The List (21 page)

“Ryan . . .”

He pulled me toward him and wrapped his arms around my waist, laying his head in my lap like a small child. His body shook and his pain made everything inside me crumble.

“She was in the bathtub when I got home from school, and there was so much blood.”

The words were muffled, but their meaning was so sharp that it was like a knife in my heart. Tears built up behind my eyes and my hand shook when I brushed it over the top of his head, moving his hair. The side of his face was just visible. His eyes were squeezed shut, but his cheeks were damp.

My heart ached for him, but I couldn't think of a single thing to say. So I just held him while he cried.

W
hen I opened my eyes, the apartment was quiet and Ryan's head was still in my lap. His breathing was heavy and his body was completely relaxed, and there wasn't a part of me that
wanted
to move. But my legs were sore and there was a cramp in my foot. I tried to keep my movements small when I stretched my leg, but he stirred anyway.

He blinked and sat up, then ran his hand down his face. “Sorry,” he mumbled. His eyes flicked to my face, then down to his hands, once again clenched into fists. He shook his head. “I didn't mean to fall asleep.”

I rolled my shoulders back and cringed when something popped. I couldn't take my eyes off him. He was avoiding my gaze again. “You don't need to be sorry.”

He exhaled, then sucked in a slow breath like he was trying to get up the nerve to say something. “I've never told anyone about my mom.”

I scooted closer and cupped his face in my hands, forcing him to look up. When his gray eyes met mine, my insides buzzed to life. A tornado of emotions swirled through me. Sympathy and pain, desire and lust, and a million others I couldn't even begin to name. It took my breath away.

“I'm glad you told me,” I managed to get out.

“I've been angry at her for so long that I can barely stand thinking about it. What she did was awful enough—” His voice broke and he shook his head. “Why would she do that to me?”

My stomach ached and Ryan's face blurred when my eyes filled with tears. I scooted closer, getting up on my knees so I was looking down at him. His eyebrows were pulled together and there were creases on his forehead. His eyes were so full of tears that I had no idea how they weren't spilling over.

I put my hands on his cheeks and tilted his face up toward mine. “I'm so sorry, Ryan,” I whispered. “I wish I knew why people do the things they do. Depression—” I swallowed and fought to keep my voice from shaking—this was a subject I had firsthand experience with. “It's a selfish thing. It distorts the way people see the world and makes them do awful things to the people they love. That doesn't mean your mom didn't love you, Ryan. She did.”

His lip quivered and the tears fell from his eyes, trailing down my fingers. I moved my hands and gently pressed my lips under his left eye, following the trail of tears down to his chin. Then I moved to his right eye and did the same, only this time I stopped at his lips.

My mouth brushed the corner of his and he inhaled sharply. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath before moving my mouth across his. The kiss was soft and gentle, and his lips were warm and inviting. They tasted like salt and felt like silk. There was nothing in the entire universe that could have stopped me from doing it again.

The second time my lips touched his, he kissed me back. His hands moved up my back, pulling me closer, and when his tongue brushed against my lips I opened to him willingly.

The kiss deepened when our tongues tangled together, causing a fire to ignite inside me. I ran my hands over his shoulders and down his chest, slowly undoing the few buttons still intact. He groaned against my lips when my fingertips brushed his bare chest. His hands slid down my back to my hips. Then his mouth moved down my neck and over my collar bone. I shivered when his tongue traced the little dip at the base of my throat.

His mouth running across my skin was like a branding iron, marking me as his. My body ached, starting in my stomach and moving down. It was like a forest fire consuming me from the inside out, and the heat between my thighs was almost unbearable. He'd left me with that aching fire too many times for me to be denied once again. I hiked up my skirt and moved over, so I was straddling him.

He didn't try to stop me, and when I lowered myself onto his lap he groaned again. His lips smashed into mine and his hand cupped the back of my neck. I whimpered at the ferocity of it. When he captured my lower lip between his teeth my insides quivered.

He pulled me closer and I could feel how much he wanted me through the thin fabric of his pants. My legs shook and I moved against him, sending little tremors of pleasure through my body.

“Buttercup . . .” he whispered against my lips.

