The List (18 page)

When my eyes met my sister-in-law's, her shoulders dropped. “He ran out?”

I nodded and she shook her head.

“He'll be back,” she said. “He does this whenever I bring up your dad.”

I leaned against the doorframe. Everyone stared at me, but I couldn't meet anyone's gaze. Maybe bringing them into my family drama hadn't been the best idea.

Stacy jumped to her feet. “Come on, let's head into the city. He'll meet us when he cools off and we can have dinner.” Her expression was tense, but she did her best to force her mouth into a smile. It just ended up making her look like she was in pain.

I knew the feeling.

T
he rest of the football weekend was relatively uneventful. Ryan kept his distance and Chris took every opportunity he could to be close to me. He did his best to pretend we were still in that “friend” area, but the look in his eyes gave him away. It was obvious he was really hoping I'd change my mind. Even though I didn't want to encourage him, I found myself flirting with him just so I could avoid thinking about Ryan. Crappy thing to do? Yes. Did it work? Also yes.

The following Friday night I was in my dorm room all ready to study when there was a knock on the door. I opened it to find Chris smiling and holding a pizza. “Thought you might want to stay in tonight.”

My stomach lurched and jumped at the same time, but I opened the door wider and motioned for him to come in. “Sounds good.”

We ate pizza over the box while Chris did his best to move the conversation forward. My mouth was barely working enough to get pizza down, so I couldn't get more than a word or two out. We'd only seen each other a couple of times since we got back from Atlanta. There hadn't really been an opportunity for us to discuss the flirting. It was crystal clear what he thought it meant, but I didn't have a clue what I thought. At the time I was just thinking about what I could possibly do to erase Ryan from my mind once and for all. Chris was a convenient target.

Halfway through his third slice, Chris sighed and dropped the pizza. “Okay, so I need to know what you're thinking.”

I swallowed a piece about three times bigger than my throat and started coughing. Chris pounded me on the back and my eyes filled with tears. The pizza slowly moved down and I took a big gulp of Coke while I tried to buy myself some time. What the hell was I supposed to say?

When I'd stopped coughing, Chris raised his eyebrows at me. “Well? Were you or weren't you flirting with me last weekend?”

“Um . . .” I took another drink and coughed a little. It sounded fake, even to me.

He got up. “You were just having fun. I get it.”

He shook his head and headed toward the door, and my heart pounded. What did I want? Ryan. That was obvious. But it wasn't happening. So how did I see Chris? I tapped my toe and chewed on my bottom lip. A distraction. That's how I saw him. Maybe it wasn't fair to Chris, but it was the most I could hope for at that moment.

I jumped up and raced across the room, grabbing Chris by the shoulders just as he got to the door. He spun around and we stared at each other in silence for a few seconds. Then I kissed him.

He pulled back and his eyes got huge. He shook his head. “What does that mean?”

“It means I like you. You're cute and fun and there's nothing wrong with having a good time. But I'm not looking to get serious. Got it? Casual. You have to keep that in mind.”

He blinked and took a deep breath. “So you're going to date other guys?”

I shrugged and took a minuscule step back, chewing on the inside of my cheek. “I don't know, but if I do, I'll tell you.”

He swallowed. “And what about going home with random guys at bars?”

I cringed. That had definitely been a bad idea. “I won't. That was stupid, anyway.”

He nodded slowly and glanced down. I held my breath while he thought it through. When he looked up, he smiled. Then he kissed me. I was so surprised I stumbled back. He grinned and I laughed; then he kissed me again.

His mouth moved fast on mine, like he was desperate. In a matter of seconds, it wasn't funny anymore and we stumbled to my bed. Then Chris was on top of me, grinding his body against mine. My body throbbed with every move he made. I wanted more, but he was being so damn cautious. His hands moved down my arms and over to my hips, but nothing else. He grabbed my butt and squeezed. My lust reached a boiling point and I was tired of waiting. I grabbed his hand and put it on my boob.

