“
When? How long?”
“
Over a week. You’ve been very ill, Nikolas. I thought you were going to die.” He lowered his eyes. “If that had happened, I would never have forgiven myself.”
“
Well, I’m not dead. When will you leave?”
“
We’re staying here at the king’s pleasure for now, until they’re sure they’ve rounded up all the temple spies and guards. The king has sent soldiers to all the temples in Gidin, to find out how far this corruption goes. The cult of the god incarnate has been declared illegal, the coffers of the temple here have been seized. The king has promised compensation for Seve and me. We can go wherever we like and so can you.”
I shrugged to myself. Right now I didn’t much care about my future. Knowing Jaime and Seve would soon be off to enjoy their hard-won freedom, made me both glad and depressed. I’d already said goodbye to him in my heart, that night in the temple. Now I would have to say it all over again. “You and he, you’re happy?”
His whole face changed as he smiled with true joy in his heart—he was as angelic in his dark-featured way as Seve was in his golden beauty. “Every minute, every hour, I bless the day I met you because you’ve brought him back to me.”
I’m glad to have been of use, then
, I thought bitterly. I knew it was unfair but envy was raw in my heart, even though I knew they deserved every ounce of their happiness and their love. “Was it very bad for him?”
His smile dimmed a little. “In some ways, worse than I feared. Minas was...molesting him.” I winced. “But he passed on more of my notes than he’d said, the books too, and Seve knew at once why I and Bekin...you know.... He said he could tell also that you were different from the others. The way you looked at me, and at him—he said he hoped somehow that you would help me, even though he never dreamed
he
would be able to escape. He’s so strong, Nikolas. Somehow he was able to get just enough comfort from seeing me, even seeing me with other men....” He shook his head as if to fight off the memories. “Just knowing I was alive. It kept him sane, even though Minas was the only person who ever spoke to him.”
“
Where is he?”
“
Minas? In the cells. He’ll never be free again if the king has his way. He’s been charged with several murders, corruption and perverting public morals. Oh, and rape,” he added with a grimace. “The king wants to have his neck stretched before Spring. I can’t say I would be sorry.” Nor would I, though I wouldn’t want to watch. I’d had enough of violence as a spectacle. “Nikolas, the king has offered us all apartments in the east wing until you heal. I thought you might prefer to have us to look after you than strangers.”
“
What does Seve say?”
He lowered his eyes again. “He’s...he thinks....” He wouldn’t look at me. “Minas was taunting him, saying that I was enjoying my ‘work’, inventing stories about me having sex with the partners in the bathroom, and how the guards loved to watch me at it.”
That evil....
“You would never...!”
“
No. He said he tried very hard to keep his faith in me.” He stroked my cheek again then took his hand away. “But you and I...we did...just that once.”
“
But that was just.... Jaime, you weren’t unfaithful to him in your heart. You didn’t tell him, did you?”
“
No. I will, if he asks. But....” He bit his lip. “Nikolas, he says he...he thinks you might care for me more.... The way you looked at me, he said. And he thinks that I...because I was so worried...but how could I not be worried? We owe so much to you and if you’d died it would be my fault!” I didn’t know what to say, but my expression must have told him enough. “He’s right, isn’t he? You...do? Care?”
“
I’m sorry,” I whispered, wishing he would go away and leave me with my shame, my weakness. I tried to turn away from him, but he brushed his fingers against my cheek and gently urged me to face him again.
“
I’m not angry. How can I be angry because you love someone?”
“
I would never try and part you, Jaime. Never. You should just take Seve away and leave me. He has a right to be jealous, and knowing what he’s been through.... You just need to make sure you and he are happy.” It would break my heart, but I’d known that all along.
He stared down at his hands. “We’re having a hard time,” he said quietly. “He loves me, I love him, and that we’re together is wonderful. But.... There is so much pain, Nikolas. Things he can’t bear for me to do because Minas did them, so many fears that he had no release for. And I...I have nightmares. Sometimes it’s like we’re strangers, staring at each other across a chasm our love can’t bridge. I don’t know what to say, or how to help him, and I don’t know how to ask him to help me either.” He raised his face, showing the depth of his grief. “I don’t know what to do.”
I wasn’t surprised. He had so little preparation for something like this. “Do you think I could help?”
“
If you can’t, then I don’t know who to ask,” he said, sounded rather defeated. “You’re the only friend I have, other than him. I can talk to you about things I dare not mention to him for fear of hurting him. I don’t want to lose you.” He lowered his eyes as if embarrassed. “I miss you. Even when he’s holding me—and it’s wonderful, don’t mistake me—I still miss you. He thinks my friendship with you threatens him, but it doesn’t because I still love him more than ever.” He hesitated. “Or am I fooling myself?”
“
Jaime....” I swallowed. “You can’t blame him for his jealousy.”
“
I don’t, I...I just want not to have to give you up as my friend. I can’t face being forced to choose. I would have to go with him because he’s my life...but I know I would miss you all my days. I really think we will end up fighting until we can’t stand each other. “
I stared at him. Part of me resented him laying the burden of his need on me, part of me was irrationally jealous of Seve, angry with him for doubting Jaime and adding to his pain. But Seve had suffered so much, and if I were somehow the cause of them parting, I would never forgive myself.
He continued, sounding a little eager. “You and Seve could get to know each other. Maybe if I tell him how wonderful you’ve been, how much you’ve helped me before....”
“
Jaime, if I were Seve and you did that to me, I’d want to put a pillow over my rival’s face. If you push, he’ll just hate me, and then you’ll have to...I wouldn’t see you again,” I said, unable to keep the bitterness out of my voice.
“
Then what do I do?”
