The melody in our hearts (17 page)

Valerie thanked him with a smile, and he simply smiled back without asking her a single question about why they were following her. She hoped her colleagues would all be like him and that nobody would talk about what had happened, but it would have been too much to ask for. Rumors had spread fast in the hospital wards, and she truly hoped it hadn’t been Karen who had started it all.

She noticed some people eyeing her, even those she barely knew, but only a couple of people dared to speak to her. By then, she was exasperated and, as soon as a nurse asked her whether she was really dating Ryan Wyler, she snapped.

“I’ve known him since he was fifteen, we grew up together, and we’re friends. End of story.”

The nurse winced at her reaction, wondering what she should make of it.

“And if one more person dares to ask if I’m sleeping with him, I swear I’m going to hit them on the head with my clipboard! Spread the news around, will ya?”

The nurse walked away quickly, and when Valerie spun around, she noticed Karen looking at her with an amused expression on her face and her thumbs up in approval.

She had hoped they would have been discouraged after a whole day outside the hospital, but it wasn’t until Ryan came back that the reporters left her alone.

He had gone to her apartment and, obviously, he had found them there waiting to catch them both red-handed. But Ryan had been very well trained by Gordon and, as soon as they recognized him, they all ran toward him, firing questions about his secret girlfriend. He smiled at the cameras and bowed his head, shaking it.

“Just like my manager already told the director of the tabloid, this has just been a big misunderstanding.” They kept asking questions, but Ryan knew better than to answer them, and went on with the speech he had rehearsed over and over again in the last couple of days. “She is an old childhood friend of mine who lives in Boston, too. She had a day off work, and I invited her over to Miami to see my show – there’s nothing more than this. I’m sorry to disappoint your expectations, but there’s no secret lover, and I assure you, you’ll be the first to know once there is one.” Some reporters did seem disappointed, but others didn’t seem to believe a word he was saying, so they kept asking their stupid questions. Ryan felt his blood boiling in his veins, but he knew he had to keep his cool.

“I’d be very grateful to all of you if you stopped chasing her around the city; she’s just a normal person who happens to have a famous friend, but she only wants to lead a normal life. If you have questions, my manager and I will be very glad to answer them during an interview. You can get in touch with him and arrange a date. Now, if you’ll excuse me.”

He walked away and pressed the button on the intercom, waiting for Valerie to open the door and let him in, and when he was finally in her apartment and had closed the door behind him, he exhaled, knowing they might leave her alone but that it surely wasn’t over for him.

“I think they got it this time. I promised I’ll answer any questions they have about us, but expect people to be calling your family within a few days, wanting to know all about you.”

He opened his arms and she let him hold her, wanting so much for this nightmare to be over.

“I’m sorry, Val. Are things at work really hard?”

She shook her head, inhaling the smell of his cologne, the one she had given him for his last birthday and that she loved so much.

“The first day was tough: People stared at me and asked me questions.” She remembered how awful it had been and how lonely she had felt, but Ryan was here now and everything would soon be okay again. “But then I made it clear with a nurse, not very politely I’m afraid, that I’m not your lover and you are only an old friend, and that seemed to work, so nobody dared to ask anything again.”

He chuckled and kissed the top of her head, knowing she was a strong woman and a great doctor, and he was sure her colleagues and supervisors would know better than to let some stupid gossip spoil her rising career as a surgeon.

Karen walked in at that moment, and Ryan noticed the way she looked at them, but he decided to ignore it and simply greeted her with a smile, letting go of Valerie and asking if he could have a cup of coffee, hoping his request would get that look off Karen’s face.

While the three of them were having coffee in the small kitchen, waiting for Kevin to join them for a quiet dinner together, Ryan truly hoped that Valerie had been right and people would soon get tired of them and would look for more interesting gossip.

Eventually, after a couple of interviews and a few more days in the tabloids, all the sensation Valerie’s visit to Miami had caused started to subside. As soon as another bit of better gossip came up, Valerie and Ryan were finally able to go back to their normal lives.

~
Twenty-eight
~

Valerie sat outside the operating room, her coat splattered in blood, her hair sticking to her head underneath the surgical cap, and warm, salty tears rolling down her cheeks.

She couldn’t believe it.

He was dead.

She had killed him.

Doctor Gray, her supervisor and chief surgeon, had let her operate on the man since it was such an easy operation and needed little experience. He shouldn’t have died. There should have been no complications.

But he was dead.

On
her
table.

She had killed him.

The thought made her sick to her stomach, and she had to rush to the sink where they scrubbed up before and after an operation to keep from vomiting on the floor. But nothing came out. It was probably all in her mind.

Her nerves were shattered, and she couldn’t think straight. Images flashed through her mind, and she wondered how on Earth she was going to walk out there and tell his family that he was dead. That
she
had killed him.

Tears kept flooding out of her eyes, and she couldn’t seem to be able to pull herself together. She was a doctor, for Heaven’s sakes. She wasn’t supposed to be crying like that over losing a patient! But she couldn’t help it. It had somehow been her fault, and she had killed him. She wasn’t a doctor anymore – she was a murderer now.

The door behind her opened and she winced, holding onto the sink for support, but she didn’t turn back to see who it was. She didn’t want anyone to see her like that, and she hoped that, whoever it was, they would just walk past her and pretend she wasn’t there.

“Valerie,” Doctor Gray’s deep voice said. “Are you okay?”

She nodded without turning back, hoping she would convince him.

He got closer and put a hand on her shoulder.

