The Girl I Last Loved (26 page)

“Have you ever noticed that a person who tends to say ‘no’ often ends up making the least of opportunities, least of life and least of himself?

“Nonetheless they are less liked by others.

“So, at the prime of most things, avoid saying ‘no’. If that’s not applicable, avoid negative sentences.

“Try saying, ‘I will give it a try’ instead of saying ‘I won’t be able to do it’.

“You will be conveying the same message in both the cases but the way it will be received is different.

“Not only the way you will be perceived by others will change but also the way you act will take an immense leap.

“Try changing your ‘no’ to safe words like ‘perhaps’, ‘maybe’, they will themselves change into ‘yes’ some day.”

She smiled and her charm was back as others were captivated by it.

“Generally we tend to focus on what we don’t have, be it ‘what we want’ or be it ‘what we can do’. For instance, if you are given some work, you will first try to stress on the parts which you are unaware of. Why not stress on the parts you know?

“We always crib upon the things which we didn’t get… why not stress on the things which we have received?

“Try bringing these changes in your life and not only you will change, but also the way you will be received by others will change.”

She spoke in a softer tone, “It won’t be easy, but whenever you feel low and start thinking negatively, look for that ray of positivity.

“Most of us will be fortunate enough to find that light in ourselves.

“If not, then you will find that light in God.

“Even then, if you are unable to find it, look around. There will always be someone in whom you will find that light. I will call it your ‘angel’.”

Kasam looked at me and smiled.

I nodded at her.

I felt ecstatic. Seeeing Kasam like this. Being the cause of that change… not only because it was Kasam… because I had that strength of bringing someone back to life.

“That’s one aspect of positivity – ‘how you can be positive’.”

She continued as she wrote it on the board. “Now let’s see how you can receive other people positively.”

My cell beeped. It was Ved calling me for a meeting. I indicated to Kasam that I was leaving.

She gave an understanding nod.

She joined her hands and spoke. “Whenever we meet a very charming, joyous kind of person who is very energetic, ‘a jack of all trade’.”

Her voice was little shaky. Ved could do without me but Kasam wouldn’t. I decided to stay there.

With the help of my hands, I assured Kasam that I was going to be here. Her face lit up as she continued in a more comfortable tone.

“We immediately feel threatened and start pinpointing what that person isn’t good at.

“We do that to assure ourselves that we are not the only one with flaws. But was there anything to feel threatened about? Were you two in a competition?

“You are great in your own way. You don’t need to make others feel small so as to feel you are big.”

She picked up the bottle to have some water but it was empty. I rushed to her with another bottle.

“How many times has it happened that there are some people in your surroundings with whom you have never talked or done anything bad to them, but still they give you cold vibes? Similarly there must be some friends who just like that stopped talking with you and you too never bothered.

“Why do these things happen? There might be several reasons for them. I am not here to discuss them. But I can tell you how you can avoid such situations.”

I never expected she would last this long… but she did.

“Go and wish them regularly… indulge in small talks, wish them luck on their important days…

“Appreciate them occasionally…

“Believe me however cold-blooded that person might, be his behaviour towards you ought to change.

“Remember these vibes are not individual. They are always mutual.

“I will leave you at this note. Kindly, someone summarise.”

She wasn’t chirpy like old days, telling me all about her session.

But there was a strange serenity on her face and I was not able to detach my eyes from her face.

I knew it wasn’t because of the soothing effect of the sun setting, or the gentle touch of cool breeze.

Nor the beautiful sound of the waves.

‘Mission accomplished’ was written all over her face. She was beaming with hope.

I didn’t want to disturb her thoughts, so I slowly took her hands in mine and started sliding the bangles I got for her. She threw a glance at them and then at me.

“Kasam, this is you. You like being like this and I like you this way,” I uttered without looking at her… cautiously sliding those bangles one by one.

“How was I?” Kasam’s voice sounded more like an appeal.

“You were good.”

Her face lit up and she asked like a little kid, “You think so?”

“I know so.”

To the soothing effect of the sunset, to the gentle touch of the breeze, to the beautiful sound of waves, sound of her bangles jingling were added.

And then I realised they were the music of my life.

Chapter 25

6 Months Later

If I wrap up the advances of past few months in a nutshell, it would be like…

Rakesh Bedi is doing well at job. Probably things between him and his wife have settled down.

My parents after coming back from Shimla got over their stigma of never leaving home and are planning a trip to visit all their children.

I don’t see much of Ved as he is a happily married guy now.

