He closed his eyes, and I think he was asleep moments later. I stayed still, watching him in the low light from the lamp. For all my optimistic words, I feared he was right—four years was a long time, the body learned habits that would be hard to break. So much depended on whether Seve came out of this experience with his spirit and sanity intact, and that, no man could know until it happened.
~~~~~~~~
He did, as he said, heal fast. He admitted that it helped that someone actually gave a damn that he was hurt and was prepared to look after him, and I wondered aloud over just what thugs he had been forced to share his bed and his body with. “You forget, there’s not that many people willing to do this, “ he said, “even for the money they offer.” He was still lying in bed, not able to sit. He was spending time talking to me instead with his precious books, which was generous of him, I knew. His books had literally been all that had saved his sanity all this time. Some of them had belonged to Seve, and had notes in his lover’s hand in the margin. No wonder he was so protective of them.
“
But still—how could anyone see you in such a state or worse and turn their back on you?”
“
How could someone do it in the first place? I know little of the outside world, but I know enough to expect cruelty, rather than to consider it unusual.”
Then I would have to give him new expectations, I vowed.
He went twice more to Bekin, and stayed longer than the first evening. I no longer wondered why he seemed so sad when he returned, but he was perhaps a little less miserable just for having shared his secret with another. It didn’t detract from the injustice of the situation, and I longed to see Bekin fall from his arrogant pedestal.
The time came for us to work. “Now that I know, you can tell me—is there anything I can do to make this easier?” I asked as we were getting ready to go to the preparation chamber.
He shook his head. “In truth, no. You already make it better than any of the others, because you’re not foul in manners or in habit, you’re not demanding, and you don’t force me to give you release during or after.”
I could only stare at him as he pulled his cloak on, horrified at what this praise implied for what he’d been enduring until now.
Senku checked me as usual, but then insisted on examining Jaime’s back and arse, pretending to be concerned that he was still unfit. Jaime tolerated it with his usual cold blankness. If anything, it was I who had trouble keeping my composure.
Now I knew who was behind the mask, I found it even harder to be aroused by Jaime’s attentions. Seve seemed subdued, reacting only a little as he climaxed, thankfully. Jaime said he didn’t know if his lover was drugged or not. The women were, for certain. He had no way of telling with his lover.
It was only after that Jaime released his emotions a little, but I think he needed to, and at least I was a safe audience. I wasn’t going to mock him for his grief. I wanted to help him, talk to him, but he withdrew into his shell again for that evening. It was just how he had learned to cope.
We weren’t idle when we weren’t having demands placed on us. We could now pool our knowledge to form an escape plan. To my surprise, Jaime had not discovered his lover was housed so close to the kitchens, nor that the guard who took his food obtained it from those same kitchens. When we next collected food from there, he stood at the door into the garden, staring at the high wall at the far end. I could almost read his mind—if he just ran, climbed that wall, broke through the bars, he could be with Seve. But he would never get that far, and it would be the death of them both. He was very sad after that, and if it weren’t for the fact he needed the information, perhaps I should have kept it from him. However, it meant he now could look through the temple library for plans of this wing. He would have to be subtle about it, begin to do other research and fetch the plans as a bye the bye. But at least it was a start.
We realised that the best time to make the move would be in mid-winter when everyone would be wearing muffling cloaks and scarves, making disguise easier. We also realised we would need money and the help of someone on the outside. The only person we could come up with was Joa. “Can you trust him?” I asked Jaime as we discussed it.
“
I trust no one,” he said bitterly. “But he’s an amiable man, genuinely interested in my research and my books. I think he might help. But he could equally betray me for the right money.”
It clearly needed more thought. In the meantime, we began to establish a pattern of occasional outings together, and I took to leaving in the evenings to visit an inn. By pure luck, I resembled Seve more than usually closely in colouring, height and build. We could use this, but first we had to get the guards used to our comings and goings, together and apart.
Money was a problem. I had received my wages, less what I’d been advanced. Jaime was only on a meagre allowance, so to have saved fifty at all was some feat. “Can you bear to part with any of your books?” I asked, rather hesitantly, because it was a touchy subject for him.
But I’d forgotten how pragmatic, how determined he could be. “For this? Of course. If it fails, I won’t care about my books or anything else.”
I didn’t like the defeatist sound of that. But that was also something that needed careful planning—selling a few volumes rather than acquiring them, and having the money held by Joa for collection at a later point. I deemed the man safe enough, but hardly blamed Jaime for his caution. He had been betrayed too often.
With this new plan and purpose, Jaime’s spirits were a little higher, and he seemed to suffer less from the visits to Bekin and from serving in the chamber. I think having someone to talk to helped. He still had his dark days, still had a need for privacy and solitude, but there wasn’t the overlying resentment at being forced to share his quarters with me any more. I tried to respect his need for space, but he was less territorial than he had been. It was just easier all round for both of us, a relief to him, I was sure.
As for me and my stupid, inconvenient emotions, I pushed them down. I concentrated on his needs, and on how Seve must be feeling, told myself that Jaime’s happiness depended on Seve’s release and a successful escape. They had paid many times over in blood, sweat and pain for that destiny together, and damned if I would be the one to stand in their path. It was never going to be a question of Seve being out of the way so I could try my luck with Jaime. If Seve died, so would Jaime. Their souls were bound, I knew that. I was young, and a first love was rarely the last one. I knew that. My father thought I was flighty, but I wasn’t stupid. Not up to Jaime’s standard, I knew, but smart enough to work that out.