His voice held such raw misery that I knew I could no more walk away from him than I could have done after the attack at Minas’ hands. “He and I will have to talk. If I can’t convince him I’m no threat, nothing you can say will make any difference. But if I can, then...I would like to stay with you, for a while. I need help, it’s true.” I raised my hand and beckoned him closer. He leaned forward and lay his head down on the bed near me. “It won’t be easy, Jaime.”
“
I know. I thought when we got out it would all be over. But even though Minas is in prison, Seve is still afraid he’ll somehow take me away. I have nightmares he’s got hold of me again and....” He buried his face in the blankets. “Help me, Nikolas,” he whispered. “I don’t know how to make it all better and I’m so afraid of losing him.”
I heard a noise and looked up. There, standing in the doorway with a stricken look on his face, was a tall, beautiful, blond man I had only seen once before, but who had made quite the impression in that brief encounter. I almost groaned. From the look on Seve’s face, he wasn’t pleased at finding his lover so close to me. There was going to be a scene for sure and in my present state, that was going to be a real trial.
Jaime realised I was looking at something behind him and turned. “Seve....”
Seve clenched his fist. “The doctor said Nikolas might like something to eat. I was coming in....”
“
Seve, it’s not what you think....”
It was obvious Seve thought it was
exactly
what he thought it was. “Jaime, could you get me....” I cast about for something I could ask for that would take him away for a few minutes. “Some soup? I’ll talk to Seve.”
He gave me a worried look, but stood up. “I won’t be long.”
That was all right, I thought. Seve wouldn’t need more than a minute to kill me, in the condition I was in. He could just breathe on me hard and I would probably pass out. “Just go, Jaime.”
He obeyed, but he stopped in front of his lover. “I love you,” he said firmly, making Seve look at him. “I love
you
.”
Seve only nodded, but said nothing. When Jaime left, Seve sat in his abandoned chair. “Are you feeling better?” he asked with grudging politeness.
“
Yes. Tired, sore...Seve, we were only talking. He’s worried about you.”
“
I’m worried about him too. But he’s my problem, not yours.”
“
Yes, I know. But he’s my friend. My
friend
, Seve. He only chose me as a partner because I looked like you, and he only accepted my offer to help because he was so desperate to rescue you. I’ve only ever been your surrogate - not your replacement.”
His fists clenched again, his mouth tight and thin-lipped. “You don’t know what it was like,” he said, anger in his voice now. “Watching...watching all the men, watching him...be hurt, not able to help and then...while you were so ill.... I’ve been apart from him for four years, and here he is, feeling so much for someone I don’t know, when I want it all, want him all for myself.” He looked at his hands, still bunched in fists. “I suppose I’m just selfish,” he said sarcastically.
“
No, you’re trying to keep something precious safe that you’d thought you would lose forever. It’s just what I would do.” This would never work. He hated me, and who could blame him? Jaime’s desperation was blinding him to the reality of the people involved. “I told him I didn’t want to come between you. You should just take him away, Seve. Find somewhere to live and be happy.”
He nodded. “I want to. I want to get away from this city and all it’s meant to us.” He lifted his head, and now his eyes were desperate, his hands clenching and unclenching in uncontrolled spasms. “I’m so
angry
,” he spat.
“
At me?”
“
No...at what’s been taken from us...what’s been done to us.”
I was relieved not to be the focus of his anger, but now I was worried because he was so clearly struggling to keep himself under control. “So you should be,” I said soothingly.
I didn’t think he even heard me speak. “I’m angry at myself for not fighting back—I should have killed Minas. He was old, it wouldn’t have taken much. I could have
tried
to escape.”
My mouth went dry at the consequences of that if he’d gone through with it, even though they were now both safe. “Jaime would have been killed,” I said thickly.
He heard that, at least. “Yes, I know—but what if it just meant the whole thing would have crumbled then? At least I would have spared him....” He drew in a sharp breath. Tears were starting to trickle down his cheeks, but he seemed to be unaware of them. “Do you have any idea what it felt like to be helpless and watch that?”
“
It was worse for you. Jaime knew that. It was why I was so determined to get you both out of there.
I
should have killed Minas. I wasn’t restrained or imprisoned. Seve...it doesn’t help to blame yourself. Or me. Or him.”
His head jerked. “I don’t....”
“
Not even a little bit?”
“
No...I.... Sometimes, when Minas....” He shuddered and wrapped his arms around himself. “I just wished Jaime would run away. Or kill himself so I could do the same. I think that was part of Minas’ game, seeing how far he could push two lovers before one of them took his own life. He made it easy—I was allowed razors, scissors. Sometimes....” His jaw worked as if he was gulping back his sorrow. “I even hated Jaime for not letting me go,” he whispered. “How could I hate him? I love him. I’ve always loved him. He’s my soul, my brother. But Minas even took that away from me.”
He covered his face and his shoulders began to heave as he poured out his misery, and yet I would bet the well of tears would not run dry, at least not soon. If Minas were here, hands or no hands, I would have beaten him to death. Nothing was too cruel to repay him for what he had done to Seve, to both of them. And to think I had envied this broken-hearted man.
When he had calmed, I said, “I want to help you.”
“
Why?” He wiped his face, smearing tears all over it. He still looked beautiful, like a grief-stricken angel.
“
Because I don’t want Minas to win. Because I...care for Jaime. Because you’re a good man and you don’t deserve this, Severin.” I wished I could sit up. Holding this conversation while horizontal in front of a tall, fit and angry - and right now, very distressed - man who outweighed me, while feeling like I was about to faint, was putting me at a distinct disadvantage. I could only hope he would take some pity on my woeful state. “Seve, Jaime doesn’t love me. I love
him
, I admit it. He’s too beautiful not to.”