The One Year Love Language Minute Devotional (3 page)

Hope deferred makes the heartsick, but a dream fu llled is a tree of life.

PROVERBS 13:12

AS I'VE WRITTEN in the last few days about self-revelation, we've looked at sharing experiences and feelings. Today I want to talk about sharing desires. The failure to share desires is a source of much misunderstanding and frustration in any romantic relationship. Expecting your mate to fulfill your unexpressed desires is asking the impossible, and that makes disappointment inevitable. If you want your spouse to do something special on your birthday, for example, then say so. Don't expect your partner to read your mind.

In Proverbs 13:12, King Solomon presented a striking word picture of fulfilled and unfulfilled desires. Of course, not all our daily wishes rise to the level of making us heartsick if they're not fulfilled, but the basic idea is that when good, healthy desires are filled, joy can result. Why wouldn't you want to do that for your spouse? And why wouldn't your spouse want that for you?

Letting your spouse know what you want is a vital part of self-revelation. Several statements reveal desires: "I want ... ;"`I wish ... ;"`Do you know what would really make me happy?" or "I'd like to ..:" If you express your desires, your spouse has a chance to accommodate them. You are not demanding; you are requesting. You cannot control your spouse's decisions. You can clearly state what you would like. It's a step toward intimacy.

Father, help me to communicate my desires more openly. I don't want to be demanding, but 1 want to reveal more of myself-and the things 1 hold close to my heart-to the one I love. Please bless our relationship as we strive to fulfill each other's desires.

O LORD, you have examined my heart and know everything about me. You know when I sit down or stand up. You know my thoughts even when I'm far away.... Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too great for me to understand! PSALM 139:1-2, 6

THE ABOVE VERSES from Psalm 139 are some of the best loved in Scripture because they reveal that God knows us inside and out. He knows our thoughts, our feelings, and why we do the things we do. We can't even comprehend that level of understanding, much less reproduce it. That's why self-revelation is so important for a couple.

We've talked about sharing desires and emotions, but it's important to share about our behavior as well. Your spouse can observe your behavior, but he or she may not interpret it correctly unless you explain it. For example, my wife may observe that I dozed off while she was talking to me. It would be helpful for me to say,"I nodded off on you. I'm sorry. I took a pill for my headache, and it is making me sleepy. It's not that I don't want to hear what you have to say." That explanation helps her understand my behavior correctly.

Explaining your behavior ahead of time can also be helpful. "I plan to mow the lawn as soon as I get home from the ball game. Okay? I love you." Now, she doesn't have to fret all afternoon about the long grass while you are off to the ball game. She knows what you intend to do.

Revealing past behavior can also give your spouse valuable information. "Today I went by the furniture store and looked at a bedroom set. I really like it, and I think it is a good deal. I'd like for you to look at it." Explaining what you've done regarding a decision or request helps your spouse process it appropriately. All of these things promote understanding and intimacy for you as a couple.

Lord Jesus, thank you that you know us completely and love us anyway. Help us as a couple to aspire to a deeper knowledge of each other. Please encourage us as we learn to share about our behavior.

[Jesus said,] "Why worry about a speck in your friend's eye when you have a log in your own? ... First get rid of the log in your own eye; then you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend's eye." MATTHEW 7:3, 5

AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR, I've drawn one conclusion: Everyone wishes his or her spouse would change. "We could have a good marriage if he would just help me more around the house." Or, "Our marriage would be great if she was willing to have sex more than once a month" He wants her to change, and she wants him to change. The result? Both feel condemned and resentful.

Jesus' words in Matthew 7 vividly illustrate the problem. We think we see others' faults clearly, and we put forth a lot of effort to try to correct them. But in reality, our own sin blinds us. If we haven't dealt with our own failings, we have no business criticizing our spouse's.

There is a better way: Start with yourself. Admit that you're not perfect. Confess some of your most obvious failures to your spouse and acknowledge that you want to change. Ask for one suggestion each week on how you could be a better husband or wife. To the best of your ability, make changes. Chances are, your spouse will reciprocate.

Father, it's so much easier to concentrate on my spouse's flaws than to deal with my own. Please give me the courage to look at myself honestly. Help me today to try to change one thing that will make me a better marriage partner.

[John the Baptist's] message was, "Repent of your sins and turn to God, for the Kingdom of Heaven is near.... Prove by the way you live that you have repented of your sins and turned to God." MATTHEW 3:1-2, 8

A WOMAN SAID to me recently, "We have the same old arguments about the same old things. We've been married for thirty years, and I'm sick of his apologies. I want him to change." This woman wanted her husband to repent. The word repentance means "to turn around." In the context of an apology, it means that I deeply regret the pain my behavior has caused, and I choose to change my behavior.

John the Baptist preached that people needed to repent-to turn away from their sins and turn toward God. When Jesus began his ministry, he had the same message. As we see in verse 8 above, the proof of our heart change is in our actions. When Christ rules in our hearts, we are not happy to keep repeating the same old sins. Instead, we reach out for divine help to change our ways.

When we hurt our spouse, we must acknowledge that what we have done is wrong and that just apologizing is not enough to make it right. We also need to make a plan to change our actions so we don't hurt our loved one in the same way again. Why would we not want to do that in our closest relationship? Repentance is a vital part of a genuine apology.

Lord, I know 1 need to do more than say I'm sorry. I need to turn away from my wrong patterns of relating to the one I love. I want to change, but 1 need your help. Please give me the strength to repent.