A month passed. We were falling into a routine, slowly gathering our resources, our information and fleshing out the plans. Jaime had begun to visit the library once or twice a week, exciting no suspicion, and while he had not yet looked at the temple plan, he knew where he could put his hand on it. It would be a month or two before we could move. I was establishing a habit of buying Jendonese sweetmeats and distributing them to the kitchen staff—more importantly, to the one guard who always brought Seve his food. He had a sweet tooth, even a greedy one, and I carefully cultivated it, and him, and made myself as popular and familiar in the kitchens as I could. Mia was now regularly trying Jendonese recipes. I, meanwhile, was looking for some Jendonese specialities that you wouldn’t find in a recipe book. That was another reason to frequent the inns.
As usual, after supper, Jaime went to Bekin. I dallied a little, since I liked to get to the inn after supper had been served, when drink had had a chance to loosen tongues, and it was busy enough for my temple clothing not to excite too much attention. Jaime was usually gone several hours. I tried to be back before he was, just so he didn’t have to come back and be on his own. Stupid, really—the man had survived perfectly well for four years without yours truly—yet I just felt better if I were there. Yes, I was a romantic, I told myself. A foolish one too.
But this night, before I could even ready myself to go out, the door opened, and Jaime came in, white-faced and trembling. He honestly looked about to faint. I took his arm and made him sit. He had me worried—his wide-eyed stare seemed not entirely rational. I pulled up a chair close to him and took his hands in mine. “Jaime? Did Bekin hurt you?”
“
Bekin’s dead.”
“
What?”
At last he actually looked at me, rather than at some distant, invisible point. “Minas was there. When I got to his quarters, Minas....” He began to shake and swallow convulsively.
“
Have they discovered your trysts? Has he threatened you?”
He suddenly barked out a laugh, a harsh, hysterical sound. “Discover? Bekin told Minas from the beginning. It’s all been a joke on me, a great joke that they shared while Bekin was fucking me. Isn’t that wonderful?”
“
But...I don’t understand.”
“
It’s simple. I tried to help Seve and all I’ve done is increase his pain tenfold. Nikolas, you need to get out of here. Take the money we’ve hidden and leave tonight. You might get away, it’s dark, you have a chance....” His voice broke off as he wrapped his arms around himself and began to rock a little. “Such a fool,” he whispered. “Blind, deluded fool.”
I still didn’t know what had happened, but I certainly wasn’t going to leave him like this. “Jaime....”
“
Go! Just go, Nikolas, before I get you killed!” He made to shove me, to make me get up. I caught him in my arms and held him close, even though he struggled. I weighed more than him, and used it ruthlessly to suppress his wildness. He yelled obscenities against my shoulder, but I wouldn’t let him go.
At last, he gave up. I still held him though, for the comfort. “Tell me,” I said quietly. “So Minas knew...?”
“
Minas knew. Minas saw every note, and kept all the books himself. Seve only got the first message. Minas has been taunting him ever since, showing him the papers but never letting him read them.”
Gods.
What an unspeakable bloody bastard. “But at least he knew you were trying to contact him, that’s something.”
“
Oh yes.” He gave another one of his harsh humourless laughs. “He also knows that I’ve been sucking Bekin off and letting him fuck me for the privilege. Minas has been very careful to tell him every detail of my shame.” He buried his face in my shoulder again.
I patted his back, trying to give him a little comfort. “He won’t blame you,” I said to soothe him. “How could he? He knows you wouldn’t want it that way.”
“
Don’t you see? I only did it to bring him a little happiness. I only kept doing it because I thought it was all we had. But we had nothing, and I was just adding to his pain. Minas laughed at me, mocked me for ever thinking I could beat the temple. We’ll never get out, Nikolas. I’m a fool. You should just go. I’ve been keeping Seve alive for nothing. All I’ve done is increase his torture. If I kill myself when you’re gone, he can be free to do the same. So please. Please, Nikolas.”
I shook him a little. “Stop that. I certainly won’t leave you so you can do that, and damned if I’ll let you try. Jaime, look at me.” I shook him again gently, and he raised an anguished face to mine. “I know it’s a blow, but it’s not as bad as it could be. You are not physically harmed, neither is he. He knows you’re prepared to do anything to help him. He knows you love him—he knows you would not have gone to your rapist for any other reason. You will have hurt him, yes. But you will also have given him hope.”
“
Hope of what?”
“
Hope that you will keep trying. And you will. I will too. We’re going to do this just as we planned. And at least you won’t have to suck that bastard’s cock ever again.” I brushed a dark wing of hair from his face. “What happened to him?”
“
He was caught buggering an acolyte and Minas couldn’t overlook it. He was flogged to death this morning.”
We hadn’t left the chambers today, otherwise we would have heard it in the kitchens, I suppose. “Well, he met the end he deserved, and I won’t weep a tear for him. Minas is toying with you, Jaime. Don’t let him win. I know it’s a blow, but at least that sick game is over. You’ve lost nothing but a bit of dignity and if Seve is the man you say he is, he’ll just be glad Bekin is dead for your sake. He’ll see you next time we go to the chamber. Show him that you’re unbowed.”
“
But I’m not, “ he said, beginning to shake again. “I think I’m going mad, Nikolas. I can’t do this any more, not without him. To live in this limbo, to condemn him to it...if our plan fails....”
“
It’s not going to,” I said firmly. “Look, come to bed. You’re tired, you’ve had a shock, so you may as well benefit from Bekin’s downfall by getting an early night.”
He nodded and pushed away from me. I watched him walk to the bathroom, and hoping he wouldn’t have an impulse to slit his wrists while he was in there. Just when I thought this shitty situation couldn’t get any worse....
But Bekin was gone. Jaime wouldn’t fall for that trick again, and one of Minas’ games had come to an abrupt end. He’d obviously derived the last drop of pleasure from tormenting Jaime over this, but that was all he could do now. I wondered if he’d really been taunting Seve—it would be as much in character for him to lie about it as to actually do it.