The List (20 page)

“You don't need me to be happy,” he said.

My eyes stung and I shook my head. “Without you I'm pretty damn miserable, so I can't imagine it getting much worse.”

Ryan sighed and ran his fingers through his hair once again. He shook his head and took a step back. His eyes met mine and he let out a bigger sigh. “Can't we just be friends? I like being your friend.”

“Is it even possible? For us to be friends without constantly having the temptation to do more?”

“I guess not.” Ryan exhaled and stared over my head. It felt so final.

I sucked in a deep breath and when I exhaled, a sob came out. “Then I guess we don't have anything else to talk about.”

I turned away from him, blinking to clear the tears from my vision. It didn't help. Nothing ever would.

M
y leg shook and the heel of my boot tapped against the floor, pounding to the beat of my heart. Java City was too full. There was no way in hell Chris and I would be able to talk privately. We would have to go for a walk.

For the hundredth time I glanced at my watch. My stomach jerked and the temperature in the room shot up twenty degrees. It was five until ten. Chris would be walking through the door any minute. It was going to suck.

My heel tapped faster when the door opened and his warm, brown eyes met mine. He grinned and practically ran over to me. It reminded me of Cami. I'd never seen Chris bounce around like that. Shit.

He leaned down to give me a kiss, but I turned my head at the last second. His lips hit my cheek. As he stepped back, the corners of his mouth turned down. I swallowed and forced out a smile. It made my stomach ache even more than before. Yup. This was going to suck really badly.

“You okay?” he asked, narrowing his eyes.

I jumped up before he could take the empty seat across from me. “Yeah. Let's go for a walk. It's too crowded in here.”

His eyebrows pulled together, but he nodded. I scooped up my nearly full coffee cup and dropped it in the trash can on my way out. My stomach was too uneasy to drink it.

We stepped out onto Calhoun Street—crowded for that time of morning on a Sunday—and the pain in my gut only worsened. I wrapped my arms around myself while Chris rambled on and on about Florida. There was no way to get my mouth working enough to join in, so I just nodded while we headed toward the bay.

That of course turned out to be a huge mistake. The crowd was even thicker down by the water. What the hell was going on? Where had all those people come from?

I was still hugging myself when we stopped and leaned against the rail. The air was cool—finally—and tasted like salt. Squeezing my eyes shut, I inhaled through my nose until my lungs were so full they threatened to burst, then let the breath out through my mouth in one big puff.

“You sure you're okay, Annie?”

Chris's question made me jump, and a squeak that reminded me of a wounded animal popped out of my mouth. My eyes flew open and met his, and all the courage I'd gained from that little pep talk disappeared. Yup. It was going to suck balls.

“We need to talk,” I blurted out.

Chris flinched, then swallowed. “Okay, but before you say anything, I have something I want to say.”

Was he going to beg? I hoped not. It wouldn't change my mind and it would probably just make me throw up.

“Okay . . .”

Chris cleared his throat and took a step closer to me. When he grabbed my hand I almost jerked it away, and everything inside me took a dive. But I did my best to stay calm and not freak out. It wasn't easy.

“Annie, I know you've been wanting to keep this casual and I said that was okay. But while I was in Florida I did a lot of thinking. I missed you, and know now what I want.”

Oh crap.

“I can't get you out of my mind, and being away from you this past week was torture.”

Double crap.

Chris took a deep breath and warning bells went off in my head. It was about to get really, really bad.

“I've never felt like this before.” He swallowed. “I think I'm in love with you, Annie.”

No, no, no, no, NO! There was no way that just happened.

I pulled my hand out of his and shook my head. Dammit. Why had I let him say anything? Because I was a chicken, that's why. I'd wanted to put what I had to say off as long as possible. Look where that got me! Now instead of just hurting him I was about to embarrass him too. Awesome.

“Chris—”

He raised his hand to stop me and his face scrunched up, like I'd hit him or he was preparing for me to hit him. Probably the second one. “Don't do this. Please, Annie. I can make you happy.”

I shook my head. “You can't.”

His hand fell to his side and he looked down. Holy crap. This sucked big-time.

“I don't think we should see each other anymore,” I blurted out.

His entire body jerked and he took a step back, but he didn't look up. “Why?” he asked the ground.

“I like you, Chris, but only as a friend.”

“There's someone else.”

It wasn't a question. Did he know? I tried to get a good look at his face, but he was still looking down. No. He couldn't . . . could he?