Chris groaned and I kissed him more deeply, grinding against him harder. His hand moved down my stomach, then up under my shirt. He jerked my bra aside and cupped my bare breast, and I moaned. He rolled my nipple between his fingers and a flash of heat swept over me, pulsing at my core. I gasped and pressed my body against his while he teased my nipple. I closed my eyes. This was what I needed. A distraction.

I pushed Chris back and pulled my shirt over my head. He was breathing heavily, and his brown eyes followed every move I made when I undid my bra. Then his lips curled into a smile and he ran his hands up my stomach to my breasts, flicking his thumbs over both nipples at the same time. My body jerked.

Chris smiled. “You like that?”

I nodded and he grinned. His fingers went back to work on my nipples while he kissed me and his body moved against mine. I squeezed my eyes shut. This was it. I was ready to get it over with.

“Do you have a condom?” I whispered against his mouth.

Chris stopped mid-kiss and sat up. “What?”

Why was he so confused by that question? “A condom.”

He shook his head. “Why?”

“What do you mean? I thought it was pretty obvious.”

He frowned and moved his hands off my breasts. I had the sudden urge to cover up. That wasn't a normal reaction when you were lying in front of someone you wanted to have sex with. Was it?

“We've never really talked about this,” Chris began, “but you're a virgin, right?”

A sinking feeling started in my stomach and I nodded. Why did this feel so familiar?

He shook his head. “So you don't want to get serious with me, but you want to have sex with me?”

The sinking feeling increased until it felt like a boulder was in my gut, pressing me against the mattress. Weren't guys supposed to be thankful when you threw yourself at them? “Is that a problem?”

“I just want to know why.”

I said the first thing that popped into my head. “Because I'm tired of being a virgin and you're here?” It came out sounding like a question. And that damn boulder rolled around, weighing me down.

Chris jerked like I'd hit him. He shook his head and jumped off the bed, and I scrambled after him. My shirt was on the floor and I scooped it up so I could cover my breasts. Chris stood by the door like he was about to walk out.

“What's wrong?”

“I don't want to be the guy you sleep with because you're bored, Annie.”

What the hell? “Sex doesn't have to be a big deal, right?”

Chris didn't move from the door. “But it would be a big deal to me because I like you.”

Crap. I pulled my shirt over my head. My face was on fire and Chris reached for the door. Every time I came close to having sex, the guy walked out on me. Weren't they supposed to be the ones begging for it? A girl could get a complex at this rate.

Chris didn't leave, but his hand was still on the doorknob. He wouldn't look at me. I'd hurt his feelings. The realization made the boulder in my gut grow bigger. It had never occurred to me he'd care. I thought all guys were okay with no-strings-attached sex.

“I'm sorry,” I whispered. “I didn't know.”

“So if I hadn't been here, it could have easily been some other guy?”

Double crap. “No, Chris. It's not like that. You're nice and fun, and I do find you attractive. I just thought it would be easier to get it over with, and you seemed willing.”

He nodded, but still didn't look up.

“I'm sorry,” I repeated.

Chris nodded again and turned the knob. “I'm gonna head out.”

Triple crap with cherries on top! “Okay. I'll talk to you later?”

“Yeah,” he said, slipping out the door and pulling it shut behind him.

I sighed and plopped down in my desk chair. That was just great.

My toe tapped on the floor and I squeezed my legs together. The heat between my thighs got worse. Sexual frustration sucked.

 

We never talked about it again. Chris went back to his good-boy behavior, which meant only over-the-clothes stuff. All it did was leave me hot and frustrated every time we were together.

Cami's fling with Mike was over and she was back to sneaking around with Liam. At least I assumed they were sneaking around. I hadn't seen Ryan since our trip to the football game and I refused to bring him up to Cami, so if he knew I had no way of finding out.

However, I did not have a problem pumping Jess for information. I slid into the empty seat next to her and smiled. “How's it going?”

Jess's birthday had just passed and she'd told me the week before that she and Ryan were going out. I'd somehow missed her the first few classes, so I was dying to ask how her birthday had been. Or really, to make sure she and Ryan were still just causal.

