I retired to the bedroom and undressed. Jaime was longer than he should have been and I was on the verge of seeking him out when he came back in. He changed his clothes, his movements slow and clumsy and then crawled into the bed. He curled up into a ball and hid his face.
I turned the lamp down, then moved close to him, and, hesitantly, dared to put an arm over him. When he didn’t protest or move, I came closer and urged him to let me put my arms around him properly. He was still shaking, and his breathing was jerky and unnatural. I thought he was beginning to work himself up again, so I just held him and let the warmth of my body try and ease the pain in his heart. I was careful to keep the embrace as chaste as I could, as if I was doing this for one of my brothers. It wasn’t like I hadn’t, once or twice, when they were younger and had had their hearts broken by a village girl or two.
He was stiff and unresponsive for a long time, but slowly he relaxed into my embrace, his breathing eased, and it seemed to me that he had reached balance within himself again. He was strong and he was rational—he would know this was but a temporary setback, hardly a setback at all really, although it was a disappointment for sure, and pain that he didn’t need. Unlike him, I hadn’t had Minas playing mind-games with me for years, so I had just come to the realisation sooner, that’s all.
For all that he had calmed down, he didn’t seem to be dropping off to sleep. “Is there anything I can do? Would you like me to rub your back or anything?”
“
No. Thank you—this is nice.” He sighed deeply. “If I close my eyes, I can almost imagine it’s Seve holding me.”
“
Then close your eyes. I’m sure he would do this for you, if he could. Let this be from him, Jaime.”
“
Jai...he calls me Jai...when we’re in bed.”
“
Do you want me to do that?”
He lifted his head. “This is wrong of me, isn’t it?”
I combed my fingers through his hair. “Not at all. You’ve been alone too long. You take your comfort where you can, the way he has to.” I kissed his forehead. “It’s not like it’s a hardship. You feel nice. It’s good for me not to...not to only be a sex toy.”
“
Oh. I never thought about that.”
“
What, you think I enjoy what we do? If you were willing, if it was your choice, I would. But not the way it is. This, this is my choice. So let me do it.”
“
As you wish,” he whispered, before he snuggled close again. He felt marvellous, so warm, so right against me. I rarely envied Seve, considering his situation. But I envied him this night. I pushed that feeling down deep and buried it. It wouldn’t help anyone.
I kept up the finger combing of his hair, which he seemed to like since his breathing began to deepen. I wondered if he really could fool himself, on the edge of sleep, that it was his lover holding him. I kept silent so not to destroy the illusion.
And if I indulged in a little self-delusion of my own, then it harmed no one because no one knew. I too had to take my comfort where I could, after all.
~~~~~~~~
The discovery of Bekin’s deception lit a fire in Jaime’s belly and he was now impatient to carry the plan through. It was I, never the most patient of people, who had to remind him that we had not got everything in place. Another month and it would be the perfect time—we would both have more funds, the winter high festival would be upon us and the priests busy with that, and he had already told me the demands for the blessing of the god were less in the winter than in the spring because travelling was more difficult. But he still found it hard to wait, and he became snappish from time to time. I bore it because I understood what drove it. I wanted to be free too, though no more than he did.
He’d seen the temple plans. Not everything was marked of course, but we could make do with observations and calculations. The guard, Juin, was extremely regular in his duties and his habits. I was able to follow him a couple of times, watched him disappear through a locked door, worked out the distance he must have walked from the time he was gone, and from that, we figured out how the kitchen and Seve’s quarters were connected by a narrow corridor. There were two other corridors that entered it—one was from the main temple, the other led to a tunnel that ran under the temple to the neighbouring one belonging to Neku, and used, we surmised, to bring the girls to the chamber. The chamber itself was not part of the main temple. We had already realised there were, in fact, two god surrogates—the ‘real’ one who was involved in frequent rituals within the temple proper, and Seve who was kept purely for stud duties. The kitchen staff assumed we served the former person, and really had no idea who Seve was. Mia referred once to the ‘prisoner’ in a sneering way, so it seemed they possibly thought Seve was some sinner being punished by the god. If only they knew, I thought.
“
I don’t know how we’ll get the keys from Juin,” Jaime said. “Perhaps you and I will have to overcome him.”
“
No need for keys,” I said cheerfully.
He gave me a disdainful look. “Oh, and do you propose to float through the walls?”
“
No. Hold out your wrist—no, the one with the bracelet.” Looking rather irritated, he did so. I laid my hand over it, concentrated on the intricate mechanism, and then took my hand away. The bracelet fell to the table.
He gaped in sheer amazement. “How can you have picked it without any tool? Those locks can’t be picked!”
“
I can pick any lock—it’s a talent I have. I use my mind and the tumblers just fall into place.”
“
Your...mind? But such powers are myths!”
“
A myth didn’t just take your bracelet off.” I repeated the trick with my own bracelet and both collars, then the locked door to the apartments, before he would accept my boast was good.
He sat back at the table, staring at the collar. “I haven’t had that off my neck in four years,” he murmured, rubbing his throat. “Do you use this power to steal?”
“
Of course I don’t! Besides, there’s more to thieving than being able to open locks. Gods, Jaime, I make locks for a living, all I’d have to do would be to make extra keys if that was my only aim.”
He was fascinated by my power, and wanted to hear more. Such minor Talents were so common in our part of Jendon, and it was such a relatively useless gift, I’d not realised how it would look to Gidinians. I was sure there were those of their own people who had such Talents, only with the gods here being so cruel and jealous, I imagined those who had them kept them hidden. It was another reason I would be glad to leave this benighted land. I’d at last heard there had been more rain in the north and some had finally fallen in the south. Some crops were being planted. Soon I could go home. I would go to my father and ask for employment with him, and I would never leave Jendon again as long as I lived. Jaime hadn’t decided where he and Seve would go. He didn’t dare think that far ahead, he said. I couldn’t blame him.