“I have feelings for someone else,” I said, holding my breath while I waited for his reaction.

He finally looked up. His eyes shimmered and there was so much pain on his face, it literally took my breath away. “Who?”

I exhaled and my shoulders relaxed. I hadn't even known they were tense. He didn't know. “It's not important,” I said. “He's not interested in me like that.” Just saying it hurt.

“So you're not dumping me for him?”

“No. I just don't think it's fair. You're clearly more serious than I am, and the longer we do this, the more you're going to get hurt.”

Chris ran his hand down his face, smearing a few unshed tears across his cheeks in the process. “What if I don't care?”

Damn. “But I care, Chris. Eventually this will have to end, and the sooner it happens, the easier it will be on you.”

He looked down at the ground again. “I should have slept with you.”

“That's not what this is about.” Did he really think I was dumping him because he wouldn't have sex with me? When had our roles gotten reversed?

“But I wanted to.” He looked up. “I still want to. Just give me this. One last day with you.”

Oh shit.

I shook my head and swallowed, and prepared myself for what I was about to say. “I'm glad we didn't sleep together. You're not the one I want. He is.”

Chris jerked back and shook his head. I held my breath and counted. I only got to three before he was backing away. “I can't be here right now.”

I took a step toward him. “Chris.”

He turned around and waved over his shoulder, then jogged away from me. Every millimeter of my body hurt for him, but underneath that was an enormous sense of relief I couldn't ignore. It had sucked and I had hurt Chris, but it was the right thing. And I was so glad I'd done it.

 

“Well, that takes care of number nineteen,” Cami said.

She pulled out her notebook and crossed
break someone's heart
off the list. It was the first time she wasn't smiling.

“I'm sorry,” I mumbled.

Cami looked up and her frown got deeper. “Why are you sorry?”

“Because I hurt Chris and he's your friend.”

She threw the notebook and pen on her desk and crossed her arms over her chest. “You don't have to apologize about that. I feel bad for Chris, but you can't keep dating him just to keep from hurting him.
That
would be a shitty thing to do.”

I sighed and stared at the ceiling. The whole thing was shitty.

“Are you okay?”

I shifted so I was facing Cami. She was still frowning. I'd never seen her go so long without a smile on her face. Dating sucked. Why had I been so eager to jump into this world of heartache? I couldn't remember.

“Yeah.”

We stared at each other for a few seconds. The room felt like it was shrinking. I couldn't sit there any longer. I needed air.

I rolled off the bed and grabbed my running shoes off the floor. “I need to go for a run.”

Cami huffed. “We should go out. Celebrate your newfound freedom by getting a guy's number.”

“I'm not in the mood right now,” I said, pulling my shoes on. “Maybe next weekend.”

Cami sighed. “Okay.”

I jumped up and bounced around on the balls of my feet for a few seconds, then gave her a quick smile. “Thanks for not hating me for dumping Chris.”

“Hoes before bros.”

I laughed. Leave it to Cami to make me smile when everything in me wanted to cry—or scream.

The street was just as crowded as it had been earlier, and I followed the same path Chris and I had taken to the bay. My feet pounded against the uneven pavement while Phillip Phillips's smooth voice filled my head.

“
They say you'll find yourself one of these days . . .”

Tears blurred my vision and I moved faster. My chest was tight and my throat even tighter. I forced my legs to move while I gasped for breath. I felt so lost.

Maybe leaving home had been a mistake.

By the time I reached the bay I couldn't breathe. I stopped by the railing and stared out over the water, panting for breath. The song switched and I almost ripped the earbuds out of my head when Sara Bareilles's “Gonna Get Over You” came on. A bitter laugh that was mixed with even more bitter tears broke out. What were the odds?

I pulled the earbuds out with as much self-control as possible and tucked my iPod into my pocket. The sun was low over the Cooper River and the Ravenel Bridge was lit up in the distance. A boat carrying tourists on their way back from Fort Sumter passed and my nerves slowly began to untangle.

It wasn't a tragedy. I'd broken someone's heart and my own heart was in serious danger, but no one had died. Chris and I would both heal eventually and move on, and one day we'd look back at the situation with less bitterness. Maybe we'd even be thankful. What was that twangy country song? “Unanswered Prayers
.
” That's what it was. Maybe one day I'd understand that song.

When I turned and spotted Ryan jogging toward me, I wasn't the least bit surprised. We'd run into each other too many times. Maybe there was a small part of me that had even hoped I'd see him when I decided to go for a run. Maybe.

