The List (24 page)

Cami whined and hugged me closer. “No! You have to come. I can't have fun without you.”

I wanted to remind her that she'd barely spoken to me since we'd set foot in the bar; instead I just unraveled myself from her arms and gave her a tight smile. “Not tonight, Cami. I need to get some rest.”

She frowned and glanced toward her friend—I had no clue what his name was—then back at me. “You going to be okay getting home?”

“I'll catch a cab.”

She shrugged and hooked her arm through mine. “Okay! As long as you're sure.”

“I am,” I said, extracting myself for a second time.

Cami's friend grabbed her hand and pulled her toward the door. He didn't look my way for a second. She gave me a little wave that reminded me of a three-year-old, then giggled and scurried out of the bar.

Sometimes I worried about that girl.

I checked my phone one more time before heading out. It had been a few hours since I'd heard from my brothers, and I wanted to make sure no one had sent me a text. There was nothing, which made me sigh with relief. No news was always good news, right?

I
was scanning the streets searching for a cab, when my phone rang. My eyes were still on the road as I yanked it out of my purse, and I barely glanced at the screen while I tried to wave down a passing cab. But my dad's picture made everything freeze and I had to blink a few times to be sure I was seeing it right. It was after ten o'clock in California. My dad was not a night person. Why would he be calling me so late?

I slid a shaky finger across the screen and held the phone to my ear. “Daddy?”

“Annie—” The word was slurred, but there was something else in his voice that made my blood run cold. Something I'd never heard before. It ran deeper than desperation and pain, and it filled me with a fear so intense it took my breath away.

I stumbled back, bumping into a few people in the process. My back hit the cold brick and it sent goose bumps down my arms and legs, but I needed the support or I was sure I would fall on my ass.

“Daddy, are you okay?”

He didn't say another word, but there was the sound of movement on the other end. As if he'd dropped the phone and was scrambling to pick it up. I held my breath while I waited for him to come back. After a few seconds, the call cut out.

My hands shook when I called him back, and my heart pounded so fast as the phone rang that I had to press my hand against my chest. It felt like my heart was trying to burst through my rib cage.

The phone rang again and again, and with each passing second the tension in me grew. I couldn't hold still. My knees shook and I tapped my toe on the ground over and over again until I was sure my foot would be covered in blisters the next day. Why wasn't he picking up?

It went to voice mail and I hung up, then called him again. He still didn't answer.

Aiden. Austin. One of them had to be home.

I called Austin first because he was more likely to be sleeping in his own bed. The call went straight to voice mail and I had the urge to throw my phone into the street. But I kept my cool and called Aiden, only he didn't answer either. Where were they? They knew what today was—why weren't they there looking after him?

When I hung up, I stared at the phone for a full minute before I could move. I wanted to scream, to cry, to sprout wings and fly back to California. But I couldn't do any of those things. I was stuck.

When I closed my eyes and leaned my head against the wall, the world around me spun. I'd had too much to drink and I couldn't focus. There should be something I could do, but no matter how much I tried to get my brain to work, I couldn't think of a single thing.

My body shook. I didn't want to be alone.

I dialed Cami and waited for her to answer, knowing I was putting a damper on her good time. For what felt like the hundredth time that night the call went to voice mail. Didn't anyone answer their phone anymore?

When I flipped through my contacts, the only name I could focus on was Ryan. Before I could talk myself out of it, I pressed SEND.

He picked up on the first ring and his voice was muffled, like he'd been sleeping. “Buttercup?”

“Ryan.” My voice shook as much as my legs. It felt like an earthquake had gone off in my body. I couldn't stop trembling.

It took me a few seconds to pull myself together. By that time, Ryan was panicked. “Are you okay? What happened? Is it Cami?”

I shook my head and took a deep breath. “I need you to come get me.”

“Are you okay?”

I nodded again. Why did I keep nodding? He couldn't see me. “I'm okay. It's . . . it's my dad. I'm so sorry to bug you, I just—”

“I'm on my way. Where are you?”

I shot off the address while people hurried by. Drunk and loud. Laughing. Happy. Or at least pretending to be. Ryan assured me he would be there to get me as soon as humanly possible, but every second was agony.

