Now I knew more of the background, I grew even more suspicious of the whole thing. The temple was making a hefty income from selling Seve’s services for sure. But there had to be a lot of outgoings, and if they were keeping young men in reserve for years, not to mention the cost of the sex partners.... Something was beginning to tell me that I would never live to spend my wages however long I stayed. My survival was tied to Jaime’s, and if I hadn’t already decided I was going to help him, I would have had to do so anyway. I didn’t want to give up my life to these greedy bastards.
I suppose Jaime was actually remarkably well-adjusted considering all that had happened to him. He was allowed to be moody and bad-tempered with all that. I wonder if that had been one of the considerations when he and Seve had been chosen—that, and what had to be the greatest dedication to a lover that I’d ever heard of. My own parents had been pretty devoted to each other before Mother died, but I couldn’t see either of them suffering what Jaime was, for the sake of the other.
He shifted in pain—his shoulders wouldn’t let him get comfortable unless he was on his front. I didn’t want to risk waking him or I’d put more cold cloths on him. Sleep was better for him. That bastard Bekin—couldn’t he have forgone his enjoyment for a single night? I’d gladly have gone in Jaime’s place but some of Bekin’s pleasure had to be the humiliation, the pain he was causing the lover of the god. Besides, he could exert more control over Jaime because of Seve. Someone like me had so much less to lose and might fight back. I didn’t think Bekin or Minas liked people to stand up to them.
I dozed myself, lying on the covers next to him. It was his quiet call that woke me. “Nikolas?”
I grunted and sat up. “How do you feel?”
He didn’t answer, which was answer enough. “What time is it?”
The sky above us had lost almost all the light. “After sunset. Do you want supper?”
“
I just want to wash. Then I have to go.”
“
Let me wash you, it will be easier.” He hesitated then nodded. “Are you sure you can do this, Jaime?”
“
I have no choice. Please don’t argue with me.”
His voice held nothing of his former arrogance—it was just weary. Arguing with him would have been cruel, so I didn’t. Instead I fetched a basin of water, a cloth and a lamp, and brought them back to the bedroom. I helped him get out of the nightshirt—the bruised welts looked worse, but that was inevitable, then let him lie on his front as I wiped him down as gently and respectfully as I could. Now I knew what had been done to him by my predecessors, I understood why he was so adamant about not being touched. Between what they had done, what Minas was doing and Bekin’s exploitation, he must have felt his body didn’t belong to him at all.
He said nothing at all, even when I put fresh salve on his arse. I felt like apologising for the liberty, but all I could do was be as quick as I could. I helped him roll over and he lay utterly still, his eyes closed as I washed him. Despite my wishing to cause him no embarrassment, I couldn’t help but get a little pleasure from such a perfect body being under my hands. He had, apart from the fresh bruising, not a single blemish, and his cock lay prettily in a nest of dark, tidy curls. Flat stomach, strong legs and chest, dark, attractive nipples—it was a body that deserved so much better than it had received.
I wiped his genitals as tenderly as I could and then moved down to start on his legs. It was only that I chanced to look up that I saw tears were leaking from behind his tightly closed eyelids, running down the side of his face into the pillow. My hand froze. “Am I hurting you?”
He didn’t speak at first, but then he shook his head. “It’s just...no one’s touched me like that in four years. Seve used to....” His voice broke and he shook his head again.
“
I’m sorry, Jaime.” I felt like punching something in frustration, that even something intended as kindness had come to be a cause of pain. Almost without thinking, I moved up a little, and bent and kissed his forehead as chastely as I could manage. “You don’t deserve this.”
“
Just hurry,” he muttered. “Just let it be done with.”
Whether he meant my attentions, or the time with Bekin, I didn’t know, but I finished as quickly as I could. He said nothing as I helped him dressed, and only clenched his jaw as he put his injured feet into sandals. I should have stopped him, I knew, but he would have suffered more from knowing Seve had lost the little they had of their own.
I helped him put his cloak on, then tilted his chin to make him look at me. “You’re no longer alone, Jaime.”
“
In this, I’m always alone.” But then he touched the back of his hand to mine. “Thank you.”
For helping him go to his abuser? I could have laughed in his face. Instead I just unlocked the door and held it open for him to leave, moving slowly and carefully, but with his shoulders straight and his head held proud and high.
It was only as I shut the door again, that I realised to my dawning horror that he had taken my heart with him too.
~~~~~~~~
I sat staring into space for at least an hour. What had happened? One minute he was just someone I felt sorry for, the next...I knew that I loved him. Just like that, in the space between one heartbeat and another. How could that have happened? Was it supposed to happen this fast? And how could I love a man who was another’s, heart and soul?
I felt confused, more than a little angry at fate—and I felt like a bastard too, because if there was one thing Jaime didn’t need in his life, it was someone else trying to lay claim to him. He and Seve had suffered so much, to try to part them, to try and steal any of Jaime’s devotion to him, was the most selfish, miserable thing I could do. But yet...I wanted him, I wanted to hold him, comfort him. Be with him and share his pain, bring him joy.
Nothing had prepared for this. I’d never been in love before. I’d had lovers aplenty, but none serious, to the despair of my mother and later my father, who was sure I would never marry. He always told me I was flighty, too greedy for pleasure, to fall in love, to commit to marriage. Maybe he was right, but I bet he could never have predicted this.