He slowed down when he was only six feet from me and pulled his earbuds out. He smiled, but his eyes gave away his real feelings. He already knew, of course. “You okay?”

I nodded and sniffed. “I feel like a jerk.”

“Chris will be okay.”

My eyes met his and everything in me wound back up into a tight ball. The air around us crackled. “He told me he loved me.”

Ryan nodded slowly, but he didn't act surprised. He knew. He'd tried to warn me over Thanksgiving break. I should have known.

“You already knew that.”

He nodded again, then turned and looked out over the water. “And now you understand why I can't hurt him by being with you.”

“No,” I said. “I still don't.”

“Then I'm sorry.”

“Me too.”

We stood side by side in silence, watching the sun set in the distance. His arm brushed up against mine and my skin tingled. His touch was like magic. How was I ever going to get over him?

I exhaled and pulled my iPod back out. My hands shook while I scrolled through my playlist, looking for a good song to cry to, something that would match the ache in my stomach and the crack in my heart that seemed to get bigger with each passing day. “Ashes and Wine”—perfect.

“I think spending time alone with you is bad for me,” I said.

Ryan turned to face me. His expression was pained, but he nodded. “I agree. I can't control myself when I'm with you.”

I put my earbuds in, but before I could leave, Ryan grabbed my hand. He pulled one of the earbuds out and leaned forward. His lips brushed against my cheek and I closed my eyes. They moved up to my ear and my insides quivered.

“If I could have one wish, I'd wish for you.”

His lips moved away and the earbud was placed back in my ear, but I didn't move. The ache in me spread as the air around me chilled. When I opened my eyes, he had already left.

T
he following weekend Cami dragged me to bars and did her best to get me picked up. I went with little complaining, but didn't flirt like she wanted me to. My heart just wasn't in it. After the second failed attempt, she let me off the hook.

We were only a week from Christmas break. For the first time since I'd left California, I missed being home. My plane ticket had me leaving Saturday night, and by Monday evening I was counting down the hours. All I wanted to do was hide in my room. Too bad Cami had convinced me to go to the formal Liam's frat was having. The last thing I wanted was to get dressed up and hang out with Cami and Liam, or see Ryan and Chris, who would more than likely be there.

By Wednesday, I was trying to think of a way out of it. I had a royal blue strapless dress that looked fabulous on me, but no date. Going wouldn't do me any good, just torment me with the things I couldn't have. But Cami was persistent, so I was having a tough time convincing her I should sit it out.

I was hanging out in Java City studying for my last final when Mitch plopped into the chair across from me. He wore a black leather jacket and his cheeks were red from the chilly air. His blond hair was ruffled, but cute. He grinned, and when his blue eyes flashed, I knew I was in trouble.

“Haven't seen you around.”

I shrugged and shut my book. I was going to need to give this guy my full attention if I wanted to wriggle out of whatever he was about to suggest. He was a smooth talker.

“Chris and I aren't seeing each other anymore.”

He nodded and his grin got bigger, revealing two adorable dimples that would have made most girls swoon. Too bad my swooning was reserved for someone else. “I heard. That's too bad.”

The smile on his face told me he didn't think it was bad at all. I took a deep breath and prepared myself.

He scooted his chair around the table, closing the distance between us. “So Liam says he and Cami are going to this formal and you're supposed to go with them.”

Yup. There it was. “That's the plan,” I said, leaning farther away.

He didn't take the hint; he moved closer. “I thought maybe I could tag along so you'd have company. You don't want to be the third wheel, do you?”

I had the urge to roll my eyes, but the truth was, I didn't want to be the third wheel. At that moment, I couldn't think of much that sounded worse.

“Not as a date?”

He shrugged, but his eyes sparkled. “Doesn't have to be.”

I nodded and stared down at my history book. Mitch was cute and he'd probably be nice company. There was no way it was going to be a date—I wouldn't repeat the mistake I'd made with Chris—but it would be a relief to have someone to talk to.

When I looked up, his blue eyes were still studying me, and I gave him a tentative smile. “As long as you understand we're just friends.”

He grinned. “Whatever you say.”

 

The Christmas formal was at the same beach house as the first frat party, and before we even set foot in the door, I knew going with Mitch had been a mistake. He was being way more handsy than a friend should be, and even though it wasn't anything really big—just a hand on my lower back while we walked and stuff like that—it made me squirm.

