The Girl I Last Loved (23 page)

It had this weird soothing effect to it. Whatever happened at work, however tiring the traffic was – my mind was empty and ready to relax. Praying in the morning gave me the promise that things wouldn’t go wrong today. At least I started my day on a positive note. I gained it from my flat-mate minus the nuisance. I didn’t pray if I didn’t have time. It was according to my convenience and I knew when to cut short.

Every person who comes into our life teaches us something, knowingly or unknowingly. They leave their impression not only on our memories but sometimes also on our way of thinking and doing. Kasam is not with me. But is she really not with me? Although she was not there, was she really not there? After school when she wasn’t with me, she stayed with me, but as a passion to achieve everything which felt like a target to me. She stayed with me as the urge to achieve power. To be in a position where I can never be rejected, be it promotion, groups or girls.

She stayed with me as something unfinished. She stayed with me as the block which never allowed me to fall in love again.

And now… isn’t she with me? When I speak, I speak her words. When I am in trouble, I look to her and she helps me in decisions. When I am lonely, I smile with her memories. When someone needs my support, Kasam helps me. She is here. With me. In the choices I make. In the decisions I take. In what I am. In what I do for others. I never recalled when this happened but as of now, it’s the truth of my life.

Chapter 22

It was more than a year since I met Kasam for the last time. Time played its charm and everything was back to normal. If I consider my condition from two years back before Kasam’s re-entry in my life, I can very well say that it is better than before. I worked. Spent time with friends, didn’t hit on chicks all the time. Cultivated a few hobbies. Started a little garden in my balcony. Frequently called at home. Life was smooth as for now. I was not going by a plan. But it was fine. A welcome change.

I got up in the morning, did a little bit jogging, grabbed a cup of coffee and drove to work. Wished everyone good morning and started on with my work. It was a normal day, till it wasn’t.

“Hey buddy,” Ved’s voice echoed in my chamber.

“You have no idea how much I missed those untimely knocks at my door.”

I stood up and hugged him.

“Coffee?” I asked.

He nodded.

“So how were the things? Did you two gel well?” I inquired.

“Yeah…,” his lips immediately stretched into a smile.

“I think I can survive the next fifty years with her,” he added.

“I am happy for you. I could have told you ‘tell me all about it’, but if I will do… what will be left for Divya?”

“I need to tell you something,” he murmured in between, as I went on.

“…and then I will have to hear the whole story again.”

“I saw Kasam in Delhi,” these words left his mouth but didn’t reach my ears as I was consumed in my own excitement.

He stood up and came to me. Placing his hand on my shoulder, probing into my eyes he uttered, “I saw Kasam.”

It took a few moments of silence to absorb his words.

“So?” I said with an impatient voice.

“She looked kind of different.”

“That’s not a big deal. She might have come with her husband for a holiday,” I said without looking at him.

“I didn’t talk to her. She was in a rickshaw with a girl.”

“They might be visiting their parents or may have decided to settle in India,” I kept on blabbering to show I was oblivious to that stuff.

“She was not looking like herself. She looked devastated. She looked sad. Her face was pale.”

“Why do you think I want to know that?” I finally shouted at him.

“Because I know you,” he declared.

We stood there facing each other in silence when I turned my back on him and kneeled on the window.

“I don’t know but I sensed she was in some trouble.”

“Ved, I beg you don’t make me go down that lane again,” I appealed.

He placed his hand on my shoulder and said, “You should find out about her.”

“No, I don’t want to.”

“I know you way better to believe in that.” Saying this, he left the room.

The next week Ved and I were at Gautam’s place. Gautam was Kasam’s cousin residing in Mumbai and the one who helped her out in establishing Prayas.

I kept his number in case of emergency. I realised I never deleted any number associated with Kasam. Gautam was a family guy. He lived there with his wife, but they had no children yet. Gautam was eight years older to Kasam and looked after her from time to time. He ran a small computer consultancy firm. His house was huge with much old interior but well maintained. Probably he inherited it. While he went to bring us some
chai
as his wife was not around, I helped myself to look around a bit. There was a picture of him, his wife and Kasam hanging on the wall opposite to where we were sitting. I went near. It was of Prayas’ inauguration.

“Such a bright girl,” he said while entering the room and spotting me near that picture.

“When she said
bhaiya,
I wanted to run away. I gave her the idea of starting Prayas. I knew she would do it, but I never knew she would do it this well.”

I smiled as I settled down again and grabbed my cup.

“When she came here, twenty-one year old, fresh out of college. She had no knowledge of how things go around here, though she had that fire in her. She was one of the most determined people I ever saw.”

I nodded as I totally agreed with him.

He breathed out and continued, “Such a tragic life. For some people, the struggle never gets over and some of them lose themselves in the fight with their own destiny.”