But I wouldn't let him talk. I was too afraid he'd tell me no again. I covered his mouth with mine while I worked on undoing his pants. He groaned when I reached inside, and when I wrapped my hand around him he pulled back.

His eyes held mine while I slowly ran my hand up and down. I'd never done it before, but it was obvious by the expression on his face he was enjoying it. So was I. Seeing the longing in his eyes and hearing his little intake of breath when I moved my hand faster made me delirious with desire.

He squeezed his eyes shut and groaned, covering my hand with his to stop me. “Buttercup,” he said again.

I was sure he was going to tell me we had to stop. That Chris was his best friend and it was wrong. Disappointment wrapped its fingers around my heart and bitter tears stung at the back of my eyes. But when his eyelids slowly lifted and his gaze met mine I knew that wasn't what he was going to say at all—and I was right.

“You have no idea how much I've wanted this,” he said, pulling me back to him.

Once again his lips covered mine and he forced his tongue into my mouth. I whimpered when his hands moved to the zipper on my dress. I wasn't wearing a bra, and the second my dress was around my waist his hands were on my breasts. His thumbs brushed across my nipples and I gasped. The throbbing between my legs had reached a new level of intensity, making it impossible to think about anything but him touching me.

“Touch me,” I said against his lips, trying to ignore the way my cheeks flushed.

I didn't have to say it twice. He flipped me onto my back and eased my dressed down, tossing it on the floor while his eyes devoured every inch of my bare flesh. I was wearing nothing but a black, lacy thong. No one had ever seen me this naked but him. With his gray eyes caressing my skin, I knew I should feel self-conscious. I didn't. I didn't feel anything but desire, deep down inside me.

“You're so beautiful,” he whispered, touching my cheek. “Perfect and delicate. Just like a buttercup.”

His hand moved down my face and over my neck, running between my breasts. Stopping just under my belly button. He kept his eyes on me when his fingers dipped under the lace of my thong.

When I sucked in a mouthful of air he smiled. “Is this what you wanted?”

Then his fingers slid lower and my entire body jerked. I gasped and squeezed my eyes shut. Everything in me tightened in the most pleasurable way imaginable, causing sparks of pleasure to shoot through every nerve ending in my body. His fingers teased me, circling the most sensitive part of my body until I couldn't hold in my moans of pleasure a second longer.

“Open your eyes, Buttercup,” he whispered. “Look at me.”

My heart pounded and my cheeks were flushed. I opened my eyes to find him watching me. Taking in every move and sound I made. He held my gaze while he slid a finger inside me, and once again I gasped.

His mouth covered mine and he moved his hand faster. I squirmed and gasped, and my skin burned while the fire inside me grew hotter and the tension between my legs increased until I thought I was going to explode. I gasped and squeezed my legs together, trapping his hand between them while my body quaked from the inside out, leaving me breathless.

When the tremors subsided, I opened my eyes. Even though it had been the most amazing experience of my life, I couldn't stop a blush from creeping across my cheeks when my eyes met his.

Ryan brushed a few strands of hair off my forehead. “Are you okay?”

“I feel amazing.”

He smiled and his lips brushed mine. Even though I'd barely come down, I didn't want him to stop just yet. There was nothing I wanted more than to be in Ryan's arms.

“Don't stop again,” I whispered against his lips. “Please.”

Ryan kissed me deeper, then lifted me off the couch. I wrapped my legs around his waist and our lips never stopped moving while he carried me to the bedroom. His pants were still on when he laid me on the bed, and I watched as he eased them down. They dropped to the floor and his boxer briefs quickly followed. I'd never seen a man naked except that brief glimpse on the beach, and my breath caught in my throat at the way his muscles rippled when he moved. His chest and stomach were toned, and I couldn't stop myself from running my fingers across his hard stomach when he leaned over me.

“Are you sure about this, Buttercup?”

His eyes swept over my body and his hand rested just below my belly button. I nodded and he slowly eased my thong down my legs. He stared at me for a few seconds without moving, and I bit my lower lip. When he leaned over me I had no idea what he was doing, but he came back with a small foil packet in his hand and my heart went into overdrive.