The first time we had to work after news of Bekin’s death was hard for him. Despite my reassurances, he still believed Seve would see what he’d done as a betrayal, at least blame him for Minas’ tormenting. The trouble was he just couldn’t get the one, simple reassurance that would have made everything clear for him. I could see no difference in Seve’s reactions that night than from the previous time, or the time before that, and said so, but he still fretted, unusually for him, but he’d been unsettled for days. “Maybe I should just say something next time. I can bear a beating if it helps him,” he said as we went to bed.
“
No, damn it,” I said, pulling him close. “Please, Jaime, I know he would hate to see you hurt again. I know it would make me sick to have to watch—and what if they hurt you badly this time? Permanently? You’d never escape.”
He went very quiet. I just held him—we had kept on with the habit because he was so tired of being alone, and it helped both of us. I knew he pretended I was Seve. I knew it meant nothing. But I still enjoyed it.
“
Just to hear his voice,” he whispered. “To feel his hands, to touch his hair...it’s been so long. What if he hates me after all this time?”
“
If he hated you, if he cared nothing for you, he would kill himself, he wouldn’t try to perform with the women,” I said, stroking his hair. “Stop tormenting yourself. You know none of this is true.”
“
I know nothing anymore,” he muttered.
I sighed. I didn’t blame him for being upset—the loss of the illusion of having some slight contact with Seve had really hurt him, even though he’d suspected himself it had been just that—an illusion. There was possibly a way to let him feel he could show his love, to show him he was desirable, still loveable....
I pushed him onto his back and leaned over him. He looked up at me in puzzlement. “When you’re with me, in the chamber, you’re making love to Seve in your heart, yes?”
“
You know that, Nikolas.”
I put my finger on his lips. “Do you ever think he wishes he could use me to do the same for you? That he wants someone to love you and hold you and give you pleasure, even though he can’t?” He just stared at me, confused. “Close your eyes,” I said gently, drawing my hand over them. Then I bent and kissed his forehead. “Let me make love to you, Jai. Let me show you how much I love you—that I, Seve, love you. Use this body to accept what I want to give you.”
He lay very still, his eyes closed. His breathing was very fast. Had I made a mistake? But then his hand came up behind my head to cup it. “I miss you, Seve. I miss you so much.”
“
I miss you, Jai, my love.” I kept my voice as quiet as possible, to let him pretend even more that I was his lover. “Let me give you pleasure, let me touch you.” I bent and kissed his lips, very gently, no pressure. Slowly, he opened his lips to me, and welcomed me. I let him guide me, show me what he wanted, afraid that if I took too much of a lead, it would destroy the dream he was giving himself to.
He just wanted to kiss for a while, and I was happy to do that. I knew he’d not done this, at least willingly, in a long time, and I wanted him to enjoy it. He’d denied himself for so long, was so afraid he could no longer respond normally. I wanted to show him that he could.
I held him as he nibbled at my lips, his eyes still firmly closed. I ran my hands down his body, over the night shirt, over his firm nipples. “Shall I take this off?” I murmured. He nodded. “Keep your eyes closed, Jai.”
I quickly slipped my own shirt off, then drew his over his head. I used my talent to unlock and remove our symbols of servitude, put them carefully aside, then encourage him to rest in my arms again. Now we were skin to skin, and even though he’d been fucking me not an hour before, this felt so much more intimate. His skin was so warm and smooth against mine—I wondered if I felt like Seve to him at all.
He kissed me again, then I moved so I was over him. I began to kiss his jaw, his neck, always slowly, carefully, to offer something as different from the aggression he’d had from so many people as I could. His breath caught as I suckled at the hollow above his collar bone—obviously a sensitive place that I would remember. His arms were rigid against his side, as if he still expected to be hurt. I twined my fingers in his and held his hand. “I love you, Jai,” I murmured. “You’re beautiful. You taste so good, and your body is so perfect and unblemished. You respond so wonderfully,” I said as I licked at his nipples and he gasped. “You haven’t changed, my love. Your body remembers me, doesn’t it?”
“
Seve.... Please, touch me. Make me...believe it’s you.”
“
Yes, Jai.” I kissed his nipples again, licked the soft skin around them over the too prominent ribs, and down his taut stomach. He was shivering under my lips, and his grip on my hand was almost painful. He was excited, a little fearful. I needed to erase that fear for him, show him how beautiful and wanted he was.
His brown skin seemed to glow in the lamplight, and he shivered again as I brushed my hand over his stomach, just above his curls. He wasn’t hard, but I had only just begun. I kissed him in the hollow of his hips, on the inside of his thigh, so sensitive, I discovered. Behind his balls, just a lick, a gentle caress. The back of his knees, that tender place that Minas had cruelly abused. Down his long shapely calves, the arch of his feet. I tasted and touched all his soft skin, worshipping him more deeply than Paon’s followers ever did their evil god, and all the while, murmuring words of love and encouragement, holding his hand.
I retraced my path, this time paying attention to his hands, kissing the tips of his fingers, nibbling at the fine skin over his wrists, licking the slight salt from the inside of his elbow, and then returning to his mouth, to share the taste of himself with him. His eyes were still clenched shut, but his mouth was open, panting slightly as he started to be a little aroused by my slow exploration. I was becoming aroused too, but I’d already decided this had to be about him completely tonight. He had spent too long servicing other men. He would feel my erection, but I hoped he would just see it as ‘Seve’s’ desire, not mine. There was no way I would press that issue.