The house was decked out in Christmas lights and red bows and garlands. The guys were all dressed in suits and the girls in dresses—most of which were short and low-cut. If Mitch hadn't turned into an octopus, and my stomach wasn't twisted into knots, I might have loved the atmosphere. As it was, all of it made me a jittery ball of nerves.

“You want a drink?” Mitch asked. He grinned and his head bobbed to the beat of the music ever so slightly.

I was just about to tell him no when I spotted Ryan on the other side of the room with Jess. My stomach jumped and twisted into a knot so intricate it would make a Boy Scout envious. There was no way in hell I'd make it through the night without a drink.

“Yeah.”

Mitch headed off to get me a drink while Cami and Liam slipped into the crowd, leaving me alone. I wandered over to the big windows overlooking the ocean. From that vantage point I wouldn't be able to see Ryan. If I kept looking at him, I was going to throw up for sure.

Mitch came back with a beer and I downed half of it while he raised his eyebrows. “Ready to party, huh?”

“Something like that,” I mumbled.

In my heels I was about half an inch taller than Mitch, putting us pretty much at eye level. If he wanted to kiss me, he'd only have to lean forward a little. He stood closer to me than necessary and my face got warm. Coming to the party with him had been a huge mistake.

I stepped back and took another big drink. “I told you we were just friends.”

Mitch just grinned. “We can be friends with benefits, right?”

I shook my head. “I'm not like that. Sorry.”

My eyes scanned the room and stopped on Amber. She was wearing a gold dress cut almost to her belly button, showing more of her bodacious boobs than ever before. It was obscene.

When I looked back, Mitch's blue eyes were still on me—although slightly south of my face. He looked up and grinned, but I shook my head, then tilted it toward the crowd. “Why don't you try Amber? You've been there before, right?”

Mitch frowned, but he looked in her direction anyway. When he spotted Amber in the crowd, it was obvious. His frown morphed into a smile and his eyes lit up. He nodded and took a big drink.

“See you around.”

Then I was alone again.

I finished off my beer and got another, followed by another. There was nothing for me to do but stand off to the side and watch Ryan and Jess. They danced and talked, but they didn't kiss or hold hands. It looked as casual as she claimed. More like brother and sister, really.

It didn't help me feel better.

After a while his eyes were on me more than they were on her. They seared me from across the room. I felt him on my skin, racing through my blood.

I was already drowning, so I decided to do just that. The more I drank, the less I cared that I was staring. The less I noticed Jess. Or anything else, really. The room emptied and the music faded, and everything in the world disappeared but Ryan and me.

Then Jess looked my way. Her eyes met mine and she frowned. She turned to Ryan and stood on her tiptoes, so she could whisper in his ear. It all looked so intimate. Something like an explosion went off in my body. I couldn't breathe or think or do anything but stand there staring. Then Ryan looked at me and I almost shattered.

I had to get away.

The room swayed as I stumbled through the crowd. Sweaty bodies brushed against me. The people I passed laughed too loud. It sounded more like cackles in my ears. The stale stench of alcohol choked me. My stomach lurched, but I kept moving. My eyes were on the front door. I just needed to make it to the front door.

“Buttercup!”

A stabbing pain ripped through me. Ryan's voice forced my legs to work faster, made my hands push harder against the bodies in my way. There was nothing I wanted to say to him or let him say to me.

A hand wrapped around my upper arm when I was only four feet from the door. Ryan spun me around and his concerned expression made me freeze. “Where are you going?”

“Away,” I muttered.

“How? Liam drove you. Are you planning to walk back to the city?”

I hadn't thought about it. “I-I don't know.” How had I managed to get the words out while a dam of tears prepared to burst? Hugging my arms tightly around me, my nails dug into my skin while I stared at the floor.

He pressed his lips together and looked over his shoulder. Jess was behind him. “Stay here.”

He went back to Jess. My legs shook so much, I stumbled. I had to lean against the wall to stop from falling. My heart thumped and I couldn't take my eyes off them. I couldn't hear a thing they said. Jess looked my way, then nodded. Ryan gave her a quick hug before heading over to me. She didn't follow, but she didn't look upset. What was going on?

Ryan pulled his car keys out. When he got to me, he put his arm around my waist while he led me out the door.

 

We were halfway to his apartment before I managed to talk. “Why did you leave the party to take me home?”

Ryan's hands tensed on the steering wheel. “Because you're drunk.”

