The List (25 page)

“Condom,” he said, pulling back.

I sighed and rolled onto my back while he reached for the nightstand. He came back with a huge smile on his face and a condom in his hand. His lips found mine and our tongues tangled together while he fumbled with the condom, ripping the packet just as the bedroom door flew open.

“Ryan, Annie never came—” Cami's mouth fell open and she froze in the doorway, looking back and forth between Ryan and me.

My stomach dropped and the temperature shot up a hundred degrees. I fumbled for the sheet, but I couldn't reach it and I couldn't take my eyes off Cami's stunned face.

“Shit,” Ryan muttered, yanking the sheet up. “What are you doing? Don't you knock? Shut the door!”

Cami didn't move. Ryan kept yelling at her to leave while I stayed frozen in place. My heart pounded in my ears. Cami's eyes were as big as golf balls and her face was pale, which was saying a lot because she was always tan. She looked at Ryan as if he were a stranger, and when she stared me her eyes were like ice.

Within seconds Liam came running to see what was going on. I pulled the sheet up to my chin while I silently prayed the bed would turn into a monster and devour me whole. Unfortunately, God wasn't done torturing me just yet. Less than a minute after Liam stumbled to the door, Chris popped up behind Cami.

His eyes got huge and his face turned red. He looked back and forth between Ryan and me about ten times. Ryan swore and moved like he was going to get up, but he must have thought better of it because he pulled the sheet tighter around his naked body and stayed where he was.

Chris turned away without saying a word and the bathroom door slammed. A stream of cursing filled the apartment. My insides convulsed and I was sure I was going to be sick.

Cami spun on her heel and stomped away.

Liam just shrugged and swiped his hand through his hair. “Sorry, mate. Guess everybody's a bit shocked.” He grinned and looked over his shoulder toward Cami before pulling the door shut, leaving us alone.

I was afraid to look at Ryan. My heart pounded and my eyes stung, and the panic building inside me was like a volcano ready to burst. Ryan turned toward me, but I kept my eyes focused on the closed door because I couldn't face him.

“Buttercup, look at me.” I shook my head, but he cupped my chin in his hand and forced me to look at him. “I'm not going to leave you. I was serious when I said I love you.” He kissed the tip of my nose and smiled, and even though it was sad, it helped soothe away some of the worry. “We can make this work. All we have to do is wait out the storm and things will be okay. Cami will get over it and Chris will forgive me.”

“What about Jess?”

Ryan's mouth tightened and he shook his head. “That's nothing.”

“But you're dating her.”

He exhaled and brushed a few strands of sweaty hair off his forehead. “Not really. We were, but after what happened between you and me at Christmas, I felt guilty stringing her along. I told her all about it and she was fine. She didn't want to get serious, and she likes you. She was your biggest cheerleader, really.”

“Really?”

“She told me to suck it up and stop being a baby. That if I liked you, I needed to go for it.” He flashed me a lopsided smile.

I needed to send her a thank-you note.

I exhaled and rolled toward him, draping my arm across his chest and burying my face. When he wrapped his arms around me, it felt like coming home.

W
hen I finally got out of bed I had two messages from my brothers. The first was from last night—an apology for not answering the phone and a promise to call me in the morning. The second one had come from Austin only an hour earlier, asking me to call him.

After all the drama of the morning, I had managed to push the worries about my dad aside. But the second I heard the messages it was right back at the surface, bubbling over like a geyser, burning me with its intensity.

“Everything okay?” Ryan asked from the kitchen.

I sat at the bar in one of his t-shirts with a steaming cup of coffee in front of me. He and Liam were busy cooking breakfast. Chris and Cami had already left.

“I need to find out what's going on with my dad,” I said.

Ryan turned away from the frying bacon and came over to stand in front of me. He laid his hand on top of mine. “It's going to be okay.”

I nodded and my hands shook when I put the phone to my ear. “I hope so,” I said when it started ringing.

Aiden answered on the second ring. I hopped off the barstool and headed to the balcony. “What's going on with Dad, Aiden?”

“Morning to you too,” he said.

If I'd been in California, I would've punched my brother in the stomach. “Aiden.”

He sighed. “It got bad, Annie.”

I pulled the glass door shut behind me when I stepped outside. The second it was shut, I closed my eyes and leaned against it while I waited for my brother to tell me exactly what
bad
meant.

“He tried again. He got hold of some pills, but Austin called an ambulance and they rushed him to the hospital in time. They had to admit him.”

I barely reacted to the news—it wasn't the first time and it probably wouldn't be the last. “How long?”

“He agreed to get help this time, Annie.”

My eyes opened and I stood up straight. There was no way I'd heard him right. “Help?”

“He's going to retire and move out to Atlanta, so he can be closer to Alex. He promised to go to counseling and talk about it.” Aiden took a deep breath and I held mine while I waited, because what he was about to say felt important. “He said her name, Annie.”

I exhaled and shook my head. I didn't remember a single time my dad had ever said her name out loud. “So he's really going to do it?”

“I think so, but only time will tell.”

I was crying when I went back in, and Ryan was immediately at my side. Even though I was pretty sure he thought the worst, I couldn't calm down enough to tell him these were tears of relief. After a lifetime of burying himself in the past, my dad was finally ready to move forward. It was nineteen years too late, but the old saying was true. It was better late than never.

Ryan and I spent the rest of the day in the apartment, blocking out the world. I was terrified to face Cami, and even though we didn't talk about it, I was pretty sure Ryan felt the same way about Chris. Liam told us we were dolts and to suck it up. At least someone didn't seem to think our relationship was a big deal.