Jess shrugged and flipped her book closed. “Fine.” She sighed and looked around, then leaned closer. “Can I ask you something?”

I nodded.

“You and Chris have been going out for a few months, right?”

I nodded again, probably a little more eager than necessary.

“So have you and Chris had
sex
?” She lowered her voice when she said
sex
and looked around again.

My throat was tight. Why was she asking? Did it have something to do with Ryan? Had they slept together? If they had, I couldn't take hearing about it . . . but I couldn't take not knowing either.

“Um . . .” I swallowed. “No.”

Jess exhaled and swept her dark hair off her shoulder. “At least I'm not the only one.”

A nervous laugh popped out of my mouth and my cheeks grew warm. “So you and Ryan?” The words barely made it out, my mouth was so dry.

She shook her head. “No.”

“I thought it was just casual. Did you change your mind?”

She shrugged and gave me a wicked smile. “It is, but you know. Doesn't mean we can't have a little fun.”

Thank God. I exhaled and her eyes darted to me. I choked out a nervous laugh. “Sorry. I've been having a similar issue.” She had no idea.

Jess elbowed me lightly. “Looks like we're going to have to have a brainstorming session. Maybe hit up Victoria's Secret.”

My stomach dropped and the laugh I forced out hurt my throat. “Yeah.” There was no way in hell.

She tossed her hair over her shoulder. “Well, if I don't get anywhere with Ryan I'm going to be moving on here really soon. There's a guy in my chem lab that is yummy with a capital Y. I'm sure he'd be up for a little fun.”

I did my best not to act too enthusiastic when I nodded and said, “Sounds like he might be the guy you're looking for.”

“S
o, you still have six things left on your list,” Cami said. She was lying on her bed, studying the notebook while she chewed on her lip.

I brushed out my wet hair and tried not to think about it. Number thirteen was haunting me. I'd been trying to give it away for months, and so far there hadn't been any takers. Well, that wasn't totally true. Ty from the beach would have jumped at the chance. It was the honorable guys I was having trouble nailing down—literally.

Cami rolled onto her stomach and tossed the notebook aside. “Maybe we could work on it over Thanksgiving.”

It was like she had reached inside me and squeezed my stomach. I stopped brushing my hair and turned away, so she didn't notice I was gasping for air. Thanksgiving was the following Thursday, and I was spending the week with Cami and her family. With Ryan. Just the thought of Ryan and number thirteen had my legs wobbling.

“You okay?” Cami asked.

I took a deep breath and nodded. “What were you thinking?”

“Tattoo? Or get someone's number since the guys totally ruined that one for you. It's not like we can work on you breaking someone's heart or getting your heart broken. And unless you want to sleep with Ryan . . .” She laughed and I squeezed my eyes shut. “The formal we can take care of at Christmas, thanks to Liam's frat.”

My eyes were still closed and I nodded. “Sounds good.”

 

The house Cami and Ryan grew up in was like something out of a Nicholas Sparks movie. It was huge and white, and had a wraparound porch. Huge live oak trees sat in the front yard with Spanish moss swaying in the wind. The Ashley River was in the backyard.

Ryan parked in front of the porch and my already pounding heart kicked up about four notches. He hadn't said a single word to me and his jaw was insanely tight.

“What's your deal, Ryan?” Cami snapped. “You and Jess have a fight or something?”

Ryan rolled his eyes and shoved the door open. “Drop it, Cami. Jess and I are not fighting. It's not like that.”

Cami huffed and stepped out of the car. I stumbled out after her. “What do you mean ‘it's not like that'?”

Ryan climbed out and slammed the door. “We're not serious. The thing with us is just . . .” He took a deep breath. “. . . a way to pass the time, I guess.”

“Then you must be having PMS, because you're moodier than a woman.”

She turned away from her cousin and flashed me a brilliant smile. She bounced toward the house on her toes, acting like she hadn't been home in years.

“Come on,” she said, waving me toward the house. “You need to meet my mama.”

“My suitcase—”

Cami sighed and ran back to me. She grabbed my arm and pulled. Hard. “Ryan will get the bags.”

