The Girl I Last Loved (25 page)

“How can you say that?” she said dismissively.

“Because they are burdened by their own issues, they won’t have concern for anyone else.”

“You are just saying that,” she turned her face away.

“Listen, my father use to say… whoever fails in cracking the competition opens up a coaching class for it, as they are expert in knowing what the obvious mistakes to look out for are.”

She turned and started hitting me lightly.

“
Arey
…okay…okay…but on a serious note… those who fail as an actor become drama critics, those who studied literature and didn’t have time to write a book become reviewers… so, I am implying those who lived a more troublesome life know more how to mend it. You did so again and again in life. Thus, you can preach it. Besides you won’t just give them crap like ‘pain is nothing but a state of mind’ as you know it exists. It will help you to understand them better. They also will feel less vulnerable or intimidated. You will connect better as you know what they have gone through. This will help you both work things out in a better manner.”

She looked convinced.

“And, this time, you will be even better than before,” I said, taking her hands in mine.

“You think so?” she asked little unsure.

“I know it, so.”

As I had just made such good friends with her father, I cracked the news, “Kasam needs to go back to Mumbai.”

Chapter 24

As her numb fingers came in contact with the metal engraving spelt ‘Prayas’, not only did I see a response in her fingers but also a faint glint in her eyes.

As she progressed with heavy steps towards the lobby, tears welled up in my eyes.

God knew how much I missed Kasam being ‘Kasam’.

She was standing in front of the lift, afraid of pushing the button.

I recalled those days when she used to forget pressing any button while engrossed in her talk.

Now, even in complete silence, except the constant sound made by arrival of the lift and faint mumbling of the receptionist, she wasn’t aware of pressing the button.

I marched ahead and pressed the up-going button. She looked at me.

“See, I am finally coming to your session.”

I caught a smile on her face.

We weren’t alone in the lift, still my eyes were fixed on her. My eyes traced her slowly. Flat white slippers, plain white
patiala
, light blue coloured
kurti
with sleeves covering her entire arm.

Hair tied up in a ponytail. She once said that she felt more confident with her locks swaying.

Her only jewellery was a pair of pearl earrings. My thoughts were shaken by the lift opening on the seventh floor.

I whispered to Kasam, “Come.”

She followed but stopped just beside the gate.

“Maybe, it’s a bad idea. I won’t be able to do it,” she acted repulsed.

I flicked her hair clutch, sprayed her hair and uttered, “Believe me, you will be.”

I saw my belief reflecting in her eyes.

She pushed the door open and surprisingly ‘push’ was written over it.

I followed her. Just before entering the auditorium, she turned back to get a final confirmation.

I blinked my eyes slowly as to assure her.

“Oh! Shit,” she mumbled softly, over entering the auditorium filled with almost five hundred people.

She looked at me in absolute surprise and mouthed, “What the hell?”

I shrugged my shoulders and said, “It’s your fan following, I just did a little work in getting them here.”

A little work.

Google ads.

Facebook ads.

Creation of event, newspaper ads, posters. I harnessed all the power vested by social and print media – for the backup, releasing her previous videos on Youtube which granted her few followers not only in India but also abroad.

However, location constraints enabled only five hundred of them to turn up.

She looked at the crowd and for the first time I saw hesitation in her while being in this auditorium.

Somehow I saw that coming.

“I think you will need a mike,” I whispered. She looked at me with empty eyes devoid of confidence and trying to find a glint of it in mine.

I progressed with energetic steps to fetch the mike.

She extended her right hand to take it. Her fingers were slightly shaking.

I retrieved my right hand, placing the other on her shoulder, “I got it.”

She gave a faint, unbelieving smile.

“Allow me to have the honour of introducing Miss Kasam who has been a motivator for past five years. Not only has she done justice to her work but also touched lives of several.

“If you need to overcome your personal or professional problem, this is the place for you.

“Or just to forget what you are, this is the place for you.

“If you need a mentor, or someone to be a companion through your rough times…

“Sometimes just a friend who listens to you silently, Kasam is the person.”

“Ah! Akash here, as he is my friend, is being more than generous,” she spoke cutting me out. She was never very good with receiving appreciation.

Many times people have genuinely told her ‘she is pretty and she ended up either showing uneasiness or either explaining her beauty, saying, ‘it’s just the dress.’

‘Oh! Maybe my new hairstyle.’

Same as she was doing today.

“It’s not me who is worth all that praise. It’s you all. Whatever I say, they are experiences of fellow ‘Prayas’ participants. It’s you all… even me included as a group from which something I learned and something you all do.

“We get inspired by a member’s success story and we learned from someone’s mistake. Then try and refrain ourselves from making the same.”

Everyone clapped and cheered. In her attempts at being modest, she almost forgot to be nervous.

Sometimes when you are not all about self-belief, still you try with shivers running in your body.

Contrarily, you find that others had full belief in your capabilities. Then you realise there was nothing to worry about in the first place.