I paced while I waited for him to show. My legs wobbled so much, I was shocked they didn't give out. I called my dad's phone at least ten more times, and each one of my brothers just as many. No one answered, and no matter how many times the phone clicked over to voice mail, the terror inside me didn't lessen when it happened.

Where were they?

I was shaking so much by the time Ryan pulled up next to me that I'd had to take my shoes off—those heels would never support my jittery legs.

He leaned across the passenger seat and shoved the door open. The second I climbed inside, the dam broke and I burst into tears.

“Annie . . .” Ryan's voice was tortured.

I shook my head and wiped at the tears, but I couldn't stop them from falling and I couldn't get enough air in my lungs to talk. My body trembled, harder than ever before. It was like all the pain from the last nineteen years was forcing its way out. I'd been trying to hold it all in for so long, and I'd thought getting away would help. But not knowing what was going on at home only made things worse.

Ryan's hand wrapped around mine and it was like a warm blanket on a cold day—comforting and familiar. The tremors wracking my body slowed and I was able to get a mouthful of air.

“I'll b-be okay,” I managed to get out.

“Did something happen to your dad?”

I shook my head and took a deep breath. “I don't know.” The words were still shaky, but they were a lot clearer than before. “He called me, but we got cut off. Now he won't answer. Neither will my brothers.” I had to take a deep breath and squeeze my eyes shut before I could say the next words. “Today was the anniversary of my mom's death.”

Ryan's hand tightened around mine. His jaw was tight as he drove through the city, but he didn't take me back to the dorm. Just like after the Christmas party, he drove to his apartment. I had no idea what it all meant, but I didn't care. I just wanted to be with him, even if it was only for the night.

He kept his arm around me when he led me across the street, but neither one of us said a word. My heart pounded and I was terrified that if I spoke, he'd change his mind again. I couldn't go through any more disappointment.

When we got up to his apartment, he led me to the couch, pulling me down on his lap and cradling me like I was a small child. That's how I felt. Tiny and vulnerable, ready to break. I didn't know what was going on with my dad or where my brothers were, and all the hurt and family secrets were pressing down on me so hard, I felt like I was two feet tall. I needed to get it all out. To talk about it for the first time in my life.

“My mom's name was Annabel,” I whispered, tucking my head into the crevice of his shoulder. “I was named after her.”

He rubbed my back, tracing circles along my spine, and my lip quivered. “She'd wanted me for so long, and after four boys I was finally there. Everything should have been perfect, but when I was only five months old, she went out one night to make a run to the store. My dad wasn't feeling well and we were out of milk or diapers or something that couldn't wait. She never came home.”

Ryan tensed and his hand stopped moving. “Did they find out what happened to her?”

I nodded and squeezed my eyes shut. “My dad panicked when she didn't come home and called the police. They found her car in the parking lot at the grocery store, but it wasn't until the next day that they found her body. Twenty miles away, tossed in a ditch. She was naked.”

My throat tightened and I felt like the life was being choked out of me. Ryan returned to rubbing circles on my back, waiting patiently for me to pull myself together. It didn't happen for a while. The tension in my body was so intense, it had to feel like he had a statue sitting on his lap. My toes were curled and my hands were clenched into fists, but the longer Ryan rubbed my back, the more I was able to relax. When I managed to open my hand and flex my fingers, I was able to breathe a little more easily.

That's when Ryan said, “Your dad was never the same after that.”

I shook my head, which was still tucked against his neck. “No. He's been depressed my whole life, but worse than that is the fear. Everything scares him. We rarely left the house when we were kids. I remember him shutting all the blinds in the summer, locking all the doors so we couldn't go out. We didn't play with other kids in the neighborhood or go to sleepovers.

“Life got easier for my brothers when they got older. They were big enough to take care of themselves. But not me. I wasn't allowed to go anywhere or do anything without my dad or brothers.”

“He was afraid of losing you too,” Ryan said.

I nodded and opened my eyes, pulling back so I could look up at him. “It wasn't just that, though. He did everything he could to make me into
one of the guys.
I look so much like my mom, and he didn't want the memories.”

Ryan's gray eyes held mine and he swept my hair off my forehead. His finger trailed down the side of my face to my chin and over to my lips. I inhaled sharply when he traced the bottom one, and a shiver ran down my spine.