Every mention of his name made my stomach jump higher. Pretty soon it would reach my throat and then I'd be really sorry Cami had talked me into that burger for lunch.

We were halfway up the stairs when the front door opened. Cami's mom walked out, grinning from ear to ear. She was just as short as Cami and her smile was just as bright. Her dark hair and makeup were perfectly in place, and her khaki linen pants were perfectly pressed. She was wearing a pink sweater set and pearls, and she looked like the stereotypical southern woman.

“Well, here they are!” She threw her arms around her daughter, kissing her on the cheek, before turning to me. “And you must be Annie. It's so nice to have you here.”

I shuffled my feet and forced out a smile. Ryan dragged suitcases up the stairs behind me and my heart went into double-time. “Thanks for having me, Mrs. Summers.”

She waved her hand in the air and gave me a huge smile. “Call me Becky, please.”

Calling this southern lady by her first name just didn't seem right, but I couldn't argue. Especially not when Ryan threw the suitcases down next to me and pulled his aunt in for a big hug. She squealed when her feet left the ground, and there was a smile on Ryan's face for the first time since we'd left the dorm.

When Becky was back on her feet, she fanned her face and giggled. It sounded exactly like Cami. “Bring your stuff in the house! It's sweltering out here.”

I reached for my bag at the same time as Ryan, and our hands touched. He jerked back like he'd been burned. When his eyes snapped up, they met mine. My face was on fire, and my stomach jumped so high, I was sure I was going to throw up right there on the porch.

“Sorry,” I mumbled.

Ryan cleared his throat and shook his head. “I'll get it.”

I nodded and tried to thank him, but I couldn't make a sound. Cami stood by the door, tapping her toe impatiently. I forced out a smile and hurried inside.

By the time Cami was done giving me the tour and I had settled into my room, I was more than ready to escape. No matter how hard I tried to avoid Ryan, he was there at every turn. We'd almost bumped into each other in the kitchen, and when Cami was showing me the upstairs he came out of the bathroom and ran right into me. My nerves were wound so tight that I shook, and his hands on my arms when he tried to stop me from falling didn't help. Being trapped in the house with him for a week was going to be torture.

Dinner was a traditional southern meal: fried chicken, mashed potatoes, collard greens, and homemade biscuits. Cami's mom was quite the cook.

Cami looked nothing like her father. He was big and broad, with light brown hair. Oddly enough, Ryan kind of did. Which made no sense because they weren't actually related.

Mr. Summers, or Rick, spent the meal drilling his daughter about classes, Ryan about girlfriends, and teasing me incessantly.

My cheeks were already red from him saying—for the hundredth time—that I was prettier than any of those movie stars out in California, when he suddenly turned to Ryan and said, “She acts like she doesn't believe me. You tell her, Ryan.”

Ryan stopped with his fork halfway to his mouth and his eyes got huge. “Tell her what?”

His uncle rolled his eyes. “Tell her she's pretty! You're not blind, so I know you noticed.”

My face got even hotter and Ryan lowered his fork. His gaze met mine and all the air was sucked out of the room. Those gray eyes swept over my face and he pressed his lips together, but after a second they softened and turned up into a smile. It almost made me cry.

“You're beautiful, Annie,” he whispered. “You know that.”

My legs shook and I had to cross my ankles to keep the chair from shaking. Electricity sizzled through the air.

Cami laughed. “Chris thinks so too.”

Ryan flinched and tore his eyes away from mine.

Cami kept talking, and I tried my hardest not to look at Ryan. It didn't really work. Every few seconds my eyes would find their way to him and my breath would catch in my throat. Cami was oblivious, but Ryan's aunt didn't miss a thing.

I helped clear the table and Becky eyed me knowingly the entire time.

“Chris ever tell you how he and Ryan met?” she said while she put leftover food in plastic containers.

I was running a dirty plate under the water, and my hands shook so badly I almost dropped it. The sink was ceramic, so it would have broken for sure.

“Um . . . no?”