“It wasn’t your fault,” he said gently. “It was something none of us could have foreseen. You did your best, and we did the best we could. I know it’s hard when you lose your first patient, but you did nothing wrong. I couldn’t do anything either, and I’ve been a surgeon for over fifteen years now. Even the best doctors can fail; we’re only human after all.”

She was forcing herself to look strong and in control, but a sob escaped her lips involuntarily and, as Doctor Gray patted her shoulder to try to comfort her, she lost it completely and turned back to hug him and let herself cry in his arms.

She was given the rest of the day off after the operation, and she spent it in Ryan’s apartment in downtown Boston, crying in his arms. She just couldn’t seem to be able to stop or to pull herself together. She hadn’t even been able to go home; the only place she had wanted to be as soon as she had left the hospital had been Ryan’s, and she was glad he was in Boston when all this happened.

She had taken a taxi and had barely been able to get to Ryan’s apartment before bursting into tears. As soon as he had opened the door, wondering why she was there at that time of day when he had thought she was supposed to be working, she had hugged him so tightly that he felt out of breath. Then she had frantically told him everything that had happened in the operating room.

“It wasn’t your fault,” he said, patting her hand gently. “You’ve got to stop feeling guilty now. You’re not even supposed to feel responsible for that because you did all you could, all a person could do, and not even the chief surgeon could save him. You can’t perform miracles.”

She shook her head, tears still streaming down her cheeks.

“I’m a doctor, for Heaven’s sakes. I’m supposed to save lives!” She sobbed. “I tried everything, anything to save that man...but I just wasn’t good enough. I killed him. I killed a man....”

She burst into tears and threw herself into his arms. He hugged her and patted her back, cradling her in his arms, trying to comfort her.

“You didn’t kill anyone, Val. You’re not God – you’re just a doctor. A good doctor who’s saved many lives so far and will save even more in future. Nobody thinks it’s your fault, Val. Stop blaming yourself for this.”

“No, no, no, it
was
my fault! You don’t understand...I was supposed to make his heart start beating again, to fix whatever the problem was and bring that man back from the dead, but I failed....”

She started sobbing again, and he hugged her tighter, shushing her soothingly.

“I failed,” she repeated. “I failed, and I killed him.”

“No, you didn’t! Stop saying that! You tried to save him. You and the other doctor did everything you could, but I guess it was his time to die, that’s all.”

She pulled away and looked up, her eyes flashing with anger.

“It wasn’t his time!” she snapped. “Stop pretending I didn’t do anything! I killed a man, he died on
my
operating table – I was the one who promised him and his family that he’d be okay!”

She sighed and hid her face in her hands, and Ryan just held her in his arms, knowing that no matter how many times he told her, she would always feel responsible for the death of that man. He guessed it would take her some time to understand what both her supervisor and he had been telling her, and then she would be okay again.

“Now lie down and try to get some sleep. You look awful….” he said after a while, smiling encouragingly, but she shook her head.

“I don’t need to sleep. I don’t
want
to sleep. Every time I close my eyes, I see that man, his dead body on my table….” She hid her face in her hands and started to sob again. “I’ll never be able to sleep again, never.”

“Please, Val, please don’t do this. Don’t hurt yourself this way; it’s breaking my heart. It’s happened before to so many other doctors, and you’ll get over it eventually and move on. But you have to do it. You didn’t kill anyone – you tried to save him, you did all you could. For the hundredth time, it wasn’t your fault.” He hugged her again and kissed her brow. “You’ll be fine. You’ll be back to normal in no time. You’re strong; I know you. You won’t give up.”

She sighed and wiped away the tears with the back of her hand.

“I think you overestimate me. I’m not so strong. Not after this.”

“You’ve always been stronger than you thought. And you are now, too. You’ll be fine, Val, you’ll be just fine.”

With that, he kissed her head and held her closer, cradling her in his arms, hoping she would eventually relax and fall asleep. After a while, worn out by the whole situation, she did, so Ryan scooped her up in his arms and carried her to his bedroom.

When she woke up, Ryan was still there, sitting in the armchair at the foot of his bed, reading a magazine.

“Ryan,” she said, her voice still thick with sleep, as she tried to realize where she was and why she was there.

“Well, good morning,” he said, grinning. “It’s about time you woke up! I was starting to run out of things to do here.” He stood up and stretched, dropping the magazine on the armchair. “These tabloids are so boring. I don’t understand why people still buy them!”

He chuckled and got close to her, scrutinizing her face.

“I’m sorry,” she said, sheepishly. “I didn’t mean to sleep that much. I didn’t realize I was so tired. What time is it?”

He shrugged and sat on the bed.

“Almost dinner time. You hungry?”

She nodded, her stomach gurgling just at the sound of the word.

“Good, then let’s go get something to eat. I’m starving!”

He stood up and reached out his hand, waiting for her to take it, and when she did, he pulled her up. She felt a bit unstable and awfully weak as soon as she got on her feet, and she understood she was going to be in trouble if she didn’t pull herself together quick. She couldn’t remember the last time she had eaten something in the last twenty-four hours, and this had been the first time she had been able to sleep after what happened.

Maybe Ryan was right, maybe it hadn’t been her fault. She had done everything she could to save that man, she had used all of her skills and medical knowledge, she had been the perfect doctor, the perfect surgeon, and she hadn’t left anything untried. Doctor Gray had been there with her and had told her it hadn’t been her fault. But still….

She blinked, hoping the image of the dead man would disappear, but she was sure it would never go away, not in a long, long time to come.