On Sunday afternoon Ryan dropped me off at the dorm. I knew I couldn't hide anymore, but the thought of facing Cami made me want to hurl.

Cami stood in front of the mirror when I walked in. She barely paused in the middle of applying her lipstick. “I was wondering when you would come crawling back.”

I shut the door behind me and sank into the desk chair, picking at my nails while I waited for her to yell or tell me I'd betrayed her. But she just kept doing what she was doing, applying her makeup like she was on her way to the Academy Awards.

“Are you mad?” I asked after several minutes of silence.

Cami pressed her lips together and her eyes met mine in the mirror. “I was at first.”

I swallowed. “And now?”

“I'm shocked, and a little confused.” She turned to face me and crossed her arms over chest. “How long has this been going on?”

I shrugged and went back to picking at my nails. “It hasn't, not really. We've liked each other for a while, but the whole thing with Chris made it complicated.”

She snorted and I looked up when she walked toward me. “I'm sure. Chris is a baby and Ryan is a wimp when it comes to him.”

She sat down in the chair across from me and narrowed her eyes, studying me closely. “Before Christmas, when there was blood in Ryan's bed?”

I nodded and she rolled her eyes. “I didn't have a clue, but looking back I should have. You were acting so weird. I just thought you were embarrassed.”

I sat up and crossed my arms over my chest while she studied me. She wouldn't say a word and she wouldn't stop looking at me. It made my heart pound faster. “What?”

“You love him.”

My shoulders relaxed and I nodded. “I tried not to, I really did. I didn't want to hurt Chris and I wasn't sure how you'd feel about Ryan and me, but when it came down to it, I couldn't think about anyone else.”

Cami sighed and tossed her hair over her shoulder. “Well, I approve. I wish you'd just come out and told me from the beginning, but it's not a big deal.”

My arms fell to my sides and I sat up straighter. “It's not?”

Cami shrugged and jumped up. “Nope.” She gave her reflection one quick look before turning toward the door. “Now if you'll excuse me, I'm meeting Liam for coffee.”

“Liam?”

“He called me about you and Ryan, then begged me to meet him. I decided to do him a favor.”

My head was still spinning from the dramatic turn of events when Cami bounded out the door.

 

Ryan's hand moved up and down my arm while I drummed my fingers on the desk, staring at the list Cami and I had made that first day of school. There were two items not crossed out: number sixteen and number eighteen.

“I never got a guy's number,” I said.

Ryan kissed my shoulder and I decided I didn't care. So what if I didn't actually cross off every item on the list before I turned twenty? Wasn't Ryan worth it?

“You got my number the first week of school,” he said, turning me to face him.

I smiled and my heart jumped when his mouth devoured mine, like it was something he needed to survive.

“Good point,” I said when he kissed his way down my neck.

“You really want to go to a bar and let some drunk guy buy you drinks just so you can get a few numbers? Wouldn't you rather stay here with me? See where this takes us?”

His hand snaked up the back of my shirt to my bra strap. Within seconds it was undone and his hand cupped my breast while his tongue traced its way down my throat.

“This is better,” I said, closing my eyes.

“What else is on your list?” he asked.

“Ummm . . . number eighteen.”

He chuckled against my neck and goose bumps broke out across my skin. “What is number eighteen?”

Oh yeah, he'd never actually seen the list. “Ummm . . .” I blinked a few times when his hand moved between my legs, stroking me through the thin fabric of my yoga pants. “I can't think.”

“I should stop?”

I swallowed and spread my legs, giving him easier access. “Tattoo,” I gasped. “Get a tattoo.”

“We can take care of that,” Ryan said.

I nodded, but before I could say anything his mouth covered mine and all coherent thought melted away. At that moment I would have done anything Ryan wanted and been happy about it.

 

I held Ryan's hand, and every inch of my body was covered in sweat. I shook and gripped him tighter, biting down on my lip to keep from crying out.

“You can scream if you want to,” Ryan said.

His face was right up against mine and his breath tickled my ear. I dug my nails into his skin and shook my head. There was no way I was going to lose control like that.

“Almost done,” the tattoo artist said, sweeping the needle across my skin.

The buzzing irritated me almost as much as the pain, and I had to grip my free hand into a tight fist to keep from batting him away. Why had I agreed to do this? There was no way in hell this burning pain was worth it.

“Hang on, Buttercup.”

Only a few minutes later the tattoo artist made one final line on my skin, then swiped the cloth under my collar bone before stepping back.

By that point my jaw ached from gritting my teeth and my cheeks were stained with tears. They'd told me getting a tattoo below my collarbone would hurt, but I thought I could handle it. I'm tough. I've been through emotional hell.

I've learned that emotional pain and physical pain are not the same.

“How does it look?” I asked Ryan. My eyes were still shut and I was almost afraid to look. With the way it hurt, I was certain rivers of blood would be flowing from the words.

Ryan kissed my nose and leaned closer to my ear. “Sexy as hell.”

I slowly opened my eyes and stood up, turning to face the mirror. Ryan stood next to me with a huge smile on his face, and when I saw the words tattooed on my body, I smiled too. The script was smooth and elegant, and the words swooped below my right collarbone like two rows of gentle waves rolling out to sea:

“It's perfect,” I said, returning Ryan's smile.

Ryan put his arm around me and kissed my temple. When I leaned my head against him, it felt like the calm after the storm.