She pressed her lips together and nodded. “They were nine. Ryan was having trouble at school. Things were rough with his mama, and he was a shy kid because of it. Anyway, some older boys were picking on him, and Chris stepped in. Ryan's tall now, but he was a little guy back then. Chris was almost a whole head taller than him.” She smiled to herself while she scraped mashed potatoes out of a bowl. “Chris stood up to those boys and was rewarded with a black eye. He and Ryan have been best friends ever since.”

“Chris is sweet,” I mumbled. What did she want me to say exactly?

She nodded and pursed her lips, then glanced over her shoulder. When she looked back, her brown eyes met mine and I froze. “Ryan's real loyal to Chris, but their friendship is strong. They'd be able to get through anything.”

“Ryan doesn't think so,” I whispered.

Becky smiled and turned back to the leftovers. “They're like brothers.”

 

I spent the weekend tiptoeing around Ryan, listening to Cami blab about her high school friends getting into town, trying to soothe my dad.

On Monday night Cami dragged me to a bar with three of her high school friends. They were just as loud and giggly as Cami, and it took just twenty minutes at a table with them before my head started pounding.

Cami would pick out random guys and try to get me to flirt with them so I could cross another item off my list, but my heart wasn't in it. All I could think about was Ryan. Chris wasn't working as a distraction, and there was no doubt in my mind that I was going to have to do something about our relationship before I got in too deep. We couldn't keep dating.

Just when I was sure my headache couldn't get any more intense, my phone rang. It was sitting on the table and a picture of me and Chris popped up. My head throbbed harder and I grimaced. Before I could hit ignore, Cami swept the phone off the table and answered it.

“Christopher,” she sang. “How's Florida?”

She giggled and grinned at me, and all her silly friends smiled just as big. They seemed to think Chris was some kind of god, and the fact that I'd landed him made me a legend or something.

“We're at a bar.” Cami rolled her eyes. “Don't worry so much.”

My stomach tightened. I had the urge to rip the phone out of her hand and throw it across the room. No. This wasn't working at all.

“Yeah, yeah.” Cami held the phone out and plastered a big smile on her face. “Chris wants to talk to you.”

I forced my mouth up into a smile and took the phone. “I'm going to take this outside.”

A fog of smoke surrounded me when I stepped out. I coughed and waved my hand in front of my face, glaring at the source of the smoke.

The guy smiled and took another drag, blowing it in the other direction. “Sorry.”

I walked to the opposite side of the door. We might have been well into November, but the air was still sticky. Damp hair clung to the back of my neck. Right about then a cool California evening sounded good.

Taking a deep, soothing breath, I put the phone to my ear and closed my eyes. “Hi, Chris. How are your grandparents?”

“Good. But I miss you.”

Here he goes again.
“Casual, Chris. Remember?”

There was an awkward pause, then Chris sighed. “How're the Summerses?”

“Good.”

Chris didn't respond and I searched my brain for something to say. Nothing came to mind. We needed to have a talk as soon as he got back from Florida. Crap.

“Are you okay?”

I sighed. “Sorry. I have a headache and Cami dragged me out. Her friends are . . . loud.”

He laughed and it sounded more natural. Maybe I was giving him false hope, but I needed to talk to him in person. Breaking up over the phone would be a crappy thing to do.

“I completely understand.”

“Can we talk later?”

He chuckled again. “Sure. Call me when you get a chance.”

I hung up and slumped against the building. Ending things with Chris for the second time was going to suck. There was no way we'd be able to salvage our friendship. But I had to do it. I wasn't being fair to him.

When I opened my eyes the smoking guy grinned at me. “Boyfriend problems?”

“Something like that.”

He grinned even more and wiggled his eyebrows. “I could help you take your mind off things.”

And he could help knock number sixteen off my list, but I wasn't in the mood. Between Ryan and Chris and everything with my dad, the list didn't seem so important anymore. If anything, it seemed kind of dumb. I was living. I was getting my heart trampled on every day, but there wasn't a single thing about it that was satisfying.

“I don't think so.” I pushed myself off the wall and headed toward the door.