“Ryan,” I whispered.

He nodded. “I know.”

Then his mouth covered mine, and I gripped his face in my hands, so afraid he'd try to pull away. The kiss was intense, so much more desperate than ever before. He parted my mouth with his tongue, and when it dipped inside, a surge of desire shot through me. It was like a bolt of lightning.

“Ryan,” I said again.

He groaned and lifted me up, moving me so I was straddling him. The heat between us was powerful, and his hardness pressed against me when I lowered myself onto his lap. I rocked against it, gasping when a tremor shook my body.

He pulled my zipper down and jerked my dress over my head, and the second it was on the floor, his mouth attacked mine again. Then his lips moved down my neck and over my chest. I fumbled with the clasp on my bra. My hands shook, so it took a few tries to get it off. When I finally managed to get it undone, Ryan wrenched it from my body like it was a nuisance, then closed his mouth over my nipple.

I gasped, rocking against him as his tongue teased my body. My hands were tangled in his hair and my head was thrown back, and all I could think about was having him inside me. “Don't leave me again.”

He pulled back and his hands cupped my face. When my eyes met his, my insides melted like butter. “Never. I've tried to stay away from you but I can't. I love you, and no matter what it takes, I'm going to figure out a way to make this work.”

My bottom lip trembled. “I love you. Oh God, I love you so much.”

He pulled me against him, climbing to his feet in the process. My legs were wrapped around his waist and my mouth attacked his as he carried me back to his bed. When he laid me down, we couldn't get our clothes off fast enough. I yanked his shirt over his head while he undid his pants, and our underwear came next. The second we were naked he was reaching into the nightstand, and the very sound of him ripping the foil packet open made me tremble.

His eyes held mine while he slid the condom on. I squirmed in anticipation. He leaned over me, kissing my calf and the inside of my knee. Then moved up to my inner thigh. The throbbing between my legs was intense, and when his tongue brushed against me, my eyes rolled back in my head. I tangled my fingers in his hair while he teased my body, my back arching off the bed as the heat between my legs built. I couldn't catch my breath, couldn't speak. His tongue moved faster, then he slipped a finger inside me. Within seconds I was falling over the edge, gasping while I gripped the sheets and my body convulsed in the most amazing way imaginable.

Before I'd even had a chance to come down, his mouth was on mine and he slid inside me. My already sensitive body shuddered around him. He kissed me while he moved. Faster and faster, not taking his time like he had before. I gasped and dug my nails into his back as the ecstasy built, and in no time at all I came again.

Within a few minutes, Ryan shuddered above me with his face buried in my golden hair. The moment was magical, like our future together had finally started. I never wanted to forget it.

He rolled over and pulled me with him, laying my head on his chest. When he kissed the top of my head, tears came to my eyes.

“I love you,” he whispered.

My throat tightened when I propped myself up on my elbows and looked into his eyes. “I love you.”

 

I jerked awake and it only took two seconds to remember where I was. My eyes landed on Ryan, sleeping on the other side of the bed, and I couldn't stop the smile spreading across my face.

All the anxiety and tension of the night before was gone, and all I could focus on was him and how utterly beautiful he was. His chest rose and fell and his eyelids fluttered like he was dreaming. I knew I should let him sleep, but I couldn't resist touching him. My hand moved down his cheek and over his chest, and the temptation was too strong to stop. I had to bite back a smile when my hand moved under the sheet.

Ryan shifted when I wrapped my hand around him, and within seconds he was hard. It was a few moments before he opened his eyes, and when they met mine, he smiled.

“I could get used to this.” He shifted positions, leaning back against the pillow and moving the sheet aside to give me easier access. He squirmed under my inexperienced hand.

Only a few minutes later a door slammed in the other room. I froze and looked toward the door, but Ryan wrapped his hand around mine and urged me to keep moving.

“It's just Liam,” he said.

I laughed and crawled up the bed, brushing my lips against his. “It seems like you're having all the fun.”

His tongue dipped into my mouth and his hands grabbed my hips. He pulled me up until I was straddling him. I moaned when his hardness brushed against me and tried to lower myself onto him, but he wouldn't let me.