The One Year Love Language Minute Devotional (7 page)

Fools think their own way is right, but the wise listen to others.

PROVERBS 12:15

WE WILL NEVER RESOLVE conflicts if we don't learn to listen. Many people think they are listening when in fact they are simply taking a break from talking-pausing to reload their verbal guns. The above verse from Proverbs doesn't pull any punches when it calls those who don't listen fools. We may not like that word, but the truth is, refusing to listen reveals a lack of humility. Wise people listen to others-especially those they love. Genuine listening means seeking to understand what the other person is thinking and feeling. It involves putting ourselves in the other person's shoes and trying to look at the world through his or her eyes.

Here's a good sentence with which to begin: "I want to understand what you are saying because I know it is important." One man told me that he made a sign which read, "I am a listener." When his wife started talking, he would hang it around his neck to remind himself of what he was doing. His wife would smile and say, "I hope it's true." He learned to be a good listener.

Lord Jesus, thank you for listening tome when 1 pray. Help me to listen to my spouse-really listen-so I can understand him or her better.

Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other. ROMANS 12:10

WE ARE ALL BUSY. Often, too busy to listen. And yet, listening is the only way we will ever come to understand our spouse's thoughts and feelings. Listening takes time and requires focus. Many people pride themselves in being able to listen while reading e-mails or watching television, but I question if that's really listening. One husband said, "My wife insists that I sit down and listen to her. I feel like I'm in a straitjacket, like I'm wasting time."

In Romans 12, Paul tells us to "take delight in honoring each other." One way to honor someone is to listen intently and to give him or her our full attention. It's a question of respect. When we drop everything, look at our spouse, and listen, we communicate, "You are the most important person in my life" On the other hand, when we try to listen while doing other things, we communicate, "You are just one of my many interests." Listening is a powerful expression of love.

Father, l want to honor my spouse by being a good listener. Help me to be willing to focus my full attention on him or her so 1 can really understand the words being said.

`A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one."Since they are no longer two but one, let no one split apart what God has joined together. MATTHEW 19:5-6

A WOMAN ONCE ASKED ME, "We are supposed to leave our families and cleave to each other, but my husband is so attached to his family that I feel left out. What can I do?" Of course, this situation can happen with either women or men.

The concept of "leaving and cleaving" is central to the Bible's teaching on marriage. It first appears in Genesis, right after the very first woman and man were united. Both Jesus and Paul quoted this verse as well, and for good reason. When the principle isn't followed, marriages suffer.

Ifyou find yourself in the circumstances of the woman I mentioned above, you will feel left out because your spouse is not meeting your emotional need for love. You might even feel that his family is more important to him than you are. However, the answer is not to blast your spouse with angry lectures about being overly attached to his parents. When you do that, you drive him away. His parents are giving him love while you are angry and demanding. You will argue endlessly about the time he spends with his parents-which is the symptom rather than the root problem. Your relationship will suffer.

A better approach is to focus on meeting each other's need for love. Leave the in-laws out of the discussion. Find out what makes your spouse feel loved, and share what makes you feel loved. Then concentrate on speaking the right love language. You and your spouse will be drawn together as you begin to feel loved by each other. Spending time with each other will become even more appealing than spending time with your parents, and your relationship will be strengthened.

Lord, sometimes 1 get frustrated when I feel my spouse's family is more important to him or her than I am. Help me to avoid pointless arguing and instead focus on showing love. May we truly cleave to each other and be united in love.

Timely advice is lovely, like golden apples in a silver basket. PROVERBS 25:11 A COMMON QUESTION I hear in counseling is this: "I want to honor my parents, but they are constantly trying to give us advice. How do I let them know that we need to make these decisions on our own?"

Three things are important when you are dealing with parents who give advice too freely. First, you must understand that their intentions are good. They are not trying to make your life miserable; they are trying to help you avoid making poor decisions. Second, there is a good chance that your parents have more wisdom than you, since they have been around longer and have had more experience. Third, it is true that your parents should not control your life after you are married.

How do you put these three together and get the best of both worlds? I suggest that sometimes you ask for your parents' advice before they have a chance to give it. Don't immediately discount it; often their advice will be beneficial. After all, the book of Proverbs speaks highly of timely, appropriate advice. Then pray for God's wisdom, discuss the matter as a couple, and make the decision you think is best. If your parents object, tell them that you appreciate their input and found it very helpful, but you are doing what you and your spouse think is best. In time, they will come to see you as adults and respect your wisdom.

Father, thank you for parents who care for us and want us to make good decisions as a couple. Please give us the wisdom to weigh advice carefully and to seek the direction you have for us.