He ripped it open and slid the condom on, and I twisted the sheet around my hand when he positioned himself on top of me. He brushed against my opening and I shivered. When he eased inside just a little, my body tensed while I waited for the pain.

His expression was strained while his gray eyes searched mine. He seemed to be gritting his teeth when he said, “Are you okay?”

I nodded and he took a deep breath before pushing a little farther in. The discomfort was minimal at first, just a feeling of fullness that made me squirm a little under him. Then he plunged in deeper and a sharp pain shot through me. I gasped and squeezed my eyes shut, twisting the sheet tighter as I waited for the pain to subside.

“Buttercup.” Ryan's voice was tense, and when I opened my eyes, he brushed the hair off my face. “Tell me when it gets better.”

I nodded and he kissed me, being careful to hold still while his tongue danced over mine. Slowly my body relaxed and the pain eased away until all I felt was need.

“Now,” I whispered against his lips.

He groaned and slowly pulled out, causing me to gasp. I wrapped my arms around him when he slid back in, and as the tempo increased I felt my body moving with his, rising up to meet him while the pressure built between my legs once again.

His lips left mine and he drew my nipple into his mouth. I threw my head back and moaned, wrapping my legs around his waist as he moved faster. My insides buzzed and the world around me faded away until there was nothing but Ryan and me. Then my body exploded again and I cried out. Ryan groaned above me as fireworks burst behind my eyes. Then he buried his head between my breasts, thrusting one final time before collapsing on top of me.

My skin was moist, but that didn't stop him from kissing his way up my chest and over my neck. His lips brushed mine and I ran my fingers through his blond hair. He slid out and rolled over next to me, pulling me against him. I laid my cheek against his chest, and even though his skin was sticky, there was no other place I wanted to be.

His lips brushed the top of my head. “Are you okay?”

I bit my lower lip and nodded, trying to hold back a giant grin even though he couldn't see it. “That was amazing,” I whispered.

He lifted my chin and I rolled onto my stomach, so I could look him in the eye.

“You are amazing,” he said.

 

The bed was cold and Ryan was gone when I woke up.

When I rolled over, the sheet moved down, causing a shiver to run through me. I was naked and my dress was nowhere in sight. It only took two seconds to remember why. My cheeks flushed while my face broke into a huge grin that probably made me look like the Cheshire cat. I pulled the sheet up to my chin and stared at the ceiling as I relived every second of the night before.

Just thinking about it made that need build inside me again. I pressed my thighs together and squeezed my eyes closed, remembering how it felt to have Ryan's lips on my body. It had been the most amazing night of my life. Even though I didn't have a clue what was going to happen with us next, I never wanted to forget a single second of it.

My eyes flew open when somewhere in the apartment a door slammed. Footsteps and talking followed, and my heart pounded as I scurried out of bed, searching the room for my thong. I pulled it up while I looked for a shirt. My legs got tangled in the lacy material and I stumbled, almost falling on my face. Somehow, I managed to regain my footing. There had to be a dirty shirt or something lying around. There was nothing. Ryan's room was surprisingly neat.

The talking got louder. I recognized Ryan's voice and Cami's giggle. My heart pounded faster than a racehorse at the Kentucky Derby as I jerked open one of the dresser drawers. I pulled out the first t-shirt I could find and yanked it over my head as footsteps approached the door.

Cami and Ryan seemed to be arguing, and when the door burst open, I froze in place. Cami stood in the doorway with a huge grin on her face and Ryan was behind her.

“Cami, stop. You don't want to—” The words died on his lips when his eyes swept over me. He relaxed.

“Hey there, party pooper!” Cami called, bouncing into the room.

She'd only taken two steps when she froze and the smile on her face melted like an ice cube in the hot July sun. “Oh shit.”

My heart pounded so hard it jumped to my throat. Cami's eyes were glued to the bed. She knew. Somehow she knew. My eyes went to Ryan, but he wasn't looking at me. He was staring at the bed too. All the color had drained from his face.

I followed their gaze and my legs wobbled, almost giving out. All the air left my lungs when my eyes focused on the red smeared across Ryan's white sheets. I leaned against the dresser for support.
Oh shit
was right. Why hadn't I thought of that last night? What was Cami going to say?