Divya reunited with Simon, who is now working with UNICEF and came to India for a campaign. They dated back in college when she was in London. She finally found her yang. At least for the time being.

Kasam, after staying at Gautam’s for a few months, returned to her home.

She is more mature, less open, less vulnerable though more beautiful than ever.

As she is helping the participants at Prayas, they are helping her to seal her past and expect good from future.

As for me… my life is fantastic. It’s calm and convenient. It’s finally normal.

I sometimes drop her to Prayas. I always pick her up in the evening and we discuss our day over coffee.

On a few afternoons I surprise her at lunch.

I have again started learning about new colours from her nail polish.

The tinkling of her bangles is still the music of my life. This is not exactly the type of relationship I pictured but it’s still nice.

Sometimes I think of asking her to be mine, but then I am scared to lose what we have now. This time is good.

She is here. She is with me. She is safe.

I am happy.

I never thought I would feel this way. But such is life. This is perfect.

There is nothing to reach for.

I am living in the moment and I am having the time of my life.

Why fix it, if it ain’t broken?

Chapter 26

An oak leaf flew on to my face. I waved it away. It flew back to the side of the road. Millions of such beautiful leaves covered the edges of the boulevard. They played music while brushing through the streets. Beautiful leaves, red at the edges and orange by the middle. Lying still… flowing away…I looked down that narrow street. Nobody was there.

Long trees decorated its sides. Swaying… kissing the sky. A spur of sunlight blocked my sight… and when it ended there, I saw it. A beautiful old wooden bench by the side of which Kasam was sitting in an orange gown, flowing down to her feet, her hair swaying like the trees… looking more beautiful than ever… sometimes brown… sometimes red… I stood where I was… She came to me… brushed her fingers on my face and gave a shy smile. She kept her head on my chest. I placed my hands around her. We stood there, unmoving. She looked up. I let her loose. She stepped back a few steps. I stood there. She kept on walking backwards. My eyes were fixed on her but I didn’t move at all… She turned back and ran. Through that beautiful street where oak leaves flew… where sun merged with the trees…she ran, leaving her shoes midway… she ran like a free bird. I turned and I ran away. My eyes were swollen… I ran as fast as I could, but opposite to her… she kept on running… I kept on running… she hugged a man… wrapped her long arms around his neck and smiled at him… I couldn’t see who it was. He placed his hands on her waist. She pressed her lips on to his…

I was not able to see him. I poured a bit deeper, still got no glimpse. All I could see was Kasam waving her hair, making the arena crimson as the colour of her hair. The picture started to turn a little. I could see her hands swaying around his shoulders. He ruffled Kasam’s hair with his fingers. I had this impelling urge to see who he was but his face was covered by Kasam’s. He seemed awfully known. Their lips parted. Kasam hugged him with her head resting on his shoulder. His face was right there. I saw him. The face which ruined my life before… there he was… happy, smiling, content. He was mocking at me without even doing anything. A chill ran down my spine. It was a moment which never lasted. My fist clenched.

I ran out of breath.

And there I caught it when I smashed my alarm clock on the floor.

I gulped some air. Breathed out and shook my head to believe what I saw. That face was mine… my own. I realised that the last time I saw this dream and to this point when I saw it again… my life… my life never really moved on. It kept on juggling back and forth. It was not Kasam. It was never Kasam who had the decision to make. Now I got it. The culprit was me. It was me who was responsible for all those moments we spent apart. I never loved myself enough to make her love me, not even that much to accept her love. It was I who needed to see things differently. One year back when I saw this very same dream, my subconscious also created the image I feared but kept it enclosed even from me. Thus in the dream, I ended up alone and she with someone else, following which the same happened in our lives and I wasn’t able to forge our destiny as within myself I never accepted our love. But today my subconscious showed me the reality. It showed me what Kasam and I were. We were together and we were never apart, be it eight years back or last year. She was mine as she is now. It was just that I couldn’t see it. Now I see it, I feel it and I know it.

I immediately jumped out of my bed. In the clouds of uncertainty, I had already lost a million moments of love, million moments of togetherness and now I was sure, a single moment of delay was what I was not making. I rushed in the shower, suited up in the best of my collection, black suit, white shirt, black tie, though a bit cliché… still nothing could charm a girl more, gelled my hair and combed it perfectly where every strand had its place. In an attempt of not spilling the whole bottle of perfume on to myself, I left the room. Five minutes later I was again there, giving my hair a messy look and five minutes later, making spikes. Finally after half an hour, the messy look was the final one. I didn’t want to wait for a single moment now. But the sarcasm here is that you will have to when you don’t want to.