I didn’t advertise ‘Prayas’ so as to gain more participants, money or popularity. I did all that just for getting the same confidence back in Kasam.

While in my thoughts, I walked to the end of the auditorium.

“Let’s begin…”

My feet clung to the ground.

Without looking at her, I felt the joy in her voice. Kasam was back.

“Today we will be talking about positive thinking.”

She fumbled a little and maybe that’s why she stopped.

She looked at me.

I gave her a thumb’s up.

Then she continued with a smile, “Positive thinking? It’s not something you do on a one-time basis – suppose by being positive you took a risk in your business, or, by being positive you jumped in a relationship.

“It’s not even a ritual. It’s something which you can instil in yourself.

“Books may help, still you can’t learn it from there.

“Spiritualism is another window but not a door.

“Then how… from where can you bring it in?”

She raised her pitch to make it sound more like a question, though nobody answered.

“You are the answer. It’s a recursive correction process. You don’t need to try hard nor punish yourself for not being positive.”

She wasn’t that confident like the last time I saw her in Prayas but she was definitely way better than what she was at her house.

“Long way back, when I was in my first job, we were just chilling and discussing about whether God exists or not. You may be thinking that what’s the relation? Believe me there is.”

There were a few soft laughters.

“The discussion was all heated up. Though one of our friends was constantly stuck at the point that she has seen several real life experiences that if you pray with full devotion anything is possible. She kept on throwing examples from her family where some of her relatives suffered from a lethal disease… doctors gave up, but family’s belief and prayers saved them.

“Then I went on to counter that view by saying that if I pray for topping in university exams with true devotion… will I get that? She didn’t have any answer for that. But I do have an answer for it now.”

Everyone listened to her patiently. Her voice now regained confidence, still she was confined to the stage. Unlike earlier, her body was stiff.

“Haven’t you heard
‘Ache logon ke saath hamesha acha hi hota hai’.
Is it?

“We have heard it several times before. But do we believe in it? In reality do such things exists?

“Maybe or maybe not. There are real life examples of both such conditions.

“‘Good things happen to good people’.”

She spoke with more stress in her voice.

“Won’t it be better to put it like ‘whatever happens with good people… they consider it good.’

“They know what satisfaction is…

“‘I wanted a Volkswagen, I got an Indica… That’s good enough. Both do the same work; perhaps I deserve this much only.

‘I am fortunate to lose just my leg in the accident; at least I survived.’

‘I came second. Perhaps the one who came first deserved more than me. Till then I am happy as I worked hard. If I didn’t work this hard, perhaps I wouldn’t have landed this position as well.’

“Won’t you call these good?

“And from some other angle, aren’t these things the worst ever happenings.

“It’s just the way you look at it.

“Whether the glass looks half empty to you or half filled.

“Human nature tends to focus on the ‘half empty’ part.

“Bringing the half-filled part into the scene is going to be lot more tough.

“For some it will take months, for some years. As I already said, it will take time as it’s a continuous recursive process.

“Even I myself am not much in terms with thinking positive.

“Believe me, by thinking positive, nothing will change in your life. For instance, even if you think you will land up a promotion this year, it won’t guarantee a promotion.

“If you came second, thinking positively won’t fulfil your dream of coming first.

“In short, I repeat again it won’t change anything, but the way you look at the happenings will change.

“At the end, your gain and loss quotient will remain as you were. Still you will feel like a winner because you will be happy anyways.”

She was cheered with claps. It felt so proud to see Kasam like this… her body was no longer stiff. Hands were swaying with her words.

“So, we talked about being positive. I gave examples even. Now let’s break it down into simple routines which you can apply in your daily life.”

She gulped some water as others relaxed with little murmurings.

“Hey the guy in black T-shirt over there, can I know your name and what do you do?”

“Rajesh, I am a software engineer.”

“Hi Rajesh! So if you are asked by your employers to shift to a new domain, what will be your response?”

“Ahh! Perhaps I’ll say… sorry sir, that’s not what I an expert in. I won’t be able to do it.”

“That’s it. This is where positive doing comes into action. Your employer is also well aware of your shortcomings. He also knows you won’t be able to do it. But he believes you have the ability to surprise him. That’s why he asked you.”

She turned towards the lot.

“Why do we always reply in a negative tone? That’s because we see the half-empty glass.

“He could have said, ‘I am new to that domain but I will definitely give it a try’.”

She pointed at a man perhaps in his mid-forties.

“Here sir, I would assume you are married?”

The person nodded in ‘yes’.

“Suppose you are a very busy person and your wife asks you to come home early. Naturally you will say, ‘No, I can’t.’

“Why not say ‘I will try’?

“And don’t just put it in words, do try; rest is not under your control.”

She went back to the stage.

“Yes and no, most of the questions in our lives do not end up in such answers. So try avoid saying ‘yes’ or ‘no’ immediately, particularly ‘no’.

She progressed in between the crowd as she always did when about to close a topic.