more complicated, yet she remains as simple as always.

Someone has rightly said never try to understand a girl; either you will go mad or fall in love with her.

Chapter 13

I didn’t have any idea where my book shelve ended and my bed started. Most of the time I had been sleeping on top of my books. Again, I didn’t have any idea when I was sleeping and when I was awake. Most of the time when Dad was getting up, I was going to sleep. Sometimes I felt that studying at night wasn’t a requirement but more of an attempt to avoid those moments when before going to sleep, your mind is completely empty. Then you begin thinking about things. So I started keeping awake and studying till I fell asleep.

Every day by pushing the books to one side of the bed I slept on the empty half. I was making a lot of progress. A few days I managed without thinking about her at all. Soon enough I managed conversation with my friends without mentioning her.

Boards got over.

After that it got terrible. I was planning to go to Mumbai for my further studies. Most of the time I was hanging around with friends along with my newfound habit of smoking or had lots of free time at home to think about her. I fought those thoughts… those feelings.

I started staying irritated most of the time. I used to have more mood swings than my elder sister. Lately I had been a lot more quiet. Spoke only when asked. Gave round-about answers to anything. I thought I was moving on, but as time passed, clouds of latent anger surrounded me.

I stayed frustrated without any reason.

I wanted to be left alone.

I sneaked into the alley during the nights to have a puff.

I just wandered with my friends, without paying attention to what they were talking about.

However hard I tried not to accept, but I was wretched.

It was just three days before I left for Mumbai.

I wasn’t able to stay still at all. Sometimes I went and chatted with Mom in the kitchen, sat at Dad’s table, annoyed my sisters, tried packing; finally, I did what I wanted to – picked the receiver up and dialled her number. I gave three missed callsand then called again, hoping she still remembered our code.

Thankfully she picked the call up.

“Hey… long time,” she said.

“Yeah, actually I was busy with my plans to go for further studies.”

“Oh, cool.”

“Yeah I am leaving day after tomorrow.”

There was silence for a few seconds.

“Do you wanna meet?” she asked.

“Yes, if you are free.”

“Okay, let’s meet tomorrow. Four o’clock sounds good.”

“Yup, it definitely does.”

Next Day 4 o’clock…

“Hey!”

“Hi!”

“So, what’re you going to study?”

“I am doing a course in company secretary-ship. It’s a four-year thing.”

“That sounds good.”

“What’s your plan?”

“I got into DU. Will be doing journalism.”

As we talked about all that crap, it started getting a little hazy.

I don’t know what got into me. I was feeling anxious as this was going to end – us being here together. I felt an urge to smoke, but I suppressed it. Being there with her after so long brought back all the feelings I had pushed away all this time; that very same adrenalin rush. Sometimes I felt like holding her close to me and telling her how I felt. At others, I felt like holding myself back in and running away from that moment, running away from her. The result of my mixed feeling came out like this…

“I love you,” blank and abrupt.

“What?” she asked in a normal expression.

“Yeah… I have always been in love with you… never stopped loving you altogether. Ever…” she gave a confused smile.

“Like what? You are behaving as if you had no clue?” Now I knew where that subdued anger went. It was just around the corner, a little deep beneath and which was oozing out now.

“What are you trying to say?” she sounded a little annoyed.

“Yeah, as if you had no idea why this guy hangs around you all the time?”

“You are blaming me of using you?” she squealed.

“I mean look at me. I started walking the way you like – hands in pocket; head hanging. I brushed my hair the way you preferred – hair falling on to my face. I dressed as you liked. All those cool double shirt things. I even started humming the songs you hummed. I lost touch with my friends, hung around with yours. My lips never knew the word ‘no’ if it was for you. I lost my existence. I started thinking like you. I started liking those things which you liked. Listening to you all day long without keeping a track on my watch; did it ever occur to you that this guy might have something of his own to do? I passed my days doing what you liked. I lost myself in you.”

“I didn’t ask you to do any of those,” she replied back.

I probed into her eyes. “Can you look straight into my eyes and tell me that you had absolutely no idea at all about my feelings for you?”

She looked in my eyes, her lips parted. I breathed out but she didn’t speak.

I got my answer. I stepped back. Then turned my back to her and started walking. Swiftly my legs stretched a little longer with every step I took. I walked on, never to look back. I walked alone. I walked away from the girl… I last loved.

The Girl I Last Loved

T’was one of my better, bloomy days,

When I met her in a gluey gloomy place;

That’s fine, I thought, in any case,

No place ever could match her grace.

For her deep eyes: imagine a few Niles,

Below the Nile ‘n who made those smiles?

The gods didn’t know. Stalled my office files,

And I stalked her for days. For miles.

One day I can never forget,

She was happy and looked so nice,

For the first time,

She looked up at me with a smiling face.

I went to her and we talked

She was so kind while we walked.

We spoke often, and when we did,

None of us knew how time passed.

We became good friends,

But this something inside me-

All I could think about was how

To tell her the things I felt?

I’d close my eyes and see,

This someone I adore – she.

A beautiful person, whole and sole,

A pretty heart, a prettier soul.

Her kind and gentle temperament,

Her sweet angelic smiles.

Her softly spoken sentiments,

That reach across the miles.

Her smile and laugh that sparkled with

The softness of her sighs.

The way her face lit up a room

Those twinkle in her eyes.

My soul-search was done and over,

And now she must simply know,

Just how I feel about her,

For with words I cannot show.

So I searched the card displays,

To find something that says,

Just what was on my mind.

I prayed, “Please God! Be kind.”

That day, I jerked off the cover,

I told her how much I loved her.

She stood there silently and thought.

She threw away the flowers I brought.

That day…

Whirlwinds blew, cyclones raged,

No birds flew, they all were caged.

Into dark blank nothingness, I gazed.

In a matter of moments, I aged.

Really, all of this really happened?

No, it didn’t.

But did it matter what really happened?