“You could have called me a cab.”

“I wouldn't have been able to enjoy myself. I would have been too worried.”

My throat tightened and I tugged on the hem of my dress. Sitting next to him in the car, I suddenly didn't feel as drunk as I had at the party. In fact, everything seemed sharper. The lights from the cars we passed, the bass in the music, the twinkling stars in the sky, the sizzling air floating between Ryan and me. The world was alive and electric.

He parked across the street from his apartment without so much as an explanation. In a flash, he was out of the car and at my side.

When he held the door open to help me out, I turned to face him. “Why didn't you take me back to the dorm?”

He shook his head and pulled me across the street, toward his apartment building. I stumbled, but Ryan's firm grip held me up. A shiver ran down my spine, but I wasn't sure if it was from the cool night air or Ryan's closeness. His hand splayed out across my lower back, and my skin tingled through the thin satin of my dress.

I was clueless as to why he'd brought me there, but I wasn't complaining. We were together—that's all I'd ever wanted. I couldn't stop thinking about what had happened the last time. The memory of his mouth on my nipple and his fingers running down my bare skin was fresh in my mind. Before we'd even made it to the second floor, desire had started building inside me.

Ryan didn't say a word, and he wouldn't look at me. When we walked into his apartment, he locked the door. He tossed his keys on the coffee table on his way to the kitchen while I stood awkwardly by the door. I wobbled on my heels for a few seconds before kicking them off, but I didn't walk any farther in. Was he going to call me a cab again?

He came back with the top two buttons on his shirt undone and a glass of water in one hand. When he opened the other, I recognized the two blue pills. “Take these and drink some water. I'm not sending you back to your dorm until I know you're going to be more reasonable.”

I shook my head, but did as I was told. What did he think I was going to do if he left me alone? Run off to a bar and hook up with the first guy I met? Probably.

He threw himself on the couch and leaned his head back, and I followed his lead. The glass was half empty when I sat down and pulled my legs up and tucked them under me. He didn't look at me. Still. We were sitting so close that my knee touched his thigh. His fingers twitched and he balled his hands into fists. He didn't look up, but he didn't scoot away either. That was a good sign.

“I'm sorry you had to leave the party,” I whispered after what seemed like hours of silence. His closeness was getting to me. My heart pounded and the heat flowing between us made the room feel like a sauna. Or an August afternoon in Charleston.

Ryan sighed and swiped his hand through his hair. He finally opened his eyes. When he turned my way, everything in me jumped and shuddered and stopped working. I sucked in a deep breath to keep from crying or disintegrating. Just one look from him undid me in a way that was both earth-shatteringly amazing and heart-wrenchingly brutal at the same time.

“You don't need to be sorry,” he finally said. “I wasn't really in the mood, anyway.”

He swallowed and shook his head, then stared down at his hands, still clenched into tight fists. Something about the look on his face made my heart beat harder and caused a ball of tension to work its way into my throat. His Adam's apple bobbed a few times while he worked on finding his voice, and I held my breath. Something big was coming. I could feel it in the air sizzling between us.

“Tomorrow is the anniversary of my mom's death.”

All the air left my lungs and I scooted closer. Before I could even think about what I was doing or what would happen if I did it, I took his hand in mine and eased his fingers apart. When his hand was more relaxed, I laced our fingers together, and I swear he trembled.

“Ryan,” I whispered. “I'm so sorry.”

He nodded, but kept his head down. His eyes focused on our hands. Once again he swallowed a few times. I stayed quiet, waiting for him to work out what he wanted to say to me. My thumb rubbed small circles over the top of his hand. I knew I should stop, but I couldn't. His warm skin next to mine felt like the most natural thing in the world. Like I was finally home after years of wandering.

“I found her,” he whispered.

My heart constricted, but he wasn't finished. Not by a long shot.

He squeezed my hand, like he was trying to draw strength from it, and looked up. His gray eyes locked on mine. “She'd been depressed for so long.” He shook his head and his blond hair fell across his forehead. I brushed it aside. Before I could put my hand down, he leaned against it, resting his cheek in my palm. He never looked away when he said, “She'd tried before, but my aunt and uncle were always there to shield me from it. Not that time, though.”

My entire body tensed. Blood pounded in my ears and I shook my head a little while I waited for him to explain.

He swallowed again and his gray eyes shimmered. “She had to have known I would be the one to find her. I was only twelve. How could she do that to me?” His voice shook and a tear spilled over.