The One Year Love Language Minute Devotional (4 page)

Repent, and turn from your sins. Don't let them destroy you! Put all your rebellion behind you, and find yourselves a new heart and a new spirit.

EZEKIEL 18:30-31

ALL OF US NEED to learn to apologize, for one simple reason: We are all sinners. From time to time we all hurt the people we love the most. When we apologize, we hope the person we have offended will forgive us. We can make that easier if we include in our apology a statement of repentance or change. As one woman said, "I don't want to just hear words; I want to see changes. When he indicates that he intends to change, I'm always willing to forgive him."

All true repentance begins in the heart. The decision to change shows that we are no longer making excuses or minimizing our behavior. Instead, we are accepting full responsibility for our actions. As the above Scripture says, we are putting our sinful behavior behind us and seeking "a new heart and a new spirit." Only God can give those. He can renew in us a desire to change the way we act. He can help us do better. When we share our desire to change, the offended party gets a glimpse of our heart. That often leads to forgiveness.

Father, what a wonderful promise that you can give me a new heart and a new spirit. Change my heart, 0 God, and help me to change my behavior. I want to communicate that to my loved one so he or she can fully trust me.

People who conceal their sins will not prosper, but if they confess and turn from them, they will receive mercy. PROVERBS 28:13

EFFECTIVE APOLOGIES REQUIRE a willingness to change our behavior. Proverbs 28:13 makes it clear that when we don't admit our wrongs-whether toward God or toward our spouse-we can't expect a good result. But when we do admit ("confess") the hurtful things we do and make a plan to stop doing them ("turn from them"), forgiveness is possible.

I remember Joel, whose wife, Joyce, was extremely negative. No matter what Joel said, Joyce disagreed with him. In our counseling sessions, I discovered that Joyce saw everything as either good or bad, right or wrong. Thus, if she disagreed with Joel, it couldn't just be a difference of opinion-his idea must be wrong.

It took a while, but eventually Joyce apologized for her negative attitude and came up with a plan to change it. She learned to say, "That's an interesting way to look at it." Or, "I can appreciate that." She learned to share her ideas as opinions rather than as dogma. She learned to say, "My perception of that is ... " Joel freely forgave Joyce when he saw her genuinely trying to change. Effective apologies can save marriages.

God, it's hard to admit myown wrong patterns, butt know 1 hurtmy spouse in the same way over and over again. Please give me the courage to confess those wrongs and turn away from them. And when my loved one does the same, help me to be gracious and to forgive.

Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble. ECCLESIASTES 4:9-10

I VACUUM THE CARPET and wash the dishes at my house. What do you do in your home? Who will do what? is a question that every couple must answer. In my opinion, the gifts and abilities of each person should be considered. One may be more qualified than the other for certain tasks. Why not use the player best qualified in that area?

This does not mean that once one person accepts a responsibility, the other will never offer to help with the task. Love seeks to help and often will. In Ecclesiastes, King Solomon wrote clearly about the value of teamwork. As a couple, we can accomplish more together than we could as two individuals because we are there to help each other. The Scriptures do not tell us exactly who should do what, but they do encourage us to agree on the answer.

The prophet Amos once asked, "Can two people walk together without agreeing on the direction?" (3:3). The answer is, "Not very far and not very well I encourage you to keep negotiating until both of you feel good about who is doing what in your home.

Lord, thank you that my spouse and 1 can work as a team. Help us to find the best tasks for each of us, and help us to support each other as we work for the same goal.

At last the wall was completed to half its height around the entire city, for the people had worked with enthusiasm. NEHEMIAH 4:6

AS A COUPLE, what is your shared goal? Perhaps it's a smoothly running home, a harmonious relationship, and a sense of fairness. Recently, a woman was in my office complaining that her husband didn't help her with household responsibilities. "We both work full-time;' she said. "But he expects me to do everything around the house while he watches TV and unwinds. Well, maybe I need to unwind too." Clearly this couple had not defined their shared goal.

The players on an athletic team do not all perform the same tasks, but they do have the same goal. That was also true when Nehemiah led the Israelites to rebuild the wall around Jerusalem. Some of them rebuilt gates, some carried materials, and others stood guard, watching for those who wanted to sabotage the work. The individuals had separate tasks, but they were united in their ultimate goal: making the city of Jerusalem safe again.

If we want harmony and intimacy in our relationship, then we must each do our part of the work. A spouse who feels put upon is not likely to be interested in intimacy. Why not ask your spouse, "Do you feel that we make a good team around the house?" Let the answer guide your actions.

Father God, thank you for the great example of teamwork from the book of Nehemiah. I want to keep our end goal in mind as my spouse and 1 negotiate the tasks in our home. Help me to do my part willingly and lovingly.

A newly married man must not be drafted into the army or be given any other official responsibilities. He must be free to spend one year at home, bringing happiness to the wife he has married. DEUTERONOMY 24:5

TWO QUESTIONS I HEAR fairly often in my counseling practice are "How can I get my wife to have sex more often?" and "How can I make sure we both enjoy it?" How often a wife desires sex will be influenced by how her husband treats her. And finding mutual sexual fulfillment is a process; it does not happen automatically. In Deuteronomy 24:5, we read that God instructed the Israelites not to give a newly married man any official responsibilities, particularly those, such as military service, that would take him away from home. During the first year of marriage couples were to bring happiness to each other. We can conclude that helping couples develop marital intimacy was important to God.