Think, Nikolas. The situation demanded that I hold this inconvenient emotion in control. Whatever I felt for Jaime, I had to get him and Seve out together, and soon. Jaime would never make it to thirty. Four years had brought him to the edge, and I feared another attack like last night’s would break him, however strong he was. I wouldn’t be surprised if Minas actually enjoyed destroying strong-willed men like him—for I was more and more convinced the whole farce of Jaime performing for the ‘god’ was just a perk for that old pervert, a way of tormenting them both while raking in the money, and satisfying his own dark desires. There was no way that Seve could be enjoying seeing Jaime thus treated, unless he was drugged in some way. I did think that he might have been, because he reacted in a duller, less frenzied way some nights than on others. Which meant Minas could even be controlling whether Seve could get it up and come or not. At this point, nothing would surprise me.
Jaime didn’t have to be so gentle with me, not after what he’d suffered, but even though he had every reason to be vengeful and resentful, he still wouldn’t do to others what had been done to him. I wondered if the seeds of this new feeling for him had been sown that first night we had performed. Something in me must have realised that here was a gentle soul forced into a cruel and disgusting role. Now I bitterly regretted my tantrums and my coldness to him. Just because he believed he deserved it, just because he thought it was the only way to protect himself, shouldn’t have clouded my thoughts so that I couldn’t see why he was doing it. I might love him, but I surely didn’t deserve him.
I would make it up to him now, I swore. I would be a source of strength, not pain, as much as I could, and help him survive until we were all freed.
I was startled out of my funk by the key in the door, and I leapt up to open it and to take his cloak. He looked exhausted, although he couldn’t have been gone more than an hour. I helped slip the cloak from his shoulders and in response to my questioning look, he said, “I couldn’t do much for him, but he made his point.”
“
So he won’t punish you?” He shook his head. “I’m glad. Where are you going?”
He was limping towards the bathroom, but stopped to give me a brief, tired smile. “I don’t think you can do this for me, Nikolas.”
Oh. He just wanted a piss. Probably to wash his mouth out too. I know I’d probably vomit afterwards if I had to swallow Bekin’s seed. No wonder Bekin was blackmailing Jaime into serving him—no one would come to him willingly, I bet.
I waited for him in the bedroom so I could help him undress, but he insisted on doing it himself. “It’s all right,” he said. “I feel a little better. I heal fast—it’s the only good thing about this situation.”
“
You shouldn’t be in a position to need to heal at all,” I snapped but he didn’t respond. “How long before we’re required again?”
“
Two more nights. I think Minas will want to make sure he can see my bruises.”
His awareness of what was really going on shocked me. “So you know this is all just his perverted game?”
He said nothing as he climbed awkwardly into the bed. I covered him carefully, grateful that at least there were good soft linen sheets under the blankets that would not aggravate his shoulders. He turned his face towards me as I lowered the flame in the lamp and got under the covers myself. Then he spoke in a quiet voice. “Once, I believed this was the god’s will, even though I didn’t understand it. But the practices of this temple are not universal through Gidin, and the cult of the god incarnate has only risen to real prominence in the last thirty years or so. I believe it’s Minas’ doing. He’s using it to build his powerbase here in Egin, for him and his followers—and to have a little fun while he’s doing it,” he added bitterly. “I’m part of the reward for people like Senku and Bekin, part of the spectacle for the women. He could have found something less cruel, I’m sure, but he loves to see me suffering.”
“
How often does this happen?”
“
Only every few months. I thank Seve for that. In his position, I wouldn’t get hard, let alone come, but I know he’s trying to spare me. He tries so hard yet it’s much worse for him.”
“
But he’s not beaten or raped!”
Jaime turned a little towards me and looked at me in reproach. “He’s alone. Trapped. All I know is there is a garden that he can walk in, but he never speaks to anyone, Bekin says, and no man has seen his face since he came here, save Minas. At least I can come and go, correspond with people—converse with them as we do now. Seve always hated solitude. I wish they’d chosen me instead. I...don’t mind being alone. Not as much as he, at least.”
“
Jaime....” I couldn’t stop myself, I raised my hand and stroked it through his hair. “Neither of you should be alone.”
He suffered my caress without protest. “You know, I’m afraid, a little.”
I took my hand away. “Of dying?”
“
No, of being freed. How will our relationship survive this? If he has not lost his mind by then, I will be amazed, and I.... I’ve forgotten what normal love is, normal sex—to touch a willing partner, to be touched with affection. My body doesn’t even know what normal is any more.”
“
The fact you don’t come...that’s not some loyalty thing, is it?” I asked quietly, realising the truth. “You can’t?”
“
No. I used to...masturbate, just because I thought I should—for health reasons. I knew I had to keep my body whole or they would punish us for it. But I couldn’t come, still can’t. I can’t even stay hard without the band. I’m afraid even if Seve was freed, that wouldn’t change. Minas has crippled me.”
“
No,” I said, aghast at the idea. “He hasn’t, he can’t have done. When you are with Seve again, you will remember how it feels to be touched by the one you love. You’ll respond to him the way you used to. I know it.”
“
Do you? I do not.” I knew now the cold tone was just his way of hiding pain, and didn’t hold it against him.
“
Just go to sleep, Jaime. You’ll feel better when you don’t hurt so badly. In the morning, we’ll start making plans.”
He gave me a token glare, no more than a ghost of his more powerful ones. “I thought I was supposed to tell
you
what to do.” I chuckled at his pugnacity, and was delighted to raise the slightest smile from him. But it died quickly. “Nikolas, if you give me hope only to take it away...I will hate you forever. I would rather never hope at all, than to have that.”
“
You have my word. It will not be through any action of mine if we fail. I can’t predict the future, only promise what I will do.”
“
That’s fair. I won’t blame you for failure,” he said solemnly.
“
Sleep, Jaime. We can do nothing until you’re fit again.”