I acted normal and asked, “What happened?”

“After two months of being married, she found out that what she suspected was right. Utsav was still involved with that girl. He used to sneak out from New York to Boston to see her. When she confronted him, he asked her to live with it. Even she was scared to let it all out to her parents. But when she decided to leave him and return back to India, he took possession of her passport. She went through a lot of torment till her parents brought her back to India.

“Now she is alone and devastated. I never thought I will ever see such a brave girl in that condition.”

I turned my head sideward as I sensed my eyes welling up.

After few more minutes, we left.

“I have booked your ticket for Delhi,” Ved told.

“What? When?”

“When we were talking to Gautam, I booked one flight for tomorrow over my cell.”

“I don’t know…” I was not prepared.

“We both know after overanalysing for weeks, you will go. So, save yourself, Kasam and us from that misery and go tomorrow morning.”

“Come along,” I was nervous.

“This, my friend, you need to do alone,” he said while we drove to office to get down with my leave application.

So, Delhi it was. From the airplane itself I caught a glimpse of the beautiful city. It looked so unorganised, so random, yet so vibrant and colourful. Never seen a city like this before which offers all the highs and lows. On one hand, it’s the kaleidoscope of various architectural legends, on the other, it offers modern erections, be it Chandni Chowk’s narrow lanes or broad roads of Connaught Place. One can meet people of all kinds, be it those who have migrated from other parts of the country in search of jobs, better education, better and larger life or those ladies selling Rajasthani goods on the streets. Those who shifted here in an attempt to flourish a small business or those who have always been here; all world-renowned brands or the high-pitched but sold low items of Palika Bazaar. Be it the cultural assimilation or the exquisite night life – all the extremes coincided here. Most of the above would hold true for several other cities as well, but I wasn’t in any other city. I was in Delhi and analysing its attributes, keeping the bitter memories of my last visit caged.

It had taken me a lot of self-compelling to come this far. I didn’t want anything to drop in which could make me to step back. I didn’t want anything to unleash my fear. Control is what time needs, ‘because it’s not about me, it’s about Kasam. And I have to stick that in my mind.

Followed by a series of card printing shops which struck not so fond memories of my last visit, I was finally there. After the initial half an hour of the so called
aao-bhagat
-cum-inquiry, I was allowed to see her. Her father was not much pleased with the idea of letting me in. I knew he was a little orthodox from my previous conversations with Kasam. He was all like ‘Why do you want to meet her?’, ‘How do you know her?’ When her mother said, “Let him meet her. Nobody comes for her. She might get a little cheered up on meeting her friends.” Her father, though not fully satisfied, finally relented. Her mother guided me through the way to her room. I was afraid to see her, to see what Ved had described. But I had to overcome every inch of hesitation. I had wasted a lot of time already. So, I jumped ahead without a thought. I stepped into her dimly lit room. It was not dark but curtains were drawn. I scanned the room. It was not bright, not at all colourful, even not cluttered with small little beautiful things. It was tidy; simple… it was not her.

She was sitting there in the lonely corner of an isolated room, in track pants and a loose sweatshirt barely clinging to her bones; hair tied up in a pony, definitely not combed recently. I was facing her back. Still she looked lean, weak and her palms were pale.

Her eyes were fixed in just one direction. Her body was firm as stone.

For most time of the past nine years, she was not in my life. I was wrecked, hurt, holding an ocean of pain and the unspoken feeling within myself. I don’t remember exactly but I’ve never cried.

Today when I saw the unimaginable, there was a glint in the corner of my eye which blurred everything. Kasam was the liveliest person I had ever seen. Seeing her like this numbed my senses. I wiped my tears, cleared my throat but she didn’t budge. I called out to her, ‘Kasam’.

She didn’t move. I was taken aback. I recollected myself and spoke again but with a louder voice ‘Kasam’, but she showed no sign of recognition. I stilled my back against the wall, folded my arms and supported myself by placing one foot on the wall. I remember once I asked her that ‘Why do you always dress flamboyantly and with so many bangles, earrings, accessories’ and she had replied in a very simple manner, ‘One day might come when I no longer may remain interested in doing these things so till then I’ll flaunt it.’ I never thought that this would happen.

If it did… then not like this.

I called out again, ‘Kasam’.

First time in her presence I didn’t feel uncomfortable. I didn’t weigh my words. I was simply myself. Perhaps because she was in a vulnerable stage or maybe because for the first time in her presence I didn’t feel vulnerable.

I stood there for around two hours – either Kasam didn’t notice me or she pretended not to. I left after that, fearing her parents might have some problem with my stay. I wasn’t able to sleep much that night. Next day again I went to her place, stood there for two hours, called her name, she didn’t reply and I came back.